Why I love Manipur so much?

These day I'm so much into self-interrogation as I seek freedom within during my self exiled period. I used to hate reading news of Manipur but these days when I'm tired of work in office I used to open the pages of e-pao and the sangai express to have a small sarcastic laugh.

I never knew the reason why I miss my blood-soaked motherland Manipur. Is it the only reason that my parents are there so I wanted to go back and live there but there is something unknown which is pulling me so towards the land of extortionist, looters, opportunist, MLA's MCA's Cammandos, IRB's etc. I know if I go I will not get a space to stand and survive then why I wanted to go still? This feeling is really haunting. I do need  "a big help"? do I? Yes, I don't think no Tamil, No Mumbailite, No Delhite would ever love their state just like some middle class Manipuris does it.

Now the MCA's exam is so near. So many friends staying outside Manipur are appearing with the hope of going back home. But I was joking to my friend who is also going to appear that is it better to look out for a loan from ICICI bank to transfer to the bank account of those in the selection board or better to study? We have two choice. First one is something which some of our seniors opted. What respect come from within when you saw them siting in such post. They can only loot us. By the way, contrary to the real meaning of "respect"..what is called respectable person or position is those who are in the position to give money for corruption and get a position through it. Someone feel proud when they can lend money for corruption. No doubt there are rarest of the rare who are willing to work genuinely, but lets see for how long they survive?

Am I not had enough now of my motherland or am I being too negative.... ?

Me and the exiled queen!!

Life takes different test and you need to taste every result of it. Whether bitter or sweet its your own, you just have to swallow it, if no choice is there.

Once I live the life of a self crowned queen in Delhi. I don't worry about the world so as the world doesn't notice the existence of this stubborn lady living like a wild breeze in a corner of the Delhi. She hates her corporate job but she needs to do it to earn a livelihood. But I was happy once I'm out from the corporate shits. My world is my imaginative creation, no one dare to disturb it , except me and my dreams. I know how much my parents worried if I'm ever drown with this high voltage dreams which I don't know I can ever achieve so.


I asked myself why I'm not happy even after I get enough money and I do whatever I felt till now. No one ever restricted to whatever I do. Then I realized that its my passion, love, dream which are going against my job. Nothing to feel shy while committing the truth. Biggest mistake lies when I continue chemistry for my higher study.It gives me job and money but it kills my passion. Sometime I blamed my dad saying that why did you ask me to continue in Science. Its so boring. Oh! common I fell in love once with Chemistry when I fell for my handsome chemistry teacher but what a big mistake I made now!! I love running with my loose kurti and jeans with a piece of paper and pen as my weapon. I don't like fancy corporate cloths which suffocates me and blocks my brain from thinking.Well this is short introduction of how I wish to be liberated from everything which hold me so tightly. Now, I'm like living in the desert without water. I live like a robot in a place where people talk nothing, except marriage. How much I got irriatated when it comes of Ma-ba-bahu story..only I can understand. Just to make the situation more melodramatic I keep on watching movies like monsson wedding and how big is punjabified marrige? God bless my Lord that's all I said the girls around me start talking about marriage. Where should I run?


One woman whom I adore and wish to be was Moirang Thoibi, the princess who had defiled everything. I wish to be like her not because she married a poor guy but her guts to defile the convention. Above all what I love about her is how she bravely accept the offer of being deprived of her luxurious kingdom when she was exiled in Kabo. Then I thought she must be getting the ultimate freedom once she was freed from the taboo of being a princess and tightly hold with so many chains of obligation. She must be wondering with the feeling of  walking all alone without anyone to guard her. She must be enthralled for the first time when she live her life without any obligation. Accepting to live a life in exile is like finally you wish to seek freedom within yourself. It's a myth which I don't believe but I thank the writer who had created such a imaginative character  which every woman wish to live.

Everyday when my friends called up I used to say I'm living a life like that of Moirang Thoibi who was exiled in Kabo. My friends obviously understood what I meant and said it's just temporary. But I wish the temporary time ends soon. What I need now is being free from every chain which binds me so tightly but not the oxygen which everybody is getting free of course.

My lady comrade!!

Oh! my lady comrade
don't arrest me with your freedom
the night is too late
don't let her play
with her madness

Have not we drunk enough
with the venom of such nights?
As the years passed away
I left the world we belong to,
I already defiled our dreams

Oh! my lady comrade
Don't remind me tonight
for what I was born here
I'm caged again
within the womb
of this earth!!

Another Madness!!

She wore only her skin,
though she walked without any fear
in the roadside of Delhi

Her petticoat was hanging on her shoulder..

Layers of dust covered
her body...

Some onlookers tease her
Some "shoo her away"
Some laugh at her
with atrocities....

Lost for some moments..
in the middle of the road
I run after her
lending my shawl...

She ignored my existence
suddenly
She turn back and shouted at me..
"why are you running after me
I have nothing else to give you
you all have taken away all"

Look at me
I carry nothing now?

I tried to tempt her with my sweet words
offering to accept my shawl to cover herself..

"She shouted at me again
don't treat me like I'm mad?

"for what you want to cover myself
for what you want me to feel ashamed"

You all have taken away everything
now I'm carrying nothing
to snatch by these people
I won't cover myself again

I'm not mad
I'm not mad
She return my shawl with a smile
and run away!!

Amidst the crowd
and dust
I stood motionless
with so many questions
she had hurled at me and all.

*excerpt from a victim who was found walking on the road of Delhi...

Nothing special!

I'm not writing this piece as a full of regret or heart broken story. In fact now-a-days I started hating my own poems fill with heart broken and mentally disturbed emotions. I love living now strangely these days. Neither I feel angry, bad, anxious nor too hurt and depressed. Hope I have finally erased their space from my mind and heart. Oh! how much peace it gave me, I can only sensed that. There is no less of stupid, idiots, fool, lunatics, psycho, etc in the world and in the little space you have to survive in this world. But  I cant break the head of them because it will only injure me.

Nothing special is just a word click in my mind when my friend called up as usual to complain about his ex-lover who disposed off him and get married but she is not satisfied enough, now also she is making juice of his remaining brain. Well, I'm also a good listener these days because I hate too much conversation with the people around and I face problems in communicating with them, mind you this is not language problem but brain  connectivity is very slow or does not exist , so I hardly talk but just smile and listen. What people loved talking about? Any guess? "Shaadi" , marriage, man, that's the beginning and end for everyone here. Unfortunately I have not  included that part in my dictionary as a part of casual discussion so I hardly talk to people around. I'm a quite, nice lady as known by people and it's just the opposite of what I'm!!


Asked me how much it is difficult and hard to live life without having anyone to stand besides, back, front etc, forget about God, that I never have come across. I hope its within me. Right. In the past ten years I have never visited a temple. I know I'm weird and people will treat me as a crazy but why should I is the only question raised in my mind whenever I show the Hanuman temple near ISBT where people make huge traffic jam every Tuesday and always help me to miss one class for my LLB. Why God make people so crazy about him/her or men are making God crazy, I had no idea. Let it be. Its again not my favorite topic, at least not in front of my roommate who will eat me if I say I don't care of her Gods keeping on the table besides my bed.


Sometime I felt life makes me such a great fool but I enjoyed all those experiences though it was quite tough and useless. I have never learn saying "No" to anyone. I'm someone who even wake up in the middle of the night to help a bitch who hurt me or loot me but they came back and loot again with the same weapons. Now I felt its a high and time to delete some useless numbers and people from my list and mind. So many best friends I had but now I don't see not even five who would stand for me even if I'm falling in hell..

Yes, I was in a similar situation. Two days back I came back from Delhi and as usual I have to land in Chandigarh by 9.30-10pm. Never thought I would travel in the middle of the night till Mohali all alone. My so called best friend from school called up in the last minute and said she should be going with her boyfriend of one month old so she will not be in hostel and staying in one of her friends place. Damn in this big state, I know only her, my school best friend and as far as I remember we know each other from last 12 years from now. I said nothing but just wish her all the best for the date and cheer her up because she was feeling guilty. She was happy because I support her to go for the dinner date and thank her for asking me to travel in the middle of the night all alone. I just took a deep breathe and said to myself "mom & dad" will save me. That's all I said whenever I felt extremely scared of something. I started forecasting the days when I took her to everywhere in Delhi for her job interview, waiting for her in the airport and waking up in the middle of the night to drop her in the airport. I can't even recall, I even bunk my office and bunk my classes. Such things made me sad for a moment but made me feel good thinking that I can never become a bitch.

At 11:30pm I reach my PG, eat some food and with heavy head I tried to sleep. Suddenly my best friend calling me for the first time in the three months from the day I land in Chandigarh. Starring at the number, I said this is not the first time you have been fooling me. If I pick up your call again, I will be fooling myself again. So cut the crab, and make it short. Life is short, so isn't it better for you too understand some bitter side of life? I wish my best friend a very happy life ahead with her new boyfriend. I wish you to survive through out your life with the believe that you can use people only when you need them without knowing the value of a relation.

So nothing special about you my best friend!!

To my brave brothers!!

Trying to fight against the life
I forgot to live this life
Trying to be survival of fittest
I forgot to breathe freely
While mending the broken heart
I have not sensed the true love ever
What a waste of life..
When the death knocks at my door
one fine day
I would just cry my heart out
for the moment I lost and wasted....!!!

..It has been just 8  months that my kid brothers have landed to this strange city with full of dreams...they knew nothing but with a hope to rely on me for their dreams and future. I'm now away from them and I really miss them. They are cooking all alone and facing the world without even having anyone to guide them and see them. It's my trust and my parents love which hold them so hard and still protecting their innocence. I always blam God and unseen devine but now I started looking as an opportunity. I hope someday they will surely cherish their lonely hard days in Delhi and miss those fights and insecurities surrounding them.

I know I'm the most harsh sister one brother can owe but what to do? Sometime trying to meet the end I loose my pateint and react on them. But this is so true and hurting to me ometime if I ever hurt them. If I scold them in the morning before I leave for office I would make sure to get something special to eat...They can't speak neither english nor hindi but they are brave enough now to meet any difficulties. I'm so happy for them seeing making their own faith. I  no longer scared that they will be drawn with the bad wind of my own society here money, corruption, guns and drugs pulled us so deep into the hell.

My brother in class eleven idn't get admission into sceince and he is quite disappointed but now he is doing too good in his new subject commerce. And youngest brother is my hero and dream. I could see how I was when I was a kid and I know I gave my parents a tough time growing m up. No one would ever challenge my stuborness. Thats how my youngest brother is and he loves challeges, except that I'm worried about his eating habit.
I could not see them everyday but only thing which keep me in peace is that they are trustworthy boys and I know they will never disappoint me and pur parents...thats the only hope and strength that keeps me moving ahead in life. I will never say that I'm tired whatever it comes in my way. I know I'm not born and blessed with rich parents but I would not that much in life if I have not faced all the hardships in life and I could not be so independent if I have to depend either on a rich parent or a rich boyfriend...

I don't have any complain in life. Evry moment brings surprises both sad or happy. I have to embrace both and wait for the next surprises coming along with uncertain gifts of life...

nothingness again!!

When the nights comes it always bring an eternal conflict within me and its me who has been swallowed and eaten and left with nothingness.....


I’m in a big mess in every perspective of life now. Office work almost killed me and disgust feeling of loosing freedom questions me every single minute. For what I had studied and worked so hard? For what I left my parents in home and why I had to miss so many important moments of life just to earn few bucks for livelihood. These questions are very hard to answer for me.

I no longer enjoy hearing people’s appreciating words like you are earning enough, taking responsibility for your kid brothers, doing law, writing poetry, stories, social works blah blah…etc…which are taking me nowhere…except it crushed me into pieces and fragments which can not be fixed together and get along…

At the end of the day I felt so empty and so called luck or faith dumped me in every movement of my life. More I try to wake up and walk fast it always pulls me back and drag me into the shit holes.

With so many disgust things I stop now to even type a paragraph of my thoughts and so called philosophy. Now I had to begin a life believing to the truth that there is no freedom after birth and before death. Every dream betrayed just like my unworthy lovers and every night I’m burnt with the memory of every dying moments where I could only see “a lone me” just sitting and doing nothing….

I do not wish to write a disguise poem or a story because it only remind me of useless time I have wasted. I had to betray my feelings, my thoughts, my freedom and my intuition to start living a life acceptable by all. No body would accept a chemist crazy with literature, politics, history, social works, poems and running after her non-ending stories lying untouched in her mind…..!!!

To an unknown or whatever?

Its fun sometime being so crazy that you forget of being a serious surviving haman. There is one wish I always wish to keep in my heart...I don't wanna grow up and wanna live in my world sorround by craziness, loneliness, melancholy and sadness. You might be thinking I have gone nuts and gone out of my mind when I say I'm romancing this night which I will not meet again. Well, its not new if I say something not realistic today beacuse you are used to hear all these from the past few months. Yes, I matter a lot for the every passing moments and the hours and I can't just lay myself like a statue in one place. Thats why I broke out today and blamed you.

You will be unknown to me soemday or whatever some months back or years back. But beleive me I'm not going to fall in love with you for sure for whatever you did, neither going to ask you to marry me because I don't beleive in marraige just like you do.Also, I don't believe in religion and God just like you follow.  But beleive me in this truth that no one has ever done so much for me and have not taken care of a crazy woman like me just way you do. I feel very bad at the end of the day for being so harsh to you and using those abussive language. Still you never react and say a bad word about me. Sometime I thought what if somebody used these word to me? Just like I asked you this evening...exactly the way you answer I would have killed the person for whatever reason I have done to him. Feeling sorry and saying sorry at the the day to you is easy I know but afterwords I feel so guilty and I don't know why you tolerate me so much. Please don't do that from next time onwards ..that makes me feel so terrible and lunatic. Throw me out and don't care where I'm and what I'm but don't treat me so well while I'm being so rude and harsh towards you for nothing.

Dreams are so bright and so many. I wish I could share with you but why should I again give you another reason get harrassed from me? You may find me crazy if you read this but you know how crazy I'm? Sometime I'm so puzzle that why you are taking care of me every minutes without asking me anything in return too. You neither ask for a name for this relation nor did you look down for the things you have done so far. I have nothing to say but I would miss you so much in life if we ever have to meet a day from where we could never talk and meet each other. And it will not so easy for me to forget you just like you said I will forget you once I'm among my old friends. Nothing will last forever to me except the love and care you have poured to an unkind me so far. I don't thank you because I have already thank to an unseen devine who had sent you in my way. Hope you would be another reason for me to gather the broken fragmnets of me and wake up again like a living soul.

Have a great night sleep and wishing you for a great morning tomorrow. I dedicate this beautiful night in your name while I'm  spending this night wrting this blog and romancing with the lonely moon and stars up in the sky.

I'm so content tonight as I'm so blessed with your unconditional love and care. Good night.

I'm a surviving Nut?

I'm too much broken these days. Not because I faught with somebody I love or I'm deprived of my livelihood. But while trying to fill the potholes in the messy road of my life I have broken myself into pieces now...

Before I worried about my brothers staying at home. Now I left them in Delhi midst the unknown crowd and environment. This is the most difficult decision I have taken so far. I assure my parents that nothing will happen to them and I will be visiting them every weekend but I could not do so. While trying to opt for a better route of career and money I need to take a break from my LLB course. Thats one of the saddest thing for me because this one course where my heart falls to study and learn...

I'm filling with the broken pieces of me gap in the road of my life. Don't ask me how I'm doing and feeling as I don't feel anything now. Parenting my parents, nurturing my kid brothers, trying to cope up career pressure I have almost become a living statue. I just know what to do, how to do to meet the deadline, to fulfill the requirement, nothing else...

Sometime I also wish to sing those old songs, dance to my favorite numbers, write those melancholy poems..and narrate those sattered stories and cry for things I have not got..but Ive gone nuts these days..doing nothing, juts sitting idle...I'm lost...

Time to free women and children from sex slavery!!

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Ex-priest-exposes-clergys-sex-secrets/articleshow/6471601.cms

Oh God!! Give the liberty to the self professed Godman to enjoy sex; save women and children from them.

It is not so new to all of us. Like food, water, air, sex is another basic necessities for living;  it is another ingredient for human to survive, reproduce and save the race. Then what  is illegal and illicit factor linked to this term? Why are we having a perception that somebody is cheap and looser if they talk frankly about these? And people devoid of this as Godman?

We are ashamed to accept the human feelings and open up and live the way we are, but rather covered, hidden, suppressed and suffocated. These are exactly happening in our society. The sex racket, scandals, prostitution, trafficking are result of human inability to accept a nature given body, henceforth their feelings are suppressed so far to make a norm in the society, to keep a rule for religion and culture. For me culture, religion and society are another way to victimize the life of those who are given a subordinate position in among the race. Religion is best way to exploit human, nothing related to GOD  and people, no God would ever told a human secretly in his ear that if you wish to be my special man then start living from now onwards devoid of sex and supressed your feelings. If God has ever  delivered such declaration then God is Crazy…!!

Even the epic of God shows his multiple wives, children and his mistresses. Then why are we being so hypocritec to become a big and special man at the cost of harassing those helpless women and the children to kill frustation? In a land of Kamasutra we want to believe the stories of virgin marry. Think universally and naturally, no lady has given birth to a baby without losing her virginity. That’s against her physical needs.

Well, the trafficking news from Manipur, Nagaland and the other NE states hit the news. Sometime I can’t hold back myself and think about the poor children who are almost abandoned by their parents due to severely affected socio-economic condion. They become a sex slave of the GOD man in the Church, Temple and the mosques. If the religion is a medium or platform to exploit , harass or abuse women, children and those who are helpless then religion is a crime and it’s a high time we should abolish the terror of religion from the world till it’s deep root and throw it away. I love living beyond culture, caste and religion because it attacks my freedom, independence and liberty to live freely. I’m born freely from my mother’s womb so nothing can bind me so hard, except my mother’s love.

The hills and the valleys of the NE states are deserted beyond survival. No food, no water, no job, no work and no money, except free air are available. Parent has no capability to raise their kid and feed them even for one meal. They become easy pray for the traffickers, God man’s agents and they took the kids in the name of the free education in the far flung places of South India mostly where there are culture of convent and wide spread Christianity.

I don’t want to give more comment on how and what happen but I’m just angry against these sex hunger priest. Why are they acting as they are unique piece of God and they can be survived devoid of the normal life? Shiv Khera truly said that if such God man can be treated by leading a normal married life then why should not they are allowed to marry instead of women and children become their target of abuse. Many God man lined up this year in the doorsteps of the court and in the police custody. The reports claimed them of owning million dollar properties and even private jet. From where all these money is coming? Surprising fact is that India is the first country in the world who believes that God will be happy by donating gold, silver, properties and money. What a silly people we are when we are into the era where the discussion to live further in moon has been going on. I don’t blame the villagers and uneducated people whose only way to live happily and prosperous is to believe in some unseen divine and getting courage to move ahead in life. But what about the educated fools?

Well it is also our fault that we love to be in the lime light even for the wrong reason and our newspaper love the TRP even if the news is not so important for human morality, ethics and survival. We make a person God in one minute and we can make them a devil and destroy in another minute. But my concern is only for those kids, women who become sex slave to the priest and the God man. They are helpless people who are devoid of survival needs. My only suggestion is that religion or God devotees should not be restricted from having a marital life so that we can live in a world free from abuse, harassment , frustation and discontentment which only led to a disfigure society.

Forget about the big scandal. My own state also suffers from the menace of child marriage. No one give a thought to save from this menance neither the Govt. nor the NGO? They  are happy of launching the drive to close down the restaurants and humilation.. very sad factor is that even the parents think that there is nothing beyond the marriage and having a husband for girl/women. Every women/girl needs a husband or a partner to live with , so as the man needs a wife but not at the cost of life and against the dignity, pride of the human. If the child of 16 yr old is eloped they think she is over and get her married without giving a second thought. We can’t blame the parents who are already beaten so badly by the society norms. What we need is a change to begin from self and education to resist against the norms and culture which are against our survival, not only literacy which gives nothing except a certificate.

Law campus fiasco!!!

After three years of completing M.Sc. from Delhi University I'm now back to campus as a Law student with a dream to give a boost to my career. But things are not so pleasant being a student in Law faculty. To get the degree from the one of the most reputed Law faculty in the country you have to tolerate unhygienic environment. Don’t take me wrong here. Let me elaborate the pain we are going through to become a dignified lawyer. It’s not about study, it is not related to the competitive law entrance to get a seat in this faculty. No doubt this faculty has a name and more than 10 thousand students appear every year to get a seat here. I’m the lucky one to avail a seat here.

But never thought sometime you have to face an unhygienic environment. Unlike the Science faculty where we have to spent our time from 8 to 6pm in the class and lab , you need only 3hrs of your time in Law Faculty. Unlike in Science faculty where the students show their talents in classroom and the Lab, here you need to flaunt more about your speaking & arguing skill. Above all, the fancy cars are additional assets of the law faculty students for the certain elite sections who studied law to break the law someday!!


Well, forget about everything. Now let me get back to what I want to write about this faculty. Working in a pharmaceutical company made me so concern about a hygienic environment. I believe more in protection rather than chewing tablets to protect from the diseases. Being into the law faculty means you have to explore into every available virus, fungus, bacteria, flies and Insects. Just after you get into the department you are welcome by potholes and the flood water and the clumsy environment where you don’t even have a place to stand for five minutes. Moreover if you stand you will be attacked by the insects, flies and mosquitoes who had built a permanent nest in the faculty. The faculty is suitable home for insects, ants and flies and mosquitoes.
Passing though the corridor towards your class, either you have to block your nose or you have to stop breathing for sometime till you cross the vicinity of the toilet. The evening breeze would bring the stinking smell of toilet, dustbins into your classroom and you have to spend the three hours in a classroom by closing all the windows and doors even during the hot sumer. In addition to this you have to fight with those irritating mosquitoes and insects in the class. The decades old ceiling fan no longer work and you always have a steam bath in the class free of course. There is no proper lighting in the classroom and again you have to run to get those seats where the natural lights help your visibility.

Now, it’s election time. The not so good looking DUSU candidates would come and interrupt every class to deliver their trademark campaigning speech. Oh!! So tired of them and their TM smile. Of course they are not so good looking as you can see in their posters posted in the walls of the DU which makes the campus as an old cinema hall instead of the institute.

The dusu candidates are not less than our politicians. In fact they are preparing themselves to become future politicians but India is not in such a stage so that students can opt for politics as a career. These candidates of DUSU and the law faculty, at the first place don’t have a clear mind and honest mentality. Everybody are followers of our politicians who become famous after  facing an allegation of scam, fraud etc. in fact the DU election is a simply a dirty politics and people who would like to involve into the dirty politics stand for the election. Their speech even challenges the decision of the highest Court of India. Sometime they make me so stunt and I keep on thinking OMG, there is lotza things I got to know about the world from this kids.

Then I told myself what this people would do when they can’t even ask the administration of the college to afford to have a clean toilet and a canteen of its own.  Well, well, nothing much to say more about but I’m bit scared these days to visit this reputed faculty because of the dengue problem which is now talk of the town. Just after I get down from my office cab in the metro station I started praying “Oh God protect me from the dangerous mosquitoes”.

Now Im inside the law faculty.... let me enjoy one more campus fiaso......

What if, the world is inhibited by UNISEX???

http://e-pao.net/GP.asp?src=20..280810.aug10

Girl-boy child sex-ratio alarmingly decreasing in state.....

What if there is only one gender? Nothing called as male and female. Hope it's too dreamy but it would be too good to be true because there won't be anything called as discrimination and suppression.
Sometime I keep on thinking and questions like what is the difference between a human and a woman arose in my mind. The pain of being a woman starts from the day we are created as a successful embryo in a mother’s womb. It’s sometime ashamed to say how girl child have been treated even in my own family decades back. Now the things have been changed in my family and there is no longer gender discrimination faced by my sister unlike me and my elder sister had faced while we were a kid.

The cited news of the Sangai Express on the girl-boy child sex ratio intrigues me to share my own experience. But life is full of stories, some are too good and some are not –so-good but they are never bad to learn and march ahead in life.

My experience of being born and brought up in a poor to middle class family in a village/small town is something different. Such experience made me felt that I had already lived a life of 50 years ahead. People search, analyze and do PhD but I don’t need go through all these research because life has taught me enough and I must say all these gave me a lot which no one can grasp from the reading, seeing and practicing.

May be that is the reason I never had any interest in such things as a subject rather I thought of finding something new in the field of Science & Law.

I don’t know who made the society and what the society, culture and traditions fit into our elder’s tiny brains then they become woman hatred. I leave such debates to God who is believed to have made the humans though humans are formed as an embryo in the womb of a woman, who is subjugated, suppressed, look down and had no clan, no surname etc, so far in our society. May be my words are too extreme but believe me reality is more extreme if you are a woman who dream to redraw the line of control drawn by the so called society between the human and the woman.


I have six aunties and my father is the only male child in the family. My grandmother and my great grandmother hated girl child like anything. She did not even touch my youngest sister after her dream to see a grandson was not fulfilled by my mother. Unfortunately, my mother is believed as an omen in the family because she delivered another three girl child and increases the number of female member. I’m happy to know that there was not even a proper “swasthi pooja” when I was born because of the tension arose in the house for another addition of a female candidate. It’s a long gone story, nothing to feel bad about it rather I feel special and lucky , except my mother felt that my notorious behavior is related to all these!!! When she is fed up with my arguments she joked at me “oh you had missed the swasthi pooja”. I’m rather glad because I didn’t listen to the Brahmin reading prayers in Sanskrit. May be that effected me a lot now because I don’t believe in blind & idol worshipping.

The reason of sharing my experience is not just putting complaint against my great grandma and my grandma who had not given us a not so good treatment to us because of being a girl child. They are no more in this world and I owe my deep respect, love and regard to them till their last breathe despite of everything; simply, for the fact that I’m here because of them and they are God for me. How the society, culture and the people living therein made them from human to women is not related to my eternal bonding with them. Their blood still runs through my veins and arteries but I have protected so far myself from being contaminated with the social norms.

They belong to a very poor family and their husbands expired in the very early age and they had to face the hardship of surviving and living both in a male-dominated society.

As a child I never agree to whatever my grandmother said because I felt that she ill-treated me, my elder sister & my mother but later on I changed my perception thinking that she loved us so much and don’t want us to face the same troubles they had faced being a woman.

They were always furious with my parents because of my dressing sense. I had never touched a phanek till class VIII just because they force me to wear it and its an offensive figure to them seeing a girl of my age roaming with the boys in the locality with half-pant, big Tees and short hair. They gave me examples of my neighbor beautiful girls wearing phanek, long hair. Sometime their words hurt me a lot and I even dreamt to walk like them, have a long hair and wear a phanek but I always failed. But I’m truly adored by my parents and never told me to wear a phanek. Rather they are happy with my performance in school and always encourage me to be what I’m. I still remember my father taking me to the tailor to stitch proper coat-trousers and a beautiful skirt for my elder sister. What a sweet memory it was and I might not be the person I wanted to be if they have not given me so much of freedom to pursue whatever I felt. They protected me so much from the suppressive norms of the society and let me enjoy my childhood without bothering which gender I belong to despite of all the harsh words from my aunties and grandma.

The feeling of ignorance, suppression and discrimination hurts undoubtedly. Some people say that I 'm thinking too much but when it comes to the question of being self, dignity, pride and respect of a human, it matters a lot. May be that is the reason I find it quite difficult to deal with certain section of the MCP who can see woman just an ornament and cultural ambassador of the society. We don't want to change and grow with time but we love being a copying cat of other's in the name of culture and tradition preservation. We bother more about the culture, tradition and society but never thought & discussed and try to rectify our mistakes of treating a girl child differently from her counterparts.

So, isn’t it the time for us to wake up and educate ourselves instead of killing a fetus in the womb of a mother and making her a criminal instead of a mother? True, we live in a lawless land but let’s not at least make a mother a criminal by enforcing her to do sex-determination of the fetus and depriving her from her motherhood. Nevertheless, I might be born as an unwanted child to my family; my parents never owe less love to anyone of us so lets not force a mother to kill her child. This thought must have killed them instead. Why should not we welcome a girl child with a smile instead of terminating her in the womb? Let them free from the taboo of the culture, tradition and society norms, they will outperformed what a man can ever do. Then why are we still so bound with the name namesake clan, surname and heritage. Who said that the bloods from the parents don’t run through a girl’s veins & arteries. They are same as a male child except that the society made them women/girl depriving from their basic rights to enjoy as a free human.

Silence is the hardest argument to refute!!!!

These few words have changed how I look into a situation and how I handle it.

Since then I thought of keeping silence to any circumstances where there would not be any justification of words, my life is too good and peaceful. These days I don't pay attention to the idiots and hypocrites, don't waste my time and energy to the issues which is created by some devil minds. lastly but not the least, those people who has a problem with their own life but they lead a different life like hypocrites in order to show to the world. That’s something I really hate,so sometime i love hating pople. Its more than enough for me to learn from the people around me regarding all facts & fakes of life. Sometime I keep on thinking how people must be feeling when they lei to themselves and how they must be leading a life in that way!!

Should you call m self centered or self obsessed for being  so quite but I can never lei to myself. I can never live an artificial life, can't believe to a lie that would kill me soon like a slow poisoning...

These days some funny things are happening in my own social network too. Obviously the victim would be people like me, I have faced the same situation innumerous times.
"Expecting the world to treat u fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a lion not to eat you just because you are a vegetarian"

I'm not anybody's side neither agaist anybody  but simply feel irritated when ppl played with emotions n sentiments . In the morning I read some words of Arundhati Roy regarding a movie made on poverty.

"People become rich by selling poverty, but not the poor. They sell poverty but not the poor because it is not attractive."

Same thing is happening in my own soceity. Some rich people from some rich family gathered to support the  poor and needy. But things turns out upside down. Sometime I pity those people who live life for money and happy with other's gratitude only. They can never be happy without getting something in return. What a shame?
What a shame for these people who are more concerned with winning an argument instead of understanding the situation and trying to help.

Here again I opt to keep silent because I know that they can never see/feel/understand how a poor lead their life. What can I ask more to those people who feel proud of growing up in a protecting family without acknowledging where they live, those people who drive a sleek car where the road deserves for a bullock cart?
This is how elite people look at the poor people, they are not helping the poor, and they want to feel good with the gratitude they have got from the pity mouths of the poor. They want to enjoy with the ecstasy of joy by spending their money to cover up the poverty. They want to feel worthy of their life and forget about the sin they have done or by their parents by doing same business of poverty, so called helping the poor and needy .....
 
written two years back after attending  a ngo meeting in Bassnt Kunj....thank god she didnt call back after my mail....

UNTITLED.......

Yes, I’m different. I’m a brave lady in your eyes. I have so many things in my life except you.

It’s also true that I can stand on my own. Even the sky falls over me, I shall not stop being myself. Your brave lady!!
She cried......
I’m not used to live without having him around me. I thought time will come and I will feel that it’s the time to move on. But how far I’m able to move on?

He went away with so many promises left behind without fulfilling it. He owns a wife now, he is a good son in his parent’s eyes and he is a father from his unwanted wife.
How would you justify me that you love me so much an you can’t live without me? My mistake lies with my perception being so liberal and living with my dream man. But he was someone who couldn’t understand himself. He is among that man who sadly can’t recognize his own feelings.

With an excuse of caste and religion he left me so easily. With such an easy excuse of fulfilling his parents dream he forgot to feel the nerves running in my body.

Have been years I never tend to involve and move ahead with another someone special. Life does not end here. I know I don’t wish anybody teaching me but what I’m looking now is just to recover from this phase of life.
Suddenly yesterday I was getting ready to go for office I found his ties left in my room. Suddenly in the back of my mind flash back that day I bought this tie for him for his promotion. I thought I sun will never set for us and will not leave me alone in the darkness. I dream that the romance will continue till I’m death. Now I have to live like a living death body. Dying for every moment and seconds makes me so tired of this life.

My landline numbers suddenly ring.

The heavy voice on the other side of the phone seems to be quite known to me. In fact his voice shattered my world suddenly. I could not hear his voice from last one year.

I don't know what he wanted from me now? Something left with me??
He said “I’m here in Delhi”. Can we meet for the last time?

I didn’t speak anything. The tears just roll down. I just replied “would you still call me a brave lady and I can face any situation?”

He didn’t answer. We hold the phone for some minutes. He keep saying “hello” in another end of the phone then I hang the phone repeating his words “I’m a brave lady and I should face every situation”.

While driving down the busy roads of Delhi, my mind keeps thinking of the woman whom he got married. For whom he has to abandon me emotionally and physically. How lucky she must be getting so much of love from her in-laws and her husband. Why I’m feeling so cheated when I know that nothing was wrong on my part. Though it was him.

On the side mirror of my car I was looking at myself. My eyes were swelling so I was trying to cover up with the thick dose of the eye-liner. Whatever you are and how sad your life is, office is not the place you should show your personal life. Learn with the past experience I try to own a lost smile and enter my department.

Just after I enter my office, I don’t know where I’m and I forgot now what should not do in the office.

Oh! Unbelieveble! This should not happen to me today! I have some important cleints to meet up today! Saying this I just rush to my cabin without noticing what's happening around.

My colleagues and seniors are congratulating him for his marriage and his new found baby. Suddenly I remember those days I would insist to sit near his system in the name of working and tease him whole day. How much he got annoyed with my unpredictable temper and tantrums.

His suddenly left me so numb.

Neither I cry nor do I say a word. Just sitting in my cabin and trying to hide my lost state in fronts of my colleagues. I don’t know how I should react now. Everybody in the office made so many stories about us is created when we were together and after he left to get married with another woman. Now I have to face another story of his sudden visit to my office. I don’t know which is more painful?

his sudden appearance with a gloomy face or the pinching stories of the onlooker? Both I have to suffer since he has already escape from such questions. Questions and lies are only thing he has left with me for the love he has owed.
When I’m already lost in my thought he suddenly peep through my cabin and said “may I come in….. “

What will happen when the heart bleeds for 64th years???

http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article572410.ece
http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article572596.ece?homepage=true

Like any human who owns a heart to feel I simply want to ask a simple question what will happen when the heart bleeds for 64th year??

Today is 64th Independence Day of India. The blue sky of political city Delhi is coloured with the triclour kites & flags. The kids are playing cricket on the empty road and every person is busy celebrating the 64th year of freedom. But I have no mood to celebrate but I have not still got the freedom included in every para of the constitution. I'm still a foriegner even being in my own country. I'm still a refugee run from home to escape from the stray bullets and granades. No life has a natural death in my home. Someday even I will also end my life in the hands of those stray bullets fying indiscreminately in the free air. They have no caste, sex, race and colour. They are unisex liberal killers.

Just reading the Hindu Newspaper. Every passing PM and the President give their speech to its people and it always has one common appeal for Kashmir and NE. How sad if you are living like this and for how long we will live like this. Since then I'm born to the Independent India we have never be part of the celebration. Whether I like it or dislike it I can never deny I'm an India. Whether I'm against the politicians and the people who are racist against my community we have never forgot to cheer for India when they are playing cricket against Pakistan. Whether we are called chiky or nepali we couldn't stop our tears when the Indian armies are killed in the Kargil War. When I isten to Lata Mangesker's song "mere waton ke logo" and AR Rahman's "Maa tujhe salam", my eyes become wet.

How sad again about these feeling which has not been recognised and disrespected for so many years.
Without knowing the meaning in my grandfather who was my teacher. But I'm sad about my grandfather who taught me this song but he have not seen that his childrens are not treated not so well by the Independent Bharat.

Good to hear the PM offering to the terrorist of NE and Kashmir to come to the dialogue table. We have only one dream to feel free from our bleeding heart and celebrate the true celebration of the Independence Day.

When you have seen your parents in home are living under the sky of bullets and their life is at stake how could you ask me to sit in peace and celebrate the 64th year of Independence. Is the Independence only destined for the people lives in the mainland then . Who can celebrate when their gates are shut down by the wires of AFSPA?

The politicians benefits from the bussiness of AFSPA. The millitants enjoy the opportunity to thrash us and cut our throat from survival taking its advantage. The police & army loot us, rape our body and dignity in the name of protecting the state but no one has bother about the people.

The law protects the country from the separatist, the army and the state force execute to suppressed the activism and the activist do good deal with the politicians to gain monetarily and to earn name, fame and position. Today's separatist is future politician, today's student Union leader who is shouting against the state and its policy is tomorrow's Chief Minister. The biggest bussiness in a state protected by AFSPA is you either become a millitant or enter state police, or a student union leader or then you have a bright future.

How sad it is to think about the fact that I'm born to a troumatised state where you have nowhere to land. It really bleeds out heart. This is the same feeling that must be happening to the every person who lives through the pain and anguish of living in Manipur and JK. Have they ever got the opportunity to celebrate the Indenpendence day without facing the genaral strike,Bundh and threat from the terrorist and I still ask the another question ...

Will they get the opportunity to celebrate the Independence Day by forgetting the gunshots, their lost fathers, mother, husband, bothers and sisters in their lifetime?

I'm eager to witness that day before I take my last breathe.
But for me I could never forget the sounds of the raining gunshots in the middle of the nights in my last visit to home. Can anyone stop my brothers from fearing from the sounds of crackers and the deeming sounds of heavy boots heard in the front of our door? What a sad feeling I had when my brothers got scared of the sounds of the crackers and fireworks in a neighbours marraige in Delhi. They thought the gunshots have followed them till here. They thought there is the police have come for a combing operation near our rented room.

So far I have forgotten to remember those gunshots while trying to engage with the struggle to survive as a refugee in the big city. Wish my brothers also learn to erase those erratic sounds from their memory.

But the heart bleeds when you remember your vacated home and your old parents living out there among the millitants, corrupted politicians, the police...

Our hearts are bleeding from the last 64th years...

Don't ever say you are A-political...!!!!

When you talk to your mother, you have different way to please her.
When you argue with your father you have different approach to achieve what you want.
When you guide your siblings you have various ways to make them understand the world.
When you talk to your enemy, you are something and unique; you are not as sweet and adorable as you were in front of your mother..

..This is a how we involve in a family and then in a society.

And this is simply called as politics. These days some people comment on the group of mine who are settled in Delhi & outside Delhi as “Oh they played lots of politics among themselves”. Before I used to get offended & feel bad with their comments.
True, we have tremendous amount of differences. Sometime we fought like we would kill each other if meet face to face. But these are the essence of living. At least we have tried to think,do and execute something , may be its output is less than Zero in their eyes. But the easiest job one can every do in life is that of a spectator and commentator.

And yes, at least we get a life. That’s how I concluded with myself.

What would be the life which have no discussion, no fighting, no argument, no anger and of course no peace followed by within ourselves. We are highly influenced by the place we are living also. There won’t be hardly any person in Delhi who at least had not explored into the political sides of the state or country. The air is fully enriched by politics only both bad and good. It depends on which one you absorb for yourself.

Yeah, there are people who loved to live in the closed shell through out the life. Story is different for them. I’m not talking about those people who just want to survive only. Some people commented as we don’t understand your politics and don’t want to be into that…but I tease inside “get a life please”…you are just surviving but not living.
I do lots of politics*, begining from 6:30 am in the morning from 10:30 pm. Politics refers to its literal meaning but not the politics of the politicians and its well known hatred meaning carried in our mind. Through politics only I’m able to work 15-16 hours in a day taking and playing different roles.

In the early morning I have to be a kitchen master cooking and preparing lunch and breakfast for my bros before I leave for office. Then in office I have been thoroughly get back to the job and professional. After the job I again get back to my Campus of Law Faculty where I met many people from different background and everyday I have to add on something in my knowledge so that I become a living human, not a statue.

So while meeting my classmates I have a different approach. In office I have to understand  my colleagues who wants to gossip and wants to throw me into trouble. Either I have to shut their mouth or I stop interacting with them... So life is encircled by huge circle of politics and without politics you can’t live, just merely surviving is extremely easy by accepting whatever comes in my way.

I have many friends in school who are born in very rich family and they live life like in a jail though it is made up of gold. Neither they can't enjoy with friends freely nor they can develop their own personality. When the turns of choosing a life then put a full stop in their life. Yeah, they have done no politics and they have not lived their life..so as no struggle.

So now just don’t say I’m apolitical. It's like you are impotent and incaple to live.
When you say this line you are defaming your living status. If anyone further comments then I have only one answer ...please get a life.
Here I’m not referring to dirty bitching. That’s not politics as usually known. That’s remains as bitching only but politics is how you simply interact with your family and society and how we work out to move ahead in life, get respect, dignity etc….

WAKE UP "SHITs".....

“Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels”

I really love this quote.

This line clicked my mind today morning while reading the news of so many millitants joining hands to show patroitism and solidarity to their motherland.

There are few proverbs I always keep in my mind and that's my mom favorite proverb when she notices something happening unpropotionately i.e the wife of a carpenter does not own a bed to sleep and the wife of a jeweler doesn’t even own a Tula or gram of gold through out her life....

Confused!!! Like the above proverbs, my homeland is full of activist these days. You can categorize and classified them into millions. Some as page 3 activist who loves only PR realizing and show off in TV & print media, some are face book activist who loves only updating photos in face book. What else but its better to maintain silent always instead of arguing with them because I know their mind are quite volatile and unnecessarily why I become a target to burst out their love for their homeland. Also I had been their target so many times earlier too...

I don't wish someone question me what I felt for my homeland. What I want to do and what all trouble I have faced. Because I belong to a remote place where I have to keep counting the gunshots in my bed and my parents are immune to the guns and bullets. Neither we own a building to protect from the bullets  nor we are able to afford of running to a safer place but still I don’t wish to come on the road and show my patriotism only on the road.

For anything I’m involved with I’m always against the publicity. May it be war or peace. Everything relates to human and you can’t touch a soul by clicking a picture and by threatening them. I used to hate the politicians and the film stars a lot for them showing pity thing in the TV and earning name through cheap publicity and playing with human emotions. May be their intention is right but how would I judge them? If you really wish to do something do you need a picture to show to the world? Yes, I agree awareness is important but it should not be at the cost of someone’s pity life. Still, I’m so quite and most of the time I avoid argument because it is useless sometime to exchange conversation with people who are always in the active mode of fighting and with an attitude that they know everything. I wish God bless them sometime for their attitude and enrich their infant brain.


My homeland owns a patriot in every home that's why it’s still a colonized state where people can be slaughter anytime. In fact we are outside the boundary of Indian constitution...when we live without the basic freedom then aren't we so foolish to own so many human rights oragnistaion. So far they are just doing great bussiness of the dead bodies..and earning money and fame..

My homeland has the maximum number of NGO’s to work for the HIV positive people henceforth we are the state which has maximum no. of HIV positive people. Similarly, we also own almost in every home one HIV positive person like we own many patriots in every home ...

Likewise we also own so many self proclaimed democratic organizations which are mushrooming in every corner of the locality to carry forward the undemocratic tasks. Likewise we also have many fractions for each revolutionary/military/terrorist group because of them we are still slave to the independent India.

Again, we own many engineers engineered by the MLA’s and run by the contractors and their achievement so far is that they have built up a flyover so far....

...So far we also have many doctors and they are in the most respectable position in my homeland so we own two big paralyzed state hospitals and people die even from the minor diahorrrea in the 21st centaury. Forget about the Japanese Encephalistis...they are destined to die for suffering from such disease..

Finally we are in the lawless state where every home has one commando and IRB who gets into the job by paying 15 to 20 lakhs for a salary of 5- 10 K and with a license to kill freely...

And yes, now Indepence day is approaching and I saw many legal and illegal organizations/ revolutionary/militants/ terrorists calling bandhs, general strike through out the state. This is the time they united and show their solidarity to their pityful homeland full of shits like them. Yes, this is how they show their patriotism because this is the only way to exhibit their art of  so called revolution against India.

By the way who is suffering by this strike?
Of course, not the MLAs/Enginerrs/Doctors/Cammandos/Terrorist, except the poor fellows who are regularly attending their call off from survival.

That’s why now I want to say loud “WAKE UP SHITS” to all those self proclaimed patriots of a poor Manipur. 13th August is coming and you all are planning for a grand event but remember that just by wearing the "khamen chatpa pheijom wored by Paona Brajabashi " is not the spirit to show respect to them...

So just wake up from the shits where you all are sleeping for so long....Lets wake up someday with the true guts to celebrate the Happy Patriots Day!!

Is Femenism contradicting Motherhood??

“Feminism refers to political, cultural, and economic movements aimed at establishing greater rights, legal protection for women, and/or women's liberation. Feminism includes some of the sociological theories and philosophies concerned with issues of gender difference. It is also a movement that campaigns for women's rights and interests. Nancy Cott defines feminism as the belief in the importance of gender equality, invalidating the idea of gender hierarchy as a socially constructed concept. Feminists are persons of either sex, or females only (in which case males may be profeminists), who believe in feminism.”


…on the way back from Mohali I was engaged with some self-debate while seeing two ladies sitting with me in the same compartment of the train. Both them are quite tired trying to control their small kids. I can see the anger, love, care, possessiveness and the irritation on their face. The kids keep running out of the compartment and the poor mothers would also run after them to catch them. The ladies also got uncomfortable with other passengers expression getting irritated with babies shouting and jumping here and there. their kids are disturbing rest of the passengers sleep.

I was also no less their kid's victim for a while but finally they have played with me after I gave all the eatables to them. One jump into my lap to grasp the juice and other dragging from him and in the process my shirt got stained and I had to change. I feel bad thier mom saying sorry again and again to me. Well I seem to have lots of patience these days….I was rather so happy playing with them instead of just sleeping in the train though I was drop death tired trying to catch the big fish in the RD center of the company by signing them with the confidential documents.
So now coming back to feminism, as the meaning talks about women liberalism, freedom to live, think, eat and whatever….!!

But seeing the two mothers I question myself does these two women ever remember the definition and used of the above words in their life? Hope my question is quite valid to them also, not an offensive one and contradicting to her motherhood!! The question of living life with liberty, freedom comes when you have time to live a life of your own. No one can question a woman about her desire to become a mother and her love for her kids. She forgets to live her life once she has a baby, that’s exactly you can see. She leaves job, forgets her own parents, sacrifice the night talks with her best pals and even herself. She sacrifices everything including her dream, aim, opportunities and lives for her children only. In short that becomes her new life encompassing everything.

When the rest of the male passengers are sleeping and playing with their new age gadgets these two ladies are still going mad taking care of the kids with an face seeking apology from the rest. Meanwhile playing with these kids I felt may be they also sometime wish to travel without any tensions and so much of worries around like any other male passengers. But mothers are bound too; they won’t leave a home carefree attitude that kids will be taken care of by their dad like a man thought off. I hope it is not only about the love of being a parent but also an inherent sole responsibility of being a care taker which most of the man are devoid of; may be because of the society set or may be a human tendency of living life easily passing off the bucks to the partners head. No offence, this is not a question to the fatherhood of man and not meant to say that they love their kids less than a mother do…here comes the contradicting existence of a feminism and motherhood within a woman. If another definition applies another will go in the opposite direction. No matter, I don’t wish to interpret that feminist doesn’t want to have children and hates motherhood. Any woman despite of her social stand and takes and gives loves the God gifted motherhood, except that slowly while she is donned with an exciting status of being a mother in the society, she simply seems to loss her much needed right to live with her life as an individual with full of her dreams of own, as she is born being as an inherent sole care taker in parenting the kids. If she lives and continue the same what would be talked about her? Every person had his/her own interpretation of her.

renunciation....

the night passes
reopening  the cemented wound
hidden so far
in an earthen space
like a centaury old tomb

when the heart wanted
humming to a forgotten song
this night
Clad with its melancholy
break its rhythm

How I wish to conceal
Her beauty, power and wisdom tonight
so far
she only hurt me
she only tore me into pieces
like an unused clothes

You see how insensible
The trees, the stones and the flowers are
lying unasnwered to me

how insensible the winds,
the moon and the stars tonight
they could never let you go
Though you silently left me long ago

As this moment passes
I’m painted with hue of colour
Red, green, yellow and black

And I’m invisible
Wrap and clad with senses
Of joy and lost……

Beyond now!!

Weather is extremely beautiful today. It's pleasant and making me so fresh though I'm already so tired because of the hectic schedule. I thought of talking to you tonite as it has been a long time we have not have a good discussion as usual. Though you seem to be too excited with everything happening around you ......but silently I feel that I'm losing you again.

I don't know why I treat myself as a stranger today so I call another fren to say what I felt now but she too fell asleep as the night is already fall and slept.

Well, I'm beyond my reach now. I don't want to think anything but just I'm enjoy this passing moments though it would be good if you are around ....I will just wait and face whatever comes in my way..hope just kill me sometime. But don't feel bad for these beautiful hopes just built up on you for some days..but feel bad that you will never know about it ...and i no longer share with you too...as I said I'm beyond my reach now...neither you can reach me too...because you had never tried to walked upon in this path and never I let you show the path..leading towards me!!!

 Anyway I don't wish to waste this beautiful night because of anything. Seems you are also not so worthy to waste this moment with the agony of getting far away from me. Wanna spend this beauiful time with some good music and good thoughts. Tomorrow is still an uncertain dream for me so I dont want to waste it with the thought of you being away from me....

I'm already too tired and already had a hectic day....now I wanna catch with a good dream..

Chaoba Phuritshabam- Free from your cage: Nothingness.....

Chaoba Phuritshabam- Free from your cage: Nothingness.....

Nothingness.....

Life doesn’t end in a moment
Nothingness lies encompassing the surprises
Embrace the passing moments
Cuddle with the moments we had shared
We ain't sure of another tomorrow
Let our heart enjoy in the pain & sorrow
Though lets not paint life
with its colour of sadness
You have to make a choice
Either you live your life
or life force you to live
Nothingness is where the life is
we are no longer stranger to it
Live with it
and cuddle with it
in this short journey!!

Beutiful hours!!!

The only time where I can be only with myself is the night time. Whole day I keep running and I even forgot my own existence. But at the end of the day when the world falls asleep and when the night is already tired of its loneliness I remember myself and my own existence. That's the reason I always keep awake and be there to be with myself. The hope, dream, desire to live a life with full of freedom wake up suddenly when I'm with this lonely night. How special the nights I have so far spent in my life.....???

The day is not mine and I work for others but so far no one can still my precious moments and someone has missed something in their life if they miss to see the beauty of the dark, lonely nights which only awaits to meet a new day who is not so welcoming to her.

Everyday in the office I thought of writting this and that in my blog which is alternative diary for me. But could never do that. I just love writting diary since my school days. No one has ever teach me the how beautiful the nights are and its unseen dreams. But whatever I'm today its because of the beautiful nights which I spent with dreams full of star and hope.

What enejoy most in my life is that I'm blessed to witness every stages of the life ranging from the society where the civilsation falls no shadow to a place where civilisation cemented the human feelings and pains. Rememnber those days where I used to sit in the back of the cycle with my father and used to go the most beautiful lake Loktak Lake. Where me and my brother would go for boating and keep talking about the search of diamonds underneath the water. Every sparkling things were diamond for my cousin brother and he was so happy seeing them and use to lift them with a stick. How innocent life I used to live in those days. But I become far from myself since then I'm here and I started pursuing my dream in a land where you dream without hope.

What is the meaning of life when its purpose is just the substitute of toll tax payable with your hard earned life? Life is exciting when you take so many responsibilities and when you dream for a starry dream with your eyes wide open watching and counting the stars which could never in your life. Sometime Life is like aiming to meet this stars shinning to far which you could never meet in life. Dreams and hope only land you somewhere but You never met with the dream you actually see. I could never find an appropiate price I could afford to pay for living so far from my parents who has become so older day by day. Sometime I wake up suddenly in the middle of the night scarring with the thought that I'm staying 10 years away from my parents. How unfortunate I'm to miss every growing age of them and how could I miss something for so long which I could never see again.

Just waiting eagerly for October to come. I wanted mom and dad to be here with me at least for a month. For so long I'm missing their love and care. Life become really deserted when I could give no time to them. I wanted to live life again with all those nostalgic feelings in home.

Am I just dreaming of another hopeless dream?

Some lesson!!!

Has been some days I stop writing in my blog. Quite busy and tired but I'm enjoying every bit of moments passing in my life. Both my brother's admission is done and they have started going to school. Especially I'm happy for the elder one, who has been sitting for so long in home waiting for his admission to be completed. I'm so thankful to my college friends who are so helpful to me.

I think i have lived the longest part of my life in this year. There won't be any free seconds which I have not used in this year. There are many dreams which I want to live though its too difficult to keep them upto the expectation....I have never wanted to compromise my life with just a corporate job and wasting those money in the shopping in the market to buy some fancy clothes. What life would be if Im only left with one job in hand and nothing to do?

I hate sitting idle and empty minded..that's one reason of people making crazy with other's life. I lived different life in a day. I don't have a boring and frustated corporate worker whole day and throw my tantrums when I'm back at home. My day starts at 6:30 am in the morning. Sometime my youngest brother would knock at the door as it is the time for me to prepare their breakfast and lunch before I leave for office. Once I'm done with the morning household work I had to rush for office cab where I met my colleague whom i shared all the woes and pain we faced in the office. But I always maintain a pin drop silence in the work place because once you open your mouth you are in trouble in a corporate environment. That's what I learnt and you can never be so friendly and also work smoothly in my office. Not so good politics and some demotvating environmnet. But for me it is not a big problem as know I'm good these days with the art of ignorence.

One thing I would realy miss is my evening LLB class in Law Faculty. My classmates are very supportive and here I get the most energetic guys who are ready to faced everything in life. Most of us are office goers but we all are very active group fortunately except some uncles who came to ease out their frustation in class. I'm so happy all my friends passed the exams with good marks despite of all the challenges. Yeah, my LLB  3rd semister is going to start from tomorrow and we are going to treat each other with the suger flavor tea in the canteen.

The most important thing I have learnt from my Dad and all the hard time I had gone through this time is that everything is manageabel in life if you wish to do something in life from your heart. My father did not own a high degree certificate but he is most educated person I met in my life. No one has ever teached me so much about life like my mom and dad ever teach me though I live so far from them. From last year I have been too occupied with so many things but I always tried at my best level to cope up with everything. I took over the responsibility to look after two kid brothers while I was already so burdened with my office and study. But everything is just going on and on and things are happening in the right direction. So I'm simply happy.

Hmm, for writing I'm not able to write much in my blog but I keep writing in my mail or paper whenever I get little time. Writing is one of the best way to ease out stress for me. Oh! I seem to miss something. Yeah, the role I used to play for the social issues. Now I seem to give up while so many Page 3 activist coming up and I'm quite tired and shattered seeing all of them lined up on every social networking site.Well these days I no longer feel angry and don't want to have any argument.

Lately, though its really good for myself , that I never feel like arguing or replying to anyone. Yeah I realised that there can be no argument between sense and nonsense. Argument can be between only sense and sense that has been lost from the people I lived around. So better I shut my eyes and dream. Thats what I do these days.

Regarding my career too things are changing and now i'm in the track which I always wish to pursue. I have only few things to complete. So I'm planning for a visit to Bombay in first week of next month and have some good time with my friends/colleagues and with my bro.

The night is too late but I just don't want waste this beautiful night by just sleeping and dreaming so leaving this notes as a gift to this beautiful day which gave me so much in my life. There is nothing I have not got from this 24 hour duration. So much of love & care from my brothers, my parents, colleagues, friends and myself. Now I have to go to sleep for another 6 hours to gather some energy so that I can face the new challenges of a new day which is eagerly waiting to meet me soon.

Hope......

Let's rock the faith
Let's break the chain of sadness
Let's unwind the failing time
Let's walk through the turbulent wave

Time is less
Time is less
Time is less

My dear
Lets make love again with our life
before it engulfs by hatred
As you know

the faith can no longer be trusted
the god can no longer be blamed
The love can no longer be virgin
Sad
Sad
Sad

But let's not break our heart
The day is just passing off
leaving behind us with only questions
Lets wake up and shout soon
Lets open our heart and feel
the lost scent of the soil

Isn't it the time
Isn't it that hour of need
bridging between you and me

Time is less
Time is less
Time is less

Lets make love again with our life
before it engulfs by hatred

* just encouraging myself to overcome the hatred born inside because of all the cercumstances surrounding us.

Fruits of your taste!!!

Some has more curves
Some looks fair and attractive
Some own hips like the Brazilians
Yeah welcome to the market of fruits
You have the choice to hold and weight
You can just lift and taste its juices
How far the fruits can cry of your misdeeds
Welcome to the market of fruits
Some are like your favorite apple
Some looks like your juicy orange
You have the option in front of you
It’s like the market of fruit
Apple, orange, grapes,
Choose the one of your own
Till the time market is shut for you
She has a better curve
She own a reddish cheek like that of apple
Doesn’t she taste juicy like those of orange?
Oh! That’s your saddest moment
Though she doesn’t own hips like the Brazilian!!!

Rain & Me!!

Tomorrow may not be ours
Yesterday was for them
You own none
I own none

But
We belong to this moment
Lets not miss it
Lets not waste it
Lets enjoy
with the every falling drops of rain...

Like the rain annoyed with the desert
You may not annoy with me
Like the moon dump the nongoubi bird
You can't just walk away
Depriving me of your smile

Don't I owe the love in your heart
Don't I deserve for your first kiss
Don't I feel the first touch from your eyes
Don't I get hurt if you dump me so tonight?

Come again
Hold me tightly towards you
To heal the pain within me

Tonight
We would just walk and search
in a darkest rain forest
For a virgin love
which we can own together.

*nongoubi bird- an imaginary bird which awaits whole life for the moon to come out & shine in the sky. Believe to be most poetic bird which every poet of Manipur origin used to express their anxious feelings of long wait for someone they love...

Rain comes down!!

Rain comes down a decade ago
Rain comes down a year ago
Rain comes down in a gone sad day too
Though it tried only to wash way his memory
Left me alone with his sin of love
Though I compliant not
For his silent departure from an unworthy dream
Though I do not question him tonite
I just smile
Teasing, his eroding footsteps in the sand
While the rare raindrops of July moist my lips today
Suddenly I felt your existence around me
Oh! Isn’t the beginning of a new dream?

Rain talks!!

Delhi is showering with rain and pleasant breeze since yesterday. Yeah I am no more blaming the Delhi weather now. In fact I'm falling in love with this weather. I keep sitting til late night and keep walking in my balcony facing to the park till I felt that I'm drop death tired.

I dont know about tomorrow and I dont want to think also. I'm enjoying this moment all alone and its my patented time, no can claim. Tomorrow may be hell or heaven, that's not in my hand. But now I felt that I'm in heaven with this pleasant breeze refreshing my mind but not the wound which he has caused to me. Let this rare raindrops of July wash your memory forever and heal the wound inside me. Though I no longer remember you, sometime back in my mind, I try to come back to those path which I walked upon with you. But its no worth now. I have moved on, thats what I'm sure of and I'm happy unlike before.

  Hope, as my friend said let it be the rain which came to wash your past or someone else so that you wake up tomorrow morning with a beautiful day. For so long I have tried to be live alone and isolated from everyone. Of course, I'm not in depression but I want to know myself more and wanna asked and asnwer what I want at this crucial moment in my life. Many things are lying ahead of me now. Regarding my family responsibility, career and an undecided relation. I rather seek a friend who can be my best companion for lifetime rather than romancing a stranger all over again. Yet I'm so confused from last few months. Seems this time too it will be left undecided only. But that will also be good for me. I will be lost again in myself.

But I tried not to take tension but change the way I look into a situation in everything I face in life. Regarding family, everything is in terms of what i want. But except that my neighbors insanity troubles my parents everyday and left them in tears sometime. And me waking up whole night thinking on what could be done with them? But I can not find a medicine for those people who are born as unchangeable bastard. But I just have to take precaution and have to change my parents thinking so that they are no longer affected  with their tantrums.

Well, its already too late. Only 7 hours left for me to get ready for office. I hate to waste such beautiful time by just sleeping and dreaming something not realistic. This time is more beautiful than any other dream.

Things you can't buy for Me!!

As usual when I'm upset or bit drunk (now I left this habit :-@ ), I used to call you or sms you. I know sometime you hate me and become intolerable because of only one question and one person I always asked to you. Here, I'm talking about a friend cum brother of me who always stood for me but I no longer stand for him because of many reasons...

I know how I'm fortunate to have so many people to love me, yet I'm being so demanding and aggressive all the time. I hope so. Well, I'm also missing you brother and wish we can talk all those bullshits which we can never share with others...like you teaching me how I should treat my own life and many other things about life ...
Well, you do everything for me, buy my favorite earrings when you come back from office tour but there was one thing you said you can't buy for meh!! That's something impossible I fall for all the time. That's about something entrenched deep inside me but you hate to talk about. Now you might be thinking that why I forgot all those misdeeds and how come i'm being so friendly. But nothing is changed to meh. Why I 'm doing is to show that I have no space for him anymore and I have moved on from everything...I'm strong enough to stand alone...

I'm living a new life with new dreams & hope which is so beautiful, dreamy, refreshing...not gloomy at all...I no longer wish to drink like i did last year and belive me I don't cry at all...so you are not receiving those emotional sms from me....In fact I have started looking life from a different angle now..I'm now not pulling after something which is not going to happen in my life...I'm sure about the good things gonna come in my ways and yeah I'm working hard in every perspective of life to shine just the you want me to see...like you said I don't feel angry anymore with anybody or anything...Yes, nothing is so important and so valuable than giving value to yourself..thats what I learnt from you..I'm just too busy with my life and pursuing all those things which I wanted to do in life....thank you so much for all those tips you have given me to give best output in my professional life...you know I'm just happy to have you around always...take care...I'm sorry for my blunt words when you called  last time....i know I should not speak to you in that way..but I'm angry with you because of so many things..that you know obviously...but please don't scold me OK..we can talk about the simple things which won't make us hate each other....!!

Buying some peace!!!!

Wanna go to sleep now but could not close my eyes....have so many things to do tomorrow. Have to wake up in the early morning and final visit to school for brother's admission. I had a great evening today helping my yougest brother to do his project work for summer vaccation.. I had to go through history, geography and all those kiddy stories to complete his project. Moreover I had time to interact with them. For so long I could not even talk to them for a hour because of office, my class and my habit of being lost in my own dream. I felt from a long time I have lost my mental peace because of many things. To gain something I have to loss something...I'm buying some peace this time...

Paying toll tax???

Living life in a metro is like paying toll tax in every step you take. Sometime I don't know how my days started and ended. It becomes same everyday while running here and there and trying to cope up with so many things in your head. I'm rather become a walking talking robot from so many days. I just talked and walked so fast in order to complete everything in a given time.

Finally I'm at peace as my brother's registration for admission is done. Running for school admission in Delhi is like a pain in the ass...neither you can sit  nor can you sleep..so restless from so many days. Above all these I got so frustrated seeing my brother's class X mark sheet and started breaking out all my frustration when every school turn down for registration. System has been made so stagnant that you are not given a chance to enter the school and talk to concerned person. Every school I got only one answer that's we don't take student from outside states and seeing our face is another backdrop as they still suffer from the syndrome that NE people come with quota and the cant read and write.

Should I thank myself for my presence of mind this time? In the right time I wrote letter to Education (S) office and requested him to forward the request to the school. Thank God!! He listens unlike others and finally the school principal accepted and let us registered for admission. Not again please, I'm too tired with all this bhagam bhagg.....I need a big break and planning to spend some good time in a hilly state with my friends in Delhi and buy some peace and silence..that’s the need of the hour for me now. I really don't know how I'm executing the things and I'm really going mad through out the year while coping up so many things..but now I know what should I prioritize now...one of the best habit I have own now is shortening my phone conversation....I can no longer speak to phone more than 10 minutes these days..I got so bored talking to the phone or else feel so sleepy....so most of the time I shorten the talk...sorry to my friends whom I used to talk for hours and hours.... Hmm have I learnt some diplomacy finally from my near and dear ones? Let’s see for how long I can maintain this...

The Rich God & his patented LADDU!!

Humans are one of the most amazing creature I'm witnessing. I'm no longer surprise with the monuments, no longer enjoying the animal circus show and in fact I enjoy the game going around the globe played and participated by humans only.

Humans make God, they teach how to pray and then they force people how to follow on that blah blah. When I was at home every morning and evening I followed the routine prayer in Lainingthou and Leimarembi and not even a single day I felt that God/goddess and all those prayers are hypocracy. But from a long time I don't even wish to bow my head in front an idol in the big temples in the crowded Delhi which is owned by obssessed followers. In Delhi there is no place to sleep by the beggers and half of the citizen in Delhi spend their life in the footpath but every gali has a temple for the rich to wash their sin.

How I come up with this post is after reading the post in Spicy IP dismissing the PIL filed against patenting "Tirupati laddu" in favour of the commitee who looks after the Tirupati temple. What makes me funny is about all these game of making God, temple, Laddu and then protection of luddu ultimately. Good, we are too advanced now, God also get patent certificate in the coming age and the owner will be donned with monopoly right to earn profits for a given period of time . The most surprising thing which stops me from entering temple is for asking money for praying to the God. I stop entering temples since then we were asked to book ticket and gave 200 bucks per person in the Kamakhya Mandir in Assam. All my friends went in to pray, believing that its a golden opportunity to visit inside the temple by giving 150 bucks after bargaining in the Kamakhya temple but I come back home after abandoning my believe in God and its followers.

What I witness in Delhi is different types of "Homo sapiens". One travel in the luxiourous car, lived in the huge banglow, another group travel in the local commuters and live in a small flat and still managing to take part in the social norms. The last category don't look like human from anywhere. Only thing left is that they have physical similarity in lookwise. They have such a poor state of life, seeing them dogs must be laughing at them. The people here also treat them like dogs and cows only, in fact dogs and cows are more sympathise than those people in footpath.

Seeing the colourful page of Times of India make me felt every morning that Oh! India is such a rich country and full of enjoyment everywhere. And all those big talks of politicians and donations to the poor 3rd world countries like Burma. But at the moment I also remember my poor state made up of probelms with no solutions for so long. The half naked women and men sticking to each other just like lazy spiders to get the trademark of high class society in the page 3 photographs really make me felt pity for them. They won't give a damn of one human leaking their shoes to feed the hunger stomach but you can find them kissing their pocket dogs and cleaning the dog's shit in the TV and reality show.

OMG!! reality show are aweful!!  India's real asset is Rakhi Sawant and the V-grade bollywood heroines. V stands for vulgarity. Every TV chennel own at least one V-grad heroin to sell more TRP. News chennel are more pathetic than reality shows. They repeat the same show if you wish to follow some news. Everyday I checked every news chennel to see if they forecast some news of economic blocked which led to the force fasting of 30 lakhs people in Manipur. But everyday I'm disappointed but still keep checking the news. How much our Home Minister Chidambaram worried about the attack to Sri Sri Ravi Shanker. He gave a live speech regarding the issue and on the spot gave his opinion.

Just keep thinking though it is impossible. Why don't we also hired Rakhi Sawant and do a protest to lift the blocked. I hope for sure the centre will come to a solution with Muviah and end the story. Seeing the present situation what I remember everyday is the story of two cats and one monkey which we study in the primary school. Here the Centre govt. taking the role of Monkey and of course Muviah as a cunning cat who falls into the trap of monkey and other cat who is just weeping without having any defence while his stomach is empty. Ultimately moral of the storey was that monkey was just playing with them and eating thier share of food (roti) taking advantage of their foolishness.

Muviah want to plant a naga inhibited area in the mid of three states and consequences are no longer in the vulnarable state. Centre knows how to handle just cunning cat who can't come out with anything positive so playing the role of monkey while Ibobi is too defenceless this time. He once pop up with one statement of protesting against Muviah's visit to somdal then and now he is lost from the scene. But he is a working hero (m using in sarcastic tone), everybody can see him checking out the developing stage of buildingvof NIT and checking out there. That shows he can never compromise his "thika work". If he stops from where the money will come into his banck account? Thats a bigger concern for him than the rest of the issue.

God, save my home from Monkey & cunning Cat.

Reading!!!

I hate reading but loves writting random thoughts. These days I'm reading one of the most boring books  so that I can have a sound sleep. When I was a kid I used to get Maths book with me in the bed and damn good sleep I used to enjoy!!!

Deprived of sleep from few nights because of filthy issues of others. Problem with me is that I can't keep a double standard secret. Sometime I could not believe my eyes and I become numb seeing the big alphabets written in my email box/phone. After thinking for two days I thought arre bahut hogaya natak abhi..sorde..let them live thier own life and be wise from next time. Then I make a smile and I keep walking in my balcony with a big cup of coffee. What I want to do now is live my own life and draw some lines around me called as distance and discretion from people around me whoever they are and how close they are to me.

There are some relations which no one can replace in one's life but I can't expect them to understand what I felt for those people who's space to me can't be substituted how bad or good they are to others. But looking back to some years back, I realised some  people intentionally/unintentionally ruin some invaluable relations in life without bothering to undersatand the void it has created to me. Sad but not regretted. Life is always a journey for me and they are not my destination. You keep meeting people and leaving people and they are the one whom I left finally and close the door in my life howsoever important we were to each other.

Some people are not selfish, not money minded, not bad at heart but self obssessed and too passionate about their desire in life. That become a reason for them to intrude in some relations and break them into pieces while they tried to form a new relation with the same person. A son's space can't be replace to a mother however his wife may claim she is the most closest person to his life. Similarly some poeple have those relations with me. Niether they are my BF nor we are enjoying flirting with each other. But some simple bonding which we could never avoid of since then we all met in some unknown world but broke into invisble pieces with time remaining nothing now. I also accpet the truth that nothing is there to bring us together. They are too lost now and not in my hand.

I miss my independent life without any boundry with full of madness few years back. But my fault lies in not able to keep a distance and discretion of my personal relations and let  the people enjoy the previledges and later on dump everything on my head. Suddenly these relations wither and erode, remain nothing at my end now. In fact i uprooted myself from where I belong to, for people who owe me just for their purpose in life.

Let it be. That's all I can sing and let this time pass silently from me. With time everything will be wrapped up and I know now whom should I avoid to save myself in future. Life keeps on moving and I wish with time they also move away from me without me telling to move away as I could  no longer have any respect for them now. In fact I'm tired of them and I want them to see life beyond themself and if I keep on nurturing on what they want it's bad for them too....

My best wishes are always there but please don't expect me again that I'm ready to ruin any kind of relations in future because of anyone...finally I learnt it..I know what I did was no worth...when people around you are myopic.
I'll be back soon on my track to persue what I felt to do without any terms & conditions......

Fed UP!!!

I don't want to write anything today BUT I'm too much fed up with everything & everybody around. I think my day was begun in a good note then why I'm banging my own head to other's issue. Sometime writting is the best way to ease out my stress. Not necessarily it has to be a poem, story but any bullshit or crap in my blog FOR myself.. I'm doing that only.
 Well, sometime I feel I don't learn easily from the mistakes and Jatkas* , life has given me so often rather I land to the same trouble and end up with a feeling oh! I'm so stupid feeling why do I mind so much in other's personnel bussiness while I don't even have time to breath for myself.

What do you usaully do to keep trust with a person? Do something look alike "you are cleasing shit of that person and at the end you are left only with shits and sitting over it while they dance on your head.

Well, I have to sit back and tight my belt now. That's the only way I can solve all the problem in my way now. I need a way to escape from all. Just trying to divert my mind to something else like should I go for shooting and swimming in Manesher or should I head to Golden Temple this weekend with my brothers or should I stay in Delhi and watch Rajneeti eating some tasteless popcorn. I might get something out of that..Hmm quite confused..

Something unrelated here again acheing my head.

"waiting for something is what I hate most and I meant it". True, I still remember this words though it is too simple and I hope if he happens to visit my blog he will also remember I'm talking about him only. A qoute of his email I have recieved 9 years back when I run away silently to Delhi and let him wait for 3 hours in the meeting place without informing.

Yes, from the last two weeks I'm waiting for XYZ result of my work but I' ve become so impatient now.