Sunday, November 15, 2015

Beyond those grey lines!!

Beyond those grey lines and beyond many broken dreams, the finest thing I have ever come across in this life is you. When I spend my time alone, when I'm with solitude only, I can not think of anything beyond you. I feel guilty for what I'm and for not loving you with all my heart at times and for dreaming to leave you behind from my life. But that remains in dream only. I could not think a life without you. Best part of our relation is that we have nothing to hide and for being oneself in front of each other. I do not know how far I was in love with you until I saw the other living with so many grey shadows and playing hide and seek in their relation. Only thing I fear was that one day I had to hide something from you so that you can love a person who is not me. Every relation is incomplete, every relation faced the bad times but I'm sure today that I can face anything which will come in our way without a spot of doubt. Many people came and gone in our lives but no one stood by us. No one understand us as a person just like you understand me. What I have dreamt ever in my life is to swim like a little mermaid in your world without any fear. But today I'm rather sinking slowly with my own thought of guilty because at a time I thought of leaving you just because I can't withstand your tantrums. I never tried to see the battlefield in front of you, I never thought I should be there to give you the strength and hold your hands when you were alone in front of everyone. Today, I tried searching for every word that comes in my mind to seek your forgiveness but I could not find any. I left you in pain, I left you alone when you needed me the most. I left you in a time when you need my love, care and hug to make you sleep and forget the pain. I must say I was selfish and weak so I run away from you. Everyday I saw your face with guilt in my heart and this will not last for long. I wanted to love you anew, just as before. I wanted to be as crazy as I'm whenever I see you. I wanted you to be sure of the fact that there is no one who can ever win my heart than you are. I wanted you to be sure that there is nothing which can stop me from loving you more than ever. I'm not saying this just to keep you hold of me but just for myself, just to love you more than I ever do.

I'm writing this not only for you but for us. For a life we would be spending together. I have no words to thank you for so much of love, for trusting me more than yourself, for having faith to me more than I do it to myself. Yes, I'm the luckiest woman ever to be loved by a man like you, thank you for holding my hands and walking with me during the hardest hours of my life. I was a fool and I ask you to forgive this fool for not seeing the love in your eyes, for not feeling the love in those precious hugs. I have no words to seek your forgiveness, but to make you understand that I will love you and only you till the last breath of my life. 

Beyond those grey line, beyond this incompleteness of life, our love will remain the same. I will never let you walk you alone. I will never make you feel alone. That's the promise I will keep with you for this lifetime. 

Sunday, September 20, 2015

The definition of being Good women !!

Finally I have confirmed to myself and stretch myself till the farthest limitation that I could to conclude that I'm tired of being good, perhaps a good woman. My life seems to be more threaten with the men living around me in the form of father, brother, relative and any other relationship than any other terrorist. They only expect me to be a good daughter, sister, girlfriend or whatever but to be a good woman. You can no longer be a peaceful human to become a good woman. When you come back home after working 9 hours in office, travelling for 3 hours in metro, your brothers expect that I should cook and clean the room. Whether they are sitting at home whole day or not, it does not matter. But you have to do it because I'm the woman in the room. I really crushed this generation of mother who made themselves a servant and brought up their sons without a sense of responsibility at the house they are living and to understand the woman they are living or will live whole their life. Time is changed. Woman are changed. Woman are no longer playing one role of cooking, washing clothes and dishes but our men are yet to go for few more generation to catch up with the new generation of woman. They expect to earn good and smart because you can not survive with one man earning economy with so much of demand and live a comfortable life. But when you come back home, you forget everything that the same woman perhaps have spent the same or more number of hours than him in the office or travel. Let it be your father, brother, husband will never ask you if their daughter, sister or wife is tired or they can help them. If you do not do what they expect then you are a selfish you and the home is no longer home. Everything is blamed to a woman but they never thought of giving up their inherent selfish habit of what man should not do.

The world is always cruel. It can not tolerate a woman who is capable of managing their own life, taking their own decision but they do not mind they becoming a major financial contributor in the family. But in their eyes you can never grow beyond their outdated definition of what a good woman should be.

Who wants to welcome you at your room all the time with dusty floors, unwashed dishes, untidy bed ad dirty bathroom. Is all these stuffs are meant for woman only. What really put me numb is my teenage brother whenever they go home started to behave like my mother is their all time servant. Which civilisation has taught that man can not take their plate and wash themselves. I'm totally amazed with the definition of their love for their own mother, sisters which they can not see beyond being their maid to clean their room, bathroom, bed and wash the dishes. At times I felt that why such a foolish relationship for the sake of providing comfort to another while other is totally exploited and suppressed. Even if I'm more capable to do many other other things than any one my male siblings, I will be no where ten years down the line. It is easy to say anything and make any rules of society and family by male dominated world. But living under such expectation, systematic suppression and saving the false pride of man which are inherited from the selfish habit is truly tiring.

Yes, being good and being trustworthy is the most unworthy responsibility. My father has no expectation from his other sons and daughter. At time they called to inform one is having headache, other can not go to bathroom and other is doing this and that. In the whole process no one could even think for a moment that what I want from my own life and little time I get after slogging 9 hours in office and travelling for 3 hours daily in busy metro. At times I feel terrible about myself that no one even asked me once in this lifetime what I wanted to do with my life. It is all about meeting the end of what they want, what they expect and what they want me to do. The day you even spent a hour for yourself, even you sleep even an hour more than they expect then you are no longer a good woman. Their definition is too shallow, its third world definition of woman and I really need to find out a way what I really want to do now and it seems already too late living with so many expectations on me by so many people who could not even understand that I'm a simple human just like them and I too has limit and feel the pain in knees, joints just like anyone of them. I do not need to tell them that I'm a human or super human but it is better to leave them in their own way to treat their own selfishness.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Madness of many dreams !!

Nowadays I'm always dreaming about so many good memories. About love, lost, smile, memories of beautiful people who once was with me and sparkling moments of togetherness. Life never leave me alone without a reason to worry or excitement. Some people has a smooth and boring life in life but I never have a smooth road to get anything in life. Even falling in love cost everything for me. At times I feel that what a waste of emotions and time but I did the same mistakes. And I never learnt and could never become practical about life. Still I'm carried away with this life's roller coaster ride of love, relation, hatred and fear of losing someone close to you. I thought I'm the only one who fears the phobia of losing your love. However, the world love is never too beautiful and exciting without knowing the taste of heartbreak and some drunken nights end up with a missing day celebration. There was a time I missed somebody so much I used to get up in the middle of night just to cry having no other option. I always assume one thing that he must be feeling the same. Some dreams of being with the one whom you adore and admire remain unfulfilled. But they never stop you till today drawing you in their dream where you can rest for a moment forgetting the rest of the world and nagging of so many relations around. 

Some relation are for few moments only. Even if you do not want to end them it slips from your hand and you just could hold those droplets of tears in your hand as their memories. Some relation has no explanation of why we were together when we have nothing to be one. We just met just a stranger, we talk, walk hand in hand but share no dreams. And here comes a day we become no one for each other. Every single moment dies in front of our eyes, we walked away without even looking at each other's eye which hurled so many meanings. Why we made every relation so complicated and why we become such a hypocrite that if you do not gain anything then you can't love someone selflessly? 

In life, I'm never stunned by why one become a beast, a prostitute or a fallen woman as the society named them. But I'm always stunned by the woman who gives a moral judgement to other woman and they think that they can be a queen in a man's heart by selling the dignity of another woman. Giving judgement is so easy but understanding a woman and her broken hearts and dream is something one could never think of doing. Why woman always talked bad things about another woman. Why they feel that they will become good in the eyes of a man if other woman are bad? Being good or bad is not the criteria to be in love. But being true to self and having no double face is the way to win a heart. The other one of the girl was narrating to another that her friend having extra marital affairs and how bad it is. I wonder and pity that one should never have a friend like her who behaves like a parasite and could not be trusted. Where she saw a benefit she started talking about the another being fallen one. What should we call about the person who is taking benefits of people those who are fallen or bad one according to them? People are the scariest thing and I wonder if they know better before speaking about anybody's life. I wonder if she could ever try her friend's broken dreams and shattered moments which led her to involve with another relation out of wedlock. It is easy to make judgement but one should first learn to love and know the joy of being in love, hurt, ignorance and cheat by the one you love. It must be so easy for some woman dreaming that they could trap a man with a tongue twisted conversation but let me tell you the truth. It takes to win both his heart, mind and stomach to be in love and relation. Pleasing someone's ear is easy and some man may prefer to polish their ego by some dumb woman but please ask them once what actually is love to them before you pass your judgement. 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Becoming a woman ?

Life is a big circus where everyone around you tried hard to trap you from every angle in life. If my mind is free then they want me to stop thinking, if my long hairs are playing with the morning breeze then they want them to tight at its base and if you are a woman who wants to live a life of your own, dream and die for your dream only then they call you a selfish lady.

Yes, becoming a woman from a girl is the hardest transformation I have ever achieved. I missed those days walking anywhere I want to reach without a burden and expectation in my head. Life has trap me from every corner. Parents trap me saying that it is my responsibility to provide free food, free education and accommodation AC room in Delhi for my brothers who has no urge to dream and achieve something in life other than sleeping. To fulfil family's dream I cut every dream of my life into pieces to make it bearable. That's not the end. Finding freedom in where you work is impossible, corporate culture is extension of old colonising system, where your senior always make feel guilty of what you are and they make sure to feel that you only deserved what you get, so don't expect more.

Well, the every step of life is challenging and it's never easy to make people understand what kind of person I'm but I never wish to bow my head in front of them to understand me also. It is not my job to tell a man what I expect from a man since I do not want their free shopping in the mall, taking me in their car, expensive gifts etc. Only thing that wonder me till now is that there are some man on earth who do not know the value of the woman who has given a new direction in their life and she made him part of her life but only thing he could thing about it is that she is probably desperate to hang on me. One thing I have learnt from such selfish people is that no one in the world should not be treated unequally. There always come a dog's day and they still walk in the street like a lost dog without anyone to bring them home. Love is powerful and those who gave it selflessly are the most powerful people. One may exploit them, used them and thrown them out of their life but they never live life without a hope. It is always like a season to them and when there is a spring it again blooms like other seasonal flowers.

Becoming a woman was the hardest struggle in my life. It demands to forget myself and love others but it could not be the rule of life. There was a time I hurt myself because someone hurt me so badly that I was left with no courage to move on. I waited every night with my phone walking aimlessly in the trace but there was no end to it. I did not accepted the defeat but I realised that it was not worth. I did not move on but I learn to love myself rather than giving it to someone who would never know the meaning of love by default. The only changes I could bring in my life was that I learn to fall to love myself. I made my choices, rather than people enforcing their choices on. I keep writing in every pieces of paper to find out myself. Now onwards it is never a choice of other how I want to live but of choices to fall in love with one I want to be, to remember those memories which left with a everlasting smile of this lifetime without a bonding. And to live now for myself and him for another journey in life where we could only nurture a life of "ours" without the dream, expectation of how the rest of the world wants to see us. 

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Corporate blue and my wayward siblings !

One thing I always pray in life was that if I was only sister to my elder sister. I never admire having a brother since from the day one my brothers due to discrimination by my grandmother. Seeing my brothers pamper beyond their control was irritating.

I do not know when I will get my freedom back in life. It is losing hope and day by day I have given up in all my dreams. Dream to spend life in home, work only for 4-5 hours, sing and dance just like no one is watching and write the rest of the day. Every night my eyes were in pain and I had to sleep forcefully just to make sure that next day I could go to office. At times I have started thinking that why I'm earning when no one even bother about what I have dream about them and how much sacrifice I have made for them. My brothers have become like a parasite to my family as they grow up. Till today my parents compromise their way of life just because they want to see their sons in good school,college and a successful career. But how easy it is for some people living like a parasite and still blame the others. There was a time my father do not have money to spend in my coaching and I had to say him I could study alone just to make him happy. But here is a pervert son who spent 80k in coaching and almost a lakh in school and then he said he could not study because everyone scolded him. I wish I have the courage to disown them and bring an orphan instead of them. After all who cares about another once they are out of their way. Better option would be that you adopt an orphan and make the life of someone who knows the value of other's life, sacrifice, money and dreams. 

I do not know do they even have a dream apart from taking money from sister and father, day dreaming of becoming someone big as in Rajnikant Movie without studying and doing everything they want to do without any hard work. They would never know it was truly pain in the ass driving cycle for 20 km a day and going school and then reaching Delhi without anyone's support. Again it is a heartburn, when you are made to sacrifice by your parent's blackmailing that your brothers should be made a "big man" so you start working even before I could give the final year exam. I wonder what are they up and what I was thinking in those days. I know it was dreamy, beautiful and full Hindi film family drama. My foot ! A film always based on a terrible mother on torn saree and handsome son with elite class girlfriend, a sacrificing sister doing everything for her brother and finally they abandon them on the roadside. But still the history continue though I'm not in a position that no one could abandon in the roadside. 

But who cares I'm still in the circus of corporate world where I met everyday so many people who holds so many degrees and studied from so many famous institute unlike me but still laugh at the sexist husband-wife jokes and so many sati savitri around to judge our character. Every morning is all about seeing so many frustrated with fake smiles in the metro who can kill each other for a seat. I don't mind seeing them everyday but for what ? The purpose has become very useless when you have all your wayward siblings only mean for your money and support to their perverseness. At times, I wish I had no siblings, apart from the burden and pain, I could never share with them momentd of happiness in life. Whenever I saw their face, I started thinking that they are the reason I'm here in corporate and living with such a shattered dream without having a moment of melancholy and loneliness. 

I have lived for so long with such a dying dreams of getting rid of this corporate blue but still I have to bear for few more years till I could get rid of my own wayward siblings. Only thing I'm doing is for my parents miserable thoughts of giving them a good life but I wonder if they could ever understand about success, hard work, sacrifices in life apart from being nasty, pathetic, and selfish. Now I no longer wonder about their career but rather about their humanity and being a good human who can understand poor, love, affection and sacrifices which a human must have to be able to differentiate from animals. What I do not want them is becoming another frustrating face in metro whose worth of life is just for getting a seat in Delhi metro !

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Struggling with the life's melodrama !

I do not know life is really tough for me and is it the way I look at this life. Everything seems like a failure at times. No one seems around when you really need someone to hug and cry. And it looks so crowded at times, I'm left with nothingness. Is life really good for others who has nothing to worry about money, family, brothers, sisters and parents ? Or is it the nature of human that we always find a problem in our life ? Questions never stops coming at my mind and I always run after the answers which rather thrown me into another illusion of so called happiness. My own stand, ambition and affection seems to have trouble myself and I own willingness to become selfish always end up with a bitter feelings about myself.

I know there is no solution for my brother's careless attitude and my sister's child like nature even at an age when they should be able to stand on their own. I lose my patience and they made me truly crazy but I can not think of living my brother in a situation like Manipur. No one could say anything what will happen tomorrow to any person in Manipur. I do not know whom to blame? They tolerate my tantrums and my anger but at the end of the day I can't leave them at hell though I know they should also come close to the reality of this life. And I know its their duty to know that they can not always depend on me for years but leaving them at this stage is not a solution. It is difficult to find good people who would come to help but there are lots of them who can turn our life to hell in a given minute. My brothers make blunder which drives me crazy but I have seen them making more horrible decision in life whenever we abandon them with our care and family value. I have nothing to gain from whatever I'm doing today and what I always dream is all about my parents always wanted to see their all kids living an independent life without depending on anyone.

Life's melodrama keeps unfolding and it never stops. I have no option but to deal with it. Sometime its boyfriend drama, its brother drama and its my own drama. What else I can do about it. From every side I have to play this melodrama of life. If I don't play well it will unwind me to somewhere I would have no return.

Only thing I need to learn is about more patience and more energy to deal with it. 

Monday, May 11, 2015

The present India !

Nothing is changed so much in India from the time someone knows in the 1800 BC. People are still orthodox, conservative and love to represent themselves as hypocrite. They love cows and cow are in better condition than their own woman. Working in the corporate sometimes makes me feel like I have sold myself. My own principles, dignity and everything. It is the hardest job one could do in their lifetime. At times I missed the childhood spent in the village of Manipur. Swimming in the local pool before school, playing with my friends without a harsh dream of becoming anyone, going school without any dream of working in a mentally torturous environment of corporate and followed by a peaceful sleep. I must say that there is no difference between the corporate culture and old time slavery system. This is not just in one office but it is everywhere in India. I have worked in differences but it is the nature of the office that you have to poke someone even if they are good work because what you have to finally make them another you-inhuman and shameless. Given me an opportunity, without even thinking a moment, I would quit the corporate life and do even a job of a labourer. Being in a demoralising, negative and culture of slavery make me obsessed with my lost freedom. Everyone is so judgemental, everyone is so fake and lifeless. There is nothing they can laugh about apart fron non-veg jokes and there is nothing could discuss about apart from comedy show, big boss and Pakistan. I always thought while growing up that wow both China and Pakistan are obsessed with India but after interacting with so much with my own Indians living and working with me , I thought they have no life and they are truely want to become a Pakistani or Chinese.

They talked about high-Fi words and technology but still the tones of racism could not be freed from their language. But everyone is not bad. There are always good people among so many bad people. Every morning what you made to hear is all about sexist husband-wife jokes. And every terrible man on earth would come up share the most sexist joke about wife nagging him and so on. I wonder what education they have got. And there is no less of item of Sati Savitri also who shares their greatness among such frustrated husbands of others and to prove that how characterless rest of them.

This time one of my colleague who has an excellent qualification from a topmost college and always excel in the job quit it just to spend time with her family and to do what she wants to do. She means doing anything but not the corporate job. I truly appreciate the guts of living such a money making job and saving herself. Everyday at least you won't wake up with the feeling of being sell off tobunch of crooks who counts how many times you go to loo.

Life is too short to even waste time over such a money making job which return you nothing more than proving you a loser. I hope soon my D-DAY will also come. I can just enjoy my day reading, writing, cooking and listening to music. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

Politics of blackmailing !

A mother must be the one who has sacrificed everything for his son. She makes her son eats on her behalf and she is the one who spent uncountable number of sleepless night to see her ailing child. For her, every dream, hope and life involves with her. But do that meant that she could bargain that sacrifice, love, affection and everything with the right to marry the woman she chooses or she wants? This is apply to both the parents on this earth. My only question is that whether this relation of parents and their kid is all about fulfilling their hopes, dreams and expectation ? May be to some extend relationship can be materialistic and it about meeting the needs, hope and dreams of a career, good life but how come it could be about asking your son or daughter to spend/sleep the rest of their life with someone of your choice or someone who will be a stranger to them? I never thought expectation of relationship could be so mean at times ? My parents did everything for us like every parents but they never question my choice of man and my choice to not to have anyone till any stage or any age. This is all about my soul and moral which is particularly my own and can not be corrupted with anybody's expectation and hope. If tomorrow, my parents said that I should marry someone Manipuri just because he is a Manipuri and known to them and his parents are so and so, do I have to sell every value of my life which I earned till now.

Sometime, I'm amazed with the society who claims to have such a traditional family, love, affection and culture do not respect the human emotions which springs the heart of their own kid. It rather looks like a trade not like a human relation when parents started to ask or oppose their kid to marry someone by their choice, their business partner and girl from their society etc. When one has done so much for their own kid then they should also make their son/daughter to live an independent life. That does not mean breaking your family value. And what kin of culture and tradition we are being proud of a society where there is no acceptance of an individual and  no respect of another kind of relation. It rather looks like a mere insecurity, blackmailing and portraying other person as selfish. But the real selfish person is the one who can't enjoy the happiness of their own. If money is everything, if culture is everything then there would not have been so many marriage which end up without a story of love and affection. I had never seen as an option to force somebody to go against their own choice by pulling the relation of parenthood. Every relation should respect the space and choice of another and that will be beauty of even all those sacrifices they made whole their life. Their son and daughter should not be treated as victim of their societal expectation and lead them to a miserable life where they would vow to live with a stranger.

A life without a choice of own and consent is just a burden to survive, actually not living like a true human should do. Life's beauty lies in every mistakes, hurdles, wrongdoings and a better life after the dark phases. When the parents are so sacred of their kid's life and they want to keep a watch even by choosing the woman he should spend his life is a mere case of expectation going out of proportion. No relation could bargain one's dream, hope and consent. It's immoral, undemocratic and insanity on their part.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Seeking an answer !

Why some people are born heartless? What turn them to become so selfish and shallow? Why they even feel that they are punishing the one who has done everything for them by destroying their own life. No one could understand the pain until they are injured and no one will appreciate what others have sacrificed their own life, career, ambition and everything until the sky falls on them. There should be a limit. Now I'm going to draw that limit. You can’t be good all the time when you are insulted and humiliated just because you are good. You can’t love a person any longer when they lost the value of your love and cheated in your emotions. No one is forbidden to choose what they want in their life but if that is at the cost of someone’s life and dignity then they are bound to pay for that. I'm no longer surprised about the science and its invention but about insensible people who are born heartless and shameless. One can be mad and insane but they can’t hurt their own so much that others lived in his pity.
Life was never easy for me from the day I was known to this life. Every stage was a struggle to survive and live a dignified life. It is harder when you are bound to live in a heartless city like Delhi where no one cares about another human when there is no money. I live with a dream to providing the minimum comfort one could give to their parents and a good education to my own siblings, from which I'm not going to gain anything and return anything. I have managed to survive every hardship just with a hope that at least they will make a good career and lead a good life unlike my parents had struggle. But some dreams are meant to be broken when it is attached to someone of your own and they are too selfish to see anything beyond their devastating dreams to destroying himself and rest of us.
Everyone come across the age of teenager. Everyone falls in love. Everyone gone crazy at a phase when someone you love thrown you mercilessly out of their life. But that was never the end and an excuse that you hurt the one who had not lived just thinking that you will live their dreams. One turning back years later and seeking for forgiveness to the one whom you have broken into pieces are not the only solution. Who has not been cheated in life and has not faced the hardship but that doesn't mean that you destroy everything around you. You cheat yourself and your own people. I wonder if turning back the clock of life would be so easy. I wonder I would have lived my own life and never worry about others and I wish I was a selfish and insensible too. May be that would have made them a good human. Giving them everything I had and leaving to live my own life and sharing everything I got was the mistake.
I would accept that the sky is never been blue. It is just an illusion. There is nothing like good people and sibling relations. They are just illusion which bound you for no good reason. Every relations end the moment one forgets to respect the other and one start mocking at others dream and hope. Everything must be easy for today’s kid to throw their tantrums to others and blame others. I'm not sad but rather surprised with the fact the how could someone of my own could be so insensible. How can one still think that they still owe something to me when they destroy every dream of mine? How can they expect that I would stand by their side when cut off every existing bond among us? I wish I can rewind the gone ages, I wish I could be selfish and insensible just like them.  I'm tired of this whole game of relations. I want to walk free without a bond, affection and love. At times it’s better to be a monster among the humans than to be a human among so many monsters.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Broken into pieces !!

You don't need an enemy to really destroy your dreams and broke you into pieces! It's your own siblings, your own relatives and the one you loved more than yourself who would break you into pieces. I'm not exception to this rule. I thought I could build a family where everyone will love each other and respect one's sacrifice and emotions. It is even sometime ashamed of what you see in your own siblings. I always dreamt that I will give them everything I could not get it in my time. Sending them to good school, best coaching centre and good life which I could not afford during my school time due to financial constraints. But I think I lived for so long in illusion. I tried to gather every broken pieces many a times and given them so many chances so that they realised the value of what I have been supporting to them till now. I want my parents to feel proud of each one of us and make them live a peaceful life. 

When my youngest brother scored more than 80% in tenth exam, I was on top of the world. More than my exams, my life, I gave everything to give him the best education. I spent all my earning to them just to see them as an independent person because I know how it is to be someone who have nothing in their life other than empty vessels. I know how does it feel to be hungry and having no money to buy your own food. But with such a shame I have to accept my own failure on every kind of sacrifices, effort and emotions I have invested on them so far. I always feel that they are my life and their success will be just like my own. But My brothers seems to lost their own humanity and I lost my faith on them after breaking me, my parents expectation in pieces. I remember submitting half of my salary every three months in the coaching centre just to provide him the best coaching in Delhi and best school. Now they turn the table and show us the way that it's their life to waste it and make it without even realising how much pain we have suffered for so many ears. It was never been easy financially and mentally to bring up two teenage brothers in Delhi. It need lots of sacrifices , not only my money but my personal life, career, ambitions and many more. What is a human when you forgot to respect the emotions of your own parents and sister. And it is totally ridiculous that at the end of the day they blame their own parents and siblings for their bad temper and scoldings when they broke them into pieces. I can't recall any longer my parents enjoying a movie in a cinema hall, going to theatre and shopping for fun. They sacrifice everything they earn to live just to facilitate them the best education in Delhi and what they return to them is broken dreams and shame in front of everyone. If today's kids are going to behave in this way, it is even better no one should have their own kid. Better they fed those hungry one in the roads and provide education to those who want to live their dreams. 

Today I felt that I failed everything in life after so much of struggle, sacrifices and effort to see their dream to come true. Rather I would have been selfish, enjoy my life watching every weekend movie, buy the clothes from Zara and even throw my salary in a dustbin instead of spending on their education. At least I would have felt better thinking that I didn't do anything for them so they have become like this. What a waste of emotions and years I have invested on them. More than myself, I feel bad for my parents and I feel sorry for them that they sacrificed so much for them. Better they would have enjoyed their life and let them live in footpath, the way they deserved to be. Today I lost all my faith on them, I don't know I could restore that again to them. I don't mind breaking my own expectation and dreams but I can't forgive them for playing to my parents emotions. They have no rights to make them feel guilty of having them as their son. 

I have no grudge to them but only my pity that I could not respect their parent's emotions and they feel that it is so easy to play with them.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

UID and many more :)

What is the big deal about UID ? The corporate idea to map every piece of your body. We already have so many ID proof. Passport, PAN card, driving licence, bank passbook, office ID card and so many. Number of card which lie in my bag is uncountable number. At times, I get really frustrated with the  number of ID card and access card in my bag. There are so many details submitted in the company as Identity proof and address poof but the now the office is after our life to submit UID for link to Provident fund account. What can't it be linked already existing list of ID like PAN card? Why UID only? Just because this was launched as a mafia project to waste hard earned money of tax payers we are forced to have one as compulsory. What about voter ID? Why are we made to stand hours to made voter ID if UID is so important? If UID is so important why all other are not discarded? 

In a week of seven days you spent 12 hours in the road every day for five consecutive days. Other two hours you need time to wash your cloth, watch some movie, meet some friend, talk to your family and if lucky meet your boyfriend or husband. When my brother went home, I didn't even get time to collect gas cylinder as from 7:30 am to 7PM I'm on the road so still you are expected to stand in the line and make one more identity proof. What else we need to do. Till now I could not collect my ATM from bank as I got no time. So living in India is all about having bundle of ID card in your bag and walking with that 12 hours in the road for five days. Life is all about that? Should it be that sad and uninteresting? At times I felt that what would be the difference between prostitution and living a life like a ATM without making a choice of how you wanna live and spent your time. 

I want to write poems, read lots of book, listen to good music, want to sleep like I will die in my sleep only, eat whatever I want without fearing to judgement of my fat tummy, without anyone expecting that I should walking talking ATM. What made me sad is money for any reason. If I have money, I'm sad and if I don't then also I'm sad. At times I want to live in some African Jungle, walk free, you wear whatever you want or wear nothing, there is no boiling of blood because of RSS comment on your dress and character. At last without having option to watch Arnab Goshwami in Times now. 

Living with easy money, earning like a dog for seating nine hours in a close building made me feel like I'm in a cage which I tried to escape many a times. Only scary thing I can dream of is working in the corporate whole life, fattening my tummy, then joining expensive gym to lose weight and finding a suitable bridegroom in the matrimonial market. Nowadays when I walk out outside the tall building of my office I started seeing the woman with bundles of red bangles, Magal sutra, red highlighting sindoor on the forhead  as some products in e-market like flipkart, e-bay, amazon. The way they are so happy with the symbolism of marriage frighten me more than anything. One of my junior asked us why it is always about perfect woman and wife? Why not about man? I said when you put up only plastic photo, smile, your salary slip, property and so on in the matrimonial market then how will you be judged? Just like you judge a mobile, lipstick about its colour, price tag, brand before buying it from flipkart. 

Where have we lost the basic necessity of being human. Once you reach office there are lines of competitive people who think that you are not serious about your work if you are not complaining or you are smiling. Showing no sign of depression and work pressure in office is a bad omen to some people. 

Forgetting everything, what I need the most now is a break. Away from everything including phone, laptop, family, friend, corporate and money! In fact I need myself more than anyone else!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Beyond the borders !!!

Seems like my life is also too much inspired by yash raj movies! Miracles happen I do agree but it is very difficult to hold on to that miracle and still be yours. Believing in what dream is courageous but when it comes to the dream of living with a man you loved beyond the borders, caste, creed and everything then it never become so easy. To be a desi bride itself is something I never wanted in my life, being married and compromising to whatever you believe, dream, live against your principles would be rather like killing half of the life I have lived. Everything is so complicated and never ending procedure and people lacks the simple understanding of being a human and respecting to that emotions. Specially when it comes to the emotions of a woman and their family, why we feel that they are always vulnerable? Everyone has their own daughters but when it comes to daughter's of someone why can't they give the same love and respect they have for their daughter? Isn't the basic common sense of a parent? Why are our elders are so mean and selfish that they could never let their own kids to choose the person they want to spend their life and take the liability on their head. What will happen in future who can predict? In such a short life we live, does it even worth to hurt and insult someone and disrespect one's love and decision, let it be their son or daughter? At times I got very agitated why have to claim whatever they did for their kids in terms of finding their own bride or groom. If the relation of a man and woman is something sacred and special why do not let the person decide on what he feels for the one who will live with him or her. It is astonishing that after years of civilization we still think that it is alright to decide on whom you should marry and sleep for whole life and enforcing one of the dearest son/daughter with a stranger whom they find on the basis of money, caste, colour, creed etc.

Life should not be lived beyond the boundaries of basic humanity. It does not lost anything to the one who has been hurt and insulted, rather it only reflected the nature of the person. I always believe in living with honesty and brutal truths of life. Whether it hurts me many a times or not it hardly matters. Those who thinks they can hurt and look down other person never raise from their own place. I still believe in miracles and its nothing more than the honesty you have earned for so long!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Politics of love and celebration !

Falling in love is the purest form of human emotions. It costs nothing, it asks no value, no religion, no caste. But reality something very different and the freedom to fall in love, to choose a life with the one you love is the costliest thing we face in the real India today. Sometime you are a Manipuri and he is a non-Manipuri, sometimes he is a Hindu, she is a Muslim, sometime it is even more difficult when there is a ban against those who believe in celebration of love. I don't believe in Valentine's day, walking with a rose, holding hands in public, and so on. But if people believe in the celebration of love in a particular day then what is the problem? Simply, valentine's day signify the celebration of love, and there is nothing wrong in those who wants to enjoy the day. The recent threat of an organisation of goons threatening those who celebrates Valentine's day was a threat to each one of us who has a feeling, who celebrates the love. The songs of love, poetry of love, one's courage to accept the human emotions is the biggest challenge we should show now. 

Unlike the old times, politics is always important to us. Today, we live in a very sad era where in a democracy, people won the vote by polarization in the name of religion, people who are working in the corporate feels that they should choose an illiterate to run a stable government, the CEO prays to a tyrant God to sends threat to those against who voice against him. Even our freedom to walk free in whatever cloths we choose, freedom to fall in love is threaten today. To everyone who dreams of a false dream of a stable government and good governance, where these ideology of good things will be applied when the country is broken down into pieces. The whole world will lough at us if we ever complaint of human rights violation. We don not even have right to fall in love, celebrate it and live a life of our own. 

May this Valentine's day be specific, let it be a day marked to challenge who threat each one of us from accepting what we feel, its a question of our basic freedom than anything else!

We must remember that if we don't resist someday we will become the jews in the hands of Hitler! Let it be our songs, poetry, our story or our love, lets protest against the tyrants. 


Saturday, January 31, 2015

The myth of "happily ever after..." !

Many of my friends or lets say so many common man and woman tends to dream for a life of "happily ever after..."! They don't breath completely, they smile charging million dollars, they don't walk out from that myth of living in a time which they would never know whether they will be alive or dead! The myth of living happily ever after is a idea of fooling oneself and at times cheating on own life. Who can be happy in a future time when one can not smile, enjoy and dance in a time when you can eat what you want, you can dance without breaking your bones and muscles, you can roam the world without anyone to stop you. Even if someone comes and stops, we live in an age, era and an attitude that gives a damn to anyone comes between "me & my dreams".

Struggling for life to achieve what you dream, blinding the world to paint what you see and ignoring those noises which will fade away with time is part of life. But why one should stop thinking of living life today, cheat today's dream and prepare for a far future where you don't know where you can be put up?

Best part of my life was living like a child, dream like a little kids without bothering who will think what and what will happen tomorrow. This does not mean I'm not serious about my career, my life, my money etc. Everything will come along with life but I never want to compromise my life just for a myth of "happily ever after..". Many people plan so many horrible distant dreams of living happily while they sacrifice everything they could enjoy today. They become rather frustrated, intolerant and every single smile they saw on others burnt their heart. At times I feel sorry and want to come in their rescue but it is very difficult to make them live today's life, rather they try to consume and eat your brain.

Why everything fails today and how come everything will be so great in future? Nothing is wrong in today and so as in future too. I wonder at times why so much of insecurity and fear in this short span of life we live? One run away from promises just fear of breaking it, one cheats the one who loves them just fear of social ostracization, one never believes in love because they fear a heartbreak. So many questions in life but they are for making our life challenging and beautiful but not for binding us and threatening our survival. There were many dreams of mine shattered like the broken glasses despite my best efforts, there were many whom I love and trusted but left with tears and feeling of hatred. But I never stop walking away and dreaming a new life beyond the shadows of yesterday. Who wants to live a life of yesterday and an outdated dream of the one who could never learn a lesson in love and trust. Life was miserable at times, life could be miserable in any moment but they are not meant to stop living and dreaming. That's what I learnt from this little life I have lived. There were many who came and gone graciously without an expectation and not even without a dream of togetherness but we still live with the memories of smile and laughter. Nothing is costly in life even though we live in such a materialistic world. Trust can be earned and people can be loved without a cost. It just need a heart and a mind to accept a people without any judgement.

Life has been always great to me and my friends are my oxygen to survive. We spend nine hours of a day in a close and suffocating tall buildings of imperialism. I adore each one of them for whatever they are and all of them are courageous, alive and we never negotiate for a laughter, help and for our time. What else we need in life more than this? My life is always happy and happening not because I'm able to achieve what I want and dream, but just for the reason that I don't want to be unhappy for a longer time. Even in those darkest day of our lives, we share our moments of pain amidst those droplets of tears falling helplessly. We never try to wipe each other's tears, we just cry together. What else I will ask more from this life when I have so many of them to cry together and to laugh together till the last breath of our lives.

Lastly and very importantly, many people forgets that marriage is not the end of the world, being single does not imply one is alone and needs sympathy. Sympathy are required by those who lives a lonely life even when they are sleeping with their so called wife/husband. There are many ways one can live happily, the crowd has learnt only one of them, and we have learnt many of them. Even among the corporate elites, there are women and men descended from the era of Raja Harishchandra. Whenever a new girl join, first news which will be circulated is about her age, unmarried or what she is. We talk so much about gender equality, sensitivity and so on but some people goes back to the era where they belong.

Well, life never stops just because others does not want you to live and happy. Whenever I feel unhappy I remember I'm just going to make other people happy. So that's how the life goes on. It is wrong to say that there are no good people. There are lots of good people. I have uncountable numbers of them. And there is no end to a dream of finding the one whom you love and the one who love you with the heart and soul. There will always come a time, it is just a matter of time and above all it is just a matter of having faith and courage to love a person beyond those stigma, fear and lost. Life is always beautiful and it is just about different seasons and we must know what mood we should be in to paint our own dreams in every season the life brings to us. Life could never be alone and out of love when we have so many reasons to be in love million more times...