Saturday, May 19, 2012

An affair with myself!

I wish this thirteen year long of one side affair has come to an end! Do I really wish to leave it now also, I'm not sure about. More I become more possessive about everything I dream about him. Everything I search about him and the meaning, the feeling of joy and lost! Every unknown face I only search for a smile which he won't even recognize himself. He won't even know now how this illusion of me has an impact to my life, my writings and my dreams. Whenever I start doing something what I begin is with a sudden nocturnal visit of him in my mind and the shadow of his smile.

I never wish to be near him, I no longer hope this dream come true. No one hope when you are already into a dream. Everything possible, you get what you want here. I have every kind of soul conversation, sometime I feel the real you does not bother me any longer. 

I really do not know what you may think about my friends giving you the book I have written but I have nothing at end. No message, no invitation. It was just part of my dream which I thought I should do. You have another taboos for me and I'm trying to hide it from so many years but I could not do for so long. 

But what I wish to stop searching for you in every face which come across in my way. I know there is a new world beyond you but how long will it take for me to start with a dream and a new canvas to paint you will never realize in your life.

People said you are a very lucky person because I owe so much to you without even costly "thank you'. But I think people are selfish. They can not own whatever they do as their own, instead of looking for some return. I never expected for a phone call, a formal thank you or a happy ending of this one-sided saga. I called it one sided because I never included you in my own dreams and imaginations. Whatever I have done till now it is my own choice and to satisfy my dreams. There is nothing in fact I can return to you for so much you have given in this life being a subject of my dream and keeping always calm whenever I dream of you. Of course, no one can smile without being so happy from inside, that's you who make me smile everyday. What else I can expect from you? Hope you will enjoy reading my poems or have you disown this bunch of my dreams? 

But I will never forget the day I bought my first diary in school, the day you just come across my way, the day I came to realize the moon was really beautiful! The school, the bus stand would be just another place no one would like to go back  and take a look. Those places are not just another place but I built a memento my of my dreams and hopes. 

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Do You Remember!

Questions are problems of life especially when it has no one to answer or the person for whom the question is raised, is just your imagination such as an I-Man!

My wayward thoughts landed me into many romantic spots of imagination where I fell in love with a man whom I watched it from a limited distance only and later he become just an illusion or a creation of my own! Alas! the feeling is so beautiful and so painful! No one can even guest of falling in love with one's own creative illusion!

But the fact is that the "I-Man" of my life does exist in a superficial form. Sometime I love him madly, sometime I hate him in a cruel manner for his stagnant response and only flesh worn facial expression captured in his old photographs!

Though time flies faster than my memories I have lost all the grudges which protect me so far from being in love with this I-Man. Now I took a U-turn and back to romance with him in a beautiful romantic spot of my heart! Except that this time is without any frustration and expectation! Life taught me to own the one I created and not to give it away, that is my love for him. No longer it belongs to him; it is now part of my breathing and a way to oxygenation to my tired corpse after a long salvation of living this life.

How precious this I-Man in my life even he could not ever find it out unless I reveal him. I never wish to be a writer because they are not as hot as other professionals. I never wish to be a poet because they don't understand the reality. But one day I-Man suddenly come across my way and since that day I did what I hate to be. I bought my first diary to express my feelings about him. I wrote my first poem in Manipuri while I'm studying in my reading room and seeing the moon from the window pane. Wow, I still cherished those days I spent my time with my I-Man in my imagination, playing around the banyan tree in the moon and we started to dance as the moon swings in her rotation. I never recognise what he has given back to me by abandoning this beautiful feelings in my heart. A set of beautiful writings and poems and it rectified me every passing moment of my life to be a person with full of life and love!

How many sleepless night one can owe in this life? how many night you can date with the blue sky adorned with the moon and stars without his thought waking you up in the late night. How would I ever open my diary if he has not come to my life? How would I would ever write a poem from my heart if he possessed it since the day I met him.

How many is of you are as lucky as I'm to be honoured with your first love coming to your home to pick you up and go for a short drive. I break the rules and I wrote the stories in every page of my diary. I was not truly happy and ever smile truly from my heart before he come to my life. Can you ever imagine or paint my crooked smile when he was standing besides me? I was in heaven and can you ever feel the beauty of that moment where your love is sitting in front of you in your gate only and you defied the rule set by all by watching the man you love in your gate only. Aha! I still mesmerise with the thought of him coming again and standing in my doorstep and calling me across to walk away for a short drive.

Well, this is the beginning of my dream and my poems. This is where I originate as a different person since than he made everything as an illusion, but he is so unsuccessful with his own attempt to abandon me so far. He is always in my mind and I always write what an I-Man would do if he was with me. Here, I paint every imagination of him in poems and stories. My diary still witnesses every passing moments I spent with him in my beautiful world and now I owe it as mine.

Though I wish not to take whole credit of his contribution to my writing, I argue myself whether he exist or not after a decade long transformation. I know even the untamed rocks are softened by gentle touch of the water after a decade long struggle. But I'm not sure if he does have a heart and am I successful to tame his egos blended in his blood. Is he still the motionless flesh embedded in a human body without the flow of the blood and emotions? I'm not sure and I'm going day by day trying to know him without a link to reach him.

When my book got realised and won the award I first remember him and thank him for forcing me to write and change the person I'm. Before I closed down the chapter of I-Man and my romance with him in so many unknown places of my world, I wish to convey my regards to him for returning me so much without even receiving the unconditional love I have for him.

Again, I leave it the faith as I no longer believe with human mind and of course his heart is unknown to me. I don't wish to portrayed the love of I-Man as meaningless by expressing to him if he is not the real one. If he is the real one, faith will take it and make him know the fruit of his credit. If faith does not take me there to offer him the credit then he is not the real one and I'm safe in my own world with my own creation or illusion known as I-Man!