Sunday, December 8, 2013

The man in the uniform!

Whole my life I always hated the man in uniform. May be it was the memory and the experience which has been deeply painted in my mind since childhood. When I was a kid mom used to ask to rush back home and live inside the home whenever the military colour huge vehicles stop by our village. Then while growing up, my school bag would be searched every early morning by the patrolling army and they would asked us every morning where are we heading to in their broken Manipuri ascent. In the cold and bitching winter we have to answer with a heavy breath and holding our sweating forehead that we are going for tuition in our school, to a place 11 km away from my home. Sometime they intentionally made us scared while asking questions like in what party we belong to and helplessly & hopelessly we would stand like an accused ready to take any punishment they would give us.

Every morning mom and dad would drop me till the road where my friends used to wait for me to start for our cycle journey till school. Whenever I go home and the voices of honking buses at 3 am would suddenly awake my fear and anxiety of living in those time. I woke up with a haunted fear of losing myself every morning where I had to face the patrolling armies at 4 am and answer their questions. I would always stand with teary eyes beside my friend Santosh who would be standing in a long line of men pulled out from the local bus every morning for body search. After so many years and almost a decade of living in Delhi, after learning the meaning of democracy, learning the law of this land and knowing how much injustice has been done to us as a human and citizen of this country, I can never forgive the state, every silent men and women of this country which colonized not our home but our soul every now and then. Their grief, their malice would surely give a smile to me and those who lost their lives to their silence. What made me broke down and cry every time I visit home is not the sounds of gunshots and bloodshed of state and non state armed groups but how we have become immune to the unnatural death of so many people who lived among us. The very unnatural trait of this phenomenon has been made so natural in our day to day life. It's just part of our life, everyone said.

I could recall the day I was coming back from school with Santosh and Issac and they have been isolated and carried away in a corner to question. I had to stand nearby our cycle holding their bags and praying from inside please God don't let anything happen to my friends. At the same time, I dream many horrible things about myself. What would happen to me, will they kill me too after they killed my friends and apart from that many horrible things even horrible than death which could happen to a girl. Sometime we started living with so much of suspicion among each other. While cycling 3-4 of us together in that tiny road I would be doubting on my own friends in school uniform and asking myself what if anyone of them have been found out as related to some banned organisation and what if we all have been caught. Every morning and night the only haunting dream of my parents were to see me coming back home safely. I never assumed whole my life those men in uniform are human, have a soul, have a body which can been killed, filled with veins carrying the same red colour fluid like in my body. I saw them as bunch of machine gun walking tall and I thought they are sent from another planet everywhere, jumping like the scary animals in some jungles with their thorny hats till the time I listen to the human behind that uniform.

The space I have always avoided whole my life was being interacted with man in uniform. I even avoid my friends husband or boyfriend who joined the institution of uniform and defense. I always hated that it's a place where human machine are manufactured, human robots are preserved. I makes me more annoyed was stupid foolish women going gaga over the man in uniform rather knowing the politics of this institution and uniform. One of my colleague said girls go crazy with man in uniform and  I won't be surprised if my fiancee said one day that he slept with a woman. You know girls are crazy about them. I just said hmm and said it depends, first we have to check whether they are really human. Then she got what I mean to say and never start that topic in the lunch table. I literally hate this kind of corporate women without a brain except they know is how to use computer and of course whatsapp or whatsass!!

But life gets you different lesson. It was the episode of Dhantewalla in 2010 which shocked me seeing 76 dead bodies of CRPF people lining up on the road, most of them belonging to the remote villages of UP and for the first time I shed some tears for those man in uniform while seeing their family crying in the tv news, their mud house, their old parents and half naked kids. That was the time I started knowing the double facets of victim-hood. Now also I do not want to believe that they join the force because they aggressively love their country and they know what is the meaning of nationalism. I was not crying for that made-to-believe machine in the uniform but of the man behind that uniform made up of blood and flesh and who has been killed as pawn in the war for nothingness but for the benefits of corporate and politicians. Let it be state or non-state armed people both the category belong to poorest of the poor group or middle class family who either fight for an empty stomach which has been kicked mercilessly or a family who eats basic non-nutritional food but dream of a comfortable life of a live-able home, a car, a family, a happy wife with a pride. Both the group do not belong to the dynasty of Gandhi, kings or whatever. I will not go to the question of nationalism and love of this country. Till now that's not even in my illusion, I can't understand whole my life and I hate aggressive campaign of nationalism by the upper caste people in this country and I do not believe in the existence of their nation excluding the poor, north east, kashmir, tribals, dalits, beggars and women at large and without those who die without knowing a life they have been gifted with this life.

Then here I met some snobbish type of girls in an institution and told me I really like that army guy. He is too smart and dress so well. That's the first time I got so offended about what someone I like. I was like no way what the hell I was doing from last one year. I need to get over and run away from what I'm thinking and shared what I felt to my close friend saying I'm so shattered. But it was after giving some thoughts I initiated to have a conversation with that man in the uniform. What makes me more vulnerable was knowing the very human, filled with blood and flesh, insecurity and loved of his own life and unlimited dream like anyone of us. May be knowing him helps me to break every piece of my hatred and instead I'm more able to understand and blamed the politics, institution and rules set against their willingness.

But I'm still left with the illusion that whether those girls who were going gaga over him was really ready to feel that human behind that uniform, feel the pain of that man in uniform whenever he leaves for his operation in a dense jungle when he know that he is fighting for an unknown enemy created out of nothingness and at the same time he can not do anything against the institution, system and the rules of military law. I do not know really how love, affection and attraction has been defined by the women of this era, by their computerized brain and whatsapp addicted heart??

 As far as I know them I don't think any of them seems to reads politics of Maoist, Army, CRPF, Dams, minerals-mines, patents, corporate, border and the very man in uniform who they have been going gaga. I could not even see the anxiety in the eyes of that woman to understand the fear in his eyes of his life, dream and a willingness to be like anyone of us to live a safe life. What made me really annoyed and irritated was what they saw in him. A brave machine with six peck, high-tech mobiles, his personalized vehicle waiting outside the institution to escort him, his short and smart hair cut, his biceps and his cleanly ironed dress, but in all the above description, there have not mentioned anything related to his being a human, that willingness to be loved, cared, blood, flesh, insecurity, pain, fear and dream! Or may be they are just wanting a prospective body they can perfectly advertised to the world. What the world believes, the brave soldier!! But what I know was different, he is just fragile, insecure, love his life, dream like us, feel the pain just like anyone of us, has the tear-ducts and it is not the politics of his uniform all I know but the human behind that uniform and only thing I hated were what all those women like to own and love, apart from his soul, all I hated was that uniform which made him look like undead and immortal to those girls!!!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Malice of a lover!!

I thought I have learned enough to live this life with full recipe of how to protect my own emotions and to be happy all the time. But there is nothing like you will be happy all the time. In fact  that sounds to boring and deadly for me. Some moments of pain, shattered and making you feel you almost lose yourself is something push you ahead in life. Also I rather learn how to understand the deepest meaning of love and who could be the one for whom I should even give myself only when I feel so much of pain because of a malice of a lover and a friends. No one truly wants your sparkling smiles, let it be your lover, let it be your friend howsoever close he or she is. And truly it's a human psychology. What I love most about this life is that something is always changing and moving ahead every now and then.Nothing is permanent and everything is so exciting. It does not give the feelings of wearing the same old clothe and same old honey money talks. I'm someone who brutally loves to be honest and who brutally hurts everyone around me including my own parents saying what don't want them to be interfered in my own life. So this rule applies to everyone. I guess, sometime I hurt people with such a straightforward approach but I always believe they later on learn to understand what I want from my life and what line I want to draw between us.

This birthday was a very special one especially because I was free on my own birthday and not having any exam. This is the only birthday where I was living with very special emotions of being in love with the one I have dream of for a year, having that keys in my hand of my own flat and being so positive for the first time. Everything looks so beautiful for a while and I know something sooner or later will come to test me again whether I really stood by where I'm now. A bigger challenge and a bigger change in my emotions. And of course it happened. Even before I'm not able to sink into the emotions of falling in love with a guy I dream of, he suddenly has to break the bad news and of course good news for himself. What not I have done for a whole night. Spent a cocktail night with friend, talked to every good friend, every pathetic person on the earth to know what I'm thinking and what is in my mind. That's very funny part of me. Because when I choose to take decision unlike any other person, pursue a life of my own believing on the set rule of my own, why the hell I had gone to that extend to listen to the pathetic suggestions of those who can't even take a stand on their own and living a life which I can not dream of myself. I would be lying if I say I never feel lonely, I never wanted to be with the man of my dream but that does not again mean that I should keep all the time in a vulnerable position that anyone can come and hurt me.

There is nothing good or bad about this life. Except thing we could do is doing what makes us feel good. I was suffocated from a day when he almost compare with a fruit that he no longer wants to eat and I was feeling terrible of my own position and saying to myself Oh God he took me in that way!!! Sometime it's is terrible and pathetic to feel terrible about yourself but one should always cross check instead of pulling down oneself whether it is worth or not to own such comparison and such position one has put you in his life. I know love is terrible and difficult but I'm more fond of love's unconditional stand and honesty. May be I'm losing that thing to so soon or may be I'm right now standing on a terrible shoes and may be I just need to get rid of it. So I just spoke to my college friends and just asked them to catch up with me in the one of the most peaceful place-among the books and spent the wonderful time with ginger tea and lots of sandwich. Before paying the bill I just said, hey I'm beginning a new episode of my life and I have learnt a new lesson in life today so let it be called as a break-up party and let me pay the bill. What love about my friend was that so many of them are frantically calling me, engaging me and asking me where I'm and what I'm doing all the time. Everyone of them just hate to see a serious, moody and non-smiling face of mine and making every possible effort to restore every piece of smile on my face. Sometime I can't imagine a life without all of them. Missed terribly Shreema who would listen patiently every piece of my narration and absorb to herself just to make me feel lighter. Suddenly she has to leave for Philippines and we are not in touch somehow when I spend the difficult one day of this year. Linda already made the cocktail plan in the midnight, Rohit keep on calling just to make sure that I'm alright even though he was busy with his exam, Neha and Akriti were tapping me every now and then just to let out everything in my mind, Lanleima is making call and messaging me every now and then even compromising her court time. Not to forget Vijay skipping his lunch time and talking to me almost an hour and Prabha reminding me I'm not what I'm feeling now and it will be just momentary.
 I don't know to whom I should thank of this life and for so many friends who would do anything to bring the smiles on my face. Once I changed to a new dress which my friends gave me as a birthday gift and I always kept to wear when he will be here in Delhi, I suddenly change everything in my mind. I adore myself with the best thing I had today. The new make up kits, the new dress, the new shoes. And I said I did not buy this to make others pleasant but to make myself feel good and look good. Once I step out from home and catch up with my friends in the small corner of the Oxford library with so many interesting books and discussing about my all time favorite politics, Arundhati Roy, insurgency, Maoist, CRPF and north-east, Kashmir, corporate I truely feel powerful and all that pathetic and pitiful feeling seems to have drained away at bay. I thought the library was almost filled with our debate, laughter and full of positive energy. Moreover no one was judging on other though we all have different opinion about our life, politics and parties. I thought how terrible humans are, we never acknowledge the love and affection of so many people around us but we literally run after the one who would bring the pain and malice in your life. With a smile I cam e back home and I know I'm writing all the bullshits out here in my blog but this is really making me feel awesome.

Above all this night I'm again falling in love with the person I'm, again I'm that person who sets her own rule, always believe in smiling even in pathetic situation in life, disbelieve in anti ageing cream for looking alive and kicking and finally I regain I idea of falling in love again even after I thought he will took away everything I had and left me without a hope.

I know I choose the most difficult path in my life to follow my heart unlike other, without even a spot of doubt then I should no longer fear the malice, pain, sadness and moments of breaking down into pieces when it comes to falling in love with the one dream of, though I just have to be careful of the proviso that, unless the person don't have enough respect and can't maintain the dignity of my own stand, rather started thinking that I'm just an easy piece to get rid of, I should be just leaving at that moment only. There is no time in life to own one's opinion in my life.What one holds as his/her opinion about me is the reflection of the socialization they have been brought up. I'm no one to correct them and make them a better person. The one who does not deserve a space should never be wasted with a space in your life or even in your room.