Saturday, July 27, 2013

They will always be my inspiration!

It was on my last year Birthday, Sanahal wrote in my Facebook page that Sister God bless you and you are always in our prayer! That makes me shed two-three drops of tear. Ravichandra, Sanahal, Gaichuilung and Romeo are the boys in the first batch students belonging to a family of financially weaker section, which a virtual group used to support. Everyone deserves a credit for those fights, energy and time spent though I'm no longer in the group due to personal choice and differences. Sometime involving a good project is important and at the sometime saving one's dignity is rather more important. Well, leave that aside. 

Though I hardly respond to their Facebook message and request to meet them in Delhi, I do love them even as my own brother till today. Still remember the first meeting in Imphal, their innocent face and with no confidence as if they have no share in this world. With time they gain their confidence, live their own life now and it make me laugh when they wrote about their love and so many things in Facebook. I thought for a moment, they are inspiration to my life. For the rest of them, I hardly know about their family background but I'm too much attached to Ravi and his elder sister. It's not just my sympathy but of being someone so courageous and their will to fight the odds defeating every attempt of this cruel life. It was just near his class XI exam, Ravi lost his mother to cancer and he would randomly give me miss call and he was so frightened of seeing his own mother with so much of suffering. He would narrate me slowly like Ema was vomiting blood yesterday night and I had nothing say but just holding my tears and consoling him that she will be fine. We both knew that she will never be fine at that time but only thing which hold me so grounded all the time is that there are people for whom I can at least wipe their tears. I don't dream too big and make it too loud just as a noise but even giving a hope to one person that there is so much in this life is enough for me to live this life with eternity. 

Why do I have lots of conflict of interest with rest of the guy is that I wanted to help people not because I'm capable of showing sympathy, have money to help them but of because I have also lived and come across similar stages in my childhood. I don't want anybody to face it and don't want some bright student losing their life because of poverty. But finally, I do realized that I don't need a bunch of people too to help others. That's an example my friend Shreema really does. She never talked about her work and her achievements, except to me and few close friends because we discussed about what could be the best. 

I have not gone through a phase of life Ravi had experienced but I too had suffered many unwanted experiences in life, starting from living in a joint family with bunch of selfish aunties, my father being only the sole earner and my mother being the only victim as usual in any Indian lower middle class family. Like these four boys, our aim of education was different from the rest of the elite brats. We sacrificed everything for our education and that's the only path we saw to escape from potholes of poverty. My fear was more of losing my independence when I grew up as a woman and asking money from a man for doing/buying something I want. My mother is another reason I wanted to grow up soon, earn for myself and live with my own income. I set the target always and promise to myself that I will not take money from anyone once I reach the age of 24 Yrs. Just after M.Sc I decided to take up a job and do whatever I want though I sometime regretted for not continuing Ph.D or M.Phill. Then I'm much satisfied when I looked back and start thinking what would have happened to my brothers if I'm still stuck with a Ph.D? They would have been among those unfortunate kids from my locality who have been recruited or sold off (whatever it is) to some groups.  

I do not know why I'm feeling so nostalgic today of the hard time I have gone through and of those people who are inspirations in my life. Apart from my parents, people who have given me so much of support are my teachers at every stages and they are the reason for me to change from one step to another better steps in life. They are reason which I thought of giving back and even dedicating my time once to Ravi and his friends. 

Can't forget whole my life, of those beautiful people I have come across as my teachers in Khuman Maheikol especially Sir Ajit, for so much of affection and dedication he has shown to me. I still recalled that beautiful day when Sir came to my house bringing sweets to congratulate me when I came first in the state level GK and aptitude test and seeing my own photo next day in that small column in a newspaper. Throughout my school days, I used to paste it in front of my reading table and will lost into that moment. It was not about money but it was too huge at that time even getting a prize of Rs.2000 and how excited I was. That was the beginning and after that was a pleasant ride with so many teachers around me to support whenever I need them.  

After high school, I had another memorable journey in Little Master, another wonderful teacher cum founder of the school and his family being my support system. My parents sometime wonder of the fact that how come so many of your teachers have so much of affection to you when you are so arrogant and stubborn at home? It has been more than a decade that I passed out from schools but my school teachers came to bless me in the book release in Imphal and they proudly introduced me to their friends that she was one of the best student we ever had then my parents show me a question mark in their face ;). Not to forget my Physics and Chemistry teacher. In my school time, scoring the highest mark in every chemistry unit test was never been a surprise to anyone in the class and to my favorite teacher Sir Punya. I'm so proud of him as he is one of the most renowned Chemistry teacher in Manipur and founder of one of the best school too. I think at that time I was too possessive of chemistry as a subject whether I read other subject or not I was master in Chemistry sometime even solving the questions given in other textbook :). No one was surprised too when I didn't appear for any medical/engineering entrance and for coming directly too Delhi to pursue my graduation in Chemistry and then it's the university which kills all my interest in the subject making it the most useless subject I could have ever chosen to study. Lethargic professors, biased on their own choice of students, politics among them discourage us so much that I did not even think twice of returning to the faculty. But I had the most wonderful time, not to forget to mention- of my additional degree in the Law faculty. I enrolled for the course as I thought I will continue my career as a patent attorney but by the time I finished the course I set for a different plan. And now I'm in love with another subject that's Law but I still catch up with chemistry as a part of my job in the company and I do get excited whenever I have to deal with those numbers in the periodic table.  

And I wonder why I'm writing all these now? For no reason but just to sit down and start reading before it's too late and trying to back into those beautiful time to grasp some inspiration from the forgone days and from the people who had shown me so much of faith, support, love and hope towards me!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

My writing and personal life?

There are people who could be included among the seven wonders! For the fact that they wish me luck to get over of my hang over in love of a old relationship, of a guy for whom I brutally hurt myself! That's really funny but I do not want to laugh in that but find rather stupid because if every writer in the world is writing something about their own personal life then I don't know what happen to Arundhati Roy which made her right God of Small things, what about Mahasweta Devi writing the breast stories? Well I do understand being unmarried of my age, people must be thinking I'm still in hang over for a long lost lover but the fact is that I'm not that mad about a man though I'm mad about love. Love is constant but not the man!

There are million love stories, million heart breaks too so I can write anything whichever I'm influenced to write but people started questioning like oh you got so angry with your guy! My goodness, that's something beyond my expectation! Why don't they understand one simple thing that I would not be writing if I'm a bonded labour in a relationship, that also in the middle of the night!

Three years back, in 2009 when we started writing poetry and was regularly updating in the blog, one of the unknown guy commented to Shreema's poem as she must be a prostitute because the poem talks about the sexual freedom a woman demanded from her life. We got so pissed off and angry but Shreema said that people are really instigated and made to think of what we write and that's a positive thing about our writing. Well, now I will have to think in the similar line. I would rather be so happy writing another Romeo-Juliet and people saying that poor girl has been left by her boyfriend of years so she is writing such a painful novel.

But in reality, I'm the most fun loving person in the world, could gel with girl in her teenage to a woman in 40's too. I'm blessed with one thing that people trust me with their heart and they share their painful moments in life that they don't even share with their own family. I have due respect for all of them and I feel that all their experiences is something I owe to them, so I do write. I would request please stop guessing about what I'm writing, just read and enjoy, that's the best option as there is nothing one can extract from my writing and nothing is related to my personal life!

Preparations !!

Everything seems to settle down and now I got so much of time after office to do what I want but for the last few months after the LLB exam I have been doing nothing but just wasting so much of time. Neither I'm writing nor I'm studying and I'm freaking out because of this! Sometime I asked myself why I'm wasting so much of time when this phase is the most crucial time for me and I wonder as I could not find any answer. Thought of joining for gym or dance classes to keep myself bit engage then I thought it would waste my time, better I concentrate on writing or study so I quit but now I'm doing nothing except sleeping 8 hrs every day and getting up late and reaching office late and coming back late :(  .

Truly I'm saddened by my own indiscipline nature. Want to get back on track and zeal that I used to have when I was in school. Waking up at 4am, cycling till Shamorou for 11 km every morning and coming back and studying till 11pm in the night and Mom sleeping in the sofa every night while waiting me to sleep. The best memory was the most relief face and hope I saw in my parents face when I was mad with my study, career and zeal to get out of the pit of poverty at childhood. Now I lack all that enthusiasm and I also know where I'm wasting my time. Huh! Giving importance to some crap and useless task! Well need not to define I feel ashamed of saying that I'm spending so much of time in so many useless task in a day!

Well, it was the first step, I deleted my account in Facebook, started to sit down and making an ambiance where I could remember of nothing but writing, writing, and studying!

I'm wishing a great luck for tomorrow morning!

Thursday, July 18, 2013


The monsoon never break her seasonal visit! The muddy roads to my home, the overflowing pond in my courtyard, those tiny insects playing hide and seek and the wayward July rain quarreling on the tin roof of my house, everything drag me mercilessly into a moment of that last exchange! In every Monsoon, in every July, I counted for my lucky day, whispering on my prayers of decade old, anticipating another sudden visit, just happened in that gone July! Unlike the monsoon, unlike the July rain, you disrupted the seasonal flow and never to return!

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Yellow pages!!

At my own disposal like a priest of the holy place, I turned to every page of an old diary, attempting to re-write of nothingness!! Some words still long for the untraceable memory, some are just erased significantly!!

That comes from a long way, that moment of eternity, that memory of foregone nights, that yellow pages of an old diary, I still tend to tear it off like worn out cloths, shed it away without a mercy, like you did, like you walk away, without even leaving behind trace of your footsteps!!!


Nothing was yours, nothing was mine
I'm just asking, lets get lost
Everyone is hiding or sleeping 
It rains today 
Saving us from the peeping stars