Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Malady of this land!

Years before I wrote my poem "Between two flags"  which is appreciated by many people but till today, the conflict of emotions about this country is not solved within myself. Lived in this land, expose to it's culture, met few good people though number of worst people are more, lost everything I have with myself about the home I belong, except a heart which beats for it but I'm still amazed with my own feelings of this country.

When my friends talked so much in love with the country they live, I wanted to know how was it?? When the group of people branded the hatred of this country, I also wish to feel the same. Their emotions whether good or bad, love or hate with this country seems very clear so they know what they should do. If I'm asked am I nationalist? Surely, I'm going to say a big "NO". I can not promote a country which has been so divided between the religion, poor and rich, from valley to hills, from Aryans to mongoloids, where the parents itself differentiated their own kids, taught their sons to be a lion and daughters to be a lamb.

On the other hand, it's so disappointing when people live with so much of distrust with each other and so much of hypocrisy. Those who criticize the system which exploits the poor, minority and voice against for the suppressed group are called leftist or anti-Indian, while those whose hollows and selfishness branded themselves as a true citizen or savior of this country. Have the people of this country at least have a little sympathy for each other, there won't be any problem today in Kashmir, North-East or Moist. What the upper/urban people today care is of their internet bill, their electricity, their water, have they ever thought from where they are generated and how many of poor people have been displaced to get them what they want. How selfish it is for a people of this country to think that India is for them and for those who sings the national anthem in an ac room and shout in the road against those who raise their voice. Their fear it's not from the speech of those who raise the voice, they fear of sharing the roof, sharing the resources and living together.

Everyone pray Indian Army, CRPF like hero and God, I won't deny their heroism and sacrifices for their country and people excluding people in NE, Kashmir, Chhattisgarh and Adivasis but do they even think twice who are they fighting with, a people like them, another facet of victimhood? Arundhati Roy righttly pointed out that CRPF are not only the victim of Maoist but also of the system and politicians. I wish in the coming decades and centuary our common people understand such dialogue and analyse her statement to save a country which is slowly militarising, where half of the population has been sent to a gun fight, let it state or non-state, instead of calling her anti-India. What she dream is nothing different from anyone of us, an India inclusive of  poor, rich, mongloids, Aryans and of any religion and caste, not just a land of Hindu where Muslim/dalits/minorities are killed in stage riots/fake encounters and a land only for smart phone users and those whose patriotism is all about singing the national anthem, raging a war for boundary.  If the people of this country truely a love their country, they would not have such an abusing character and abuse the the people who are belong to different horizon. What they love is an imagination India which ends in Kashmir towards Pakistan, Arunachal towards China, Manipur towards Myanmar. Have the govt ever thought of an inclusive policy which embraces the people at one point. Every 3rd person in this country abuse a north eastern, abuse the muslims, abuse the kashmiris, Dalit, hill people, poor as if they are from different planet. I wonder how many of them are Indian and who are Indians when among themselves, they divided into pieces by their own caste?

By saying so, I could not hate this country. Once in the last February, in an informal discussion in the class, I blasted at everyone asking do they know in which states where republic day, 15th August has been celebrated without a bomb blast, general strike and above all with people feeling that true emotions of their country? Everyone after that class branded me as anti-Indian. One even said she should not address us as Indian and Indian. I made the mistake by even saying all those chaps, who can not even have an ear for a discussion and can't even see the emotions in my face rather their preconceived notions of northeast and Kashmiris dreaming of separation and being an anti-Indian because I criticise them and the policy & governance which benefits them only, a life exclusive of our right to live a citizen of this country. But I wish I could clarify to them neither I'm a congressman nor BJP, nor an pro-insurgents, nor a pro-Maoist nor pro govt. But only a simple citizen who is against any kind of killing whether it by Maoist, police, army or CRFP. What I have always dreamt of and many like me in the North East, Kashmir and those disturbed areas was a peaceful sleep without a fear whether any bobm blast or gunfight might happen and above al living with a fear & anxiety of whether our parents, sisters, brother would come safely or not?? A sense of living truly and peacefully just like other citizens of this country. I wish they could ever feel our heartbeat and sense the fear whenever we heart about a bomb blast in Imphal or anywhere in Manipur. So far we only pray to a non-existent almighty that no one hurts but beyond that God please save my father, mother, brother and sister. We become selfish even in our prayer, we say hope our near and dear one is not suffered. I wish someone explain me whether I should love this country or hate this country? But I do both and I'm very much in trouble unlike them who hate this country or love this country.

I could not wish saying let this country go to hell, I could not also say that this country is a safe haven. More than the govt, politicians, I'm annoyed with the attitude of people of this mainland India. Their unwillingness to listen to others, their ego to hurt those who are unlike them, trading themselves as only India who are saviours/rulers but rest as their colonised people. I don't know how was it like being ruled by the British for more than two centuary but I assume that it must so humiliating and insulting to live under a colonised rule so the freedom fighters even lend their life to free India at those time. But for us more difficult is to be colonised by a less rationalised, less educated, less civilised society where people have their ear for non-veg jokes and comedy circus only. Sometime I wish British was a much nicer coloniser than India it is today to her own people.

We still don't think that killing is killing whether it is by army or terrorist. We still think that state gunman are patriots and those who raise a voice and fight are separatist. May be with time, even the definition of the terrorist need to be defined where the system has brutally hurt every one of us and forcing us with only one option! 

Legality of section 377, the menace of the Indian Society!

Only thing allowed in Indian Society is hypocrisy! The much respected, the highest court of the Republic of India has proved it today with their verdict against the homosexuality. This is one of the saddest day and black mark in the human rights of homosexual. Nothing about human’s desire and orientation has been considered and one’s freedom to choose with whom they want to live their life has been declared as criminal. Nothing could be more upsetting than this. My sympathy goes to all my gay friends and I condemn such a society, law and the people who support violation of basic human rights of some sections of people in the society.
I really wonder what reasons has been given by the apex court to come to this decision. Is it something based on some holy books of Hindu, Muslim, Christain etc, which itself is so inhuman towards the women, weaker section of the society, to the poor? The holiest book, tradition, religion which created the untouchables, caste and creed and differentiated the human by colours should be burnt away by now. What is unnatural or natural?  With reference to what type of sexual relations between two consensual adults will decide that gay sex is illegal? So do the highly respected judges believe like those of RSS, Baba Ramdev and Bajrang Dal groups that gay sex is a disease and it’s spreading to the other person? This is beyond the understanding of a prudent man, not that of RSS sainik or Baba Ramdev followers? Have the apex court truly concern and heard the opinion of the gay and lesbians before taking any such judgement? How come the constitution’s article 14 will be exclusively deny to the gay and lesbian just because their sexual orientation is different and we are too narrow minded to accept one’s wish to live their life? What due process of law the SC is going to used in order to curve the very basic right of two adult having a consensual sex or having a relation? If this is the verdict of the highest court of this country, there is nothing we could hope for any good outcome in this country. They have set a blind eye to the people belonging to so many sections of this country, to the people of North-East, Kashmiris, Dalits, Adivasis and now again to the homosexuals.
Is the SC going to instruct to create special force to fight the gay or lesbians, like CoBRA battalion who has been created to kill the Maoist and to install industry in the hills and jungles? Or is it going to be direct recruitment from Baba Ramdev’s Ashram, RSS Sianiks and Bajrang Dal?? Or in order to maintain the image of being the most peace loving and largest democratic country in the world, the alternative way has been arranged- like deporting all the gay and lesbians to some island called dramatically called Sutter Island, where they will be disconnected or shut down to interact with rest of the world? Or is there plan to create an acid chamber just like Hitler did in an era to finish the Jews or in the most possible way, have the Union of India have entered a contract with the Baba Ramdev Ashram to treat the gay or lesbian, which the man in saffron has claimed to have treated earlier terming the gay and lesbian an infection?

So sadistic and so pathetic!! I will not be surprised any longer if tomorrow the apex court declared that we should walk by our head but not by our foot because it’s unnatural. Nothing is logical and scientific. This terrible judgement is reflection of how they have also socialised and how much their decision making capacity has been affected by their own narrow minded brought up! I can’t understand how other type of human are so inhuman towards another human just based on their caste, sexual orientation and religion? How come such judgement can be passed in a country which boasts as a largest democracy? It’s truly a blot, shame and barbaric verdict ever happened in the history of this country. Even keeping the section 377 in the chapter of sexual offence in the Indian Penal Code itself is the biggest mistake and the most surprising thing is that even after question has been raised, moral ground has been put against the human right violation of section of a people; such verdict by the apex is totally unacceptable. Moreover the fucking politicians like Sushil Kumar Shinde and Kapil Sibal are commenting that is the verdict of the highest court so they are bound to obey it!! Wow!! This is truly a wow moment? When did the politicians have obeyed to the rule set by the SC or any judgement of the HC in a state? For that matter, how come the cultural of untouchability, caste discrimination, dowry system, honour killing, and extra-judicial killing in Kashmir, North-east, and Chhattisgarh in the name of militancy, naxalism and insurgency has not been solved by the politicians? This whole system of politics, judgement, verdict and highest court is becoming a joke day by day. One should not be surprised if next time rape is happened to a woman, such verdict may come up saying that the woman made him so aroused so he was not able to resist but has to rape her!!!

This is happening in 21st century and this can happen only in India, nowhere else! This is Incredible India!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

The man in the uniform!

Whole my life I always hated the man in uniform. May be it was the memory and the experience which has been deeply painted in my mind since childhood. When I was a kid mom used to ask to rush back home and live inside the home whenever the military colour huge vehicles stop by our village. Then while growing up, my school bag would be searched every early morning by the patrolling army and they would asked us every morning where are we heading to in their broken Manipuri ascent. In the cold and bitching winter we have to answer with a heavy breath and holding our sweating forehead that we are going for tuition in our school, to a place 11 km away from my home. Sometime they intentionally made us scared while asking questions like in what party we belong to and helplessly & hopelessly we would stand like an accused ready to take any punishment they would give us.

Every morning mom and dad would drop me till the road where my friends used to wait for me to start for our cycle journey till school. Whenever I go home and the voices of honking buses at 3 am would suddenly awake my fear and anxiety of living in those time. I woke up with a haunted fear of losing myself every morning where I had to face the patrolling armies at 4 am and answer their questions. I would always stand with teary eyes beside my friend Santosh who would be standing in a long line of men pulled out from the local bus every morning for body search. After so many years and almost a decade of living in Delhi, after learning the meaning of democracy, learning the law of this land and knowing how much injustice has been done to us as a human and citizen of this country, I can never forgive the state, every silent men and women of this country which colonized not our home but our soul every now and then. Their grief, their malice would surely give a smile to me and those who lost their lives to their silence. What made me broke down and cry every time I visit home is not the sounds of gunshots and bloodshed of state and non state armed groups but how we have become immune to the unnatural death of so many people who lived among us. The very unnatural trait of this phenomenon has been made so natural in our day to day life. It's just part of our life, everyone said.

I could recall the day I was coming back from school with Santosh and Issac and they have been isolated and carried away in a corner to question. I had to stand nearby our cycle holding their bags and praying from inside please God don't let anything happen to my friends. At the same time, I dream many horrible things about myself. What would happen to me, will they kill me too after they killed my friends and apart from that many horrible things even horrible than death which could happen to a girl. Sometime we started living with so much of suspicion among each other. While cycling 3-4 of us together in that tiny road I would be doubting on my own friends in school uniform and asking myself what if anyone of them have been found out as related to some banned organisation and what if we all have been caught. Every morning and night the only haunting dream of my parents were to see me coming back home safely. I never assumed whole my life those men in uniform are human, have a soul, have a body which can been killed, filled with veins carrying the same red colour fluid like in my body. I saw them as bunch of machine gun walking tall and I thought they are sent from another planet everywhere, jumping like the scary animals in some jungles with their thorny hats till the time I listen to the human behind that uniform.

The space I have always avoided whole my life was being interacted with man in uniform. I even avoid my friends husband or boyfriend who joined the institution of uniform and defense. I always hated that it's a place where human machine are manufactured, human robots are preserved. I makes me more annoyed was stupid foolish women going gaga over the man in uniform rather knowing the politics of this institution and uniform. One of my colleague said girls go crazy with man in uniform and  I won't be surprised if my fiancee said one day that he slept with a woman. You know girls are crazy about them. I just said hmm and said it depends, first we have to check whether they are really human. Then she got what I mean to say and never start that topic in the lunch table. I literally hate this kind of corporate women without a brain except they know is how to use computer and of course whatsapp or whatsass!!

But life gets you different lesson. It was the episode of Dhantewalla in 2010 which shocked me seeing 76 dead bodies of CRPF people lining up on the road, most of them belonging to the remote villages of UP and for the first time I shed some tears for those man in uniform while seeing their family crying in the tv news, their mud house, their old parents and half naked kids. That was the time I started knowing the double facets of victim-hood. Now also I do not want to believe that they join the force because they aggressively love their country and they know what is the meaning of nationalism. I was not crying for that made-to-believe machine in the uniform but of the man behind that uniform made up of blood and flesh and who has been killed as pawn in the war for nothingness but for the benefits of corporate and politicians. Let it be state or non-state armed people both the category belong to poorest of the poor group or middle class family who either fight for an empty stomach which has been kicked mercilessly or a family who eats basic non-nutritional food but dream of a comfortable life of a live-able home, a car, a family, a happy wife with a pride. Both the group do not belong to the dynasty of Gandhi, kings or whatever. I will not go to the question of nationalism and love of this country. Till now that's not even in my illusion, I can't understand whole my life and I hate aggressive campaign of nationalism by the upper caste people in this country and I do not believe in the existence of their nation excluding the poor, north east, kashmir, tribals, dalits, beggars and women at large and without those who die without knowing a life they have been gifted with this life.

Then here I met some snobbish type of girls in an institution and told me I really like that army guy. He is too smart and dress so well. That's the first time I got so offended about what someone I like. I was like no way what the hell I was doing from last one year. I need to get over and run away from what I'm thinking and shared what I felt to my close friend saying I'm so shattered. But it was after giving some thoughts I initiated to have a conversation with that man in the uniform. What makes me more vulnerable was knowing the very human, filled with blood and flesh, insecurity and loved of his own life and unlimited dream like anyone of us. May be knowing him helps me to break every piece of my hatred and instead I'm more able to understand and blamed the politics, institution and rules set against their willingness.

But I'm still left with the illusion that whether those girls who were going gaga over him was really ready to feel that human behind that uniform, feel the pain of that man in uniform whenever he leaves for his operation in a dense jungle when he know that he is fighting for an unknown enemy created out of nothingness and at the same time he can not do anything against the institution, system and the rules of military law. I do not know really how love, affection and attraction has been defined by the women of this era, by their computerized brain and whatsapp addicted heart??

 As far as I know them I don't think any of them seems to reads politics of Maoist, Army, CRPF, Dams, minerals-mines, patents, corporate, border and the very man in uniform who they have been going gaga. I could not even see the anxiety in the eyes of that woman to understand the fear in his eyes of his life, dream and a willingness to be like anyone of us to live a safe life. What made me really annoyed and irritated was what they saw in him. A brave machine with six peck, high-tech mobiles, his personalized vehicle waiting outside the institution to escort him, his short and smart hair cut, his biceps and his cleanly ironed dress, but in all the above description, there have not mentioned anything related to his being a human, that willingness to be loved, cared, blood, flesh, insecurity, pain, fear and dream! Or may be they are just wanting a prospective body they can perfectly advertised to the world. What the world believes, the brave soldier!! But what I know was different, he is just fragile, insecure, love his life, dream like us, feel the pain just like anyone of us, has the tear-ducts and it is not the politics of his uniform all I know but the human behind that uniform and only thing I hated were what all those women like to own and love, apart from his soul, all I hated was that uniform which made him look like undead and immortal to those girls!!!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Malice of a lover!!

I thought I have learned enough to live this life with full recipe of how to protect my own emotions and to be happy all the time. But there is nothing like you will be happy all the time. In fact  that sounds to boring and deadly for me. Some moments of pain, shattered and making you feel you almost lose yourself is something push you ahead in life. Also I rather learn how to understand the deepest meaning of love and who could be the one for whom I should even give myself only when I feel so much of pain because of a malice of a lover and a friends. No one truly wants your sparkling smiles, let it be your lover, let it be your friend howsoever close he or she is. And truly it's a human psychology. What I love most about this life is that something is always changing and moving ahead every now and then.Nothing is permanent and everything is so exciting. It does not give the feelings of wearing the same old clothe and same old honey money talks. I'm someone who brutally loves to be honest and who brutally hurts everyone around me including my own parents saying what don't want them to be interfered in my own life. So this rule applies to everyone. I guess, sometime I hurt people with such a straightforward approach but I always believe they later on learn to understand what I want from my life and what line I want to draw between us.

This birthday was a very special one especially because I was free on my own birthday and not having any exam. This is the only birthday where I was living with very special emotions of being in love with the one I have dream of for a year, having that keys in my hand of my own flat and being so positive for the first time. Everything looks so beautiful for a while and I know something sooner or later will come to test me again whether I really stood by where I'm now. A bigger challenge and a bigger change in my emotions. And of course it happened. Even before I'm not able to sink into the emotions of falling in love with a guy I dream of, he suddenly has to break the bad news and of course good news for himself. What not I have done for a whole night. Spent a cocktail night with friend, talked to every good friend, every pathetic person on the earth to know what I'm thinking and what is in my mind. That's very funny part of me. Because when I choose to take decision unlike any other person, pursue a life of my own believing on the set rule of my own, why the hell I had gone to that extend to listen to the pathetic suggestions of those who can't even take a stand on their own and living a life which I can not dream of myself. I would be lying if I say I never feel lonely, I never wanted to be with the man of my dream but that does not again mean that I should keep all the time in a vulnerable position that anyone can come and hurt me.

There is nothing good or bad about this life. Except thing we could do is doing what makes us feel good. I was suffocated from a day when he almost compare with a fruit that he no longer wants to eat and I was feeling terrible of my own position and saying to myself Oh God he took me in that way!!! Sometime it's is terrible and pathetic to feel terrible about yourself but one should always cross check instead of pulling down oneself whether it is worth or not to own such comparison and such position one has put you in his life. I know love is terrible and difficult but I'm more fond of love's unconditional stand and honesty. May be I'm losing that thing to so soon or may be I'm right now standing on a terrible shoes and may be I just need to get rid of it. So I just spoke to my college friends and just asked them to catch up with me in the one of the most peaceful place-among the books and spent the wonderful time with ginger tea and lots of sandwich. Before paying the bill I just said, hey I'm beginning a new episode of my life and I have learnt a new lesson in life today so let it be called as a break-up party and let me pay the bill. What love about my friend was that so many of them are frantically calling me, engaging me and asking me where I'm and what I'm doing all the time. Everyone of them just hate to see a serious, moody and non-smiling face of mine and making every possible effort to restore every piece of smile on my face. Sometime I can't imagine a life without all of them. Missed terribly Shreema who would listen patiently every piece of my narration and absorb to herself just to make me feel lighter. Suddenly she has to leave for Philippines and we are not in touch somehow when I spend the difficult one day of this year. Linda already made the cocktail plan in the midnight, Rohit keep on calling just to make sure that I'm alright even though he was busy with his exam, Neha and Akriti were tapping me every now and then just to let out everything in my mind, Lanleima is making call and messaging me every now and then even compromising her court time. Not to forget Vijay skipping his lunch time and talking to me almost an hour and Prabha reminding me I'm not what I'm feeling now and it will be just momentary.
 I don't know to whom I should thank of this life and for so many friends who would do anything to bring the smiles on my face. Once I changed to a new dress which my friends gave me as a birthday gift and I always kept to wear when he will be here in Delhi, I suddenly change everything in my mind. I adore myself with the best thing I had today. The new make up kits, the new dress, the new shoes. And I said I did not buy this to make others pleasant but to make myself feel good and look good. Once I step out from home and catch up with my friends in the small corner of the Oxford library with so many interesting books and discussing about my all time favorite politics, Arundhati Roy, insurgency, Maoist, CRPF and north-east, Kashmir, corporate I truely feel powerful and all that pathetic and pitiful feeling seems to have drained away at bay. I thought the library was almost filled with our debate, laughter and full of positive energy. Moreover no one was judging on other though we all have different opinion about our life, politics and parties. I thought how terrible humans are, we never acknowledge the love and affection of so many people around us but we literally run after the one who would bring the pain and malice in your life. With a smile I cam e back home and I know I'm writing all the bullshits out here in my blog but this is really making me feel awesome.

Above all this night I'm again falling in love with the person I'm, again I'm that person who sets her own rule, always believe in smiling even in pathetic situation in life, disbelieve in anti ageing cream for looking alive and kicking and finally I regain I idea of falling in love again even after I thought he will took away everything I had and left me without a hope.

I know I choose the most difficult path in my life to follow my heart unlike other, without even a spot of doubt then I should no longer fear the malice, pain, sadness and moments of breaking down into pieces when it comes to falling in love with the one dream of, though I just have to be careful of the proviso that, unless the person don't have enough respect and can't maintain the dignity of my own stand, rather started thinking that I'm just an easy piece to get rid of, I should be just leaving at that moment only. There is no time in life to own one's opinion in my life.What one holds as his/her opinion about me is the reflection of the socialization they have been brought up. I'm no one to correct them and make them a better person. The one who does not deserve a space should never be wasted with a space in your life or even in your room.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

The Goddess who fall in love!!

The recent news of Irom Sharmila claiming everyone around her who has been her backbone for so many years becoming a threat to her life was one of the most saddening news. The reason behind such development was pathetic, unreasonable, unacceptable and pity to all those who can not see the human, woman, a heart behind this Iron lady. Why all of us pretending to be giving her so much respect, dignity when we can not simply accept that she is also a woman who can fall in love, wants the affection of a man whoever he is and wherever he belongs. She being one person who has sacrificed her life for the people of Manipur, North-east and fighting against the colonized law of India-AFSPA does not indicate that she become public property and a property to be divided, chased and sliced by piece by piece to the NGO, Govt, and to those who claimed to be supporting to her for so long. Here the question came into my mind is that are they supporting her with the hope that someday they will walk the red carpet with her if she is ever selected for a Nobel Peace Prize and live a King's life with that money? I will not assume that too for all those who support her and still hoping that whoever they are and for whatever reason they have supported her for so long, then so suddenly why they have been dragging the issue in such a dirty manner that the struggle she has fought for so long years ended with a story as similar to that of a Bollywood item girl's personal life.

Leaving her in her own space, letting her to take her own decision is the ultimate respect we can pay to this extraordinary woman who has sacrificed her life for everyone of us. None of us has the right to even advice her to whom she would fall in love and she should not fall in love because her struggle will be gone in a different direction. If we leave the decision to her whether to fall in love, marry a man and even to quit her struggle and settle down with the man she love, then whatever she did will be more counted, respected and taken in a dignified manner by the whole world. Just because we treated her like a Goddess, we should not assume that she is incapable of falling in love, want to be in the arms of a man she love, want to lead a life just like any of us. Every woman whoever they are a Goddess, a prostitute, a whore, Girlfriend, wife or in any name, they will always  need that love, affection and care from a man they love. I don't see any reason why we should make a hue-cry over Eche Sharmila falling in love with a British citizen, the man admiring her, falling in love with her from last three years, continuously writing to her is something we should appreciate and let them have their space and respect the relation. No one would want keep a camera in their bedroom, and comment in their personal life. The same has been expressed by Eche Sharmila, of her wish to be with the man she love without anyone's judgmental eyes. How come we all have turned blind and start judging her suddenly, forgetting her sacrifice just because she fall in love with a man who does not belong to our country, state and the community. We should at least stop keeping an eye on her personal life and trying to sabotage the whole struggle she has done. Those govt agency, Armed forces who are still willing to continue the draconian act must be laughing at the recent news of her personal life being focus and totally diverting the whole issue. It's our immaturity and extend of our bloody patriarchal system where our brothers, fathers and husband/boyfriend think that we are their property and we should be in their protection and mercy all the time. So as even if falling in love with a man which they can't accept for his belonging to some other state/country is truly showing our insecurity and reflection of an uncivilized society.

She has done nothing wrong. Even if she done something wrong then also none has right to comment, that's her life, let her spoil, enjoy and die in the manner she wants. She just fall in love just like any one of us. Love has no eyes to identify like us and then focus whether he belongs to our community or not. Better we learn soon and let the woman enjoy and live their life just the way they want. More you try to protect, prevent and jailed them in your sub-conscious mind, the more they will become rebellious, furious and who knows there will come a day , your own sister and daughter will abandon you and fight against men's psyche of insecurity. I still believe with the saying that Meitei women are most the courageous and rebellious who even fight against the colonizer British, so don't let their knife turn on yourself. Sharmila is our Goddess and we should celebrate that our Goddess has fallen in love and we should be happy that she will live longer, healthier and her fight will continue endlessly. This is protest against all those who try to sabotage her struggle, politicized her personal life, judge her personal life and make it dirty.

To all those media who highlighted the issue of her affair more than her struggle, I have only few words-FUCK YOU ALL !! She is not a Bollywood heroin for whom you can write anything, even their bedroom story and treat like a prostitute. If you don't know how to address her with respect and dignity, then you should never write anything about her. That shows your level, mentality and your country's standard. There is nothing to proud about it.

With this I would pray for a longer life for her.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

The Terrible Two & Puzzle!

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
Sylvia Plath 

...Of course it is not a puzzle any longer to him and I should blame myself for what I thought the world has the people who would think the way you want, who would evolve the way you evolve many a times in one birth. May be I'm the only one among the lot, who has got the opportunity rather than guts to do so, to chase the dream you wish to, to live like the orphans who had nobody to interrupt your freedom and almost dream like a queen who has no one to question.

I'm not sure whether I'm lucky or rather a victim to endorse with so much of freedom and liberty to do what I want always in a time, faith and society which is bluffing me all the time with my emotions. Sometime I felt I'm rather a victim and trying to engulf and misuse my sense of purity to the emotions by those who could never dream of owning them. Everything & everyone came out to be just lie, unwanted, coward and pitiful this time and I'm literally confused who is wrong???

Should  I crush the man who has sold off his liberty to dream or the society which prostitute the human emotions in the name of tradition or the fallen faith and destiny which always threw me into a situation where I'm left with nothing in hand. Not even with a hope to dream again. May be all of them will line up one day and call me I'm just a fool who still do not know the reality of life. But I'm still too confused what is all about living with the reality? The world so far has defined it to me as something in which you have to lose yourself, rather become someone whom you can not be, rather shameful, coward and foolish. May be I need to rewrite a definition of my own though it may take years to scale its deepest truth. So far since the day I learn to dream of, I have never lose the hope of doing something new, something challenging, even falling in love with the most impossible man I have ever met but I never blame my faith for bluffing my emotions and I used to do believe and trust the destiny. Thought it will bring the things right for me but meeting so many flaws in the past few years, I have started losing my faith to the only hope I have in an unquestionable destiny. Is it really a way to prove me wrong or trying to strengthen my stand against the belief of the rest? Let it be, I don't want to think anything on this. Let the time tell, let the time come, either I will prove it wrong or they will make me wrong just to break me into pieces. Though I would love to spend the rest of my life gathering all those broken pieces hope, dreams and love, I would never surrender myself to something which I can not believe and live with it.

What else I can do and there is nothing wrong in dreaming, hoping and falling in love even for an impossible man. There is again nothing wrong, though painful, even to share a dream with a man who has no liberty to dream and fall in love. I only know, how beautiful it is to be lost in a dream of falling in love with a man you have been dreaming for so long; on the other hand I can not resist to feel the sadness of those blissful moments dyeing slowly in front of my own eyes. Every word of him, every note of love, every dream to escape to a dream land falls apart slowly without a destination. While I set back myself to a moment where he would be just sitting opposite of me and without a word, without a permission, I would keep dreaming for another day to come where I will be with him. For so long, he was too far from me though just sitting by my side sometime, and suddenly we become so close and more divided by a bigger wall where we stood like the untouchables though I'm left in a place which remain unchanged.

No one was wrong in their decision. Neither I nor him. I should let him stand in his position and take back what I dream off. Rather I would cherish the moments of my own and I would say I'm lucky to be enjoyed thoroughly even without his permission, more over without his notice for so long. Though I again have to prepare for another ceremony of his natural death in my dream with time and moments fading away from me and memories. Nothing is new, nothing is surprising, he will become another one among those buried one. And I'm ready to paint another canvas, so colourful, till it become pale and meaningless, until it gets the shades of my own. He will belong nowhere, in fact, nowhere!!!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Euthanasia of love!!!

Living in a place where lovers are killed, love is undignified, living with an assumption that everything is to be beautiful behind that curtain of marriage! I'm totally frustrated with the hypocrisy of people and their guts to boast a life about parents, society, tradition and culture and blah if those who could stand for love are wild animals, not tamed and trained. But the fact is that I'm proud to be one of the un-tammed, un-trained, wild animal who can die for love but can't live with hypocrisy and fake smile throughout the life. Those who are in love only knows how beautiful it is to be with the one you love, how hateful it is to be with the one you could never fall in love.

Love was everything I have ever wanted but unfortunately I landed in a land where love is all about ball, butts, boobs and obsession of physical needs. Agreed that relation revolves around both physical and emotion and both goes hand in hand but now a days its a fashion if a man think that he can kiss every passing woman on the road even regardless of a bad breathe, I guess. I do not know how many of them ever learn to see into the eyes of a person, feel it, watch him/her silently, passed a ignorant smile and follow the footsteps of the love. I do not know how far love has touched to the heart of this huge population who seems to be too lost with the smart phone like the monkeys hugging the coconut helplessly. After seeing all of them I cry for mercy killing of the love, only thing which makes human different from rest of the animals or a civilized animal.

Seems like I'm finally defeated and I have to agree with myself that love has been killed long ago and it would be just a dream which remain as a dream to be ever find a love. It's a terrible world where emotions are sold off for everything and I'm literally tired trying to still save that little human inside me in a jungli-zed society. So far wherever he is, whatever he does, I still miss those silent walk following his footsteps, waiting for him in a road where he would never turn up, trying to mimic his smiles, even smiling alone while catching up with him in my own memories. At least I love his guts to show his affection to me regardless of what we are for each other. I do not understand any longer why people live such an unsecured, cowardice life. They can not enjoy the love, emotions which sprouts like a rare spring from their own heart but gives a huge lecture on society, culture and tradition.

Love was something which taught me everything, just lying on the bed in my room in home as a teenager and reading Dr. Kamal's novel Madhabi, made me feel the pain of Urirei when Biren left for his study in Shillong, even holding my heavy heart with an imagination that what if someday my love left me in such a way. What a bizarre reality I live today, everything ends with such a pity death of human soul. All looks walking, talking, smart zombie. Really missed the way my aunties used to fall in love with their boyfriends, walking out silently from home in my father's absence, taking me along with them so that my father won't question them where they were, exchanging some sweet talks before they depart for the day and of course passing a letter to her hand with a shy smile. Love was never been an embarrassment, defamation and useless as it is treated in the modernized society. And the most romantic memory I had about them was about my aunties knitting sweater for their boyfriend to gift them in new year day. I recalled my aunty knitting a yellow sweater copying those days Salman Khan's sweater in Maine Pyaar Kiya. I never understood at those days how was love all about but it seems like though my blood and breathe that every sense of purity of love have been inhaled deeply. I'm still searching for that lost scent of love though I'm sure by now that it had the most unnatural death long ago.

 I'm too jealous of all my aunties now. Living here is like a life-imprisonment for me, a slow poisoning of my own emotions and at the end of the day loosing myself. It was in twelve, our English teacher taught the chapter of Titanic and I almost had the sleepless night of so many days thinking that how painful it would be losing the one you loved. Sir Thoiba's lecture on Manipuri famous story of lovers Kadeng-Thangjahanba and Tonu Laijinglembi almost made me fall in love with the strange and wildest notions attached to love. Everything seems to have been killed and I'm just trying to touch a mirage which no longer existed.

Somehow while coming back late today and travelling alone in the metro, I was missing him and his smile which he always try to hide from me and everyone but obvious to me and to everyone too. What makes him different from the rest was the invasion of a smile on my lips whenever I remember him. I only wish if I can keep hold of the moments but everything is gone with time though it could not erase shadows of his smiles. I never had an expectation from him and no dream of future with him but it was a boundless affection and careless smiles which I missed the most today. That respect, emotions and care was something which I will cherish about him forever. I know everyone finds us weird, mischievous and kiddish but it was of emotions which we never thought of controlling and judging from the beginning. I was prepared of his going even from my nocturnal dream but I was very sure of one thing that he will never leave me even with a droplet of tear in my eyes. As I assume so, he walked away from my dream, hope and memory from a time when I was ready to walk in another path of life and of a new dream and of a new bond.

I do not mind people judging me whether I'm old fashioned or anything but whole my life I'm ready to die to find the one who will bring back that magical wing of the lost love but I could never witness the euthanasia of love.

I live with what I believe till today, life was never interested for me to do only what others expected me of doing. At least I promise to myself that I will never lie to my emotions, and it will remain true forever. Till I die, I'm ready to fight thousand other winner-less war to restore every piece of love from its honour killing!!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Just questions & questions....!!!

Landed at home after two years for a week visit. Had the sleepless nights from a week for a dream of seeing the land which exiled me thirteen years before and seems like she wanted to disown me forever. Lived all these years in Delhi with the mirage of dream, hope and love of the land where I no longer live. Dream about mother's morning taunting call, dad's impatient hobby of  restlessly modifying the home, the endless argument between me and father and so on. But this time, the visit to home seems something else. I came back with such a heavy heart, I do not even watch in the eyes of my mother, I don't want to cry just like I stepped out thirteen years ago. Seeing the lonely school road, the kids cycling for morning tuition, every scene in front of my eyes seems to have questioned me what I'm thinking and what road I have chosen in this life and why?

Walked the lane where we used to play when we were kids and recall the incidents how we used to wake up  3 am in the morning and run just like life has no worry. Life was about dream, hope and love unlike today. Still I'm lost in this war of living between dream and reality. Everyone seems of run after after the reality of the life, while I'm too much engaged with my questions on existence of such reality. Everything was good, memorable and I missed the most the laughter I shared with my mother, youngest sister and me during the dinner. Laughing like there is no one else in the world to trouble us and we were the queens of a dreamland. Left hope with extremely heavy heart and as usual many memories try to encroach in my mind while I'm still confused with the such enchanting dreams of the present.

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed the trip to home especially the lunch in my place with all my friends then heading to the Loktak Lake for boating and followed by a trip to the most beautiful place Ukhrul. The visit to ukhrul was the most exciting thing trip ever happened in my life, except that we should not have eaten the unwanted call for the lunch in the zombie's house. Life taught us so many lessons and this would be one where I would have to take a stand and let know the people that whatever you are, whoever you are, you are no different from a toothless zombie when you do not know the etiquette of being a human living in a civilized society. The mood of whole trip was spoiled by one just episode though I still try to bring in my memories the scenic beauty of Ukhrul in a full moon night. I'm not sure I would get another chance in this lifetime to watch the moon caressing the falling slopes of the hills while the restless cloud watch it with so much of jealousy. It was a moment of this lifetime. Unforgettable and undying.

This home visit seems to special with so many walls built between so many relations and so many new relations again sprout in my way. Some looks promising, some looks just another chapter of this life. I'm excited and I'm scared too. Again it's an endless war between my willingness to follow the dream, do the wildest things in the world to fulfill what I dream for and a fear which is holding me from living it fearing of a future where I will have to face another chapter of life, of love, hurt, departure and living with the memories of those buried ones. As of now, I'm thinking nothing and just seems like I'm too much pull away in this tide of freedom to fall free with no one to catch hold of me. Even I'm not sure, it's gonna be a dream, hope or just another way of life trying to teach me the reality and asking to understand from past experiences. To many questions, too many walls between so many relations of this life, I'm no longer capable to thinking what is right and what is wrong. But after-all who defined us so far what is right and what is wrong? Isn't it just a part of life which we are made to come across and redefine our dream? 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

I hate to say this!

I know I'm the most arrogant woman and always hate to show my tear in front of a man! But as of now I have to write, console and think right that all people are not same and cruel. And I still want to reconfirm my believe that there are people who can see the tears hidden behind layers of this arrogant face and this lady can cry all alone whole night without telling anyone.

Today, I seem to lost all my faith to everyone. I have never been so upset, feel weird and disgusting for so long. Moreover I have never seen one with such cruel face. And why suddenly I missed you so much today. Just because you always tolerated me, bear my temper, understand my frustration, responsibilities or what not? But at last still I have to be rude and say the same thing that you too were a coward for the fact that you too choose to leave and follow the whole crowd, forgetting that whatever we are, whoever we are, we will land someday only within a graveyard.

Why I feel so pathetic today is not because something bad is happening or has happened in my life but I saw the most cruel face of a man and love being killed and dyeing with such an insulting end. I wish I have the courage to forget and forgive him. Meanwhile when I saw the worst scene of my life today, when I saw one love abusing another, I suddenly could not stop doing a round trip in my mind how you have treated me. I don't know what we called our relation was, never wanted to give a name and bound for lifetime but I wish every man has the courage to love a woman like you do with so much of dignity. Most of the fight, most of the argument was because of my frustration over not able to handle my responsibility towards my family but you have not even used a single abusive word towards me, forget about raising your hand and showing me you are a man and m a weaker sex.

I still hated you for being a coward but don't know there will be another man on this earth who could understand me better than you do. I know I was never fair with you whenever there is a fight and it should be always a win-win condition for me but never say that I was wrong. Just talking to my friend saying I'm too disturbed today because of some reason and I wish you were here to say that I'm the most different girl and I could never be wrong. Sometime it feels too bad how I made hell out of your life even making you run from one place to another in the middle of the night but I think everything was happened to make me learn a lesson that the world is full of pathetic people but still someone like you will be there to stand for me without expecting anything in return. And it hurt me more whenever my friends said, you know he was unconditionally good to you and we wish everything ended with a good note.

But something else was written and you wrote that end for which I can never give an excuse to forgive you. You try to hurt me even after you are gone for so many months by making me realized how good you were to me and why the fuck you had to go like a coward to that hell!

May be by writing this I'm feeling much better and may be it is just like before, how I used to spit all the Hindi and English slangs in my vocab in any of our fight and try to hurt you intentionally thinking that I was always the winner. 

Monday, September 30, 2013

Why did my neighbor vote for non-congress in last election?

It's election time. I hardly watched tv but as always obsessed with print media and it's fun to analyse the election politics rather than the politics itself. The only young Gandhi in Congress trying to be radical when he is born only to be a chocolate boy while Modi or sweetly called as NaMo by his fan criticizing the already rotten congress just like we are born yesterday and he is the one who gave the light and vision to see the world. None of his campaign has no plan and proper propaganda of what he will do other than criticizing congress which has nothing left with themselves. Would have been more happy for a PM candidate looks little wiser, sober, authoritative, honest and gentle rather than dramatic, mix with jingoism and focus more on unnecessary issues like "DEHATI AURAT".  I think country scores 30% of poor population of world, would have appreciated more if focus is more on resources, sources, human development of the whole country rather than focusing on Gandhi and Congress.

 Let it be. I can never have affinity with RSS baby for being one of the most sexist party and the one who will focus more on bullying than bringing a civilised society. Of course those who are in corporate and hate inflation cutting their throat by the present govt will think he is the alternative. But of course not for me, for the sake of the freedom I wish to enjoy as a woman and for the people I wish to live in one society without a divisive politics. I can never forgive a political party who even blame a rape victim and always give antagonizing comments to the sexual assault victims, even counting on the recent comment by the ninety year old Mr. dirty Ram Jethmalani. Of course, Modi is supoorted by those who does not count women are part of the youth or the politics or country, and about the women crowd who supported him and our pathetic Malllika Sherawat, I do not know what they are but not merely a woman. I'm born and brought up in a place where both Hindu/Muslim and major tribal groups inhibited together. Till now there is no communal tension apart from small misunderstanding between the younger and in future too I don't dream of a Muzzafarnagar, Gujarat etc. So my choice has been very specific, better I don't vote but not BJP.

Just going to the memory of last election about my mother told me why did my neighbor vote for the non-congress was only reason that she need money for aborting her baby who was dead inside her womb. Before I was shocked to hear that news and I was in dilemma since I was caught up in some bloody argument in the Facebook with some stupid, royal intellectuals talking about those who took money for voting as prostitutes. I said why did not their family vote for Dr. Ratan when he did so much unlike previous MLA. One thing I love about my parents is that they always give me space to argue and if I'm right they do not hesitate to do what I said. When there was another candidate contesting against congress, I thought they must be a better person but they are rather uneducated business mafia, looting the people in his gas, oil business from last 20-30 years and now he has enough money so he can stood up. At least Dr. Ratan was a Professor in the Manipur University and I know their family has problem of entertaining their own people and channelizing the govt funds to the family member but he listens, try to adapt with the people's around him. There were many times I did not let my parents to go for campaign work whenever I get upset with the Congress bloody politics, still imposing AFSPA and of course my close association in a time with Eche Sharmila when she was in AIIMS back in the year 2006.

The recent supreme court judgement was an overwhelming for a voter like me who do not wish to vote by choosing a less evil one. Of course if I vote I will use that button only whole my life. Coming back to my neighbors, after few days of election and election result, I called my neighbor saying I'm so sorry to hear about everything and it was a way to calm down the conflict of interest and tension created between all of them because of election. One by one I called up and talked to them asking why did you get angry with him or her. All was because of the election and then I gave a long lecture starting with a line 'you guys are so useless and dumb". I could imagine my cousin's red face. I'm thankful to my association with them, till now none of my cousins, uncles and aunts can reply with a damn answer if they are wrong. The most saddest part was the reason for voting. I said why don't you guys collect money to get her to the hospital instead of taking money from the candidate and it's you people selling yourself. Then I was too hurt with what was happen and too upset with some people talking about clean politics, good politics when they do not know how does it feel like when one is being kicked in the stomach, here in her womb. My neighbor hardly earned an income of Rs. 200 per day. Once they used to work for us but by now we stop with our business and their family do not even have money to buy one kg of rice in a day. On one side I was very upset with the people who are talking bullshit in the Facebook when they have not seen life of any poor person other than taking photograph of poor and selling them, on the other hand I was disturbed by the misery of the family which forced them to take the money. In my argument in that night, I compare the job of that Professor or any other job as that of prostitute for calling those who took money in the vote as prostitutes. It was too outrageous and insulting for him but I'm not regretted with what I told because for those who can't understand a simple language and underestimate people, I have no other way to make them realize other than telling them in their language only.

With time another election is coming and I could witness the festival season in my place. The poor will have the meat, drink the best wine, eat the best meal of their lifetime when there is an election. You and I can think of clean politics, good politics but lets not ask a stupid question to those whose life revolves around filling their own empty stomach only. Lastly who does the clean and good politics? Ambanis, Tatas or Birla? Why Tata support Modi? Because of the issue of land acquisition in Singur, West Bengal and his manufacturing plan being shut down from there. What about Ambanis, they are the richest in the world, do they practice a good and clean politics when they raise the price of gas every three months when resources belong to the people, not to the Ambanis.

So lets not try to act as a moralist or hero by trying to question those who are struggling for one meal while you all are so quite when minorities are killed, when whole North East is kept wrapped/raped under a sealed womb for 67th years from now. Now please do not ask me to smile and laugh with the Look East policy and vision 2020. None of the people in NE are happy with vision 2020 because it was just a means to feed the hungry child of mainland India, not for the benefits of the people of North East. Now if we resist, protest and try to give our reason please do not trade as anti-Indian, India is very much ours and we raise our voice because we want to live in a place where we can share resources, live and feel the nerves of this country, other than seeing republic day march in black n white tv, we can not be myopic, like those sitting in an ac corporate room counting their salary and said look at the insurgents, look at this lady Arundhati Roy, she wants a Nobel Prize, Meda Patkar, she is against the development. Sit down and read what they are saying, if you love Gandhi, Bhagat Singh and our own hero Irabot then you should accept that they also fight for the same cause but against the British but now it's against the Brown rulers, if you are with this rulers then there is no difference between those Zamindars and you all who just want care about your electricity, metro, 3G andriod and can't think how many villagers are exploited to provide a American life to the metro-lites. So of course these people are fighting is for you also. Protecting us from selling to the corporate and to Amerikans.

Till now let it be Congress, BJP or any other political party, none have not worked in the interest of the people. If we want to change then we should not vote with a feeling of choosing the less evil one without knowing what if these supposedly lesser evil become a monster with our support and vote. There can be hope for clean politics but it starts from us asking our govt to stop politics of terrorism, militants, moist, CRPF, Army etc. Look back see who join insurgents, army, CRPF. They all belong to other than middle class or exploited groups. One join the other army to fight for their right, land and food, one join the other army to find a career or a job. Questions should be asked why Ambanis, Tata, Birlas, Gandhis do not become an insurgent or army or CRPF? If we seek for clean politics we should protest for what is wrong in the system without blindly following a political party or a person....

It's a well known formula that there can not be insurgents, militants, terrorism in a country where there is no support of politicians. If Indira Gandhi is still alive, we could have asked her why she has chosen to terminate the insurgent movement in Mizoram  and why not in other states of north east and Kashmir.

Nevertheless argument is not going to get over but only the myopic vision of politics concentrated only in some mainland or metro will not bring a happy go lucky India in future. It all depends on our vision and of course in our attitude.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Why I need to write..??

Before I attempt to write poetry back in the year 2009, my first short story was written after I narrate a story of a woman in our locality to my friends and the fateful incident happen to her. I was in class XI and could recall the horrifying and most ashamed thing happened in my locality though everybody thinks that they were right.

Well, poetry was revived after a long time, in fact after the school days though I used to write so many things in my diary but not in the form of poetry. English is one of the most difficult language for me as I have studied from Manipuri medium till my high school and one reason why  I still make it a habit to write any damn thing in my diary was to overcome the language constraint and also to free myself from any burden. There were times, I can not say all the things to parents, friends and when I feel terrible about something, I usually write in my diary only. There were many things which I just wrote, never to read again. It was like a meditation and a treatment for me. Bought the first diary when I was in class, when nothing to write, I used to open English-Manipuri dictionary and used to keep a record of the most difficult English words. Still I wish to keep a beautiful diary and write everyday before I sleep but already addiction with laptop and internet is getting me no time.

So many things lined up, I do not know where to start. Moreover, I just want to give a final touch to the two landmark story, I have ever attempted so far. The draft of the story has been spread among so many of them, some part of the story seems to be diluted. Sometime it hurts when your interest conflicts with your profession. While I have to do a 8 am to 5 pm job for five days and then engage with so many other things, no time is left to even open the draft of the story.  My only dream of completing those two stories is because I want to tell the story of those two women and what happened to them. Every time I sit down in front of my laptop, I feel guilty of not completing the story and it was a burden to me for so long. So far, I try to adapt the best and worst part of their life but still I don't want to compromise with my writing when I'm narrating their story. That's my commitment to the social crime happened to those women. I wish to show to the world that they are the real hero and not those who drag them to a level where they live with shame. As a research to complete their story, I used to talk to many people in the locality, but no one still say a good word and have mercy towards them. It seems like world was cruel for them and I also watched her when she was insulted by the whole community without her fault. Well, hope I will pull up all my courage to portray as they wish to live without anyone's scrutiny in their life.

As I'm going home in few days, I'm just reviving my memory and I hope I'm ready for the last touch to the story after my home visit. Hope I can just walk around see their children and how their life has been changed from rich to rags in the one decade.

Scent of my Home!!

Trying to grasp with the lost scent of the homeland, not through the fragrance of the flowers, not through the melodies in the distant hills but the echoing songs of the gunshots that ceaselessly singing like the unbeatable July rain. Worth remembering was my first Diwali in Delhi, I got numb and hide behind the door hearing the sound of the crackers and I just thought the scent of the home followed me till my doorstep in Delhi.

September !!

When there were so many reason 
and the time was just right 
We did nothing and said nothing
We have told other people 
We love them, at the same time
We have leant on other's shoulder
feeling sense of total trust
Could it not happen?
Could it happen?
You, here for all these years
Me, for all these years
Our path have never crossed
except on this September night..!!


Like the Autumn leaflets, everything falls 
I fought like the warriors 
Gruesome time went away 
Slipped from my hands
Towards tomorrow
Leaving nothing to keep with me 
Memory, your smile 
All are scattered in the wind 
Never to come together
You and I , the lost worriers 
Against this unsanctioned clock of life..

Friday, September 20, 2013

Honour Killing: Real Victim

Finally I'm restoring my engagement with the social issues and writing my views which concerns especially women. Facebook is like brothel and we are like her addicted customer who keeps on visiting. But now I do have reservation of writing in Facebook because of the colleagues who are already stereotyping me in the office as aloof, fierce, opinionated feminist who hates their non-veg jokes and bedroom story in the lunch table. Yes, I do hate non political and non-sensible people whose life does not have a purpose and vision and showing no participation in the society.

Well, reading newspaper is my second habit and its hard for me to survive when I do not read newspaper. First thing which caught my attention in the Hindu page was the brutal murder of two lovers for the so called Honour killing in Rohtak, Haryana. It was unimaginable for a parent killing their own blood and flesh for their family honour. In the second thought, the more worrying factor was the father of the girl showing no remorse of the burning his daughter and beheading her lover but also confessing to the local media that what he did was correct and his heroic act will deter the youths to go against the society. Third shocking fact are reading the comments of the readers "killed such parents" "killed the Jats and Gujjars" "Jats are main reason of crime' 'Haryanvis are shame of this country". But feel pity of the victims and feel sad because their life has been ended so mercilessly. Rather I feel that her parents are more in a terrible situation than the victims which led them to kill their own kids. It was scary people jump on the road whenever there is a problem with an immediate solution- killed the rapist, killed the jats and gujjars. I think people are gone beyond madness and they do not have a single second to discuss about society, changing mindset, scenario but quick in  giving their solution to a problem. Such kind of generation and people do not have any role to play when they are so busy with their life and why solution given by them should be accounted? When I sit down and think about rape cases, honour killing, domestic violence etc, first thing I want to do is a study of their mental status, social norms, brought up and what are the factors which influence to make such monsters in our society. The recent studies show that most of the sexual assault accused have a childhood trauma of sexual harassment or torture while they are young. So, I'm really eager to understand the social norms, khap panchayats, their reason of subjecting to honour killing in northern India and increase in the sexual assault case in Manipur. Everything requires a long term solution. Killing the rapist, killing the parents and ethnic cleansing of one community will not solve any solution.

I do not know who are Jats and Gujjars. My knowledge about the caste system and community dividend in the North India is very poor and very confusing too because I'm born and brought in a society where there is no caste system except three religion - Hindu/Meitie, Christain and Muslim. But I do know lots of Haryanvi. Most of my non Manipuri friends in college, university are Haryanvi. Never asked my friends which caste they belong because what matters to me is what kind of person they are, not their community and caste. For a while I thought this lunatic people will really start a ethnic cleansing war one day. 

Just going around in my head, I remember visiting to Sonipat in MSc time to one of our classmate's home and how we play in their field like the kids. Above all,  the hospitality of her parents specially towards me because they are concerned about my security. And about Neelam, I can't even think of a person on the earth who will say a bad thing about her and  moreover her mother and sister was charming than her. While going from Delhi to Chandigarh I used to visit her home in Panipat and never felt that they treated me differently. So many of them are Haryanvis, Neha, my best friend in Law faculty, Praveen with whom I share my evening snacks in the faculty and all the funny talks, Ambika, the cutest girl in my list who would call me to complain about series of boyfriend and lastly about Rohit who would be there to rescue me during the heavy rainfall in Delhi from nowhere when no auto, no taxi would agree to go anywhere. Above all, my encounter with one of the most honest professor in the law faculty always left me an impression that people can be wrong but not the whole community or society. No one can ever say or think about a bad word about him just because he is of Haryana origin when he gave 100 % of himself while most of the professor fear of losing extra calorie did not even speak in an audible voice.  

With all of them I have such a good rapport, I started feeling bad when people bully by taking their community. Sometime I told them kya yaar, how come all my friends are Haryanvis only. In our conversation I do ask them why these issues are happening to their society and they understand everything is wrong except thing I felt is that the problem is so acute in their society and even if they want a change they are helpless and above all they lack organisational level of fighting a problem and less engaged like we do towards AFSPA, sexual harassment and community level interaction in Manipur. Only thing I could witness was the break down of the structure in the society where everybody bothers whats around them only while living with a myth "what can we do, it keeps happening". At least in our society we react, resist and protest, these things seems to be absent in their case.  None of them are happy specially when it comes to dealing with personal life and more frustrating was when they learnt that someday they have to settle down with a stranger through arrange marriage.  Everyone of them wants to fall in love, sometime share their interest about falling in love with a girl or boy of their choice.  But even I told them not to have any relation when they already know that there could never be a future though it is not all about marriage. They sometime said your society is so good and we wish we can choose our own life partner like you people do. Sometime I just have to make the situation funny to cheer them up by saying elope with your girlfriend, I will offer asylum in Manipur where your family could never reach. They know they can never do that so we just end the topic with a laughter. 

Just to conclude is that human should not be divided by the community, caste, religion and looks. Every community has good and bad people. So as in Manipur, Delhi and everywhere. It is just that some of the communities are still behind us in terms of education, liberalization and it also depend on which culture/tradition has influenced them from the beginning. We were even more open and liberal society than now before the adoption of Hinduism and when all the community in Manipur are of same religion but with time our society is also drastically changed. Foe instance, from the time I used to follow my aunts in their date in the cinema halls to a time when lovers have to hide and meet in the dark shade restaurants. May be there is a story or logic or menace which spread the epidemic honour killing in Haryana till today from the time immemorial. Just like we studied why sudden scrutiny, increase in the moral policing, several moves of suppressing women in our society have led to the maximum number of crime against women in Manipur in the few years. May be the people specially well educated youth needs to do some homework, engage in the social issues and learn to resist, react and protest in such happenings though it would be tough in the beginning. 

Last but not the least we should stop stereotyping of everything. All north east women are easy going type, all Muslims supports Pakistan,all Haryanvis are criminal, all Jats are maniacs, all Baniya are selfish etc.  will not bring a consolidated solution. In fact we are just pushing each other in a dirty racism game. This is too dirty and it will only hurt and divide us more than we can think of.  What we need is to understand each other's difference, have little patience towards each other. For me I learn to be aggressive, hard working, confident and helping nature from my Haryanvi friends while they learn from me about my culture, problem in my hometown and how much you need to be radical and engaged to bring a change in your own family at first, then to the society.

 I do not hesitate to share the problems I faced in Delhi about my responsibility, financial problems, security and how I even sometime go against my parent's wish when I think something is against my will. But I do not expect they also go home and rage a war against their parents but I do tell them to keep a habit of discussing about the change we need with parents. So as one of my friend usually discussed with her mother about the dowry harassment to some of our friends who recently got married and she said her parents said now they will not let her marry even if they do not find a man who is not ready to marry without dowry. I think that's how we can bring the little change at our end. It's we who can educate about the changes in the society to our parents, otherwise they are no longer in a age to do all the homework.

When one family is changed, half of the society is changed. That's what my dad always taught us. Even I'm born and brought up in a place where no girl studied beyond class XII. Either parents would ask them to stop further study or they will voluntarily think that it is of no use. But my parents took the challenge to even send me in Delhi after my class XII though we were facing acute financial problem in the home after the big fat Manipuri marriage of two of my aunts. My dad always wrote me that we live with your hope and you will not bring us down. All my dad's friend told him that why are you spending so much money in your daughter when she will be married to a stranger's family. My dad was different from the rest and told them boldly that she will always be my daughter whether she lives in my house or in her husband's house. No one can ever take a place of being her father and I will be proud if she become first post graduate or Scientist than just being any girl in the locality. My dad taught us to think differently from the rest, so I would learn to have a different outlook towards my friends unlike others. A little patience, more engagement and more time is what we required to bring a change and I will always be there for them so as they are for me so far in a strange city where I have started from a scratch, and unlike other I will not bully them calling their community. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Ode to my first Love!

Everything is allowed in our society except expressing what you feel. I think this is one challenge which led me to find out my first love and have even work so hard to be with him someday. Destiny has some other plan and that I do not know what is stored in future but I'm simply a happy go lucky girl now. I'm in love with my life now, hardly complaint about what I do and I do not think twice now unlike other woman but I simply can fall in love with a man without pros and cons. Finally, I'm able to identify love sans the materialistic and there lies the sense of being in love even without a bonding of a relationship. Love is all about you being happy even in the memory of a person who may or may not be living with you.

I like experimenting people's reaction when I asked them about weird non-traditional questions and I keep doing that since school days. This time I told my friends that I'm going to say a guy that I want to date him despite of knowing that there is no possibility of future for us. Just because I find him extremely handsome, attractive, charming and a good human. Everyone drop their cup of tea, no he is that kind, he is not that kind, you can not do that, he still belong to that family, that society, that community, that caste and so on. The direction of whole communication changes to a social drama; I was like watching real life Styagraha, a social drama. I got really pissed off and said why did not you object when a friend of ours married to a man without even liking him and his family just because she is turning 30 years and she won't get a suitable husband once she crossed that age. Which one is more important for you all and why are you all act like a moralist? I continue my argument saying I just said I want to express my feelings for him and I did not say anything beyond that. Did I say I'm going to pursue him, leave my job and fast unto death if he deny or if he says he does not have any soft corner for me. You guys are suicidal, why so judgmental about him just because he belong to a community we do not like it and I do not know where you all belong to. I added saying that you all will say yes go ahead if I say I'm ready to compromise and marry that guy whom I do not even want to see his face though he belong to my community. I know what is going on in the society better than anyone of you but it is just that I do not want to follow it and don't feel it worth to just jump in the bed with a person whom I'm not in love. One of them argue that what if he deny and cut all the existing relation with you and we do not want to see you hurt? I said I'm ready to accept happily whatever is his response as he has the right to make his choice and if cuts off everything with me then it's simple file work, I will add another name in my list cowards and losers. Above all once he become one of them, I can no longer have respect for him and love will cease automatically. That was the end of the conversation and somehow I'm rather affected by their conversation and decided to keep mum over the things we discussed.

Even my friends said why do you give credit of your writing and poetry to your first love and he is such a big loser. They told me about their meeting with him when they gave them a copy of the book. I said, leave him aside, he has not grown up yet. I told him I like him when I was just 19 years and till now if he thinks that I'm in hang over just because I honestly think that he was the reason for me to start writing in the late '90 then I'm not in the mood to explain to him. Whatever he thinks is not my headache now. Let him think but I honestly feel that I should thank him for inspiring me in those days, I even name my mother as one reason for writing, so what is the big D? I will not hesitate to name him as the one, from whom I learn the meaning of love, lost, anguish, pain and every emotions associated with him. I would not be an honest person towards others if he he has not betrayed me and did not make me feel that how painful it is when someone you love hurt you, cheat on you. That's one reason I always make sure that I never hurt anyone intentionally who are in love with me and I learn to show the utmost respect to the one who shows affection towards me unlike him.

After all, do you think that a chemistry student who was struggling in Miranda House to even write a correct sentence in English would be obsessed of  writing three volumes of diary within the span of four years with full record of every exchange of letters, postcards and mail between us. I would never know why was love so beautiful that let walk in the rain and be with him though he stayed miles away from me at those days, if not I was in love with him. No one has got the privileged to lost in a dream and even forgotten that she was travelling in a crowded north-east train and unbeaten by the hot north summer and even smile at everyone, if not he did not pay a surprise visit before I left home. Last but not the least, I would not have been so poetic and experiment too much about it if he has not hurt me and broke all the dreams about us and moreover for destroying his own image of good boy, papa's boy. I learnt to live with the reality, I learnt to trust people after knowing and I learnt that love was for me all the time, within my heart, it does not go away with him but he was just a person who was not destined for my precious love. But I'm not the unlucky one just because he denied and cheated on me. It's him, who will be condemned by the love whole his life, not me. I learnt from him that love is the most beautiful and irrational emotion which could ever happen in our life. I know he is not an honest guy, he cheated on me knowingly, play with my emotions and so on reasons but I was crazy for him even after knowing everything. I spent 7 years of my precious life just writing about him, piling up 3 volumes of diary, thinking about him, crying about him, searching him in every face, looking for his smile in every falling image but at the end of everything I have realized that love is not about possession and after our last conversation back in the year 2005, I have never called him, even asked anyone about him though I keep writing every possible dreams of a future where we would meet again and that never happen too. Even I tore up every expectation in my life about falling in love again with any other person because of him and spent hours in the place whenever I go home while trying to keep hold of the moment where we were laughing together and he was showing his photos of new college, future plan, his new friends and I was giggling about my new life in Delhi, new friends and how much I wish to come home as soon as I finish my study to be with him and my family.

Everything changes drastically, I never gave up, but it was the destiny which has given up on me. More than me, my mother was hurt of what I went through and sometime asked me if I'm seeing someone else? I said, do not worry everything is set and will fall in place and we do not need to run after it and I just have to fall in love where my heart say so. People commented frantically to our poem as love sick poem, that's too harsh for people to disregard one's expression of emotions in the purest form. I think our poems are rather a celebration of love and it's world than being sick of love and lovers. No one in our society, especially women express their emotions, that's nontraditional, irrational and unacceptable. Love means marriage, if not that is immoral, what's moral is agreeing to sleep with a stranger by giving a name called husband, that's society's custom. Whatever stand I took till today is against this and I will do the same for the rest of my life too. I know my friends are concerned about me but I feel that it is crazy sometime if they ask me to date every good friend of mine. I wish love is something I can manipulate and love only those who would not hurt me, but this does not happen all the time. May be you can still call me crazy, but I still enjoy the most irrational way of falling in love with an impossible man. Yes, you all deny my theory of asking for a date to the new guy but do you guys think that he is that stupid and dumb who could not see from my smiles, over zealous expression whenever we met and about so many things I have said and written about him. Though I'm not sending a confidential and secret letter of saying what I feel, I have almost done my part saying him all I can say when we got the chance to meet earlier. And I'm least expecting of any fall out between us and as of now I do not rate him as a coward. Here again, I still thank my first love for teaching me to fall in love with the eyes of a man and notice that emotional flow in his face just like an unstoppable flow of a river.

Saturday, September 14, 2013


Things have been changed or I'm have become immune now to whatever situation happened to the home? I'm still trying solve this puzzle. When I was quite new in Delhi and whenever I heard of any gunfight or bomb blast in home, I used to get so scarred and in case I did not get through my father's office land line number, I would start crying in the telephone booth. As usual we used to line up in the telephone booth and the only thing we were confirming was that our parents and family members are safe and not among the people who are killed or hurt.

Yesterday, there was a twin blast in Nagamapal which killed nine people and hurt 13 more but I did not call home immediately. I pick up my mobile then drop it again without a reason. In the night called mom, asked where has father gone and got hyper unnecessarily saying why he has not come home till 9 pm when the situations are so bad. Mom trying to calm me down saying nothing happens here. Its too far, bomb was blast was in Imphal. While having dinner, brother said, there are two bomb blast in Imphal, I just replied to him without answering to his answer-do you still want to go home? He was arguing with me since March after parents left Delhi to visit home. I know it will sound weird when I do not want my brother to go home but may be I'm too scared with my own thought of what if something happens to them. I would go crazy and will try my best effort to stop them whenever they asked about going home. I kept saying things may get better in next year so you go home at that time, sometime I said, you can go home with me when I plan next time.

Things are worst in my place because of its being one of the most favorable place for transit to every neighboring place. Most of the news of army's operation at night due to troubling neighbor's association with insurgents, brother being questioned by the commandos are just a hearsay information to me so far. But it did really happened when I was in Delhi, except that parents have preferred to hide it from me. When my uncle was alive things were better because of his earlier association with BSF but after his death, things got worst. My useless neighbor's free lunch dream and rumors of their association with the insurgents are really giving us a bad time for the last few years.

Just a month away for the home journey. Excited of the fact that I have not gone home for the last two years but so many things are there to worry also. What if there is a general strike, what if there is another gun fight or bomb blast or another national highway blocked. In all the situations we will be like a house arrested criminal without an option to step out of the home for a week and will re-pack the bag and struggle to catch the flight by taking a route where there is no sign of protest. Hope we have a pleasant journey to home this time.

Whatever it is, home is always home. Till the last breath, we will always love it and we can't even die peacefully without worrying about our home. 

Friday, September 13, 2013

Death sentence-an end to rape?

Even the death sentence seems to be not a justice to for the heinous crime of rape. But is the real solution to deter the rape in the rape city and of course the rape continent. Recently a survey indicated that 1 out of the 10 men in Asia confessed that they have raped a women. Reason being for entertainment, boredom, to show their muscularity or so on. 

The whole mass is rejoicing with the death sentence of the four accused and deep down the line I could not stop crushing this society for which even these rapist are victims. On the one side for the rape and torture they have done to the girl, I have to pity for them even if they are burnt. But don't really need to sit down and think what make them inhuman, not even an animal. While reading the statement of the judge saying that rod has been inserted to her body, her abdomen has been destroyed and her body part has been pulled out, I could not stop my tears. I just take a deep breath, trying to control from crying and said who make these monsters? I do not really know whether they could still be judged, rectified or talked in the human language. Not even an animal would do to another animal just like they did to the girl. Quite upset for the whole day thinking what would have gone through to the parents and brothers standing in the court watching them and hearing again and again that how much they torture their daughter and sister. She has left for a better place but her family will live with such a miserable pain throughout their life. 

She was still too young and has not lived her life and I really wish she got little more time to enjoy this beautiful life which is given only once. When I lost my cousin when he was just 24 years in an accident, I kept asking why so soon and keep blaming the faith but at least in years I'm able to reconcile thinking it's just the way we live. But when someone like Nirbhaya has been killed so unnaturally, it's unforgivable for all the rapist and this society should also own the responsibility because we are also played making the monsters in our society.    

Instead of just rejoicing with the death penalty, would it be better every parents start teaching their sons to respect the women and let them enjoy their life instead of encouraging their useless man-ego. Saying that oh you are a boy or man, you can do anything. Still this death sentence is not going to deter the crime against the women, in some years it will become like another dowry law. Till now we have so many legitimized laws under which rape is not taken as a crime. All the political parties came under one umbrella while rejecting the Justice Verma commission which includes the marital rape and bringing the armed forces to try by ordinary court while committing a crime at the personal level such as rape. So there are thousand questions every women like me would ask that would rape would be allowed if it is by husband or by the armed forces.

 Until and unless when rape as a concept of man flexing their muscle power against the women and their mindset of  thinking that women can be tortured this way, it can not be eradicated. Above all these, the male chauvinist pigs who gives speeches in the form of politician, bureaucrats and leaders should stop blaming like why women are walking in the road in the night, why did they wear that kind of clothes and she is of that type of character. For instance, prostitutes sale their body for survival but even they are not allowed to rape if they don't give a consent to it. So what is the need would be not eating gulab jamum in the death sentence  of the rapist bt rectifying your own kid so that they don't become another rapist and another women. It was surprising when RSS leader addressed the mass that it was the fault of the girl why she was out of the home in the late hour? To add to this many politicians rather blame on the girl who are raped,. Same comment has been passed by our own Delhi CM Sheila Dixit, commenting on the 2005 rape case of the Mizoram girl in the Dhaula Kaun. 

What India needs to change is to come out of highly morale society where they are making human bomb who can explode any time once they are out of the home.The morale, respect and their humanity ends they step out of their home. Their respect to elders, women and other male counterparts is for show off only. What is the point when you shout from the roof top that we are highly cultural society when you can't even teach your sons to respect women, at the same time when you always ask your daughters to compromise their freedom, respect and dignity for the sake of your meaningless dignity and culture. May be India just have to come out beyond this image of being the sacrosanct country while still rated as the rape country. Better is to understand the changing society, mindset of younger and give them the space to breath and live beyond the suffocating cultural factory of rapist and murderers.