Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Why I love Manipur so much?

These day I'm so much into self-interrogation as I seek freedom within during my self exiled period. I used to hate reading news of Manipur but these days when I'm tired of work in office I used to open the pages of e-pao and the sangai express to have a small sarcastic laugh.

I never knew the reason why I miss my blood-soaked motherland Manipur. Is it the only reason that my parents are there so I wanted to go back and live there but there is something unknown which is pulling me so towards the land of extortionist, looters, opportunist, MLA's MCA's Cammandos, IRB's etc. I know if I go I will not get a space to stand and survive then why I wanted to go still? This feeling is really haunting. I do need  "a big help"? do I? Yes, I don't think no Tamil, No Mumbailite, No Delhite would ever love their state just like some middle class Manipuris does it.

Now the MCA's exam is so near. So many friends staying outside Manipur are appearing with the hope of going back home. But I was joking to my friend who is also going to appear that is it better to look out for a loan from ICICI bank to transfer to the bank account of those in the selection board or better to study? We have two choice. First one is something which some of our seniors opted. What respect come from within when you saw them siting in such post. They can only loot us. By the way, contrary to the real meaning of "respect"..what is called respectable person or position is those who are in the position to give money for corruption and get a position through it. Someone feel proud when they can lend money for corruption. No doubt there are rarest of the rare who are willing to work genuinely, but lets see for how long they survive?

Am I not had enough now of my motherland or am I being too negative.... ?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Me and the exiled queen!!

Life takes different test and you need to taste every result of it. Whether bitter or sweet its your own, you just have to swallow it, if no choice is there.

Once I live the life of a self crowned queen in Delhi. I don't worry about the world so as the world doesn't notice the existence of this stubborn lady living like a wild breeze in a corner of the Delhi. She hates her corporate job but she needs to do it to earn a livelihood. But I was happy once I'm out from the corporate shits. My world is my imaginative creation, no one dare to disturb it , except me and my dreams. I know how much my parents worried if I'm ever drown with this high voltage dreams which I don't know I can ever achieve so.

I asked myself why I'm not happy even after I get enough money and I do whatever I felt till now. No one ever restricted to whatever I do. Then I realized that its my passion, love, dream which are going against my job. Nothing to feel shy while committing the truth. Biggest mistake lies when I continue chemistry for my higher study.It gives me job and money but it kills my passion. Sometime I blamed my dad saying that why did you ask me to continue in Science. Its so boring. Oh! common I fell in love once with Chemistry when I fell for my handsome chemistry teacher but what a big mistake I made now!! I love running with my loose kurti and jeans with a piece of paper and pen as my weapon. I don't like fancy corporate cloths which suffocates me and blocks my brain from thinking.Well this is short introduction of how I wish to be liberated from everything which hold me so tightly. Now, I'm like living in the desert without water. I live like a robot in a place where people talk nothing, except marriage. How much I got irriatated when it comes of Ma-ba-bahu story..only I can understand. Just to make the situation more melodramatic I keep on watching movies like monsson wedding and how big is punjabified marrige? God bless my Lord that's all I said the girls around me start talking about marriage. Where should I run?

One woman whom I adore and wish to be was Moirang Thoibi, the princess who had defiled everything. I wish to be like her not because she married a poor guy but her guts to defile the convention. Above all what I love about her is how she bravely accept the offer of being deprived of her luxurious kingdom when she was exiled in Kabo. Then I thought she must be getting the ultimate freedom once she was freed from the taboo of being a princess and tightly hold with so many chains of obligation. She must be wondering with the feeling of  walking all alone without anyone to guard her. She must be enthralled for the first time when she live her life without any obligation. Accepting to live a life in exile is like finally you wish to seek freedom within yourself. It's a myth which I don't believe but I thank the writer who had created such a imaginative character  which every woman wish to live.

Everyday when my friends called up I used to say I'm living a life like that of Moirang Thoibi who was exiled in Kabo. My friends obviously understood what I meant and said it's just temporary. But I wish the temporary time ends soon. What I need now is being free from every chain which binds me so tightly but not the oxygen which everybody is getting free of course.

Monday, December 20, 2010

My lady comrade!!

Oh! my lady comrade
don't arrest me with your freedom
the night is too late
don't let her play
with her madness

Have not we drunk enough
with the venom of such nights?
As the years passed away
I left the world we belong to,
I already defiled our dreams

Oh! my lady comrade
Don't remind me tonight
for what I was born here
I'm caged again
within the womb
of this earth!!

Another Madness!!

She wore only her skin,
though she walked without any fear
in the roadside of Delhi

Her petticoat was hanging on her shoulder..

Layers of dust covered
her body...

Some onlookers tease her
Some "shoo her away"
Some laugh at her
with atrocities....

Lost for some moments..
in the middle of the road
I run after her
lending my shawl...

She ignored my existence
She turn back and shouted at me..
"why are you running after me
I have nothing else to give you
you all have taken away all"

Look at me
I carry nothing now?

I tried to tempt her with my sweet words
offering to accept my shawl to cover herself..

"She shouted at me again
don't treat me like I'm mad?

"for what you want to cover myself
for what you want me to feel ashamed"

You all have taken away everything
now I'm carrying nothing
to snatch by these people
I won't cover myself again

I'm not mad
I'm not mad
She return my shawl with a smile
and run away!!

Amidst the crowd
and dust
I stood motionless
with so many questions
she had hurled at me and all.

*excerpt from a victim who was found walking on the road of Delhi...

Friday, December 10, 2010

Nothing special!

I'm not writing this piece as a full of regret or heart broken story. In fact now-a-days I started hating my own poems fill with heart broken and mentally disturbed emotions. I love living now strangely these days. Neither I feel angry, bad, anxious nor too hurt and depressed. Hope I have finally erased their space from my mind and heart. Oh! how much peace it gave me, I can only sensed that. There is no less of stupid, idiots, fool, lunatics, psycho, etc in the world and in the little space you have to survive in this world. But  I cant break the head of them because it will only injure me.

Nothing special is just a word click in my mind when my friend called up as usual to complain about his ex-lover who disposed off him and get married but she is not satisfied enough, now also she is making juice of his remaining brain. Well, I'm also a good listener these days because I hate too much conversation with the people around and I face problems in communicating with them, mind you this is not language problem but brain  connectivity is very slow or does not exist , so I hardly talk but just smile and listen. What people loved talking about? Any guess? "Shaadi" , marriage, man, that's the beginning and end for everyone here. Unfortunately I have not  included that part in my dictionary as a part of casual discussion so I hardly talk to people around. I'm a quite, nice lady as known by people and it's just the opposite of what I'm!!

Asked me how much it is difficult and hard to live life without having anyone to stand besides, back, front etc, forget about God, that I never have come across. I hope its within me. Right. In the past ten years I have never visited a temple. I know I'm weird and people will treat me as a crazy but why should I is the only question raised in my mind whenever I show the Hanuman temple near ISBT where people make huge traffic jam every Tuesday and always help me to miss one class for my LLB. Why God make people so crazy about him/her or men are making God crazy, I had no idea. Let it be. Its again not my favorite topic, at least not in front of my roommate who will eat me if I say I don't care of her Gods keeping on the table besides my bed.

Sometime I felt life makes me such a great fool but I enjoyed all those experiences though it was quite tough and useless. I have never learn saying "No" to anyone. I'm someone who even wake up in the middle of the night to help a bitch who hurt me or loot me but they came back and loot again with the same weapons. Now I felt its a high and time to delete some useless numbers and people from my list and mind. So many best friends I had but now I don't see not even five who would stand for me even if I'm falling in hell..

Yes, I was in a similar situation. Two days back I came back from Delhi and as usual I have to land in Chandigarh by 9.30-10pm. Never thought I would travel in the middle of the night till Mohali all alone. My so called best friend from school called up in the last minute and said she should be going with her boyfriend of one month old so she will not be in hostel and staying in one of her friends place. Damn in this big state, I know only her, my school best friend and as far as I remember we know each other from last 12 years from now. I said nothing but just wish her all the best for the date and cheer her up because she was feeling guilty. She was happy because I support her to go for the dinner date and thank her for asking me to travel in the middle of the night all alone. I just took a deep breathe and said to myself "mom & dad" will save me. That's all I said whenever I felt extremely scared of something. I started forecasting the days when I took her to everywhere in Delhi for her job interview, waiting for her in the airport and waking up in the middle of the night to drop her in the airport. I can't even recall, I even bunk my office and bunk my classes. Such things made me sad for a moment but made me feel good thinking that I can never become a bitch.

At 11:30pm I reach my PG, eat some food and with heavy head I tried to sleep. Suddenly my best friend calling me for the first time in the three months from the day I land in Chandigarh. Starring at the number, I said this is not the first time you have been fooling me. If I pick up your call again, I will be fooling myself again. So cut the crab, and make it short. Life is short, so isn't it better for you too understand some bitter side of life? I wish my best friend a very happy life ahead with her new boyfriend. I wish you to survive through out your life with the believe that you can use people only when you need them without knowing the value of a relation.

So nothing special about you my best friend!!