Saturday, December 7, 2013

Malice of a lover!!

I thought I have learned enough to live this life with full recipe of how to protect my own emotions and to be happy all the time. But there is nothing like you will be happy all the time. In fact  that sounds to boring and deadly for me. Some moments of pain, shattered and making you feel you almost lose yourself is something push you ahead in life. Also I rather learn how to understand the deepest meaning of love and who could be the one for whom I should even give myself only when I feel so much of pain because of a malice of a lover and a friends. No one truly wants your sparkling smiles, let it be your lover, let it be your friend howsoever close he or she is. And truly it's a human psychology. What I love most about this life is that something is always changing and moving ahead every now and then.Nothing is permanent and everything is so exciting. It does not give the feelings of wearing the same old clothe and same old honey money talks. I'm someone who brutally loves to be honest and who brutally hurts everyone around me including my own parents saying what don't want them to be interfered in my own life. So this rule applies to everyone. I guess, sometime I hurt people with such a straightforward approach but I always believe they later on learn to understand what I want from my life and what line I want to draw between us.

This birthday was a very special one especially because I was free on my own birthday and not having any exam. This is the only birthday where I was living with very special emotions of being in love with the one I have dream of for a year, having that keys in my hand of my own flat and being so positive for the first time. Everything looks so beautiful for a while and I know something sooner or later will come to test me again whether I really stood by where I'm now. A bigger challenge and a bigger change in my emotions. And of course it happened. Even before I'm not able to sink into the emotions of falling in love with a guy I dream of, he suddenly has to break the bad news and of course good news for himself. What not I have done for a whole night. Spent a cocktail night with friend, talked to every good friend, every pathetic person on the earth to know what I'm thinking and what is in my mind. That's very funny part of me. Because when I choose to take decision unlike any other person, pursue a life of my own believing on the set rule of my own, why the hell I had gone to that extend to listen to the pathetic suggestions of those who can't even take a stand on their own and living a life which I can not dream of myself. I would be lying if I say I never feel lonely, I never wanted to be with the man of my dream but that does not again mean that I should keep all the time in a vulnerable position that anyone can come and hurt me.

There is nothing good or bad about this life. Except thing we could do is doing what makes us feel good. I was suffocated from a day when he almost compare with a fruit that he no longer wants to eat and I was feeling terrible of my own position and saying to myself Oh God he took me in that way!!! Sometime it's is terrible and pathetic to feel terrible about yourself but one should always cross check instead of pulling down oneself whether it is worth or not to own such comparison and such position one has put you in his life. I know love is terrible and difficult but I'm more fond of love's unconditional stand and honesty. May be I'm losing that thing to so soon or may be I'm right now standing on a terrible shoes and may be I just need to get rid of it. So I just spoke to my college friends and just asked them to catch up with me in the one of the most peaceful place-among the books and spent the wonderful time with ginger tea and lots of sandwich. Before paying the bill I just said, hey I'm beginning a new episode of my life and I have learnt a new lesson in life today so let it be called as a break-up party and let me pay the bill. What love about my friend was that so many of them are frantically calling me, engaging me and asking me where I'm and what I'm doing all the time. Everyone of them just hate to see a serious, moody and non-smiling face of mine and making every possible effort to restore every piece of smile on my face. Sometime I can't imagine a life without all of them. Missed terribly Shreema who would listen patiently every piece of my narration and absorb to herself just to make me feel lighter. Suddenly she has to leave for Philippines and we are not in touch somehow when I spend the difficult one day of this year. Linda already made the cocktail plan in the midnight, Rohit keep on calling just to make sure that I'm alright even though he was busy with his exam, Neha and Akriti were tapping me every now and then just to let out everything in my mind, Lanleima is making call and messaging me every now and then even compromising her court time. Not to forget Vijay skipping his lunch time and talking to me almost an hour and Prabha reminding me I'm not what I'm feeling now and it will be just momentary.
 I don't know to whom I should thank of this life and for so many friends who would do anything to bring the smiles on my face. Once I changed to a new dress which my friends gave me as a birthday gift and I always kept to wear when he will be here in Delhi, I suddenly change everything in my mind. I adore myself with the best thing I had today. The new make up kits, the new dress, the new shoes. And I said I did not buy this to make others pleasant but to make myself feel good and look good. Once I step out from home and catch up with my friends in the small corner of the Oxford library with so many interesting books and discussing about my all time favorite politics, Arundhati Roy, insurgency, Maoist, CRPF and north-east, Kashmir, corporate I truely feel powerful and all that pathetic and pitiful feeling seems to have drained away at bay. I thought the library was almost filled with our debate, laughter and full of positive energy. Moreover no one was judging on other though we all have different opinion about our life, politics and parties. I thought how terrible humans are, we never acknowledge the love and affection of so many people around us but we literally run after the one who would bring the pain and malice in your life. With a smile I cam e back home and I know I'm writing all the bullshits out here in my blog but this is really making me feel awesome.

Above all this night I'm again falling in love with the person I'm, again I'm that person who sets her own rule, always believe in smiling even in pathetic situation in life, disbelieve in anti ageing cream for looking alive and kicking and finally I regain I idea of falling in love again even after I thought he will took away everything I had and left me without a hope.

I know I choose the most difficult path in my life to follow my heart unlike other, without even a spot of doubt then I should no longer fear the malice, pain, sadness and moments of breaking down into pieces when it comes to falling in love with the one dream of, though I just have to be careful of the proviso that, unless the person don't have enough respect and can't maintain the dignity of my own stand, rather started thinking that I'm just an easy piece to get rid of, I should be just leaving at that moment only. There is no time in life to own one's opinion in my life.What one holds as his/her opinion about me is the reflection of the socialization they have been brought up. I'm no one to correct them and make them a better person. The one who does not deserve a space should never be wasted with a space in your life or even in your room.

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