Everything is allowed in our society except expressing what you feel. I think this is one challenge which led me to find out my first love and have even work so hard to be with him someday. Destiny has some other plan and that I do not know what is stored in future but I'm simply a happy go lucky girl now. I'm in love with my life now, hardly complaint about what I do and I do not think twice now unlike other woman but I simply can fall in love with a man without pros and cons. Finally, I'm able to identify love sans the materialistic and there lies the sense of being in love even without a bonding of a relationship. Love is all about you being happy even in the memory of a person who may or may not be living with you.
I like experimenting people's reaction when I asked them about weird non-traditional questions and I keep doing that since school days. This time I told my friends that I'm going to say a guy that I want to date him despite of knowing that there is no possibility of future for us. Just because I find him extremely handsome, attractive, charming and a good human. Everyone drop their cup of tea, no he is that kind, he is not that kind, you can not do that, he still belong to that family, that society, that community, that caste and so on. The direction of whole communication changes to a social drama; I was like watching real life Styagraha, a social drama. I got really pissed off and said why did not you object when a friend of ours married to a man without even liking him and his family just because she is turning 30 years and she won't get a suitable husband once she crossed that age. Which one is more important for you all and why are you all act like a moralist? I continue my argument saying I just said I want to express my feelings for him and I did not say anything beyond that. Did I say I'm going to pursue him, leave my job and fast unto death if he deny or if he says he does not have any soft corner for me. You guys are suicidal, why so judgmental about him just because he belong to a community we do not like it and I do not know where you all belong to. I added saying that you all will say yes go ahead if I say I'm ready to compromise and marry that guy whom I do not even want to see his face though he belong to my community. I know what is going on in the society better than anyone of you but it is just that I do not want to follow it and don't feel it worth to just jump in the bed with a person whom I'm not in love. One of them argue that what if he deny and cut all the existing relation with you and we do not want to see you hurt? I said I'm ready to accept happily whatever is his response as he has the right to make his choice and if cuts off everything with me then it's simple file work, I will add another name in my list cowards and losers. Above all once he become one of them, I can no longer have respect for him and love will cease automatically. That was the end of the conversation and somehow I'm rather affected by their conversation and decided to keep mum over the things we discussed.
Even my friends said why do you give credit of your writing and poetry to your first love and he is such a big loser. They told me about their meeting with him when they gave them a copy of the book. I said, leave him aside, he has not grown up yet. I told him I like him when I was just 19 years and till now if he thinks that I'm in hang over just because I honestly think that he was the reason for me to start writing in the late '90 then I'm not in the mood to explain to him. Whatever he thinks is not my headache now. Let him think but I honestly feel that I should thank him for inspiring me in those days, I even name my mother as one reason for writing, so what is the big D? I will not hesitate to name him as the one, from whom I learn the meaning of love, lost, anguish, pain and every emotions associated with him. I would not be an honest person towards others if he he has not betrayed me and did not make me feel that how painful it is when someone you love hurt you, cheat on you. That's one reason I always make sure that I never hurt anyone intentionally who are in love with me and I learn to show the utmost respect to the one who shows affection towards me unlike him.
After all, do you think that a chemistry student who was struggling in Miranda House to even write a correct sentence in English would be obsessed of writing three volumes of diary within the span of four years with full record of every exchange of letters, postcards and mail between us. I would never know why was love so beautiful that let walk in the rain and be with him though he stayed miles away from me at those days, if not I was in love with him. No one has got the privileged to lost in a dream and even forgotten that she was travelling in a crowded north-east train and unbeaten by the hot north summer and even smile at everyone, if not he did not pay a surprise visit before I left home. Last but not the least, I would not have been so poetic and experiment too much about it if he has not hurt me and broke all the dreams about us and moreover for destroying his own image of good boy, papa's boy. I learnt to live with the reality, I learnt to trust people after knowing and I learnt that love was for me all the time, within my heart, it does not go away with him but he was just a person who was not destined for my precious love. But I'm not the unlucky one just because he denied and cheated on me. It's him, who will be condemned by the love whole his life, not me. I learnt from him that love is the most beautiful and irrational emotion which could ever happen in our life. I know he is not an honest guy, he cheated on me knowingly, play with my emotions and so on reasons but I was crazy for him even after knowing everything. I spent 7 years of my precious life just writing about him, piling up 3 volumes of diary, thinking about him, crying about him, searching him in every face, looking for his smile in every falling image but at the end of everything I have realized that love is not about possession and after our last conversation back in the year 2005, I have never called him, even asked anyone about him though I keep writing every possible dreams of a future where we would meet again and that never happen too. Even I tore up every expectation in my life about falling in love again with any other person because of him and spent hours in the place whenever I go home while trying to keep hold of the moment where we were laughing together and he was showing his photos of new college, future plan, his new friends and I was giggling about my new life in Delhi, new friends and how much I wish to come home as soon as I finish my study to be with him and my family.
Everything changes drastically, I never gave up, but it was the destiny which has given up on me. More than me, my mother was hurt of what I went through and sometime asked me if I'm seeing someone else? I said, do not worry everything is set and will fall in place and we do not need to run after it and I just have to fall in love where my heart say so. People commented frantically to our poem as love sick poem, that's too harsh for people to disregard one's expression of emotions in the purest form. I think our poems are rather a celebration of love and it's world than being sick of love and lovers. No one in our society, especially women express their emotions, that's nontraditional, irrational and unacceptable. Love means marriage, if not that is immoral, what's moral is agreeing to sleep with a stranger by giving a name called husband, that's society's custom. Whatever stand I took till today is against this and I will do the same for the rest of my life too. I know my friends are concerned about me but I feel that it is crazy sometime if they ask me to date every good friend of mine. I wish love is something I can manipulate and love only those who would not hurt me, but this does not happen all the time. May be you can still call me crazy, but I still enjoy the most irrational way of falling in love with an impossible man. Yes, you all deny my theory of asking for a date to the new guy but do you guys think that he is that stupid and dumb who could not see from my smiles, over zealous expression whenever we met and about so many things I have said and written about him. Though I'm not sending a confidential and secret letter of saying what I feel, I have almost done my part saying him all I can say when we got the chance to meet earlier. And I'm least expecting of any fall out between us and as of now I do not rate him as a coward. Here again, I still thank my first love for teaching me to fall in love with the eyes of a man and notice that emotional flow in his face just like an unstoppable flow of a river.
I like experimenting people's reaction when I asked them about weird non-traditional questions and I keep doing that since school days. This time I told my friends that I'm going to say a guy that I want to date him despite of knowing that there is no possibility of future for us. Just because I find him extremely handsome, attractive, charming and a good human. Everyone drop their cup of tea, no he is that kind, he is not that kind, you can not do that, he still belong to that family, that society, that community, that caste and so on. The direction of whole communication changes to a social drama; I was like watching real life Styagraha, a social drama. I got really pissed off and said why did not you object when a friend of ours married to a man without even liking him and his family just because she is turning 30 years and she won't get a suitable husband once she crossed that age. Which one is more important for you all and why are you all act like a moralist? I continue my argument saying I just said I want to express my feelings for him and I did not say anything beyond that. Did I say I'm going to pursue him, leave my job and fast unto death if he deny or if he says he does not have any soft corner for me. You guys are suicidal, why so judgmental about him just because he belong to a community we do not like it and I do not know where you all belong to. I added saying that you all will say yes go ahead if I say I'm ready to compromise and marry that guy whom I do not even want to see his face though he belong to my community. I know what is going on in the society better than anyone of you but it is just that I do not want to follow it and don't feel it worth to just jump in the bed with a person whom I'm not in love. One of them argue that what if he deny and cut all the existing relation with you and we do not want to see you hurt? I said I'm ready to accept happily whatever is his response as he has the right to make his choice and if cuts off everything with me then it's simple file work, I will add another name in my list cowards and losers. Above all once he become one of them, I can no longer have respect for him and love will cease automatically. That was the end of the conversation and somehow I'm rather affected by their conversation and decided to keep mum over the things we discussed.
Even my friends said why do you give credit of your writing and poetry to your first love and he is such a big loser. They told me about their meeting with him when they gave them a copy of the book. I said, leave him aside, he has not grown up yet. I told him I like him when I was just 19 years and till now if he thinks that I'm in hang over just because I honestly think that he was the reason for me to start writing in the late '90 then I'm not in the mood to explain to him. Whatever he thinks is not my headache now. Let him think but I honestly feel that I should thank him for inspiring me in those days, I even name my mother as one reason for writing, so what is the big D? I will not hesitate to name him as the one, from whom I learn the meaning of love, lost, anguish, pain and every emotions associated with him. I would not be an honest person towards others if he he has not betrayed me and did not make me feel that how painful it is when someone you love hurt you, cheat on you. That's one reason I always make sure that I never hurt anyone intentionally who are in love with me and I learn to show the utmost respect to the one who shows affection towards me unlike him.
After all, do you think that a chemistry student who was struggling in Miranda House to even write a correct sentence in English would be obsessed of writing three volumes of diary within the span of four years with full record of every exchange of letters, postcards and mail between us. I would never know why was love so beautiful that let walk in the rain and be with him though he stayed miles away from me at those days, if not I was in love with him. No one has got the privileged to lost in a dream and even forgotten that she was travelling in a crowded north-east train and unbeaten by the hot north summer and even smile at everyone, if not he did not pay a surprise visit before I left home. Last but not the least, I would not have been so poetic and experiment too much about it if he has not hurt me and broke all the dreams about us and moreover for destroying his own image of good boy, papa's boy. I learnt to live with the reality, I learnt to trust people after knowing and I learnt that love was for me all the time, within my heart, it does not go away with him but he was just a person who was not destined for my precious love. But I'm not the unlucky one just because he denied and cheated on me. It's him, who will be condemned by the love whole his life, not me. I learnt from him that love is the most beautiful and irrational emotion which could ever happen in our life. I know he is not an honest guy, he cheated on me knowingly, play with my emotions and so on reasons but I was crazy for him even after knowing everything. I spent 7 years of my precious life just writing about him, piling up 3 volumes of diary, thinking about him, crying about him, searching him in every face, looking for his smile in every falling image but at the end of everything I have realized that love is not about possession and after our last conversation back in the year 2005, I have never called him, even asked anyone about him though I keep writing every possible dreams of a future where we would meet again and that never happen too. Even I tore up every expectation in my life about falling in love again with any other person because of him and spent hours in the place whenever I go home while trying to keep hold of the moment where we were laughing together and he was showing his photos of new college, future plan, his new friends and I was giggling about my new life in Delhi, new friends and how much I wish to come home as soon as I finish my study to be with him and my family.
Everything changes drastically, I never gave up, but it was the destiny which has given up on me. More than me, my mother was hurt of what I went through and sometime asked me if I'm seeing someone else? I said, do not worry everything is set and will fall in place and we do not need to run after it and I just have to fall in love where my heart say so. People commented frantically to our poem as love sick poem, that's too harsh for people to disregard one's expression of emotions in the purest form. I think our poems are rather a celebration of love and it's world than being sick of love and lovers. No one in our society, especially women express their emotions, that's nontraditional, irrational and unacceptable. Love means marriage, if not that is immoral, what's moral is agreeing to sleep with a stranger by giving a name called husband, that's society's custom. Whatever stand I took till today is against this and I will do the same for the rest of my life too. I know my friends are concerned about me but I feel that it is crazy sometime if they ask me to date every good friend of mine. I wish love is something I can manipulate and love only those who would not hurt me, but this does not happen all the time. May be you can still call me crazy, but I still enjoy the most irrational way of falling in love with an impossible man. Yes, you all deny my theory of asking for a date to the new guy but do you guys think that he is that stupid and dumb who could not see from my smiles, over zealous expression whenever we met and about so many things I have said and written about him. Though I'm not sending a confidential and secret letter of saying what I feel, I have almost done my part saying him all I can say when we got the chance to meet earlier. And I'm least expecting of any fall out between us and as of now I do not rate him as a coward. Here again, I still thank my first love for teaching me to fall in love with the eyes of a man and notice that emotional flow in his face just like an unstoppable flow of a river.
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