Tracing that root!

Trying to find the real the person I'm so I decided to spend the Diwali all alone. Witness the most empty road, metro and then office in a lifetime. Everybody seems to be in the festival mood. Neither I'm in the mood to play with the fire nor willing to pass a smile though I still look too happy in this moments of solitude. Sometime I called it romancing the pain, the greatest and purest one. On the way back from office while watching the silent conversations of so many living and non-living things and listening to the most heart rendering songs suddenly few unwarranted tears falls down on my cheek. I tried hard questioning why was it. It has flashed back the childhood, school time and the time I have spent in this monster city which took everything from me and which also gave me a new person in me.

Needless to say, it's in every gasp of my breathe, in every flowing streams of my bloods I do feel the presence of you. Sometime I'm scared why it has taken so long trying to erase you from the canvas of my memory. The meaning of romance in my life is no longer being with you or with anyone who love me unconditionally. It's always about you and how much I enjoy the feeling of lost in this life. Never had the guts to question you and asked you once why can't you ever love me in this lifetime. But still I feel so good with so much of pain being buried in myself for so many years and I don't know if this is the way I should feel about being in romance with your remnant.

Much have been written about you without getting any permission from you and without asking you to listen also. Everything I will take it as a gift in this lifetime and I will always enjoy catching up with those teardrops whenever it comes out without even taking my permission. I felt it was just yesterday we have met but it is more than a decade now. And we live as two untouchables of different caste today without even having a bridge to communicate. I'm not worried of my helpless feeling whenever I remember those days with you but I just need an answer to heal myself in this lifetime whatever I'm filled with emptiness without a reason and explanation. Why I have sometime become what I should not while pretending the one who is weak and miserable in front of you and your love!

Or else should I say this is another way to trace my root to love, romance and poetry and connecting to that undyeing feelings of living forever in your dream!

Nomad

where do I belong
not
in my own body
in
in my own soul

I'm homeless yet
though
I lived for years
I'm lifeless 
though
 I'm breathing for years

I belong nowhere
not
in my body
not
in my soul

I'm just a broken pieces 
sliced into many times
each of them are enjoying
with every slice of my soul
and body

what I'm ?
where I'm?

Am I that nomad
crying for herself
none will listen
none will hear
ignored cry
of century old statute!

 

Being with you..

Landslide is Kohima. I'm stuck in Guwahati, we need to change the time. I'm reaching home after the date we have talked earlier to meet at home. You know how eagerly waiting for that day we will be meeting after facing so much of inconveniences.

It's everything for me -being with you in my sub-conscious mind. Would you mind changing time? I rang up in his hostel 5 times standing for an hour in the telephone booth. Finally, the ring goes but he was not in the hostel but gone home for lairoi . What a bad luck I could not get a chance to talk to him and inform what's happening here. His home does not have a phone and same as mine since then the phone line starting from his place to my place has been burnt and dumped in the river my the miscreants. While living in a hotel in Guwahati I wrote the mail to him without any surety of when he will read and he can reply. No choice and can't complaint about this uncertainty but just have to trust in unpredictable luck.

What good time I spent with him being so close to him though we live virtually 5000 km away from each other. I was in Delhi doing my graduation second year and he was in Manipur. Still lingering on those paths of memory though it was so fragile and I can no longer hold on it. Till today I had only one wish- could I relive in those moments with him. Getting angry with him in petty issues, remembering every word he said over the phone and writing his name in every page of my notebook and jotting down everything he wrote to me in mail in my diary.

Yes, ruchell38 you have got a mail.

Your birthday is coming. Let's fix a chat on your birthday. I was excited from the two days thinking what all I will talk with him. Should I ask him how he looks like now after going to the new college. Does he change anything from the time I used to see him in the school when he drove in the evening in his cycle wearing his school dress to study English literature from Sir. I remember watching him from the window of my class but always worried that if someone noticed me and also scared of him coming to know about me. I used to literally walk away from him whenever he was in the school. May be he will get to know how nervous I'm whenever I saw him even from a distant place.

Well, everything was part of my story I have only shared with my diary in every night after I closed my books whilst watching the moons and smiling at her. I told the moon with a smile, I'm in ecstasy of his love! I will let him talk to you someday and he will be sitting besides me holding my hands, playing with my hair just like evening breeze would do. That day you will look so beautiful..

Sometime, the taunting call from mother disturbed my thoughts about him. In an annoying tone I always replied to my mother like I still have lots of things to study. My diary which I bought it from my friend's shop was the most special dairy, it was from that time I started to write poems in Manipuri. I wish I had that diary with me. That will be source of thousand other poems in my life. I only know how does it feel like living with a diary having so much of stories and love for someone who does not even know me. How sad I was especially when his smile drag me every moments of my life towards him while I was living helplessly in that tiny room of Delhi living with a big dream of becoming someone very independent to fulfill my parents aim without a string of hope of meeting with him someday. I thought his dream will make me a looser and distract me from fulfilling my aim in life. So I teared off every page of my diary and burnt it off. If he ever read those innocent stories written in that diary, would he be one of the most happiest man ever. Till today, he made me the most romantic person without filling the gap in my heart with any clutters and today I'm a writer because you are the one who taught me to feel the love, pain, anguish and hurt for the first time in my life. That flow of emotions will never end till my last breathe. That's the source of my writing and truly you are the poetry of my life.
I know it's late you should go. He would always tell me but we always wait for each other to leave the cyber cafe first. The bitterness of Delhi winter was not enough to stop me from chatting with him till 10pm in the night. Oh! how sweet of him bearing the hit of winter till 10 pm in a lonely cyber cafe in home where no one dares to walk after 8pm. It has been years from now and sometime memories are even fade away so easily, I could no longer hold on it. It's in that September you went away without even saying a goodbye. I don't know why I'm searching for your smile in this big city among the crowd with the hope that we will meet someday and we will be spending another memorable days in this life hiding away from the peeping eyes of the world just like we always did. I'm not tired yet on this long wait. It's the unpredictable faith and the mysterious destiny I'm trusting till now. It makes me disappointed every now and then though I always believe like we met in that July just after the Kanglen, you will come someday to fulfill my promise to the moon to watch her sitting by your side in your courtyard and wishing to her....

Cage..

Thoughts somersault in your wave
Adhering to be freed from your cage
it's in your cage I celebrate my freedom
It's in your wave I swim embracing the death
It's in your love I dwindle towards the heaven
Embrace me once before the heaven took the nest
It's in your love, I breath with poison
It's in your arms, I would one day rest with peace..

Life is not lying more eggs: We are not chicken

On waiting...

"Waiting for someone or a friend is something I hate the most. I know it's a bad habit but I do"

Once someone told me when we were about to meet a years of my waiting. Who knows the pain of those eyes who tirelessly watch his photographs even within the dim shadows of the lamppost on the road. I only know how painful it was just living on a hope which will never become a true. Didn't I try to calm the beating hearts of someone else saying that hope is something which makes things easier and lighter. But that's not the truth. Ask me to know the truth, how this one decade seems to went away from my life without even releasing how it was gone.

Once I was madly in love with the man of my own imagination. Almost seven years of hibernation in the love nest and suddenly I wake up with the feeling of hurt, distrust and never be serious attitude. I know I made so many mistakes hurting the one I should not be. Shedding the tears of the one who had loved me truly. I know he lied he never loved me but if I'm in his position I would say the same after whatever mistake I did to him. I know I'm insane for whatever I did to him though I have always complained about the one who hurt me brutally and let me think that I can't roam around in this world with an innocent heart and romantic mind. I don't remember a day, I was not romantic and feel passionate about the feeling of life. Feeling of life includes all, the love, hatred and the lost...

As the time passes everything seems of coming back without any reason. Again it is not a hope or expectation rather it is more about renunciation! This time I'm travelling another thousand miles with an excuse to meet him and make an apology to the one whom I have given a bad time once. I'm going with a baggage of smile and ask him if we can ever be friends. I know how much I long for the one I want to be with once but it was all about remnant and nothing is figurative. Though unlike earlier I will go with another empty heart and mind without asking anything to return from him. Rather I will be more than happy if he ever smile at me without a string of regret and take me back in his loop. I have not got what I want in life and that's not existing in real too. In fact, he is much better in my illusion than the real one. But this expensive journey would be another mission to bring at least 10 watts smile on the face of the one whom once took me as part of his life....

Hope the long wait will come to an end with this September and there be another beginning...

Beginning and the End

Let this be the beginning of an end!
I'm so drunk with this night after a long time. It is so special, I can't even waste it just by laying down and dreaming for some untrue hopes. Hope which has lost its meaning, the relation which I seek to belong for this lifetime but never have a knot to tie with each other.

Wishes put me into anxiety, dream without a truth kept at illusion of this life. Why I have so much for the one who has nothing for me, not even a crook smile. Life is sometime selfish and I feel I'm victim of choosing always "what I want" not like others being the one of other's chosen one.

Today, I wish to sit near the window of my study room and watched the moon. I somehow connect to you at those days where I would dedicate every word spring from my heart to you. The mark in my Table, the anticipated letter I would be sending one day to you are still hiding within my heart and soul. Everything looked so beautiful with you but you have never existed in my world till today. In every man I have come across, I have started to search you and identify you but I'm always failed.

Life has taken tolls over this life just for falling in love with you. I have never regretted till today, waiting to the bus stand to get a glimpse of you and watching you sitting in the school lawn from the windows of the school. I owe every credit of my writings to you but you would never know in your life that there is somebody existed in this world who gave you credit for everything she has acheived without even knowing you.

Beginning....

Midnight blue left bruishes of hatred
Though the moon conceals shadow of memories
Whilst we played shamelessly like Adam and Eve 
Abandoning the whole world 
for another beginning of our love....

Kathmandu-Pokhra journey

After months finally I went to experience a long vacation in the lap of beautiful Nepal. The two days fun of team building in Kathmandu, trying out new hairdo, new dresses and make up. It was a nice feeling to look myself adoring so much after a long time without bothering of returning home soon, attending classes, office and so on. The end of the fun in Kathmandu excites me more as there as another extended trip to Pokhara, a most visited place in Nepal for its untouched beauty.

The sunrise in the Sarangkot valley made me feel like I was in heaven. The clouds flying beneath the mountains, the river cutting through the arrogant and adamant rocks to make their ways to meet the seas of origin. It seems like the place was like just another painting, just an imagination from a famour painter. The clouds slowly uncovered the ranges of Annapurna mountains. It's snow enveloped looks and a trisul seen among the green hill ranges was another peice of nature's gift to this earth. Sometime I could not believe how can it be so beautiful. The scenenic beauty and the warm gestures of the people almost gave me a reason to miss home.


After the visit in the Sarangkot valley, we were ready for another series of excitement of travelling to so me famous cave but I didn't enjoy much as I hate the wet dark places of the cave. But I was truely enchanted with another place just near our hotel. That's the beautiful Phewa Lake. Crowded by tourist but still it was much cleaner than any of the lake in India. There are certain things I like about people in Nepal, especially in Pokhara. They never try to contaminate the surroundings with polybags and throw anything in the lake unlike irresponsible Indian tourist which dumps anything in their baggage to anywhere.

Well, the excitement never ends and the next day was all about thrill, fun, scary and memorable one. It was scared to see the flow of Trisuli river while we were driving on its bank as it's flow was quite fast and sometime it's wave was too high. Finally on the way back to Kathmandu we have reached the place from where we have begun rafting in the Trisuli river. Before starting we all took a deep breath thinking that whether it is safe or not. I enquired the guide who is going to take us for the ride about the deepness of the river. He said it is 100 feet. Then I just prayed, save me from this journey to be back at home safely. Six people in one boat were trained for a while by the guide how we would sail when there is a wave with his constant advice of when to put the pressure with our paddles in the wave or when to stop. It was a 10 kilometer long drive in the river Trisuli. After a long time I got the opportunity to swim and freed myself, of course with the life saving jacket. It was another kind of meditation, floating in the water and shouting as much as you can.

to be continued...

Here I come back to you!

Here I come back to you
with a bunch of yellow pages
paint with your stories
from a decade old diary

to re-write
another folklore of our love.

Here I come back to you
embracing insomania
singing your goodbye lullaby
in every dyeing midnight

lamenting on
your sudden departure.

Here I come back to you
with this scattered
petals of red roses
disowned and dried

on a valentine's day
celebrated alone

Here I come back to you
with this nocturnal dreams
of painful nights
without the stars and moon to shine

Here I come back to you
to relive on
this "nothingness"
collected and recollected
from years
without you and your love.

Then

Then

His smile was sealed forever with a lie.

His laughter have lost its true colour.

then and then

His heart was like a desert, without a spring of love and eternity
Oh then

He was remembered, the poorest man of the world

then and then

In one autumn season, he was begging in my doorstep
then

Nothing was left to gift, not even my tears
He return, holding only his empty hands

then and then

the saga ends

Love laughed at him, stating him, the poorest man!

July

Everything remain the same
The monsoon
Never fails to visit
This July rain
Quarrels like wayward siblings
Annoying my thoughts!
The muddy roads of my home
The overflowing ponds
Those tiny insects playing
Hides and seeks
Behind the green herbs and shrubs
Everything remain the same!
In every Monsoon
In every July
Except you have
Changed and gone!
Every July I counted
For my lucky day
I repeated my prayers of decade old
Holding thick ropes of the temple
Anticipating just for your sudden visit
Just happened in that gone July
Unlike the monsoon, unlike July
You never return
Disrupting another seasonal flow!

You and I

May be another creation
May be another day-dream
Would lost in a blink
Do I care anymore?
Whether you exist
or you left?
Where you live
Whom you make love
Do I ever dream of?
No, not again
You are always love of my life
You are always a king of a forgotten story!

Always be my poetry!

The moon looks much bigger
The woman with a baby on her back
Plucked fruits for us from the moon!
The field looks much greener
The wind was naughtier than ever
Playing with my hair
Flirting with my hiding smile
Just as you would do..

The distant hills looks  more like snake charmer
The solitary reapers dances for us like the angels
And we, more like Adam and Eve
Abandoned the world just for our love..

Look again
The rain is coming to us
rinsing away what I'm hiding
Inside my heart
Inside my soul..

Here you are
Pouring like unstoppable raindrops
Turning my life to a poetry

Now I'm sure
I won't let you go this time
Caged forever
Inside my heart
Inside my soul
Like my poetry
Like another unsung song..

An affair with myself!

I wish this thirteen year long of one side affair has come to an end! Do I really wish to leave it now also, I'm not sure about. More I become more possessive about everything I dream about him. Everything I search about him and the meaning, the feeling of joy and lost! Every unknown face I only search for a smile which he won't even recognize himself. He won't even know now how this illusion of me has an impact to my life, my writings and my dreams. Whenever I start doing something what I begin is with a sudden nocturnal visit of him in my mind and the shadow of his smile.

I never wish to be near him, I no longer hope this dream come true. No one hope when you are already into a dream. Everything possible, you get what you want here. I have every kind of soul conversation, sometime I feel the real you does not bother me any longer. 

I really do not know what you may think about my friends giving you the book I have written but I have nothing at end. No message, no invitation. It was just part of my dream which I thought I should do. You have another taboos for me and I'm trying to hide it from so many years but I could not do for so long. 

But what I wish to stop searching for you in every face which come across in my way. I know there is a new world beyond you but how long will it take for me to start with a dream and a new canvas to paint you will never realize in your life.

People said you are a very lucky person because I owe so much to you without even costly "thank you'. But I think people are selfish. They can not own whatever they do as their own, instead of looking for some return. I never expected for a phone call, a formal thank you or a happy ending of this one-sided saga. I called it one sided because I never included you in my own dreams and imaginations. Whatever I have done till now it is my own choice and to satisfy my dreams. There is nothing in fact I can return to you for so much you have given in this life being a subject of my dream and keeping always calm whenever I dream of you. Of course, no one can smile without being so happy from inside, that's you who make me smile everyday. What else I can expect from you? Hope you will enjoy reading my poems or have you disown this bunch of my dreams? 

But I will never forget the day I bought my first diary in school, the day you just come across my way, the day I came to realize the moon was really beautiful! The school, the bus stand would be just another place no one would like to go back  and take a look. Those places are not just another place but I built a memento my of my dreams and hopes. 

Do You Remember!

Questions are problems of life especially when it has no one to answer or the person for whom the question is raised, is just your imagination such as an I-Man!

My wayward thoughts landed me into many romantic spots of imagination where I fell in love with a man whom I watched it from a limited distance only and later he become just an illusion or a creation of my own! Alas! the feeling is so beautiful and so painful! No one can even guest of falling in love with one's own creative illusion!

But the fact is that the "I-Man" of my life does exist in a superficial form. Sometime I love him madly, sometime I hate him in a cruel manner for his stagnant response and only flesh worn facial expression captured in his old photographs!

Though time flies faster than my memories I have lost all the grudges which protect me so far from being in love with this I-Man. Now I took a U-turn and back to romance with him in a beautiful romantic spot of my heart! Except that this time is without any frustration and expectation! Life taught me to own the one I created and not to give it away, that is my love for him. No longer it belongs to him; it is now part of my breathing and a way to oxygenation to my tired corpse after a long salvation of living this life.

How precious this I-Man in my life even he could not ever find it out unless I reveal him. I never wish to be a writer because they are not as hot as other professionals. I never wish to be a poet because they don't understand the reality. But one day I-Man suddenly come across my way and since that day I did what I hate to be. I bought my first diary to express my feelings about him. I wrote my first poem in Manipuri while I'm studying in my reading room and seeing the moon from the window pane. Wow, I still cherished those days I spent my time with my I-Man in my imagination, playing around the banyan tree in the moon and we started to dance as the moon swings in her rotation. I never recognise what he has given back to me by abandoning this beautiful feelings in my heart. A set of beautiful writings and poems and it rectified me every passing moment of my life to be a person with full of life and love!

How many sleepless night one can owe in this life? how many night you can date with the blue sky adorned with the moon and stars without his thought waking you up in the late night. How would I ever open my diary if he has not come to my life? How would I would ever write a poem from my heart if he possessed it since the day I met him.

How many is of you are as lucky as I'm to be honoured with your first love coming to your home to pick you up and go for a short drive. I break the rules and I wrote the stories in every page of my diary. I was not truly happy and ever smile truly from my heart before he come to my life. Can you ever imagine or paint my crooked smile when he was standing besides me? I was in heaven and can you ever feel the beauty of that moment where your love is sitting in front of you in your gate only and you defied the rule set by all by watching the man you love in your gate only. Aha! I still mesmerise with the thought of him coming again and standing in my doorstep and calling me across to walk away for a short drive.

Well, this is the beginning of my dream and my poems. This is where I originate as a different person since than he made everything as an illusion, but he is so unsuccessful with his own attempt to abandon me so far. He is always in my mind and I always write what an I-Man would do if he was with me. Here, I paint every imagination of him in poems and stories. My diary still witnesses every passing moments I spent with him in my beautiful world and now I owe it as mine.

Though I wish not to take whole credit of his contribution to my writing, I argue myself whether he exist or not after a decade long transformation. I know even the untamed rocks are softened by gentle touch of the water after a decade long struggle. But I'm not sure if he does have a heart and am I successful to tame his egos blended in his blood. Is he still the motionless flesh embedded in a human body without the flow of the blood and emotions? I'm not sure and I'm going day by day trying to know him without a link to reach him.

When my book got realised and won the award I first remember him and thank him for forcing me to write and change the person I'm. Before I closed down the chapter of I-Man and my romance with him in so many unknown places of my world, I wish to convey my regards to him for returning me so much without even receiving the unconditional love I have for him.

Again, I leave it the faith as I no longer believe with human mind and of course his heart is unknown to me. I don't wish to portrayed the love of I-Man as meaningless by expressing to him if he is not the real one. If he is the real one, faith will take it and make him know the fruit of his credit. If faith does not take me there to offer him the credit then he is not the real one and I'm safe in my own world with my own creation or illusion known as I-Man!

Tattooed with Taboos

Our book Tattooed with Taboos has won the best production Award for the year 2011 in the Imphal Book Fair Manipur. This book is organized by National Book Trust, Raja Rammohan Roy foundation, Imphal and Kolkata Library.
Its a great feeling and I'm so glad to share this news as everyone. Thank you so much everyone for the support and encouragement. Our heartfelt thanks to Oja Saratchand, Oja Lokendra Arambam and Oja Soyam Lokendra for so much of love, encouragement and help.