When you linger on your old memories, when you open an old diary you are different, you feel different, and you are in a different world. Your old memory was your love only.
It may give you tears and pain but without it life will be meaningless. When I open my diary of early 2k, it surely made me cry but the emotion was so true and pure. NietherI could afford to buy it nor can I feel it again. I thought my soul is too contaminated now. I’m in search of that purity in my soul. When I re-read the poem which I wrote for him after the school, sitting near the window, I was with him again and floating in his world. I thought I’m still talking to the moon and sharing my dreams about him as I always do in the late night.
I still remember waiting for his mail for long hours and chatting for hours till late night in the cyber cafe in the foggy nights of Delhi. It was an unforgettable day in my life when I talked to him for the first time on phone for hours, I could never forget his voice, still his voice keep my soul alive whenever I remember those days. Whatever the reason it may be but my love for him was true and pure. I could never lei that I didn't love him just because he is not in my life. Wherever he is now, I always wish him for the best things in his life.
I still maintain his photographs and could never gather the courage to delete it from my inbox but I never wish to open them and look at him, it may remind me of his negative side. I don't wish to keep any bad memory about him. It was most difficult task in my life when I tried to forget him. But life goes on like this. I had to move ahead along with that pain in search of another meaning of this life. With time he lives as a shadow in my life. Sometime I forgot to notice him but somewhere he does exist in the deepest corner of my heart.
I could hardly remember how much I love him, never bother to make him understand too, never give an effort to forget or remember him but I forgot to feel the same feeling of love for another person in my life.
I still feel that somewhere I owe his love. But till today after so many years, I got only one answer to my own queries that we are not even a stranger to each other. Neither I bother to hear about him nor is he interested to know about me anymore.
Why do this feeling of apprehension come up to my mind, which says he is not the one I have ever waited for years and spent sleepless nights weeping those meaningless tears just to hear his voice again. I'm able to hear his voice again, I able to reach him again but never had the courage to speak to him and see him though he stays so near to me.
I wish, I could still wait for him in the bus stand after the school, just to get a glimpse of his smile before I leave for home. I still wish to feel that anxiety which I used to feel when I could not find him near the Bus stand. I just wish, every now and then these feelings of nothingness always fill up my hollow heart which you left empty years back.
Written on the night of 31st December, 2005 after I wish him for the New Year and to make another promise to look ahead in life without him and his dreams.