Coding with a name??

Some friends including women brand me and Shreema as men-hated feminist. And this is something really funny and sometime annoying for the fact that giving an appropriate answer to a man who unreasonably show off his male ego is not an anti-men and this is not called a task of feminism. My way of calling a woman a feminist is not about asking the men and society that "I want to be like man" but simply asking don't encroach my space, let me enjoy my womanhood. I never wish to be a man, simply I don't have any intention to hate every man though most of them are not worth of loving.

It's a vague allegation that feminist hate man and they are against the man ideology. But the fact that feminist are the only women who can love a man without attaching to any social and material benefits. The only woman who can love a man for what he is; without looking for a gain and status is a feminist but they will never compromise their individuality and that may be a threat to most of the man. But branding them as man -hated bunch of women is a false implication. So far I set free my man to walk away from my life without even asking him to stay back for a moment when he chooses a different path then it does not mean I hate him or do not want to be with him. It's simply giving space to someone to enjoy their own freedom of taking a decision, I will never bind a man with few teardrops, blackmailing or whatever, that's beyond my dignity and that will disguise my concept of being in love. I believe in setting someone free and I don't believe in showing off to the world and society in large that we are together for a decade while they are not even together within four walls of the room.

Nowadays its a trend a husband and wife saying each other "I love You" and I miss you in Facebook and other social media. And literally I wonder when they even write they had wonderful sex in their marriage and this is how people are so obsessed of maintaining their image as so called lovely-dubby couple when they are pole apart even in their bedroom. Once a friend called me and we were seating in a restaurant to catch up after a long time and after 15 minutes what he started was about how his wife is nagging him and he being in trouble as he can not divorce her and from next day onward I stop taking his call but I still show both of them doing all kind love you honey in Facebook. I don't understand the meaning of such marriage and even maintaining a relationship of such kind. Why I hate such type of men is that they don't even have the respect of the woman whom he is sharing a bed and who else he can respect in this world? And I don't see any point of even sharing a conversation with such men who would open their mouth to criticize their own wife.

When I'm fond of someone or even in love I can not hide and it's very obvious from my behavior towards him. People are so conscious and so judgmental when it comes to someone telling their true emotions but how hypocritical they are when it comes to showing off. My concept of feminism is living in a world where I can freely express my love and saying freely to a man that I owe him my love without any fear of judgement. In school, I hardly interact with boys in my class and they all branded me as men-hated women. But I left everyone with a stunt face when they came to know that I asked out for a coffee date to my senior, who everyone thought of belonging to a different status. And everyone judged me as dominating girl who did something odd and out of tradition. When we broke off after his two-in-one theory was unfolded, everyone judged me again saying it was ought to happen instead of understanding my emotions of being cheated. When I confront everyone said why you had to do since you have asked him out. This is how the world judge when a woman choose the one they love instead of giving that decision only to a man. That's contrary to what pseudo-intellectuals thinking that feminist are male-hated group. And first of all demanding for a equal right and space does not mean shadowing the existence of men, rather than asking men to swallow their ego and give the space to the women that has been unnecessarily occupied by them.

Well and good. I don't mind some men even thinking that I hate their male chauvinist mind who claimed that men and women are not brought up equally and so it's justified to look down woman. I'm rather in a safer space if they hate me too. I know to whom I can fall in love and I do tell them for sure that I do owe my love to him; I will keep on telling whoever I fall in love and that's my concept of feminism where I will not have any fear to be in love with a real man!

Of politics without women!

I live in a super power country which is secular as written in constitution but people are too religious and even killed each other. I live in a country where women are put in a very high regard as according to the Shastra, the holy unused books but thousands of women die every year in the dowry death and some of them are even killed in the womb only.

Truly said by Indira Swaney that in our country caste is above the women. This country's politics has not included women as a part of the country. Lets take an example of women reservation bill still pending or blocked in the parliament. Some half baked intellectuals will argue now men and women are equal so why there should be a reservation. Only answer I can give is that do you know darling how does it feel like pre- mensuration syndrome and how much it pain? Simple reason is that a politics, a law which do not embrace the basic needs of the women can never be a complete politics and a complete law. A man howsoever good or gentle he is he can never understand every need of a women so as the requirement of women politicians, judges, police. Thousands of rape cases are never proved because of the male police atrocities when the complainant come to file the case. Most shocking case was one the rape case in which Karnataka High Court giving a mitigating factor to the accused saying he is already married, have children and have served the jail for two years then shockingly concluding that the parties have come to an agreement. Was rape a contract where an agreement can be brought between the parties by giving some compensation? This is where how even the law exploits women, which is believed to be established for protection of the weaker section of the society. Now the whole country will support both educated and uneducated BJP/RSS baby and its terrific leader as Prime Minister of this country. I'm not interested in Hindu-Muslim politics and it's beyond my understanding as I don't believe in belonging to any of the religion. For the fact that I would rather eat both pork and beef showing by distasteful flavor of belonging to both Hindu, Muslim or any religion. But I will not forget what RSS commented to the rape victim of Delhi being her own fault and attacking of the pub going girls in Banglore and of course the famous pink panty campaign. 

When it comes to suppression of women all the religion, all the politicians, all the lawmakers joined hand. Because it is not even secondary. What's making BJP a all time crying baby is that since Independence they have always been defeated by congress. I can bet everyone that they may bring down the rate of dollar, may end the corruption but will surely put veil on our face and the women of this country will see the doom day worst than we are seeing now. How can the whole mass of this country support or even not say a word when a bloody old men commented that women should not step out of the home, the whole problem arises when they do so and even blame the rape victim who was brutally murdered. 

What kind of development will happen to this country when even after the 67th Independence day, we still don't count women being a participant of the society rather than treating them as their subordinate and helper?  Of course law is male, politics is for male and for the good reason, no men will stand up for the rights of the women, on the funniest part they will never suggest to build a women's toilet in the highways! Huh they will still say how would it be possible for women travelling to a highway. This is for men and we don't need a toilet when there are so many standing trees waiting for us to give us a shade. 

This happens even from the pre-independence era where women folk who have initiated the demand of women's voting rights have been outcast as being nasty while the whole country was demanding for the Independence from British. That independence British has granted was for a country and for the men and their freedom, perhaps we remain in the same position as those colonized people to our men, our family, our society, our culture, our law and our politicians! 

Of a smile which never die!

When I get really tired and really surrender myself to my body, I simply wish everything around me looks as beautiful as his smiles! We don't talk, we don't communicate, but somehow I'm still hanging on every moments where he would pretend something from smiling and I would suddenly followed him with a crook smile without any reason. Life has given so many reasons to be worried, so many reasons to be defeated, many of them came to break me into pieces, left me with tears but somehow I have managed to reconcile myself to gather all the broken pieces at a place. And he came at a time when I was all conquered by fear of losing myself and leaving with nothing but every broken pieces of hateful memories. With him I learn nothing but to smile without a reason. May be that's the only thing I needed to learn at that time -just giving an effort to bring a smile on my face. I really could not find a reason to smile, everything lapses in front of me and everyone makes me feel I'm that loser and no one come and tell me where should I stop crying. I thought everything ends finally without leaving a hope of living on my own. Why was those bad days, why was those unfaithful people and why was those faithful tears, came together at one time only and tortured me, I still have answer for none.

Well, time changes everything, it's not like earlier I used to meet him everyday, had to rush for the day and catch up with him but still I try remembering his smile only. And simply there is no other reason of doing so, neither I wish to fall in love with him nor I'm dyeing without him, it just that his smile carries that magic, even by remembering him suddenly bring that moment where I learn smiling from him at those hard times. And I suddenly wish if he asked his usual question "why I'm laughing" just to excuse himself from smiling in front of everyone with or without reason known to everyone.

I know there is huge difference between us, a huge gap of ideology starting from the idea of nationalism, what he loved and what is he ready to fight for is something that can never be part of my ideology but best part is that we respect our own space and give due regard to that. I never cross my limit nor he does while he shows his affection to me without a dot of doubt and without any ill-feelings. Everyone accused me why did he give you more importance than us, why did he always agree if you ask him something and simply how come you know he does not take tea and he will be wearing a white shirt today! First time in my life,  my guess come true and I left everyone with a question mark. That was the fun part. But with due regard and respect to everyone's question, I will still rate him the best person, best human I have ever met, the one who do not hesitate to say what he feels is right, the one whose face for the first time I could see the human emotions. I was in love, in hate many a times but there I could never see any true emotions in one's face. Everyone of them looked so dull and fake. May be these are few things that pulled me sometime to walk alone in that lone corridors where I used to wait everyday of his coming and of his going till he walked beyond the fathom of my vision 

This memory has no end, it ties with nothingness, it bypassed the flying waves of time from it's attempt to erase what it acquired so hard. What we had was an unnamed love, affection, admiration, respect, a dignified relationship of comrades which seeks nothing but an unaffordable memory. A memory of two people who just love smiling across the empty corridors, across the crowd and sometime while seating alone and basking to a memory lane, without giving a reason, without answering anyone. 

Beloved!!

What's in the name? Exactly I'm questioning with myself from so many days why suddenly I'm so much in love with this word "beloved". So many things in mind and I keep on thinking when I'm travelling in metro, sitting in office bus and sometime alone with a cup of tea in the office corridor. Want to write a memoir of the home, the beautiful land, green fields, about those migratory birds in Loktak Lake, my beautiful childhood with my cousins and about those lives which are uncounted and lost in a blink, of those friends of mine in govt. school, whom I'm no longer in touch and a life without competition.

Have lots of friend now also and they are exceptionally good to me but still somewhere in the corner of my heart I still seek for a kind of friendship that I used to have with my school classmates in govt. school and my local friends. Their life was obviously without a career, competition and a dream to be success but apart from their love and simplicity, I could never feel anything else when I was with them. Whenever I go home, I usually switch off my Delhi number and used to hang out with my locality friends. One thing which make me so good is them saying you have not changed at all and that makes me feel that they still take me as one of the girl with whom I used to spend whole my childhood. Series of friends from different schools, colleges, Universities, job and so many but I rather miss those cute friends in the school.

In my last visit to home, met once my best friend Gangarani, still the chubby and talkative girl who used to do my homework whenever I ignore to do. She used to stand in the back handle of cycle and I used to drop her till her home. Life made me sometime too selfish and mean too. Have not asked even once after school how is she and never visited in so many years but life has changed the chubby girl to a someone who has to challenge every difficulties even from losing her father and had to bear all the financial burdens of family while working as a teacher to the same school we have studied.

And about Sangeeta, one of the most beautiful and lovely friend I have lost after my school. Met her after a long time when I was in graduation 2nd year in Miranda House. She could not recognize me with my change in the size, of course and I was almost shock to see her with two kids when she was so young. Lost with words I just hug her elder daughter and said make her studied till the highest degree. She understand what I meant to say and I said sorry to her for not even asking about her marriage. After I got so much engaged with my secondary school, I have lost contacts with all of them and most of them got married when they are not even 20 years without anyone to guide them and for them getting married was the only option they could see for future. Followed by another story of scandalous elopement of another classmate Roshini, believe to be one of the most beautiful and every boy in the school peep through the broken wall just to watch her but she too had the same faith.

Starting from schools, I was never fond of boys usually, its always a ego clash for me but when we met now they just smile and say you are a grown up girl now. We still remember you as the simplest and cutest among the girl though most of the time you ignore us like we are too bad. It was told by the guy against whom I report to the Principal for dancing on the teacher's table and make him penalized for a week. He proudly said to me congrats when I stopped by his shop to buy black petrol when there was economic blocked. He said, I will fill your scooty with the good quality petrol though I mixed them with kerosene. Everything seems just like yesterday how we used to fight in the school and now they took me as somebody in a different zone and that makes me more uncomfortable. He told me, I saw your book release picture in the newspaper, you are too famous now and it is written so nicely about you. I just told him, no one appreciates as much as you guys do and I felt so sorry for the fact that somewhere I also ignore them. Their thoughts never come to me and I didn't even count them as friend. When I look back all my invitees in the book release function was only from my teachers and friends in the private schools. I thought how come I have become so selfish when these friends still love me so much and still think that I'm one of them.

Whenever someone cheat me or hurt me, I always thought I'm getting it because I ignored one of the best friend/person without his help I would not even complete my secondary school. That's my friend Santosh who would wait for me every morning, evening and whenever I want him to be there for me. Even my boyfriend would never do that and they would not sacrifice and encourage me for my study as much as he did. In school days, he almost took it was his duty to take care of me as I'm the only girl among them to cycled for so long. He would even dropped me till my home though he was tired and hungry after the school. Waiting for me in my gate sometime in the early morning for the tuition and sometime waiting for me in the school gate for hours till my practical class gets over, I do not know someone else would ever do that in my life. That was not the end, none of my high-fi friends came to pick me up when I went to Bangalore for IPR course in National Law School. He came without asking him twice, picked me up, make the most delicious fish curry for me, introduced me proudly to his friend and said you know all friends know about you because I keep on telling about you. It was sometime too much for me to see so much of affection but he never change what he knew about me since school days and till today he hope we will be like those good friends in school.

He always kept his promise and it's me who always ignore him, even avoiding him to meet when he was staying for two years in Delhi. I don't know why I even hide from him in those days. I realized the fact that I was too afraid about what people talked about us. Once a too good friend and now he shifted to Delhi and he being so fond of her since school days. Moreover, I was afraid of hurting my parent's apprehension since school days that we might start seeing each other. That's main thing which kept me away from him. No doubt I was selfish responding someone with such a cold vibe but I could only say I was stupid. My friends in Delhi told me that what I did to him was wrong when he was so good to you. Still I find it too hard but do not want to remember the phase I used to ignore him without his fault. That's true that my mother do not like him as she saw him being drunk, flirting with girls, eating pan all the time and moreover his excuse of often visit to borrow my school notebooks were one of the most annoying thing for my mom. She thought he was trying to please me too much so that I fell for him. But mom did not know that I was already in a gone case regarding one of the most manipulative man I have even met till now. After mom got to know about the manipulative man when I was in 2nd year of graduation, mom like him so much when he visited me but we were already at the verge of fading a lifetime bye from each other. Well that's a history, I no longer want to talk.

But I lost the most beautiful people in my life. And this time I promise to visit the day I land home with a beautiful gift for him and I'm ready to say a series of Sorry. I hope after this write up I will feel little bit better and I know how hurtful it is when someone so close to me ignore me without my fault and I think I did the same to him. I wish I could go back and correct my behavior and enjoyed with one of the finest friend I have ever met. Whatever it is, this time I promise to myself that I will agree whatever help he asks from me-as he is already asking me to promote his coaching center and I'm ready to teach chemistry now for him. Whether I meet other friends or not I will make sure to at least make him feel that I'm always his friend and will always be there for him. It would be another trial for me to re-install his lost faith to me.