Wednesday, April 10, 2013

In an agreement with myself...!

Gone crazy with so many heavy duty work in office. Reading patents more than I can do as the timeline ticking next week, exam in the corner, PMS heating so hard every month and my anxiety and tension mounts so much. Everyday, I thought of reading at home after coming back from office but it's an impossible task. But why I'm writing when I can utilize this time in sleeping? Good question I know but this is a way I let myself feel that I'm alive, breathing and kicking. Nine hours confinement in the AC room of corporate among the people of different era and civilization. Everyone looks like a group of species to another world. It's all about money, marriage, making babies, faithful husband, cooking, washing and faking professional! No one of them talk about life, ambition, news, politics and etc..everyone of them looks like a dead body walking on battery to me. Nothing different from the robots. You can't be angry, you can't be emotional, you can't be loved, you can't be hated, only thing I don't know is what can be done!

Wow I'm a survivor it's almost going to be six years I'm living in the corporate world. But the only thing which makes me alive is my extra curricular activity. My LLB, catching with friends, attending my favorite class, eating pasta with friends and talking all those very human talks about love, relations, crush, hate, anger with those whom I shared a space to live.

Fighting with own's emotion is very difficult when it is involved with a person who is not emotional and who knows how to live without emotions and how to fake emotions! Well, I don't want to say this but I wanna get his thought from my mind right from the beginning only. It's not about blaming myself or him but it is just that it is not worth to think further and I know everything was stupid and truly worthless. Suddenly he pop up in my mind with his funky face and I'm like I'm gonna kill you! Seriously I don't want to kill him but it is just the way I fight with my own thoughts sometime so that I give a reason to get out of it and think something emotional, sentimental, worthy and lasting! I thought I can be like him, de-attaching my emotions from every conversation we have and every bond we try to build just to break but rather, I could not do but hurt myself for small issues, which I find very irritating in my own nature. I know I'm mature, I can handle it and in fact I don't care but some non-sensible thoughts rather attract to him sometime. That's where I'm stopping myself saying-It's a bog NO!

It's not about seeing an end, a destination out of every emotions I felt but rather escaping from another mess which I will create for myself. He is clever enough to escape from his own emotions, in fact he does not own any emotions for others, then why would I create a mess for such a person? It would be rather troubling myself and as confess to one of my friend what I felt about the whole situation, I will no longer talk about him and it's a forever bye-bye situation for us now. We won't get another opportunity to catch up with each other and I know we will not convince ourselves to dedicate time for each other. Rather it's a time I focus on my favorite class in faculty, at least I will score a good mark in my favorite paper :)

I would say this is the agreement I'm gonna have from today onward!!

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