De-toxification!!!!

So tired beyond the limit. Brother's admission, phobia of shifting room, urgent projects in office, exam just a week away, not getting time to sleep, Delhi traffic taking away half of my time in a day, bad ass ex's mail popping up in the inbox, becoming vulnerable to the man like street dogs and last but not the least- falling in love with Mr. wrong in the wrong platform.

I know I can't control expression in my face. But there is one thing which makes me wonder whole my life is that no one has ever asked me the reason why I'm so happy when I can not hide my smile but when I do not smile everyone is like why are you so upset???? That question instigates the thought that I'm trying to ignore from a while. I don't like whatever happened in the faculty yesterday. At least my friends should know the joke before the class and after the class. I do say a lot about my fondness about the professor for whatever reason. But I attended his all classes till now because of his honesty to share his knowledge and of course for whatever reason I didn't compromise my study in the class. Already beaten up with so much by the Delhi traffic, took almost two hours reaching from office to faculty and suddenly saw some scene I don't like at all and trying to escape from the scene I'm provoked with much welcome question why do you look so upset? I'm so sorry for reacting so badly to my friends but what I could do? I'm left with no energy to explain, I was seeking for just a moment of solitude and to be with myself amidst the crowd and noises.

Next drama was extremely an unexpected one that blown up my temper irreparably. Sir suddenly saying in the class that your friends are laughing by looking at you. To my surprise I reacted as do I look like a joker? First of all no joke was going on and question paper discussion was going on.They could have hold back their laughter for a while instead of making him so obvious of what we talked about him outside the class. First of all even if I do talk all non-sense before class, I have never crossed the line and gone beyond the ethics of the platform he stood. That's certain thing that I would not want to happen from my end and that finally seem to happen and he making a point was that he does not like whatever it was beyond the ethics of the classroom. 

While laying down on my bed I was thinking  why I have become so reactive today. The main reason was that from the past two days I'm not sleeping for even five hours after the bad ass mail popped up in my inbox. I was telling Shreema, I literally feel like asking the bad ass what he wants now? But then even replying the mail or asking would be like keeping a contact and that's what they want too. A week before she have been haunted by that bad ass at home and I'm here virtually. I don't understand the logic behind they are doing. We being too busy with our own life seems like a problem to them and oh please I'm not going to mourn in your departure. I have been writing for exam on the day he got married and I got the highest marks beyond expectation. I have told you many a times to stop worrying about me and don't even think that I will even get angry with you. I'm not selfish to hide my emotions of lost, anger, sadness... but I'm not even left with such emotions for you, forget about affection, love and care. You proved yourself as a looser to me and to the world and gone to live in hell with a stranger for the sake of your parents. I don't have anything other than saying that please consult your mommy,daddy and the society of course whenever you are not satisfied with your life or wife instead of sending me mail. I'm not an antidote for detoxification to your life.  

Well, I do need detoxification for a peaceful day to start. Treated myself with my favorite breakfast and doing some dance steps of Shakira even in the kitchen. Time to study and there are lots! I'm starting to count the number of books yet again :-)

Those thin lines...

Those thin lines are very difficult to visualize and explain especially to those who has lived a life only shown to them by the world.

The difference between dream and imagination; love and attraction; sex and making love;  falling in love and falling into a pit for a lifetime. I'm condemned especially by some folk of the women for my fierce opinion about arrange marriage or compromise marriage. I don't have a bad opinion but I just said what I felt about it. The simple logic is that I can not share a room, of course a bed just because the society sanctioned me from today onward. Who is the society? 

What about the human feelings? Marriage is like buy and sell custom and a contract. If you can give baby, I'm ready to feed you with my money. Huh! How does it possible to love a man just because you are married to him? Even the dogs choose their own partner, I guess.

For some friends my personal life is a Pandora box, most of the time they are curious of the fact that they do not see me with a guy watching movie, roaming around the garden and so on, the way world has you expected when you are in love. 

One of my school friend told me just a day before, it's already too late, you should get married and feel the joy being with another person. I simply asked her how and to whom? She said, if you don't have anyone, we will find a guy. I said, I don't anyone to kill in my hand. You know better I have never share my space to anyone whom I can't fall for in love or at least fall together in hell. I know I can waste seven years of my life crying and lamenting for a man who has nothing to do with my life. I can ruin my life nurturing those painful moments and recalling all those sleepless nights and remembering all the worthless man in my life. But at least I will be alive and living with my own emotions, without letting anyone to encroach my space to love and hate. 

I'm beyond and not among those women who are forced to marry by the biological clock. One friend message me few days back, women getting menopause in the age of 29. I said just chill yaar. I still have the option to live in my own flat with a lovely adopted daughter and four dogs to take care of my security. I can not marry to any X, Y and Z without that zoobi-doobi feelings about a man. Of course, I was using my favorite quote

 "Every man dies for a winner less war, why I would not I die searching for that eternity of love even in the heart of a wrong person.I foresee million more defeat but I will no longer be among those million tribe condemned to die every moment without love" 

Yes I meant what I said. I can not live the same life as the generation my mother has lived where women has to get married because they are a burden to their family, they are getting old, they got a man with a high salary or rich guy to have a secure future. That's more like lending my life and womb to a man whom can afford my life. My life is beyond the concept of lending and borrowing. Whether I live it or waste it, it does belong to me and no one can perform their part on my life. The above mentioned criteria are no longer required in my life from a man. So only reason I would marry a man and give precious space in my life is that for zoobi-doobi factor and for a companionship. 

Simply because my biological clock is tickling away I would not lend myself in the name of marriage. No one will know the happiness of those lonely nights and chatting with another loner like me -the moon. Better be alone, dream, write, cry and embrace this lonesome journey than hanging a rope in my neck and try hard to run. 

It's better to fall in love thousand times and have thousand other heartbreaks than be falling in a pit called marriage without a way to return with a Mr. wrong pretending to be the right one!!!

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another face off 
followed by a long silence 
without even a mummer 
of consoling 
how broken I'm today
knowing the real you 
impregnated with 
just a pretentious smile...

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I need not write
your name in a poetry 
I need not sing a song 
tracing you
amongst those buried one
long before 
you claimed 
to be my lover 
in a night
when you were not you...

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without a string to pull us back
without any unseen mystery called love 
we relived another unclaimed moment
and that has no name!

another untitled!

I wish I can bargain this night 
for an eclipse 
to conceal us 
from the peeping stars 
and the moon
for a midnight 
that never falls!

In an agreement with myself...!

Gone crazy with so many heavy duty work in office. Reading patents more than I can do as the timeline ticking next week, exam in the corner, PMS heating so hard every month and my anxiety and tension mounts so much. Everyday, I thought of reading at home after coming back from office but it's an impossible task. But why I'm writing when I can utilize this time in sleeping? Good question I know but this is a way I let myself feel that I'm alive, breathing and kicking. Nine hours confinement in the AC room of corporate among the people of different era and civilization. Everyone looks like a group of species to another world. It's all about money, marriage, making babies, faithful husband, cooking, washing and faking professional! No one of them talk about life, ambition, news, politics and etc..everyone of them looks like a dead body walking on battery to me. Nothing different from the robots. You can't be angry, you can't be emotional, you can't be loved, you can't be hated, only thing I don't know is what can be done!

Wow I'm a survivor it's almost going to be six years I'm living in the corporate world. But the only thing which makes me alive is my extra curricular activity. My LLB, catching with friends, attending my favorite class, eating pasta with friends and talking all those very human talks about love, relations, crush, hate, anger with those whom I shared a space to live.

Fighting with own's emotion is very difficult when it is involved with a person who is not emotional and who knows how to live without emotions and how to fake emotions! Well, I don't want to say this but I wanna get his thought from my mind right from the beginning only. It's not about blaming myself or him but it is just that it is not worth to think further and I know everything was stupid and truly worthless. Suddenly he pop up in my mind with his funky face and I'm like I'm gonna kill you! Seriously I don't want to kill him but it is just the way I fight with my own thoughts sometime so that I give a reason to get out of it and think something emotional, sentimental, worthy and lasting! I thought I can be like him, de-attaching my emotions from every conversation we have and every bond we try to build just to break but rather, I could not do but hurt myself for small issues, which I find very irritating in my own nature. I know I'm mature, I can handle it and in fact I don't care but some non-sensible thoughts rather attract to him sometime. That's where I'm stopping myself saying-It's a bog NO!

It's not about seeing an end, a destination out of every emotions I felt but rather escaping from another mess which I will create for myself. He is clever enough to escape from his own emotions, in fact he does not own any emotions for others, then why would I create a mess for such a person? It would be rather troubling myself and as confess to one of my friend what I felt about the whole situation, I will no longer talk about him and it's a forever bye-bye situation for us now. We won't get another opportunity to catch up with each other and I know we will not convince ourselves to dedicate time for each other. Rather it's a time I focus on my favorite class in faculty, at least I will score a good mark in my favorite paper :)


I would say this is the agreement I'm gonna have from today onward!!

Being a sister, daughter and a substituted mother...

Terrific weather and feeling the most nostalgic moments of life! Life is a treasure we should keep on exploring and its excites me when something is so unknown and unpredictable!

I got frustrated when I'm engaged with so many things then I ask myself what I would do if I'm not engaged? That's another frightening feeling-life without struggle and a meaningful journey and nothing to remember, nothing to hold on for a day in future when you can't do anything but live with the memories of those day!

It's not all about praising myself but I need to, I can't wait for the whole world to stand up and clap for me for whatever I'm managing in a day in just 24 hours!

Just reading Femist legal theory and doing so many things simultaneously. Asking youngest brother to revise for tomorrow's entrance test and cooking also. Standing and inclining to the kitchen wall and reading Indira Jai Singh's feminist theory and telling myself-the making of chutney of feminist in the kitchen!!!!

Well, can't help it what to do. I took charge of the responsibility of bringing brother's here in the wake of killing of  a pregnant woman and another person in fake encounter in 2009. Not a single penny in pocket and not a single moment to think and plan, I told my father to send them to Delhi, while my brother's career and life was in danger! It's really scared to remember June 23, when Rabina was killed with her 9 month old baby inside her womb in the middle of the market in Imphal. Followed by a general strike and suspension of schools and colleges in Manipur and it continued for six months. It must be the longest one in the history of the world where educational institutions and lives of lakhs of students are negotiated with the govt who gave a deaf ear for six months.

Never imagine life would be so challenging. After brother have come I have to screen every activity I have done earlier, staying away from poetry group and midnight party,singing and drinking. But that was the best time, we all have realized our feeling for a burning home called Manipur and start writing. Without that phase of life "tattooed with taboos" will never come out today!

Of course, a worst time for love-life too! Was myopic and blind , whatever people wants to say but I was in love with the most horrible man I have ever met. Always hated a man who is pretentious, loud, show off, attention seeker and ugly but I imagined something else in my mind and in love with my own imagination. One fine day everything broke up and I started to focus on my life, my hobby, my talent. Sometime, I told my friends that men are of great used in life! They gave me poetry, they make me realized the value of my life, they show how worthy I'm for this world and of course how honest I'm with myself and with the rest! Being honest with other's is not difficult but being honest with self is more important and through out my life I fear only for one moment. That's standing in front of a mirror and feeling ashamed of what I'm! I don't care till today what the world say about me but what I care is only what I'm in front of myself!

Well, living an exiled life in Delhi for almost 12 years, I'm still confused whether this land belong to me? Whether the people I met here belong to me and does they take me as one of them? But with time I have started feeling that I've become one of them. But I still long for the hills, green fields, the worrying faces of people, strikes, blocked, my school, teacher, parents, neighbors and everything about home! Have been almost one and half year, I have visited home and it's like I'm living a life without a soul. Missed those scents of the soil, the rain, the clear sky, the stars, the moon, the stories of so many happenings in our locality.

But above all these, there is only one thing which keep me alive all the time in Delhi. That's my law faculty evening classes and friends out there and some good teachers who are dedicated. Some teachers just come to show their face and take attendance and some came with a heart to share their knowledge and that's something we would carry in our heart too. With time love, attraction and so many things happened among us but at the end of the day we distance each other with a big NO!! Everything sounds interesting and I always pray when my LLB will finish so that I could read, write and rest but now I no longer wants to leave the faculty because of the year long attachment and some great friends.

Coming back to my brothers, sometime I feel like they are problem in my life and they are obstruction to my way to do what I dream to, then in a deepest corner of my heart, they are my gem, my heart and dream itself. I have never been tired of hard work, struggle and never lack of enthusiasm in life just for a dream to give a better life to them which I can't live in my childhood. I had to suffer the lower middle class joint family miseries and seeing mom crying in the abuses of aunts and grandmother! Terrible to remember those hard days? But time is the best best judge, it always do justice with everyone, of course not the Supreme Court when it comes to life and it's karma!! Today my mom is the most happiest mother and the strongest woman I have ever met. She is illiterate but biggest educationalist! When I was a kid and I'm not reading, then my mother would repeat her patent dialogue "you know how difficult it is to survive without knowing a script and when I have to take a bus I would not know which bus is going where and I'm like blind and deaf!! Do you wanna live like me?'

Next moment I would think and start dreaming of getting a car for mom and dad, sending brother's to the English school, which I can't attend in my time, when my father was busy focusing on his  sister's big fat marriages and performing the responsibilities and fulfilling the liabilities. Sometime I argue with my father, why are so obsessed with your sisters and look at them they don't even want to spend a rupee for you when you compromise my career and life while being busy in getting them married! My father would say nothing, just smile and say you should be a lawyer, you know nothing but argue and you know how to win over it!

And my friends, I don't know how my life would be without Shreema, Linda and Lanleima. My life is truly living, breathing and kicking because of the these three most beautiful, intelligent, talented, honest and terrific women. There is something I realized in life that I must have done something good in past life so I got them in this life. There is nothing I can hide from them and there nothing I can't share with them, even about stealing a kiss from a man. Best part of our friendship is that we cry for each other, we got angry for each other, we support each other, we love each other and moreover we never compete and we never judge each other. In these days when people are so corrupted morally I would not find a person whom I can be myself!

Everyday is a new day for us. Started with teasing with each other and with my one liners everyone of them break into laughter! Let the life go on and let the age count on but we would never loose our youth, smile, laughter, honesty and love for each other. They are my strength and sometime oxygen to survive.

So many man come and goes from life, with time, their memories erased from my mind but through out our life, we really proved that there is good people, good friendship and good life without a man too. We have never felt the vacuum of not having a man in life. When we have we enjoy our love life but we never compromise our friendship till now and it will remain forever!