Madness of many dreams !!

Nowadays I'm always dreaming about so many good memories. About love, lost, smile, memories of beautiful people who once was with me and sparkling moments of togetherness. Life never leave me alone without a reason to worry or excitement. Some people has a smooth and boring life in life but I never have a smooth road to get anything in life. Even falling in love cost everything for me. At times I feel that what a waste of emotions and time but I did the same mistakes. And I never learnt and could never become practical about life. Still I'm carried away with this life's roller coaster ride of love, relation, hatred and fear of losing someone close to you. I thought I'm the only one who fears the phobia of losing your love. However, the world love is never too beautiful and exciting without knowing the taste of heartbreak and some drunken nights end up with a missing day celebration. There was a time I missed somebody so much I used to get up in the middle of night just to cry having no other option. I always assume one thing that he must be feeling the same. Some dreams of being with the one whom you adore and admire remain unfulfilled. But they never stop you till today drawing you in their dream where you can rest for a moment forgetting the rest of the world and nagging of so many relations around. 

Some relation are for few moments only. Even if you do not want to end them it slips from your hand and you just could hold those droplets of tears in your hand as their memories. Some relation has no explanation of why we were together when we have nothing to be one. We just met just a stranger, we talk, walk hand in hand but share no dreams. And here comes a day we become no one for each other. Every single moment dies in front of our eyes, we walked away without even looking at each other's eye which hurled so many meanings. Why we made every relation so complicated and why we become such a hypocrite that if you do not gain anything then you can't love someone selflessly? 

In life, I'm never stunned by why one become a beast, a prostitute or a fallen woman as the society named them. But I'm always stunned by the woman who gives a moral judgement to other woman and they think that they can be a queen in a man's heart by selling the dignity of another woman. Giving judgement is so easy but understanding a woman and her broken hearts and dream is something one could never think of doing. Why woman always talked bad things about another woman. Why they feel that they will become good in the eyes of a man if other woman are bad? Being good or bad is not the criteria to be in love. But being true to self and having no double face is the way to win a heart. The other one of the girl was narrating to another that her friend having extra marital affairs and how bad it is. I wonder and pity that one should never have a friend like her who behaves like a parasite and could not be trusted. Where she saw a benefit she started talking about the another being fallen one. What should we call about the person who is taking benefits of people those who are fallen or bad one according to them? People are the scariest thing and I wonder if they know better before speaking about anybody's life. I wonder if she could ever try her friend's broken dreams and shattered moments which led her to involve with another relation out of wedlock. It is easy to make judgement but one should first learn to love and know the joy of being in love, hurt, ignorance and cheat by the one you love. It must be so easy for some woman dreaming that they could trap a man with a tongue twisted conversation but let me tell you the truth. It takes to win both his heart, mind and stomach to be in love and relation. Pleasing someone's ear is easy and some man may prefer to polish their ego by some dumb woman but please ask them once what actually is love to them before you pass your judgement. 

Becoming a woman ?

Life is a big circus where everyone around you tried hard to trap you from every angle in life. If my mind is free then they want me to stop thinking, if my long hairs are playing with the morning breeze then they want them to tight at its base and if you are a woman who wants to live a life of your own, dream and die for your dream only then they call you a selfish lady.

Yes, becoming a woman from a girl is the hardest transformation I have ever achieved. I missed those days walking anywhere I want to reach without a burden and expectation in my head. Life has trap me from every corner. Parents trap me saying that it is my responsibility to provide free food, free education and accommodation AC room in Delhi for my brothers who has no urge to dream and achieve something in life other than sleeping. To fulfil family's dream I cut every dream of my life into pieces to make it bearable. That's not the end. Finding freedom in where you work is impossible, corporate culture is extension of old colonising system, where your senior always make feel guilty of what you are and they make sure to feel that you only deserved what you get, so don't expect more.

Well, the every step of life is challenging and it's never easy to make people understand what kind of person I'm but I never wish to bow my head in front of them to understand me also. It is not my job to tell a man what I expect from a man since I do not want their free shopping in the mall, taking me in their car, expensive gifts etc. Only thing that wonder me till now is that there are some man on earth who do not know the value of the woman who has given a new direction in their life and she made him part of her life but only thing he could thing about it is that she is probably desperate to hang on me. One thing I have learnt from such selfish people is that no one in the world should not be treated unequally. There always come a dog's day and they still walk in the street like a lost dog without anyone to bring them home. Love is powerful and those who gave it selflessly are the most powerful people. One may exploit them, used them and thrown them out of their life but they never live life without a hope. It is always like a season to them and when there is a spring it again blooms like other seasonal flowers.

Becoming a woman was the hardest struggle in my life. It demands to forget myself and love others but it could not be the rule of life. There was a time I hurt myself because someone hurt me so badly that I was left with no courage to move on. I waited every night with my phone walking aimlessly in the trace but there was no end to it. I did not accepted the defeat but I realised that it was not worth. I did not move on but I learn to love myself rather than giving it to someone who would never know the meaning of love by default. The only changes I could bring in my life was that I learn to fall to love myself. I made my choices, rather than people enforcing their choices on. I keep writing in every pieces of paper to find out myself. Now onwards it is never a choice of other how I want to live but of choices to fall in love with one I want to be, to remember those memories which left with a everlasting smile of this lifetime without a bonding. And to live now for myself and him for another journey in life where we could only nurture a life of "ours" without the dream, expectation of how the rest of the world wants to see us. 

Corporate blue and my wayward siblings !

One thing I always pray in life was that if I was only sister to my elder sister. I never admire having a brother since from the day one my brothers due to discrimination by my grandmother. Seeing my brothers pamper beyond their control was irritating.

I do not know when I will get my freedom back in life. It is losing hope and day by day I have given up in all my dreams. Dream to spend life in home, work only for 4-5 hours, sing and dance just like no one is watching and write the rest of the day. Every night my eyes were in pain and I had to sleep forcefully just to make sure that next day I could go to office. At times I have started thinking that why I'm earning when no one even bother about what I have dream about them and how much sacrifice I have made for them. My brothers have become like a parasite to my family as they grow up. Till today my parents compromise their way of life just because they want to see their sons in good school,college and a successful career. But how easy it is for some people living like a parasite and still blame the others. There was a time my father do not have money to spend in my coaching and I had to say him I could study alone just to make him happy. But here is a pervert son who spent 80k in coaching and almost a lakh in school and then he said he could not study because everyone scolded him. I wish I have the courage to disown them and bring an orphan instead of them. After all who cares about another once they are out of their way. Better option would be that you adopt an orphan and make the life of someone who knows the value of other's life, sacrifice, money and dreams. 

I do not know do they even have a dream apart from taking money from sister and father, day dreaming of becoming someone big as in Rajnikant Movie without studying and doing everything they want to do without any hard work. They would never know it was truly pain in the ass driving cycle for 20 km a day and going school and then reaching Delhi without anyone's support. Again it is a heartburn, when you are made to sacrifice by your parent's blackmailing that your brothers should be made a "big man" so you start working even before I could give the final year exam. I wonder what are they up and what I was thinking in those days. I know it was dreamy, beautiful and full Hindi film family drama. My foot ! A film always based on a terrible mother on torn saree and handsome son with elite class girlfriend, a sacrificing sister doing everything for her brother and finally they abandon them on the roadside. But still the history continue though I'm not in a position that no one could abandon in the roadside. 

But who cares I'm still in the circus of corporate world where I met everyday so many people who holds so many degrees and studied from so many famous institute unlike me but still laugh at the sexist husband-wife jokes and so many sati savitri around to judge our character. Every morning is all about seeing so many frustrated with fake smiles in the metro who can kill each other for a seat. I don't mind seeing them everyday but for what ? The purpose has become very useless when you have all your wayward siblings only mean for your money and support to their perverseness. At times, I wish I had no siblings, apart from the burden and pain, I could never share with them momentd of happiness in life. Whenever I saw their face, I started thinking that they are the reason I'm here in corporate and living with such a shattered dream without having a moment of melancholy and loneliness. 

I have lived for so long with such a dying dreams of getting rid of this corporate blue but still I have to bear for few more years till I could get rid of my own wayward siblings. Only thing I'm doing is for my parents miserable thoughts of giving them a good life but I wonder if they could ever understand about success, hard work, sacrifices in life apart from being nasty, pathetic, and selfish. Now I no longer wonder about their career but rather about their humanity and being a good human who can understand poor, love, affection and sacrifices which a human must have to be able to differentiate from animals. What I do not want them is becoming another frustrating face in metro whose worth of life is just for getting a seat in Delhi metro !

Struggling with the life's melodrama !

I do not know life is really tough for me and is it the way I look at this life. Everything seems like a failure at times. No one seems around when you really need someone to hug and cry. And it looks so crowded at times, I'm left with nothingness. Is life really good for others who has nothing to worry about money, family, brothers, sisters and parents ? Or is it the nature of human that we always find a problem in our life ? Questions never stops coming at my mind and I always run after the answers which rather thrown me into another illusion of so called happiness. My own stand, ambition and affection seems to have trouble myself and I own willingness to become selfish always end up with a bitter feelings about myself.

I know there is no solution for my brother's careless attitude and my sister's child like nature even at an age when they should be able to stand on their own. I lose my patience and they made me truly crazy but I can not think of living my brother in a situation like Manipur. No one could say anything what will happen tomorrow to any person in Manipur. I do not know whom to blame? They tolerate my tantrums and my anger but at the end of the day I can't leave them at hell though I know they should also come close to the reality of this life. And I know its their duty to know that they can not always depend on me for years but leaving them at this stage is not a solution. It is difficult to find good people who would come to help but there are lots of them who can turn our life to hell in a given minute. My brothers make blunder which drives me crazy but I have seen them making more horrible decision in life whenever we abandon them with our care and family value. I have nothing to gain from whatever I'm doing today and what I always dream is all about my parents always wanted to see their all kids living an independent life without depending on anyone.

Life's melodrama keeps unfolding and it never stops. I have no option but to deal with it. Sometime its boyfriend drama, its brother drama and its my own drama. What else I can do about it. From every side I have to play this melodrama of life. If I don't play well it will unwind me to somewhere I would have no return.

Only thing I need to learn is about more patience and more energy to deal with it. 

Seeking an answer !

Why some people are born heartless? What turn them to become so selfish and shallow? Why they even feel that they are punishing the one who has done everything for them by destroying their own life. No one could understand the pain until they are injured and no one will appreciate what others have sacrificed their own life, career, ambition and everything until the sky falls on them. There should be a limit. Now I'm going to draw that limit. You can’t be good all the time when you are insulted and humiliated just because you are good. You can’t love a person any longer when they lost the value of your love and cheated in your emotions. No one is forbidden to choose what they want in their life but if that is at the cost of someone’s life and dignity then they are bound to pay for that. I'm no longer surprised about the science and its invention but about insensible people who are born heartless and shameless. One can be mad and insane but they can’t hurt their own so much that others lived in his pity.

Life was never easy for me from the day I was known to this life. Every stage was a struggle to survive and live a dignified life. It is harder when you are bound to live in a heartless city like Delhi where no one cares about another human when there is no money. I live with a dream to providing the minimum comfort one could give to their parents and a good education to my own siblings, from which I'm not going to gain anything and return anything. I have managed to survive every hardship just with a hope that at least they will make a good career and lead a good life unlike my parents had struggle. But some dreams are meant to be broken when it is attached to someone of your own and they are too selfish to see anything beyond their devastating dreams to destroying himself and rest of us.

Everyone come across the age of teenager. Everyone falls in love. Everyone gone crazy at a phase when someone you love thrown you mercilessly out of their life. But that was never the end and an excuse that you hurt the one who had not lived just thinking that you will live their dreams. One turning back years later and seeking for forgiveness to the one whom you have broken into pieces are not the only solution. Who has not been cheated in life and has not faced the hardship but that doesn't mean that you destroy everything around you. You cheat yourself and your own people. I wonder if turning back the clock of life would be so easy. I wonder I would have lived my own life and never worry about others and I wish I was a selfish and insensible too. May be that would have made them a good human. Giving them everything I had and leaving to live my own life and sharing everything I got was the mistake.

I would accept that the sky is never been blue. It is just an illusion. There is nothing like good people and sibling relations. They are just illusion which bound you for no good reason. Every relations end the moment one forgets to respect the other and one start mocking at others dream and hope. Everything must be easy for today’s kid to throw their tantrums to others and blame others. I'm not sad but rather surprised with the fact the how could someone of my own could be so insensible. How can one still think that they still owe something to me when they destroy every dream of mine? How can they expect that I would stand by their side when cut off every existing bond among us? I wish I can rewind the gone ages, I wish I could be selfish and insensible just like them.  I'm tired of this whole game of relations. I want to walk free without a bond, affection and love. At times it’s better to be a monster among the humans than to be a human among so many monsters.

Broken into pieces !!

You don't need an enemy to really destroy your dreams and broke you into pieces! It's your own siblings, your own relatives and the one you loved more than yourself who would break you into pieces. I'm not exception to this rule. I thought I could build a family where everyone will love each other and respect one's sacrifice and emotions. It is even sometime ashamed of what you see in your own siblings. I always dreamt that I will give them everything I could not get it in my time. Sending them to good school, best coaching centre and good life which I could not afford during my school time due to financial constraints. But I think I lived for so long in illusion. I tried to gather every broken pieces many a times and given them so many chances so that they realised the value of what I have been supporting to them till now. I want my parents to feel proud of each one of us and make them live a peaceful life. 

When my youngest brother scored more than 80% in tenth exam, I was on top of the world. More than my exams, my life, I gave everything to give him the best education. I spent all my earning to them just to see them as an independent person because I know how it is to be someone who have nothing in their life other than empty vessels. I know how does it feel to be hungry and having no money to buy your own food. But with such a shame I have to accept my own failure on every kind of sacrifices, effort and emotions I have invested on them so far. I always feel that they are my life and their success will be just like my own. But My brothers seems to lost their own humanity and I lost my faith on them after breaking me, my parents expectation in pieces. I remember submitting half of my salary every three months in the coaching centre just to provide him the best coaching in Delhi and best school. Now they turn the table and show us the way that it's their life to waste it and make it without even realising how much pain we have suffered for so many ears. It was never been easy financially and mentally to bring up two teenage brothers in Delhi. It need lots of sacrifices , not only my money but my personal life, career, ambitions and many more. What is a human when you forgot to respect the emotions of your own parents and sister. And it is totally ridiculous that at the end of the day they blame their own parents and siblings for their bad temper and scoldings when they broke them into pieces. I can't recall any longer my parents enjoying a movie in a cinema hall, going to theatre and shopping for fun. They sacrifice everything they earn to live just to facilitate them the best education in Delhi and what they return to them is broken dreams and shame in front of everyone. If today's kids are going to behave in this way, it is even better no one should have their own kid. Better they fed those hungry one in the roads and provide education to those who want to live their dreams. 

Today I felt that I failed everything in life after so much of struggle, sacrifices and effort to see their dream to come true. Rather I would have been selfish, enjoy my life watching every weekend movie, buy the clothes from Zara and even throw my salary in a dustbin instead of spending on their education. At least I would have felt better thinking that I didn't do anything for them so they have become like this. What a waste of emotions and years I have invested on them. More than myself, I feel bad for my parents and I feel sorry for them that they sacrificed so much for them. Better they would have enjoyed their life and let them live in footpath, the way they deserved to be. Today I lost all my faith on them, I don't know I could restore that again to them. I don't mind breaking my own expectation and dreams but I can't forgive them for playing to my parents emotions. They have no rights to make them feel guilty of having them as their son. 

I have no grudge to them but only my pity that I could not respect their parent's emotions and they feel that it is so easy to play with them.