Monday, September 30, 2013

Why did my neighbor vote for non-congress in last election?

It's election time. I hardly watched tv but as always obsessed with print media and it's fun to analyse the election politics rather than the politics itself. The only young Gandhi in Congress trying to be radical when he is born only to be a chocolate boy while Modi or sweetly called as NaMo by his fan criticizing the already rotten congress just like we are born yesterday and he is the one who gave the light and vision to see the world. None of his campaign has no plan and proper propaganda of what he will do other than criticizing congress which has nothing left with themselves. Would have been more happy for a PM candidate looks little wiser, sober, authoritative, honest and gentle rather than dramatic, mix with jingoism and focus more on unnecessary issues like "DEHATI AURAT".  I think country scores 30% of poor population of world, would have appreciated more if focus is more on resources, sources, human development of the whole country rather than focusing on Gandhi and Congress.

 Let it be. I can never have affinity with RSS baby for being one of the most sexist party and the one who will focus more on bullying than bringing a civilised society. Of course those who are in corporate and hate inflation cutting their throat by the present govt will think he is the alternative. But of course not for me, for the sake of the freedom I wish to enjoy as a woman and for the people I wish to live in one society without a divisive politics. I can never forgive a political party who even blame a rape victim and always give antagonizing comments to the sexual assault victims, even counting on the recent comment by the ninety year old Mr. dirty Ram Jethmalani. Of course, Modi is supoorted by those who does not count women are part of the youth or the politics or country, and about the women crowd who supported him and our pathetic Malllika Sherawat, I do not know what they are but not merely a woman. I'm born and brought up in a place where both Hindu/Muslim and major tribal groups inhibited together. Till now there is no communal tension apart from small misunderstanding between the younger and in future too I don't dream of a Muzzafarnagar, Gujarat etc. So my choice has been very specific, better I don't vote but not BJP.

Just going to the memory of last election about my mother told me why did my neighbor vote for the non-congress was only reason that she need money for aborting her baby who was dead inside her womb. Before I was shocked to hear that news and I was in dilemma since I was caught up in some bloody argument in the Facebook with some stupid, royal intellectuals talking about those who took money for voting as prostitutes. I said why did not their family vote for Dr. Ratan when he did so much unlike previous MLA. One thing I love about my parents is that they always give me space to argue and if I'm right they do not hesitate to do what I said. When there was another candidate contesting against congress, I thought they must be a better person but they are rather uneducated business mafia, looting the people in his gas, oil business from last 20-30 years and now he has enough money so he can stood up. At least Dr. Ratan was a Professor in the Manipur University and I know their family has problem of entertaining their own people and channelizing the govt funds to the family member but he listens, try to adapt with the people's around him. There were many times I did not let my parents to go for campaign work whenever I get upset with the Congress bloody politics, still imposing AFSPA and of course my close association in a time with Eche Sharmila when she was in AIIMS back in the year 2006.

The recent supreme court judgement was an overwhelming for a voter like me who do not wish to vote by choosing a less evil one. Of course if I vote I will use that button only whole my life. Coming back to my neighbors, after few days of election and election result, I called my neighbor saying I'm so sorry to hear about everything and it was a way to calm down the conflict of interest and tension created between all of them because of election. One by one I called up and talked to them asking why did you get angry with him or her. All was because of the election and then I gave a long lecture starting with a line 'you guys are so useless and dumb". I could imagine my cousin's red face. I'm thankful to my association with them, till now none of my cousins, uncles and aunts can reply with a damn answer if they are wrong. The most saddest part was the reason for voting. I said why don't you guys collect money to get her to the hospital instead of taking money from the candidate and it's you people selling yourself. Then I was too hurt with what was happen and too upset with some people talking about clean politics, good politics when they do not know how does it feel like when one is being kicked in the stomach, here in her womb. My neighbor hardly earned an income of Rs. 200 per day. Once they used to work for us but by now we stop with our business and their family do not even have money to buy one kg of rice in a day. On one side I was very upset with the people who are talking bullshit in the Facebook when they have not seen life of any poor person other than taking photograph of poor and selling them, on the other hand I was disturbed by the misery of the family which forced them to take the money. In my argument in that night, I compare the job of that Professor or any other job as that of prostitute for calling those who took money in the vote as prostitutes. It was too outrageous and insulting for him but I'm not regretted with what I told because for those who can't understand a simple language and underestimate people, I have no other way to make them realize other than telling them in their language only.

With time another election is coming and I could witness the festival season in my place. The poor will have the meat, drink the best wine, eat the best meal of their lifetime when there is an election. You and I can think of clean politics, good politics but lets not ask a stupid question to those whose life revolves around filling their own empty stomach only. Lastly who does the clean and good politics? Ambanis, Tatas or Birla? Why Tata support Modi? Because of the issue of land acquisition in Singur, West Bengal and his manufacturing plan being shut down from there. What about Ambanis, they are the richest in the world, do they practice a good and clean politics when they raise the price of gas every three months when resources belong to the people, not to the Ambanis.

So lets not try to act as a moralist or hero by trying to question those who are struggling for one meal while you all are so quite when minorities are killed, when whole North East is kept wrapped/raped under a sealed womb for 67th years from now. Now please do not ask me to smile and laugh with the Look East policy and vision 2020. None of the people in NE are happy with vision 2020 because it was just a means to feed the hungry child of mainland India, not for the benefits of the people of North East. Now if we resist, protest and try to give our reason please do not trade as anti-Indian, India is very much ours and we raise our voice because we want to live in a place where we can share resources, live and feel the nerves of this country, other than seeing republic day march in black n white tv, we can not be myopic, like those sitting in an ac corporate room counting their salary and said look at the insurgents, look at this lady Arundhati Roy, she wants a Nobel Prize, Meda Patkar, she is against the development. Sit down and read what they are saying, if you love Gandhi, Bhagat Singh and our own hero Irabot then you should accept that they also fight for the same cause but against the British but now it's against the Brown rulers, if you are with this rulers then there is no difference between those Zamindars and you all who just want care about your electricity, metro, 3G andriod and can't think how many villagers are exploited to provide a American life to the metro-lites. So of course these people are fighting is for you also. Protecting us from selling to the corporate and to Amerikans.

Till now let it be Congress, BJP or any other political party, none have not worked in the interest of the people. If we want to change then we should not vote with a feeling of choosing the less evil one without knowing what if these supposedly lesser evil become a monster with our support and vote. There can be hope for clean politics but it starts from us asking our govt to stop politics of terrorism, militants, moist, CRPF, Army etc. Look back see who join insurgents, army, CRPF. They all belong to other than middle class or exploited groups. One join the other army to fight for their right, land and food, one join the other army to find a career or a job. Questions should be asked why Ambanis, Tata, Birlas, Gandhis do not become an insurgent or army or CRPF? If we seek for clean politics we should protest for what is wrong in the system without blindly following a political party or a person....

It's a well known formula that there can not be insurgents, militants, terrorism in a country where there is no support of politicians. If Indira Gandhi is still alive, we could have asked her why she has chosen to terminate the insurgent movement in Mizoram  and why not in other states of north east and Kashmir.

Nevertheless argument is not going to get over but only the myopic vision of politics concentrated only in some mainland or metro will not bring a happy go lucky India in future. It all depends on our vision and of course in our attitude.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Why I need to write..??

Before I attempt to write poetry back in the year 2009, my first short story was written after I narrate a story of a woman in our locality to my friends and the fateful incident happen to her. I was in class XI and could recall the horrifying and most ashamed thing happened in my locality though everybody thinks that they were right.

Well, poetry was revived after a long time, in fact after the school days though I used to write so many things in my diary but not in the form of poetry. English is one of the most difficult language for me as I have studied from Manipuri medium till my high school and one reason why  I still make it a habit to write any damn thing in my diary was to overcome the language constraint and also to free myself from any burden. There were times, I can not say all the things to parents, friends and when I feel terrible about something, I usually write in my diary only. There were many things which I just wrote, never to read again. It was like a meditation and a treatment for me. Bought the first diary when I was in class, when nothing to write, I used to open English-Manipuri dictionary and used to keep a record of the most difficult English words. Still I wish to keep a beautiful diary and write everyday before I sleep but already addiction with laptop and internet is getting me no time.

So many things lined up, I do not know where to start. Moreover, I just want to give a final touch to the two landmark story, I have ever attempted so far. The draft of the story has been spread among so many of them, some part of the story seems to be diluted. Sometime it hurts when your interest conflicts with your profession. While I have to do a 8 am to 5 pm job for five days and then engage with so many other things, no time is left to even open the draft of the story.  My only dream of completing those two stories is because I want to tell the story of those two women and what happened to them. Every time I sit down in front of my laptop, I feel guilty of not completing the story and it was a burden to me for so long. So far, I try to adapt the best and worst part of their life but still I don't want to compromise with my writing when I'm narrating their story. That's my commitment to the social crime happened to those women. I wish to show to the world that they are the real hero and not those who drag them to a level where they live with shame. As a research to complete their story, I used to talk to many people in the locality, but no one still say a good word and have mercy towards them. It seems like world was cruel for them and I also watched her when she was insulted by the whole community without her fault. Well, hope I will pull up all my courage to portray as they wish to live without anyone's scrutiny in their life.

As I'm going home in few days, I'm just reviving my memory and I hope I'm ready for the last touch to the story after my home visit. Hope I can just walk around see their children and how their life has been changed from rich to rags in the one decade.

Scent of my Home!!

Trying to grasp with the lost scent of the homeland, not through the fragrance of the flowers, not through the melodies in the distant hills but the echoing songs of the gunshots that ceaselessly singing like the unbeatable July rain. Worth remembering was my first Diwali in Delhi, I got numb and hide behind the door hearing the sound of the crackers and I just thought the scent of the home followed me till my doorstep in Delhi.

September !!

When there were so many reason 
and the time was just right 
We did nothing and said nothing
We have told other people 
We love them, at the same time
We have leant on other's shoulder
feeling sense of total trust
Could it not happen?
Could it happen?
You, here for all these years
Me, for all these years
Our path have never crossed
except on this September night..!!

Time...!!

Like the Autumn leaflets, everything falls 
I fought like the warriors 
Gruesome time went away 
Slipped from my hands
Towards tomorrow
Leaving nothing to keep with me 
Memory, your smile 
All are scattered in the wind 
Never to come together
You and I , the lost worriers 
Against this unsanctioned clock of life..

Friday, September 20, 2013

Honour Killing: Real Victim

Finally I'm restoring my engagement with the social issues and writing my views which concerns especially women. Facebook is like brothel and we are like her addicted customer who keeps on visiting. But now I do have reservation of writing in Facebook because of the colleagues who are already stereotyping me in the office as aloof, fierce, opinionated feminist who hates their non-veg jokes and bedroom story in the lunch table. Yes, I do hate non political and non-sensible people whose life does not have a purpose and vision and showing no participation in the society.

Well, reading newspaper is my second habit and its hard for me to survive when I do not read newspaper. First thing which caught my attention in the Hindu page was the brutal murder of two lovers for the so called Honour killing in Rohtak, Haryana. It was unimaginable for a parent killing their own blood and flesh for their family honour. In the second thought, the more worrying factor was the father of the girl showing no remorse of the burning his daughter and beheading her lover but also confessing to the local media that what he did was correct and his heroic act will deter the youths to go against the society. Third shocking fact are reading the comments of the readers "killed such parents" "killed the Jats and Gujjars" "Jats are main reason of crime' 'Haryanvis are shame of this country". But feel pity of the victims and feel sad because their life has been ended so mercilessly. Rather I feel that her parents are more in a terrible situation than the victims which led them to kill their own kids. It was scary people jump on the road whenever there is a problem with an immediate solution- killed the rapist, killed the jats and gujjars. I think people are gone beyond madness and they do not have a single second to discuss about society, changing mindset, scenario but quick in  giving their solution to a problem. Such kind of generation and people do not have any role to play when they are so busy with their life and why solution given by them should be accounted? When I sit down and think about rape cases, honour killing, domestic violence etc, first thing I want to do is a study of their mental status, social norms, brought up and what are the factors which influence to make such monsters in our society. The recent studies show that most of the sexual assault accused have a childhood trauma of sexual harassment or torture while they are young. So, I'm really eager to understand the social norms, khap panchayats, their reason of subjecting to honour killing in northern India and increase in the sexual assault case in Manipur. Everything requires a long term solution. Killing the rapist, killing the parents and ethnic cleansing of one community will not solve any solution.

I do not know who are Jats and Gujjars. My knowledge about the caste system and community dividend in the North India is very poor and very confusing too because I'm born and brought in a society where there is no caste system except three religion - Hindu/Meitie, Christain and Muslim. But I do know lots of Haryanvi. Most of my non Manipuri friends in college, university are Haryanvi. Never asked my friends which caste they belong because what matters to me is what kind of person they are, not their community and caste. For a while I thought this lunatic people will really start a ethnic cleansing war one day. 

Just going around in my head, I remember visiting to Sonipat in MSc time to one of our classmate's home and how we play in their field like the kids. Above all,  the hospitality of her parents specially towards me because they are concerned about my security. And about Neelam, I can't even think of a person on the earth who will say a bad thing about her and  moreover her mother and sister was charming than her. While going from Delhi to Chandigarh I used to visit her home in Panipat and never felt that they treated me differently. So many of them are Haryanvis, Neha, my best friend in Law faculty, Praveen with whom I share my evening snacks in the faculty and all the funny talks, Ambika, the cutest girl in my list who would call me to complain about series of boyfriend and lastly about Rohit who would be there to rescue me during the heavy rainfall in Delhi from nowhere when no auto, no taxi would agree to go anywhere. Above all, my encounter with one of the most honest professor in the law faculty always left me an impression that people can be wrong but not the whole community or society. No one can ever say or think about a bad word about him just because he is of Haryana origin when he gave 100 % of himself while most of the professor fear of losing extra calorie did not even speak in an audible voice.  

With all of them I have such a good rapport, I started feeling bad when people bully by taking their community. Sometime I told them kya yaar, how come all my friends are Haryanvis only. In our conversation I do ask them why these issues are happening to their society and they understand everything is wrong except thing I felt is that the problem is so acute in their society and even if they want a change they are helpless and above all they lack organisational level of fighting a problem and less engaged like we do towards AFSPA, sexual harassment and community level interaction in Manipur. Only thing I could witness was the break down of the structure in the society where everybody bothers whats around them only while living with a myth "what can we do, it keeps happening". At least in our society we react, resist and protest, these things seems to be absent in their case.  None of them are happy specially when it comes to dealing with personal life and more frustrating was when they learnt that someday they have to settle down with a stranger through arrange marriage.  Everyone of them wants to fall in love, sometime share their interest about falling in love with a girl or boy of their choice.  But even I told them not to have any relation when they already know that there could never be a future though it is not all about marriage. They sometime said your society is so good and we wish we can choose our own life partner like you people do. Sometime I just have to make the situation funny to cheer them up by saying elope with your girlfriend, I will offer asylum in Manipur where your family could never reach. They know they can never do that so we just end the topic with a laughter. 

Just to conclude is that human should not be divided by the community, caste, religion and looks. Every community has good and bad people. So as in Manipur, Delhi and everywhere. It is just that some of the communities are still behind us in terms of education, liberalization and it also depend on which culture/tradition has influenced them from the beginning. We were even more open and liberal society than now before the adoption of Hinduism and when all the community in Manipur are of same religion but with time our society is also drastically changed. Foe instance, from the time I used to follow my aunts in their date in the cinema halls to a time when lovers have to hide and meet in the dark shade restaurants. May be there is a story or logic or menace which spread the epidemic honour killing in Haryana till today from the time immemorial. Just like we studied why sudden scrutiny, increase in the moral policing, several moves of suppressing women in our society have led to the maximum number of crime against women in Manipur in the few years. May be the people specially well educated youth needs to do some homework, engage in the social issues and learn to resist, react and protest in such happenings though it would be tough in the beginning. 

Last but not the least we should stop stereotyping of everything. All north east women are easy going type, all Muslims supports Pakistan,all Haryanvis are criminal, all Jats are maniacs, all Baniya are selfish etc.  will not bring a consolidated solution. In fact we are just pushing each other in a dirty racism game. This is too dirty and it will only hurt and divide us more than we can think of.  What we need is to understand each other's difference, have little patience towards each other. For me I learn to be aggressive, hard working, confident and helping nature from my Haryanvi friends while they learn from me about my culture, problem in my hometown and how much you need to be radical and engaged to bring a change in your own family at first, then to the society.

 I do not hesitate to share the problems I faced in Delhi about my responsibility, financial problems, security and how I even sometime go against my parent's wish when I think something is against my will. But I do not expect they also go home and rage a war against their parents but I do tell them to keep a habit of discussing about the change we need with parents. So as one of my friend usually discussed with her mother about the dowry harassment to some of our friends who recently got married and she said her parents said now they will not let her marry even if they do not find a man who is not ready to marry without dowry. I think that's how we can bring the little change at our end. It's we who can educate about the changes in the society to our parents, otherwise they are no longer in a age to do all the homework.

When one family is changed, half of the society is changed. That's what my dad always taught us. Even I'm born and brought up in a place where no girl studied beyond class XII. Either parents would ask them to stop further study or they will voluntarily think that it is of no use. But my parents took the challenge to even send me in Delhi after my class XII though we were facing acute financial problem in the home after the big fat Manipuri marriage of two of my aunts. My dad always wrote me that we live with your hope and you will not bring us down. All my dad's friend told him that why are you spending so much money in your daughter when she will be married to a stranger's family. My dad was different from the rest and told them boldly that she will always be my daughter whether she lives in my house or in her husband's house. No one can ever take a place of being her father and I will be proud if she become first post graduate or Scientist than just being any girl in the locality. My dad taught us to think differently from the rest, so I would learn to have a different outlook towards my friends unlike others. A little patience, more engagement and more time is what we required to bring a change and I will always be there for them so as they are for me so far in a strange city where I have started from a scratch, and unlike other I will not bully them calling their community. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Ode to my first Love!

Everything is allowed in our society except expressing what you feel. I think this is one challenge which led me to find out my first love and have even work so hard to be with him someday. Destiny has some other plan and that I do not know what is stored in future but I'm simply a happy go lucky girl now. I'm in love with my life now, hardly complaint about what I do and I do not think twice now unlike other woman but I simply can fall in love with a man without pros and cons. Finally, I'm able to identify love sans the materialistic and there lies the sense of being in love even without a bonding of a relationship. Love is all about you being happy even in the memory of a person who may or may not be living with you.

I like experimenting people's reaction when I asked them about weird non-traditional questions and I keep doing that since school days. This time I told my friends that I'm going to say a guy that I want to date him despite of knowing that there is no possibility of future for us. Just because I find him extremely handsome, attractive, charming and a good human. Everyone drop their cup of tea, no he is that kind, he is not that kind, you can not do that, he still belong to that family, that society, that community, that caste and so on. The direction of whole communication changes to a social drama; I was like watching real life Styagraha, a social drama. I got really pissed off and said why did not you object when a friend of ours married to a man without even liking him and his family just because she is turning 30 years and she won't get a suitable husband once she crossed that age. Which one is more important for you all and why are you all act like a moralist? I continue my argument saying I just said I want to express my feelings for him and I did not say anything beyond that. Did I say I'm going to pursue him, leave my job and fast unto death if he deny or if he says he does not have any soft corner for me. You guys are suicidal, why so judgmental about him just because he belong to a community we do not like it and I do not know where you all belong to. I added saying that you all will say yes go ahead if I say I'm ready to compromise and marry that guy whom I do not even want to see his face though he belong to my community. I know what is going on in the society better than anyone of you but it is just that I do not want to follow it and don't feel it worth to just jump in the bed with a person whom I'm not in love. One of them argue that what if he deny and cut all the existing relation with you and we do not want to see you hurt? I said I'm ready to accept happily whatever is his response as he has the right to make his choice and if cuts off everything with me then it's simple file work, I will add another name in my list cowards and losers. Above all once he become one of them, I can no longer have respect for him and love will cease automatically. That was the end of the conversation and somehow I'm rather affected by their conversation and decided to keep mum over the things we discussed.

Even my friends said why do you give credit of your writing and poetry to your first love and he is such a big loser. They told me about their meeting with him when they gave them a copy of the book. I said, leave him aside, he has not grown up yet. I told him I like him when I was just 19 years and till now if he thinks that I'm in hang over just because I honestly think that he was the reason for me to start writing in the late '90 then I'm not in the mood to explain to him. Whatever he thinks is not my headache now. Let him think but I honestly feel that I should thank him for inspiring me in those days, I even name my mother as one reason for writing, so what is the big D? I will not hesitate to name him as the one, from whom I learn the meaning of love, lost, anguish, pain and every emotions associated with him. I would not be an honest person towards others if he he has not betrayed me and did not make me feel that how painful it is when someone you love hurt you, cheat on you. That's one reason I always make sure that I never hurt anyone intentionally who are in love with me and I learn to show the utmost respect to the one who shows affection towards me unlike him.

After all, do you think that a chemistry student who was struggling in Miranda House to even write a correct sentence in English would be obsessed of  writing three volumes of diary within the span of four years with full record of every exchange of letters, postcards and mail between us. I would never know why was love so beautiful that let walk in the rain and be with him though he stayed miles away from me at those days, if not I was in love with him. No one has got the privileged to lost in a dream and even forgotten that she was travelling in a crowded north-east train and unbeaten by the hot north summer and even smile at everyone, if not he did not pay a surprise visit before I left home. Last but not the least, I would not have been so poetic and experiment too much about it if he has not hurt me and broke all the dreams about us and moreover for destroying his own image of good boy, papa's boy. I learnt to live with the reality, I learnt to trust people after knowing and I learnt that love was for me all the time, within my heart, it does not go away with him but he was just a person who was not destined for my precious love. But I'm not the unlucky one just because he denied and cheated on me. It's him, who will be condemned by the love whole his life, not me. I learnt from him that love is the most beautiful and irrational emotion which could ever happen in our life. I know he is not an honest guy, he cheated on me knowingly, play with my emotions and so on reasons but I was crazy for him even after knowing everything. I spent 7 years of my precious life just writing about him, piling up 3 volumes of diary, thinking about him, crying about him, searching him in every face, looking for his smile in every falling image but at the end of everything I have realized that love is not about possession and after our last conversation back in the year 2005, I have never called him, even asked anyone about him though I keep writing every possible dreams of a future where we would meet again and that never happen too. Even I tore up every expectation in my life about falling in love again with any other person because of him and spent hours in the place whenever I go home while trying to keep hold of the moment where we were laughing together and he was showing his photos of new college, future plan, his new friends and I was giggling about my new life in Delhi, new friends and how much I wish to come home as soon as I finish my study to be with him and my family.

Everything changes drastically, I never gave up, but it was the destiny which has given up on me. More than me, my mother was hurt of what I went through and sometime asked me if I'm seeing someone else? I said, do not worry everything is set and will fall in place and we do not need to run after it and I just have to fall in love where my heart say so. People commented frantically to our poem as love sick poem, that's too harsh for people to disregard one's expression of emotions in the purest form. I think our poems are rather a celebration of love and it's world than being sick of love and lovers. No one in our society, especially women express their emotions, that's nontraditional, irrational and unacceptable. Love means marriage, if not that is immoral, what's moral is agreeing to sleep with a stranger by giving a name called husband, that's society's custom. Whatever stand I took till today is against this and I will do the same for the rest of my life too. I know my friends are concerned about me but I feel that it is crazy sometime if they ask me to date every good friend of mine. I wish love is something I can manipulate and love only those who would not hurt me, but this does not happen all the time. May be you can still call me crazy, but I still enjoy the most irrational way of falling in love with an impossible man. Yes, you all deny my theory of asking for a date to the new guy but do you guys think that he is that stupid and dumb who could not see from my smiles, over zealous expression whenever we met and about so many things I have said and written about him. Though I'm not sending a confidential and secret letter of saying what I feel, I have almost done my part saying him all I can say when we got the chance to meet earlier. And I'm least expecting of any fall out between us and as of now I do not rate him as a coward. Here again, I still thank my first love for teaching me to fall in love with the eyes of a man and notice that emotional flow in his face just like an unstoppable flow of a river.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Home!

Things have been changed or I'm have become immune now to whatever situation happened to the home? I'm still trying solve this puzzle. When I was quite new in Delhi and whenever I heard of any gunfight or bomb blast in home, I used to get so scarred and in case I did not get through my father's office land line number, I would start crying in the telephone booth. As usual we used to line up in the telephone booth and the only thing we were confirming was that our parents and family members are safe and not among the people who are killed or hurt.

Yesterday, there was a twin blast in Nagamapal which killed nine people and hurt 13 more but I did not call home immediately. I pick up my mobile then drop it again without a reason. In the night called mom, asked where has father gone and got hyper unnecessarily saying why he has not come home till 9 pm when the situations are so bad. Mom trying to calm me down saying nothing happens here. Its too far, bomb was blast was in Imphal. While having dinner, brother said, there are two bomb blast in Imphal, I just replied to him without answering to his answer-do you still want to go home? He was arguing with me since March after parents left Delhi to visit home. I know it will sound weird when I do not want my brother to go home but may be I'm too scared with my own thought of what if something happens to them. I would go crazy and will try my best effort to stop them whenever they asked about going home. I kept saying things may get better in next year so you go home at that time, sometime I said, you can go home with me when I plan next time.

Things are worst in my place because of its being one of the most favorable place for transit to every neighboring place. Most of the news of army's operation at night due to troubling neighbor's association with insurgents, brother being questioned by the commandos are just a hearsay information to me so far. But it did really happened when I was in Delhi, except that parents have preferred to hide it from me. When my uncle was alive things were better because of his earlier association with BSF but after his death, things got worst. My useless neighbor's free lunch dream and rumors of their association with the insurgents are really giving us a bad time for the last few years.

Just a month away for the home journey. Excited of the fact that I have not gone home for the last two years but so many things are there to worry also. What if there is a general strike, what if there is another gun fight or bomb blast or another national highway blocked. In all the situations we will be like a house arrested criminal without an option to step out of the home for a week and will re-pack the bag and struggle to catch the flight by taking a route where there is no sign of protest. Hope we have a pleasant journey to home this time.

Whatever it is, home is always home. Till the last breath, we will always love it and we can't even die peacefully without worrying about our home. 

Friday, September 13, 2013

Death sentence-an end to rape?

Even the death sentence seems to be not a justice to for the heinous crime of rape. But is the real solution to deter the rape in the rape city and of course the rape continent. Recently a survey indicated that 1 out of the 10 men in Asia confessed that they have raped a women. Reason being for entertainment, boredom, to show their muscularity or so on. 

The whole mass is rejoicing with the death sentence of the four accused and deep down the line I could not stop crushing this society for which even these rapist are victims. On the one side for the rape and torture they have done to the girl, I have to pity for them even if they are burnt. But don't really need to sit down and think what make them inhuman, not even an animal. While reading the statement of the judge saying that rod has been inserted to her body, her abdomen has been destroyed and her body part has been pulled out, I could not stop my tears. I just take a deep breath, trying to control from crying and said who make these monsters? I do not really know whether they could still be judged, rectified or talked in the human language. Not even an animal would do to another animal just like they did to the girl. Quite upset for the whole day thinking what would have gone through to the parents and brothers standing in the court watching them and hearing again and again that how much they torture their daughter and sister. She has left for a better place but her family will live with such a miserable pain throughout their life. 

She was still too young and has not lived her life and I really wish she got little more time to enjoy this beautiful life which is given only once. When I lost my cousin when he was just 24 years in an accident, I kept asking why so soon and keep blaming the faith but at least in years I'm able to reconcile thinking it's just the way we live. But when someone like Nirbhaya has been killed so unnaturally, it's unforgivable for all the rapist and this society should also own the responsibility because we are also played making the monsters in our society.    

Instead of just rejoicing with the death penalty, would it be better every parents start teaching their sons to respect the women and let them enjoy their life instead of encouraging their useless man-ego. Saying that oh you are a boy or man, you can do anything. Still this death sentence is not going to deter the crime against the women, in some years it will become like another dowry law. Till now we have so many legitimized laws under which rape is not taken as a crime. All the political parties came under one umbrella while rejecting the Justice Verma commission which includes the marital rape and bringing the armed forces to try by ordinary court while committing a crime at the personal level such as rape. So there are thousand questions every women like me would ask that would rape would be allowed if it is by husband or by the armed forces.

 Until and unless when rape as a concept of man flexing their muscle power against the women and their mindset of  thinking that women can be tortured this way, it can not be eradicated. Above all these, the male chauvinist pigs who gives speeches in the form of politician, bureaucrats and leaders should stop blaming like why women are walking in the road in the night, why did they wear that kind of clothes and she is of that type of character. For instance, prostitutes sale their body for survival but even they are not allowed to rape if they don't give a consent to it. So what is the need would be not eating gulab jamum in the death sentence  of the rapist bt rectifying your own kid so that they don't become another rapist and another women. It was surprising when RSS leader addressed the mass that it was the fault of the girl why she was out of the home in the late hour? To add to this many politicians rather blame on the girl who are raped,. Same comment has been passed by our own Delhi CM Sheila Dixit, commenting on the 2005 rape case of the Mizoram girl in the Dhaula Kaun. 

What India needs to change is to come out of highly morale society where they are making human bomb who can explode any time once they are out of the home.The morale, respect and their humanity ends they step out of their home. Their respect to elders, women and other male counterparts is for show off only. What is the point when you shout from the roof top that we are highly cultural society when you can't even teach your sons to respect women, at the same time when you always ask your daughters to compromise their freedom, respect and dignity for the sake of your meaningless dignity and culture. May be India just have to come out beyond this image of being the sacrosanct country while still rated as the rape country. Better is to understand the changing society, mindset of younger and give them the space to breath and live beyond the suffocating cultural factory of rapist and murderers. 

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Just like a long lost lover!

Somehow in my words, in my deeds and in my talks you have become a reason to laugh and bring a smile for the past few months. And finally I'm feeling sad of the fact that everything will go away with time. The time will swallow every remnants of the memory. Of your smile, of your laughter and I do not know I'm trying to gather everything and bind them so hard that it never left my memories. Nothing have been told between us except through the eyes and the smiles across the crowd. I know you do not think anything serious about any kind of emotional involvement neither do I but every part of the memory was a reason to smile and laugh for me. That's only reason I was left at that time. I know we stand poles apart and there could never be a meeting point. I never thought of losing of a such a moment, everyone seems to be moved on including you, except me, seems to be still standing there and waiting for you all alone.

 How would I even tell you that I even had the most painful wait of this lifetime, without even having the courage to tell that for hours I waited across the road where I used to wait for you. Every weekend just passed by mercilessly and I thought at least in a faithful Saturday you would suddenly cross my way and pass a smile just like earlier. With a hopeless thought I search for you in the crowd with series of cup of tea and used to spend hours. What I miss the most is the way we hide our smiles and you obviously know the reason why I ask you so many questions sometime and why I even get so annoyed when someone else try to get your attention. May be it was for the first time for me, I saw somebody with such a true emotions in the eyes.
Somehow I felt that at least you have the respect for what I'm, you do not deny the way I used to adore you without a spotless mind. At least you don't insult me with a response that how could you do that being a girl?I felt that every moment was a miracle when you come in front of me, as if something is going to change forever and nothing bad could happen to me again when I'm with you. I'm still trying to paint every enduring moments of those few months. I wish it was just longer than this life and we tend to forget the beginning and the end. Or does it become so nostalgic and unforgettable because it was for a little time and we have to walked our way apart just as it is decided.

 I'm sad for the fact that everyone said, it was just a fun part and you have to move on! Why I have to move on, when there is an undying smile which keeps me alive, which dazzles like raindrops reviving my soul. In another thought, it just looks like my own imagination and nothing was there to be serious. I hate the hypocrisy of this world when I'm not even allowed to even say what I feel for you but they will sleep at the end of the day with a stranger in the name of marriage.

Somehow it seems like I also have to go with the flow of the time till the memory lapse without living a space to remember you and your smiles. But I will never let you die and will paint every memory we had in those beautiful days in every pieces of my pages. That will be a true ode to you and my love for you. Last and for all I have never hesitated in saying what I felt till today but your bastardy society is so dirty that there is no space for such love. Let it have the most peaceful death!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Sleepless in Delhi :)

Mom correctly say that do not ever make fun of someone's misery, it falls on you so quickly in the Kali youge. I was talking with a friend about a frantic call from a college time friend about asking some urgent money requirement. I was just confirming whether she is still honest as I'm afraid of her liability. First of all, she lied in the first word of call. My friend told me, don't try to argue with her, she is facing lots of problem and even having sleeping problem so eating pills. I just said, oh poor girl, she really messed up everything as usual!

I came back home so tired and hectic schedule in office, then routine work in home and trying to sleep by 1.00 am, my usual timing. Suddenly I felt so awkward, uneasy and it was like those horrible days where I used to spent the whole night writing poetry, watching movie and sometime walking alone in the terrace without even talking to anyone. That feelings of emptiness seems to encroach my space of comfort life after years. Bad days, bad people! But I'm hardly affected with any of his news nowadays and I don't even bother he is dead or even become a prime minister. I try to sleep by reading some boring chapters, even trying to write the worst things in the world but quarter to 3 am I could not resist myself from crying while watching the movie Sleepless in Seattle and my favorite Tom Hank. I felt more horrible because I don't know why I was crying. I repeatedly thinking what happened to me and was there anything to worry? I even asked myself the most weird question? Am I in love with the charming guy in my mind? Then again I rejected the question, nope! Love never comes beyond Sharukh Khan's screen in their world, so cut the big crap!

It become more weird when I only remember so many wonderful things happened in this month. My wishes to walk in the Vizag beach, roaming with best buddy in Hydrabad, and so many good news about Tattooed with Taboos, everything was so fulfilling. Then I gave the liberty to my tears, let it fall until it gets tired and dry. After a soulful cry I felt so content and it was like falling in love again. I wish I can dedicate the wonderful tears to someone I do really love. Alas! No one was there in mind for whom I can cry for.

With a smile and love in mind about a dazzling smile, I fell asleep, just to open my eyes again before 7 am in the morning. And I thought why not have a sleepless night in Delhi, if it can happen in Seattle. Got into the kitchen, make breakfast and get ready for office only to surprise everyone "how come Chaoba, you came so early?" . But who knows that I was enjoying the Sleepless in Seattle in real life :)

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Silencing those voices!

Finally I'm hatting the social networking especially Facebook. Bunch of crook people ready to judge if we talk of the topics out of the box. Only reason why I'm still engaged in Facebook is that it gives me a boost to write, think and sometime feel encouraged with some friends honest opinion. If you talk about politics, about love, about relation, about feminism and gender conflict then you are gone. That's happening with me.

I love thinking about what should I write, even a simple conversation with a friend, I try to make it in a nice line and make it poetic. That's how I try to improve my writing and command in the language. Above all, I do not care what people are tagging me with any name. Let it be. But it does surprised me with their questions. After all I'm not writing to become answerable to anyone of them. I know even among the friends they find me weird because I talk about politics, parties, gender and my conflict situation with the religious and God-loving people. They said why do you bother? This annoyed with more than anything. What we should be talking all the time. About the boyfriends, how nice it was his new haircut, how sexy he looks like, all the time and 24 x 7. Forgive me I could never do that. I can not be in a conversation of men, marriage, kid and shopping not more than an hour. I do have my limits. After all I'm never impressed by kind of  men whose attitude and personality are only identifiable by their branded clothes and socially and politically looks totally dumb and stupid. So as I can not tolerate a man who talks all the time about zero size woman and their horny dreams.

There are so many topics we can engage and have fun while talking and all of them are relevant to our day to day life. It's our negligence to talk, discuss and analyse the things around and just following what others are doing, later on we can not blame when it becomes a culture and burden to us. And we can't blame men for not understanding. If you are not interested in talking about the things related to your life who will take charge and discuss about it. Here comes the major reason of lack of participation of women and those who stood up become a victim of the mass including of their female counterparts.

We have many examples whose voices are silence in many ways by threat, by killing, by eliminating them from their way and that's reason we still stand in a place where everything looks motionless for women, having no option but following to the already set laws/norms/culture.

Why we still feel that making law, bringing the change, voicing against the wrong doers is only a men's job and we have no part to play in it other than talking about what should we cook in the dinner, what colour of bed sheet/curtain will be suitable to my bedroom, how can I impress my boyfriend/husband, what dress he will like? It's quite pity so far, so many educated women can not engage their conversation beyond this topic. Those who does the talk are ostracized and treated as a alien.

Why don't we admire Arundhati Roy, Medha Patkar, Banerjee Bhuto, Kiran Bedi, Taslima Nasreen, Mahasweta Devi and so many of them who change the niche of woman from kitchen to politics and society at large. Do we still have to follow what our mothers have done, taking care of our father and washing their family clothes and at the end of the day living in their mercy. I'm not being pessimistic about family life. No one can better understand a family life than me and I don not need a lesson to it. I know how it is like adopting and taking care of two teenage brothers in Delhi. Everything is possible, even managing them and living a life of my own, having a career, social life, talking about politics and so many things. But simply denying to talk and even discuss of the raising issues around us will be a foolish step for all of us and we are already bearing the consequences of the man-made laws, rules and culture.

It was just few years back, the school going girls are forced to wear sarongs, then asking us not to wear jeans, in future they can ask us  to wear a veil and we should not be surprised if we ignore to talk, discuss and bring it a negotiable table where we can also talk about what a woman want from their life apart from obliging to the set rules of patriarchal organisations in our society.