The Terrible Two & Puzzle!

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
Sylvia Plath 

...Of course it is not a puzzle any longer to him and I should blame myself for what I thought the world has the people who would think the way you want, who would evolve the way you evolve many a times in one birth. May be I'm the only one among the lot, who has got the opportunity rather than guts to do so, to chase the dream you wish to, to live like the orphans who had nobody to interrupt your freedom and almost dream like a queen who has no one to question.

I'm not sure whether I'm lucky or rather a victim to endorse with so much of freedom and liberty to do what I want always in a time, faith and society which is bluffing me all the time with my emotions. Sometime I felt I'm rather a victim and trying to engulf and misuse my sense of purity to the emotions by those who could never dream of owning them. Everything & everyone came out to be just lie, unwanted, coward and pitiful this time and I'm literally confused who is wrong???

Should  I crush the man who has sold off his liberty to dream or the society which prostitute the human emotions in the name of tradition or the fallen faith and destiny which always threw me into a situation where I'm left with nothing in hand. Not even with a hope to dream again. May be all of them will line up one day and call me I'm just a fool who still do not know the reality of life. But I'm still too confused what is all about living with the reality? The world so far has defined it to me as something in which you have to lose yourself, rather become someone whom you can not be, rather shameful, coward and foolish. May be I need to rewrite a definition of my own though it may take years to scale its deepest truth. So far since the day I learn to dream of, I have never lose the hope of doing something new, something challenging, even falling in love with the most impossible man I have ever met but I never blame my faith for bluffing my emotions and I used to do believe and trust the destiny. Thought it will bring the things right for me but meeting so many flaws in the past few years, I have started losing my faith to the only hope I have in an unquestionable destiny. Is it really a way to prove me wrong or trying to strengthen my stand against the belief of the rest? Let it be, I don't want to think anything on this. Let the time tell, let the time come, either I will prove it wrong or they will make me wrong just to break me into pieces. Though I would love to spend the rest of my life gathering all those broken pieces hope, dreams and love, I would never surrender myself to something which I can not believe and live with it.

What else I can do and there is nothing wrong in dreaming, hoping and falling in love even for an impossible man. There is again nothing wrong, though painful, even to share a dream with a man who has no liberty to dream and fall in love. I only know, how beautiful it is to be lost in a dream of falling in love with a man you have been dreaming for so long; on the other hand I can not resist to feel the sadness of those blissful moments dyeing slowly in front of my own eyes. Every word of him, every note of love, every dream to escape to a dream land falls apart slowly without a destination. While I set back myself to a moment where he would be just sitting opposite of me and without a word, without a permission, I would keep dreaming for another day to come where I will be with him. For so long, he was too far from me though just sitting by my side sometime, and suddenly we become so close and more divided by a bigger wall where we stood like the untouchables though I'm left in a place which remain unchanged.

No one was wrong in their decision. Neither I nor him. I should let him stand in his position and take back what I dream off. Rather I would cherish the moments of my own and I would say I'm lucky to be enjoyed thoroughly even without his permission, more over without his notice for so long. Though I again have to prepare for another ceremony of his natural death in my dream with time and moments fading away from me and memories. Nothing is new, nothing is surprising, he will become another one among those buried one. And I'm ready to paint another canvas, so colourful, till it become pale and meaningless, until it gets the shades of my own. He will belong nowhere, in fact, nowhere!!!
  

Euthanasia of love!!!

Living in a place where lovers are killed, love is undignified, living with an assumption that everything is to be beautiful behind that curtain of marriage! I'm totally frustrated with the hypocrisy of people and their guts to boast a life about parents, society, tradition and culture and blah blah...as if those who could stand for love are wild animals, not tamed and trained. But the fact is that I'm proud to be one of the un-tammed, un-trained, wild animal who can die for love but can't live with hypocrisy and fake smile throughout the life. Those who are in love only knows how beautiful it is to be with the one you love, how hateful it is to be with the one you could never fall in love.

Love was everything I have ever wanted but unfortunately I landed in a land where love is all about ball, butts, boobs and obsession of physical needs. Agreed that relation revolves around both physical and emotion and both goes hand in hand but now a days its a fashion if a man think that he can kiss every passing woman on the road even regardless of a bad breathe, I guess. I do not know how many of them ever learn to see into the eyes of a person, feel it, watch him/her silently, passed a ignorant smile and follow the footsteps of the love. I do not know how far love has touched to the heart of this huge population who seems to be too lost with the smart phone like the monkeys hugging the coconut helplessly. After seeing all of them I cry for mercy killing of the love, only thing which makes human different from rest of the animals or a civilized animal.

Seems like I'm finally defeated and I have to agree with myself that love has been killed long ago and it would be just a dream which remain as a dream to be ever find a love. It's a terrible world where emotions are sold off for everything and I'm literally tired trying to still save that little human inside me in a jungli-zed society. So far wherever he is, whatever he does, I still miss those silent walk following his footsteps, waiting for him in a road where he would never turn up, trying to mimic his smiles, even smiling alone while catching up with him in my own memories. At least I love his guts to show his affection to me regardless of what we are for each other. I do not understand any longer why people live such an unsecured, cowardice life. They can not enjoy the love, emotions which sprouts like a rare spring from their own heart but gives a huge lecture on society, culture and tradition.

Love was something which taught me everything, just lying on the bed in my room in home as a teenager and reading Dr. Kamal's novel Madhabi, made me feel the pain of Urirei when Biren left for his study in Shillong, even holding my heavy heart with an imagination that what if someday my love left me in such a way. What a bizarre reality I live today, everything ends with such a pity death of human soul. All looks walking, talking, smart zombie. Really missed the way my aunties used to fall in love with their boyfriends, walking out silently from home in my father's absence, taking me along with them so that my father won't question them where they were, exchanging some sweet talks before they depart for the day and of course passing a letter to her hand with a shy smile. Love was never been an embarrassment, defamation and useless as it is treated in the modernized society. And the most romantic memory I had about them was about my aunties knitting sweater for their boyfriend to gift them in new year day. I recalled my aunty knitting a yellow sweater copying those days Salman Khan's sweater in Maine Pyaar Kiya. I never understood at those days how was love all about but it seems like though my blood and breathe that every sense of purity of love have been inhaled deeply. I'm still searching for that lost scent of love though I'm sure by now that it had the most unnatural death long ago.

 I'm too jealous of all my aunties now. Living here is like a life-imprisonment for me, a slow poisoning of my own emotions and at the end of the day loosing myself. It was in twelve, our English teacher taught the chapter of Titanic and I almost had the sleepless night of so many days thinking that how painful it would be losing the one you loved. Sir Thoiba's lecture on Manipuri famous story of lovers Kadeng-Thangjahanba and Tonu Laijinglembi almost made me fall in love with the strange and wildest notions attached to love. Everything seems to have been killed and I'm just trying to touch a mirage which no longer existed.

Somehow while coming back late today and travelling alone in the metro, I was missing him and his smile which he always try to hide from me and everyone but obvious to me and to everyone too. What makes him different from the rest was the invasion of a smile on my lips whenever I remember him. I only wish if I can keep hold of the moments but everything is gone with time though it could not erase shadows of his smiles. I never had an expectation from him and no dream of future with him but it was a boundless affection and careless smiles which I missed the most today. That respect, emotions and care was something which I will cherish about him forever. I know everyone finds us weird, mischievous and kiddish but it was of emotions which we never thought of controlling and judging from the beginning. I was prepared of his going even from my nocturnal dream but I was very sure of one thing that he will never leave me even with a droplet of tear in my eyes. As I assume so, he walked away from my dream, hope and memory from a time when I was ready to walk in another path of life and of a new dream and of a new bond.

I do not mind people judging me whether I'm old fashioned or anything but whole my life I'm ready to die to find the one who will bring back that magical wing of the lost love but I could never witness the euthanasia of love.

I live with what I believe till today, life was never interested for me to do only what others expected me of doing. At least I promise to myself that I will never lie to my emotions, and it will remain true forever. Till I die, I'm ready to fight thousand other winner-less war to restore every piece of love from its honour killing!!

Just questions & questions....!!!

Landed at home after two years for a week visit. Had the sleepless nights from a week for a dream of seeing the land which exiled me thirteen years before and seems like she wanted to disown me forever. Lived all these years in Delhi with the mirage of dream, hope and love of the land where I no longer live. Dream about mother's morning taunting call, dad's impatient hobby of  restlessly modifying the home, the endless argument between me and father and so on. But this time, the visit to home seems something else. I came back with such a heavy heart, I do not even watch in the eyes of my mother, I don't want to cry just like I stepped out thirteen years ago. Seeing the lonely school road, the kids cycling for morning tuition, every scene in front of my eyes seems to have questioned me what I'm thinking and what road I have chosen in this life and why?

Walked the lane where we used to play when we were kids and recall the incidents how we used to wake up  3 am in the morning and run just like life has no worry. Life was about dream, hope and love unlike today. Still I'm lost in this war of living between dream and reality. Everyone seems of run after after the reality of the life, while I'm too much engaged with my questions on existence of such reality. Everything was good, memorable and I missed the most the laughter I shared with my mother, youngest sister and me during the dinner. Laughing like there is no one else in the world to trouble us and we were the queens of a dreamland. Left hope with extremely heavy heart and as usual many memories try to encroach in my mind while I'm still confused with the such enchanting dreams of the present.

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed the trip to home especially the lunch in my place with all my friends then heading to the Loktak Lake for boating and followed by a trip to the most beautiful place Ukhrul. The visit to ukhrul was the most exciting thing trip ever happened in my life, except that we should not have eaten the unwanted call for the lunch in the zombie's house. Life taught us so many lessons and this would be one where I would have to take a stand and let know the people that whatever you are, whoever you are, you are no different from a toothless zombie when you do not know the etiquette of being a human living in a civilized society. The mood of whole trip was spoiled by one just episode though I still try to bring in my memories the scenic beauty of Ukhrul in a full moon night. I'm not sure I would get another chance in this lifetime to watch the moon caressing the falling slopes of the hills while the restless cloud watch it with so much of jealousy. It was a moment of this lifetime. Unforgettable and undying.

This home visit seems to special with so many walls built between so many relations and so many new relations again sprout in my way. Some looks promising, some looks just another chapter of this life. I'm excited and I'm scared too. Again it's an endless war between my willingness to follow the dream, do the wildest things in the world to fulfill what I dream for and a fear which is holding me from living it fearing of a future where I will have to face another chapter of life, of love, hurt, departure and living with the memories of those buried ones. As of now, I'm thinking nothing and just seems like I'm too much pull away in this tide of freedom to fall free with no one to catch hold of me. Even I'm not sure, it's gonna be a dream, hope or just another way of life trying to teach me the reality and asking to understand from past experiences. To many questions, too many walls between so many relations of this life, I'm no longer capable to thinking what is right and what is wrong. But after-all who defined us so far what is right and what is wrong? Isn't it just a part of life which we are made to come across and redefine our dream? 

I hate to say this!

I know I'm the most arrogant woman and always hate to show my tear in front of a man! But as of now I have to write, console and think right that all people are not same and cruel. And I still want to reconfirm my believe that there are people who can see the tears hidden behind layers of this arrogant face and this lady can cry all alone whole night without telling anyone.

Today, I seem to lost all my faith to everyone. I have never been so upset, feel weird and disgusting for so long. Moreover I have never seen one with such cruel face. And why suddenly I missed you so much today. Just because you always tolerated me, bear my temper, understand my frustration, responsibilities or what not? But at last still I have to be rude and say the same thing that you too were a coward for the fact that you too choose to leave and follow the whole crowd, forgetting that whatever we are, whoever we are, we will land someday only within a graveyard.

Why I feel so pathetic today is not because something bad is happening or has happened in my life but I saw the most cruel face of a man and love being killed and dyeing with such an insulting end. I wish I have the courage to forget and forgive him. Meanwhile when I saw the worst scene of my life today, when I saw one love abusing another, I suddenly could not stop doing a round trip in my mind how you have treated me. I don't know what we called our relation was, never wanted to give a name and bound for lifetime but I wish every man has the courage to love a woman like you do with so much of dignity. Most of the fight, most of the argument was because of my frustration over not able to handle my responsibility towards my family but you have not even used a single abusive word towards me, forget about raising your hand and showing me you are a man and m a weaker sex.

I still hated you for being a coward but don't know there will be another man on this earth who could understand me better than you do. I know I was never fair with you whenever there is a fight and it should be always a win-win condition for me but never say that I was wrong. Just talking to my friend saying I'm too disturbed today because of some reason and I wish you were here to say that I'm the most different girl and I could never be wrong. Sometime it feels too bad how I made hell out of your life even making you run from one place to another in the middle of the night but I think everything was happened to make me learn a lesson that the world is full of pathetic people but still someone like you will be there to stand for me without expecting anything in return. And it hurt me more whenever my friends said, you know he was unconditionally good to you and we wish everything ended with a good note.

But something else was written and you wrote that end for which I can never give an excuse to forgive you. You try to hurt me even after you are gone for so many months by making me realized how good you were to me and why the fuck you had to go like a coward to that hell!

May be by writing this I'm feeling much better and may be it is just like before, how I used to spit all the Hindi and English slangs in my vocab in any of our fight and try to hurt you intentionally thinking that I was always the winner.