Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Malady of this land!

Years before I wrote my poem "Between two flags"  which is appreciated by many people but till today, the conflict of emotions about this country is not solved within myself. Lived in this land, expose to it's culture, met few good people though number of worst people are more, lost everything I have with myself about the home I belong, except a heart which beats for it but I'm still amazed with my own feelings of this country.

When my friends talked so much in love with the country they live, I wanted to know how was it?? When the group of people branded the hatred of this country, I also wish to feel the same. Their emotions whether good or bad, love or hate with this country seems very clear so they know what they should do. If I'm asked am I nationalist? Surely, I'm going to say a big "NO". I can not promote a country which has been so divided between the religion, poor and rich, from valley to hills, from Aryans to mongoloids, where the parents itself differentiated their own kids, taught their sons to be a lion and daughters to be a lamb.

On the other hand, it's so disappointing when people live with so much of distrust with each other and so much of hypocrisy. Those who criticize the system which exploits the poor, minority and voice against for the suppressed group are called leftist or anti-Indian, while those whose hollows and selfishness branded themselves as a true citizen or savior of this country. Have the people of this country at least have a little sympathy for each other, there won't be any problem today in Kashmir, North-East or Moist. What the upper/urban people today care is of their internet bill, their electricity, their water, have they ever thought from where they are generated and how many of poor people have been displaced to get them what they want. How selfish it is for a people of this country to think that India is for them and for those who sings the national anthem in an ac room and shout in the road against those who raise their voice. Their fear it's not from the speech of those who raise the voice, they fear of sharing the roof, sharing the resources and living together.

Everyone pray Indian Army, CRPF like hero and God, I won't deny their heroism and sacrifices for their country and people excluding people in NE, Kashmir, Chhattisgarh and Adivasis but do they even think twice who are they fighting with, a people like them, another facet of victimhood? Arundhati Roy righttly pointed out that CRPF are not only the victim of Maoist but also of the system and politicians. I wish in the coming decades and centuary our common people understand such dialogue and analyse her statement to save a country which is slowly militarising, where half of the population has been sent to a gun fight, let it state or non-state, instead of calling her anti-India. What she dream is nothing different from anyone of us, an India inclusive of  poor, rich, mongloids, Aryans and of any religion and caste, not just a land of Hindu where Muslim/dalits/minorities are killed in stage riots/fake encounters and a land only for smart phone users and those whose patriotism is all about singing the national anthem, raging a war for boundary.  If the people of this country truely a love their country, they would not have such an abusing character and abuse the the people who are belong to different horizon. What they love is an imagination India which ends in Kashmir towards Pakistan, Arunachal towards China, Manipur towards Myanmar. Have the govt ever thought of an inclusive policy which embraces the people at one point. Every 3rd person in this country abuse a north eastern, abuse the muslims, abuse the kashmiris, Dalit, hill people, poor as if they are from different planet. I wonder how many of them are Indian and who are Indians when among themselves, they divided into pieces by their own caste?

By saying so, I could not hate this country. Once in the last February, in an informal discussion in the class, I blasted at everyone asking do they know in which states where republic day, 15th August has been celebrated without a bomb blast, general strike and above all with people feeling that true emotions of their country? Everyone after that class branded me as anti-Indian. One even said she should not address us as Indian and Indian. I made the mistake by even saying all those chaps, who can not even have an ear for a discussion and can't even see the emotions in my face rather their preconceived notions of northeast and Kashmiris dreaming of separation and being an anti-Indian because I criticise them and the policy & governance which benefits them only, a life exclusive of our right to live a citizen of this country. But I wish I could clarify to them neither I'm a congressman nor BJP, nor an pro-insurgents, nor a pro-Maoist nor pro govt. But only a simple citizen who is against any kind of killing whether it by Maoist, police, army or CRFP. What I have always dreamt of and many like me in the North East, Kashmir and those disturbed areas was a peaceful sleep without a fear whether any bobm blast or gunfight might happen and above al living with a fear & anxiety of whether our parents, sisters, brother would come safely or not?? A sense of living truly and peacefully just like other citizens of this country. I wish they could ever feel our heartbeat and sense the fear whenever we heart about a bomb blast in Imphal or anywhere in Manipur. So far we only pray to a non-existent almighty that no one hurts but beyond that God please save my father, mother, brother and sister. We become selfish even in our prayer, we say hope our near and dear one is not suffered. I wish someone explain me whether I should love this country or hate this country? But I do both and I'm very much in trouble unlike them who hate this country or love this country.

I could not wish saying let this country go to hell, I could not also say that this country is a safe haven. More than the govt, politicians, I'm annoyed with the attitude of people of this mainland India. Their unwillingness to listen to others, their ego to hurt those who are unlike them, trading themselves as only India who are saviours/rulers but rest as their colonised people. I don't know how was it like being ruled by the British for more than two centuary but I assume that it must so humiliating and insulting to live under a colonised rule so the freedom fighters even lend their life to free India at those time. But for us more difficult is to be colonised by a less rationalised, less educated, less civilised society where people have their ear for non-veg jokes and comedy circus only. Sometime I wish British was a much nicer coloniser than India it is today to her own people.

We still don't think that killing is killing whether it is by army or terrorist. We still think that state gunman are patriots and those who raise a voice and fight are separatist. May be with time, even the definition of the terrorist need to be defined where the system has brutally hurt every one of us and forcing us with only one option! 

Legality of section 377, the menace of the Indian Society!

Only thing allowed in Indian Society is hypocrisy! The much respected, the highest court of the Republic of India has proved it today with their verdict against the homosexuality. This is one of the saddest day and black mark in the human rights of homosexual. Nothing about human’s desire and orientation has been considered and one’s freedom to choose with whom they want to live their life has been declared as criminal. Nothing could be more upsetting than this. My sympathy goes to all my gay friends and I condemn such a society, law and the people who support violation of basic human rights of some sections of people in the society.
I really wonder what reasons has been given by the apex court to come to this decision. Is it something based on some holy books of Hindu, Muslim, Christain etc, which itself is so inhuman towards the women, weaker section of the society, to the poor? The holiest book, tradition, religion which created the untouchables, caste and creed and differentiated the human by colours should be burnt away by now. What is unnatural or natural?  With reference to what type of sexual relations between two consensual adults will decide that gay sex is illegal? So do the highly respected judges believe like those of RSS, Baba Ramdev and Bajrang Dal groups that gay sex is a disease and it’s spreading to the other person? This is beyond the understanding of a prudent man, not that of RSS sainik or Baba Ramdev followers? Have the apex court truly concern and heard the opinion of the gay and lesbians before taking any such judgement? How come the constitution’s article 14 will be exclusively deny to the gay and lesbian just because their sexual orientation is different and we are too narrow minded to accept one’s wish to live their life? What due process of law the SC is going to used in order to curve the very basic right of two adult having a consensual sex or having a relation? If this is the verdict of the highest court of this country, there is nothing we could hope for any good outcome in this country. They have set a blind eye to the people belonging to so many sections of this country, to the people of North-East, Kashmiris, Dalits, Adivasis and now again to the homosexuals.
Is the SC going to instruct to create special force to fight the gay or lesbians, like CoBRA battalion who has been created to kill the Maoist and to install industry in the hills and jungles? Or is it going to be direct recruitment from Baba Ramdev’s Ashram, RSS Sianiks and Bajrang Dal?? Or in order to maintain the image of being the most peace loving and largest democratic country in the world, the alternative way has been arranged- like deporting all the gay and lesbians to some island called dramatically called Sutter Island, where they will be disconnected or shut down to interact with rest of the world? Or is there plan to create an acid chamber just like Hitler did in an era to finish the Jews or in the most possible way, have the Union of India have entered a contract with the Baba Ramdev Ashram to treat the gay or lesbian, which the man in saffron has claimed to have treated earlier terming the gay and lesbian an infection?

So sadistic and so pathetic!! I will not be surprised any longer if tomorrow the apex court declared that we should walk by our head but not by our foot because it’s unnatural. Nothing is logical and scientific. This terrible judgement is reflection of how they have also socialised and how much their decision making capacity has been affected by their own narrow minded brought up! I can’t understand how other type of human are so inhuman towards another human just based on their caste, sexual orientation and religion? How come such judgement can be passed in a country which boasts as a largest democracy? It’s truly a blot, shame and barbaric verdict ever happened in the history of this country. Even keeping the section 377 in the chapter of sexual offence in the Indian Penal Code itself is the biggest mistake and the most surprising thing is that even after question has been raised, moral ground has been put against the human right violation of section of a people; such verdict by the apex is totally unacceptable. Moreover the fucking politicians like Sushil Kumar Shinde and Kapil Sibal are commenting that is the verdict of the highest court so they are bound to obey it!! Wow!! This is truly a wow moment? When did the politicians have obeyed to the rule set by the SC or any judgement of the HC in a state? For that matter, how come the cultural of untouchability, caste discrimination, dowry system, honour killing, and extra-judicial killing in Kashmir, North-east, and Chhattisgarh in the name of militancy, naxalism and insurgency has not been solved by the politicians? This whole system of politics, judgement, verdict and highest court is becoming a joke day by day. One should not be surprised if next time rape is happened to a woman, such verdict may come up saying that the woman made him so aroused so he was not able to resist but has to rape her!!!

This is happening in 21st century and this can happen only in India, nowhere else! This is Incredible India!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

The man in the uniform!

Whole my life I always hated the man in uniform. May be it was the memory and the experience which has been deeply painted in my mind since childhood. When I was a kid mom used to ask to rush back home and live inside the home whenever the military colour huge vehicles stop by our village. Then while growing up, my school bag would be searched every early morning by the patrolling army and they would asked us every morning where are we heading to in their broken Manipuri ascent. In the cold and bitching winter we have to answer with a heavy breath and holding our sweating forehead that we are going for tuition in our school, to a place 11 km away from my home. Sometime they intentionally made us scared while asking questions like in what party we belong to and helplessly & hopelessly we would stand like an accused ready to take any punishment they would give us.

Every morning mom and dad would drop me till the road where my friends used to wait for me to start for our cycle journey till school. Whenever I go home and the voices of honking buses at 3 am would suddenly awake my fear and anxiety of living in those time. I woke up with a haunted fear of losing myself every morning where I had to face the patrolling armies at 4 am and answer their questions. I would always stand with teary eyes beside my friend Santosh who would be standing in a long line of men pulled out from the local bus every morning for body search. After so many years and almost a decade of living in Delhi, after learning the meaning of democracy, learning the law of this land and knowing how much injustice has been done to us as a human and citizen of this country, I can never forgive the state, every silent men and women of this country which colonized not our home but our soul every now and then. Their grief, their malice would surely give a smile to me and those who lost their lives to their silence. What made me broke down and cry every time I visit home is not the sounds of gunshots and bloodshed of state and non state armed groups but how we have become immune to the unnatural death of so many people who lived among us. The very unnatural trait of this phenomenon has been made so natural in our day to day life. It's just part of our life, everyone said.

I could recall the day I was coming back from school with Santosh and Issac and they have been isolated and carried away in a corner to question. I had to stand nearby our cycle holding their bags and praying from inside please God don't let anything happen to my friends. At the same time, I dream many horrible things about myself. What would happen to me, will they kill me too after they killed my friends and apart from that many horrible things even horrible than death which could happen to a girl. Sometime we started living with so much of suspicion among each other. While cycling 3-4 of us together in that tiny road I would be doubting on my own friends in school uniform and asking myself what if anyone of them have been found out as related to some banned organisation and what if we all have been caught. Every morning and night the only haunting dream of my parents were to see me coming back home safely. I never assumed whole my life those men in uniform are human, have a soul, have a body which can been killed, filled with veins carrying the same red colour fluid like in my body. I saw them as bunch of machine gun walking tall and I thought they are sent from another planet everywhere, jumping like the scary animals in some jungles with their thorny hats till the time I listen to the human behind that uniform.

The space I have always avoided whole my life was being interacted with man in uniform. I even avoid my friends husband or boyfriend who joined the institution of uniform and defense. I always hated that it's a place where human machine are manufactured, human robots are preserved. I makes me more annoyed was stupid foolish women going gaga over the man in uniform rather knowing the politics of this institution and uniform. One of my colleague said girls go crazy with man in uniform and  I won't be surprised if my fiancee said one day that he slept with a woman. You know girls are crazy about them. I just said hmm and said it depends, first we have to check whether they are really human. Then she got what I mean to say and never start that topic in the lunch table. I literally hate this kind of corporate women without a brain except they know is how to use computer and of course whatsapp or whatsass!!

But life gets you different lesson. It was the episode of Dhantewalla in 2010 which shocked me seeing 76 dead bodies of CRPF people lining up on the road, most of them belonging to the remote villages of UP and for the first time I shed some tears for those man in uniform while seeing their family crying in the tv news, their mud house, their old parents and half naked kids. That was the time I started knowing the double facets of victim-hood. Now also I do not want to believe that they join the force because they aggressively love their country and they know what is the meaning of nationalism. I was not crying for that made-to-believe machine in the uniform but of the man behind that uniform made up of blood and flesh and who has been killed as pawn in the war for nothingness but for the benefits of corporate and politicians. Let it be state or non-state armed people both the category belong to poorest of the poor group or middle class family who either fight for an empty stomach which has been kicked mercilessly or a family who eats basic non-nutritional food but dream of a comfortable life of a live-able home, a car, a family, a happy wife with a pride. Both the group do not belong to the dynasty of Gandhi, kings or whatever. I will not go to the question of nationalism and love of this country. Till now that's not even in my illusion, I can't understand whole my life and I hate aggressive campaign of nationalism by the upper caste people in this country and I do not believe in the existence of their nation excluding the poor, north east, kashmir, tribals, dalits, beggars and women at large and without those who die without knowing a life they have been gifted with this life.

Then here I met some snobbish type of girls in an institution and told me I really like that army guy. He is too smart and dress so well. That's the first time I got so offended about what someone I like. I was like no way what the hell I was doing from last one year. I need to get over and run away from what I'm thinking and shared what I felt to my close friend saying I'm so shattered. But it was after giving some thoughts I initiated to have a conversation with that man in the uniform. What makes me more vulnerable was knowing the very human, filled with blood and flesh, insecurity and loved of his own life and unlimited dream like anyone of us. May be knowing him helps me to break every piece of my hatred and instead I'm more able to understand and blamed the politics, institution and rules set against their willingness.

But I'm still left with the illusion that whether those girls who were going gaga over him was really ready to feel that human behind that uniform, feel the pain of that man in uniform whenever he leaves for his operation in a dense jungle when he know that he is fighting for an unknown enemy created out of nothingness and at the same time he can not do anything against the institution, system and the rules of military law. I do not know really how love, affection and attraction has been defined by the women of this era, by their computerized brain and whatsapp addicted heart??

 As far as I know them I don't think any of them seems to reads politics of Maoist, Army, CRPF, Dams, minerals-mines, patents, corporate, border and the very man in uniform who they have been going gaga. I could not even see the anxiety in the eyes of that woman to understand the fear in his eyes of his life, dream and a willingness to be like anyone of us to live a safe life. What made me really annoyed and irritated was what they saw in him. A brave machine with six peck, high-tech mobiles, his personalized vehicle waiting outside the institution to escort him, his short and smart hair cut, his biceps and his cleanly ironed dress, but in all the above description, there have not mentioned anything related to his being a human, that willingness to be loved, cared, blood, flesh, insecurity, pain, fear and dream! Or may be they are just wanting a prospective body they can perfectly advertised to the world. What the world believes, the brave soldier!! But what I know was different, he is just fragile, insecure, love his life, dream like us, feel the pain just like anyone of us, has the tear-ducts and it is not the politics of his uniform all I know but the human behind that uniform and only thing I hated were what all those women like to own and love, apart from his soul, all I hated was that uniform which made him look like undead and immortal to those girls!!!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Malice of a lover!!

I thought I have learned enough to live this life with full recipe of how to protect my own emotions and to be happy all the time. But there is nothing like you will be happy all the time. In fact  that sounds to boring and deadly for me. Some moments of pain, shattered and making you feel you almost lose yourself is something push you ahead in life. Also I rather learn how to understand the deepest meaning of love and who could be the one for whom I should even give myself only when I feel so much of pain because of a malice of a lover and a friends. No one truly wants your sparkling smiles, let it be your lover, let it be your friend howsoever close he or she is. And truly it's a human psychology. What I love most about this life is that something is always changing and moving ahead every now and then.Nothing is permanent and everything is so exciting. It does not give the feelings of wearing the same old clothe and same old honey money talks. I'm someone who brutally loves to be honest and who brutally hurts everyone around me including my own parents saying what don't want them to be interfered in my own life. So this rule applies to everyone. I guess, sometime I hurt people with such a straightforward approach but I always believe they later on learn to understand what I want from my life and what line I want to draw between us.

This birthday was a very special one especially because I was free on my own birthday and not having any exam. This is the only birthday where I was living with very special emotions of being in love with the one I have dream of for a year, having that keys in my hand of my own flat and being so positive for the first time. Everything looks so beautiful for a while and I know something sooner or later will come to test me again whether I really stood by where I'm now. A bigger challenge and a bigger change in my emotions. And of course it happened. Even before I'm not able to sink into the emotions of falling in love with a guy I dream of, he suddenly has to break the bad news and of course good news for himself. What not I have done for a whole night. Spent a cocktail night with friend, talked to every good friend, every pathetic person on the earth to know what I'm thinking and what is in my mind. That's very funny part of me. Because when I choose to take decision unlike any other person, pursue a life of my own believing on the set rule of my own, why the hell I had gone to that extend to listen to the pathetic suggestions of those who can't even take a stand on their own and living a life which I can not dream of myself. I would be lying if I say I never feel lonely, I never wanted to be with the man of my dream but that does not again mean that I should keep all the time in a vulnerable position that anyone can come and hurt me.

There is nothing good or bad about this life. Except thing we could do is doing what makes us feel good. I was suffocated from a day when he almost compare with a fruit that he no longer wants to eat and I was feeling terrible of my own position and saying to myself Oh God he took me in that way!!! Sometime it's is terrible and pathetic to feel terrible about yourself but one should always cross check instead of pulling down oneself whether it is worth or not to own such comparison and such position one has put you in his life. I know love is terrible and difficult but I'm more fond of love's unconditional stand and honesty. May be I'm losing that thing to so soon or may be I'm right now standing on a terrible shoes and may be I just need to get rid of it. So I just spoke to my college friends and just asked them to catch up with me in the one of the most peaceful place-among the books and spent the wonderful time with ginger tea and lots of sandwich. Before paying the bill I just said, hey I'm beginning a new episode of my life and I have learnt a new lesson in life today so let it be called as a break-up party and let me pay the bill. What love about my friend was that so many of them are frantically calling me, engaging me and asking me where I'm and what I'm doing all the time. Everyone of them just hate to see a serious, moody and non-smiling face of mine and making every possible effort to restore every piece of smile on my face. Sometime I can't imagine a life without all of them. Missed terribly Shreema who would listen patiently every piece of my narration and absorb to herself just to make me feel lighter. Suddenly she has to leave for Philippines and we are not in touch somehow when I spend the difficult one day of this year. Linda already made the cocktail plan in the midnight, Rohit keep on calling just to make sure that I'm alright even though he was busy with his exam, Neha and Akriti were tapping me every now and then just to let out everything in my mind, Lanleima is making call and messaging me every now and then even compromising her court time. Not to forget Vijay skipping his lunch time and talking to me almost an hour and Prabha reminding me I'm not what I'm feeling now and it will be just momentary.
 I don't know to whom I should thank of this life and for so many friends who would do anything to bring the smiles on my face. Once I changed to a new dress which my friends gave me as a birthday gift and I always kept to wear when he will be here in Delhi, I suddenly change everything in my mind. I adore myself with the best thing I had today. The new make up kits, the new dress, the new shoes. And I said I did not buy this to make others pleasant but to make myself feel good and look good. Once I step out from home and catch up with my friends in the small corner of the Oxford library with so many interesting books and discussing about my all time favorite politics, Arundhati Roy, insurgency, Maoist, CRPF and north-east, Kashmir, corporate I truely feel powerful and all that pathetic and pitiful feeling seems to have drained away at bay. I thought the library was almost filled with our debate, laughter and full of positive energy. Moreover no one was judging on other though we all have different opinion about our life, politics and parties. I thought how terrible humans are, we never acknowledge the love and affection of so many people around us but we literally run after the one who would bring the pain and malice in your life. With a smile I cam e back home and I know I'm writing all the bullshits out here in my blog but this is really making me feel awesome.

Above all this night I'm again falling in love with the person I'm, again I'm that person who sets her own rule, always believe in smiling even in pathetic situation in life, disbelieve in anti ageing cream for looking alive and kicking and finally I regain I idea of falling in love again even after I thought he will took away everything I had and left me without a hope.

I know I choose the most difficult path in my life to follow my heart unlike other, without even a spot of doubt then I should no longer fear the malice, pain, sadness and moments of breaking down into pieces when it comes to falling in love with the one dream of, though I just have to be careful of the proviso that, unless the person don't have enough respect and can't maintain the dignity of my own stand, rather started thinking that I'm just an easy piece to get rid of, I should be just leaving at that moment only. There is no time in life to own one's opinion in my life.What one holds as his/her opinion about me is the reflection of the socialization they have been brought up. I'm no one to correct them and make them a better person. The one who does not deserve a space should never be wasted with a space in your life or even in your room.