Mama what is Love?

Is it too late to ask this question "Mamma what is Love?"

Aha!! Seeing too many things in a day make me so confused. The best question I can ever asked is only to "ME". These days biggest question is what's love and marraige? Just like I have written my status in my forehead people would ask me when are you going to marry? Hmm no one is understanding like my parents...they never asked me when do I wanna commit for the big step? Beacause they knew what I want from life other than a trophy husband. Sometime I surprise and asked is it getting married solution for everything. There is one advantage of living here in Punjab. That's I can realise how important is marraige to them. People go crazy with the name "marraige". If one is not getting married at the age of 26yrs, its like a crush...don't tell me now I'm critizing and looking at the negative side..!!! This is not my pre-conception and I'm not living in those era where man has to go the jungle and cut woods for cooking and hunting animals for food. I'm now living in a place where the corporate employees are filled by 60% of women?

Simple question is where are we going? Question is that why are women still lived with such a big sense of insecurities when they are enough to stand for themselves? There is no emotional bonding, if so how is it possible when somebody is marrying a man/woman after seeing a photograph or after a few days of show casting each other?

My roomate, a software engineer lived her life in frustation because she is 26 yrs now.Every weekend she has to showcase herself in front of a stranger. If he liked her then she will get married, otherwise she has to tolerate about people bitching around of man disapproving her. Why I feel pity is that they are not born with the fredom to dream. She would sometime cry like why is God not making me married me so soon and keeping my parents in so much of tension and stress. Another girl living in next door would come every night and chat with my roomate, what  has she learnt about cooking and what her gonna be husband love to eat. I'm like "this is too much" . If the self proclaimed feminist listen to their conversation, they would have been ostracised. Every night the only concern in my roomate mind is that she should get married before she reached the big 27 yrs. She would say her  beloved  boyfriend that she is ready to get married within 20 days if the guy is suitable for her. I surpringly aksed her what about your boyfriend if you both are not getting married. She simply answer "arre yaar..you don't know anything. we are going around for more than ten years, we can't forget each other but caste problems and I don't want to hurt my parents."

Just a big sighh and long hmmm from me and just replied like "badhiya hain..mast life hain".

Another senior of me going around with her boyfriend since then they were in class IX. they are going around from past 15 yrs. The guy was a poor and a lanky fellow at those days. The girl was rich and beautiful. The girl stood by his side for 15 yrs but now the guy is in good job and he is running away and he is commited and will marry her just for the shake that "what will people talked about me if I don't get married to her". Sometime I told my senior that just sit together and try to find out those essence of emotions when you guys met 15 years ago, but sadly those essence were pricelessly destroyed and they can't be together again and never be happy with each other. But I know they will get married for sure because I knwo very well this guy..he is afraid of the world and what people will talk about him if he dump his girl friend of 15 yrs. Now everythig is lost and where is the love? Can they find out again?

So now tell me... don't you still get confused and don't you wanna ask your mama the same question?

One fine day I called up my mother and asked do you really feel that I should get married now? Wow, my mom was so cool unlike other's mom..she was like..stayed at least fro  2 yrs...I think you should enjoy now.There is no life after marraige.

I jsut say Thank God. At least they are not in tension beacuse of me. When was growing up Mama used to advice me..don't go for money, looks of a man but the one who is honest and educated. I used to say..Mama I like handsome guys. Then Mama says looks will go with ages but honesty remains...but I didn't follow her words, I run after the most handsome senior in school, also most brilliant student. It ends up with a broken pieces of my heart. Some years later I fall a cute friend, then again I found his cuteness more irritating..further I enjoyed my singlehood for some years then I again caged myself with the love of a man "not so good looking", but he seemed to be an honest guy just like Mama mentioned. Aha..this time I'm following what my Mama said and I was happy thinking that finally I have become mature and understood real feelings. It again proved me so wrong and result was almost fetal...I still don't know how should I conclude this time...but I feel lucky to be escaped instead of feeling the pain of loosing him. Should I conclude finally like Mama he was not good looking but he was not honest too in my terms...

So this time I'm going home and I'm gonna sit next to my mama and ask promptly "Mama what is love?"

My miracle motherland....

It was just like yesterday how much I was frightened with the noise of gunshots just next to my gate...even the July rain was ashamed to compete with these artificial rainfall of gunshots. I was angry and thought this land has no share for me. I hate to remember what happened to this land. I feel like it is a crush even thinking  that Oh!I'm born in this place and it made me suffered with so many troubles. It made me work like hell..and it let me faced artificial calamities of poverty and stagnant life which leads nowhere.

But I realise lately that I was wrong and I'm also among those cowards who loved to complain and romanticised the misery of the people in home with a bottle of English wine, cigar and idolising the famous Cuban revolutionist Guevara. What about thinking ourselves to change? Let’s forget about being act now? Acting comes later after we think something..It depends on how we think but we need to think in the right way first to act correctly. Complaint enough about politicians, bureaucrats, teachers, engineers, doctors and peons etc etc. But what have we tried to correct it except shouting? Are we really helping to correct the system when we don't wanna get dirty of our hands and we are just coward that we are enjoying here a secure life while our parents are left amidst the blanket of stray bullets? Aren't their life not worth like ours or aren't we giving an excuse saying that there is no work?

Yes, there is no work but not for those who wanted to work? By the way who is complaining about corruption in home? Do we ever point to our parents if they are among those corrupted people? Nope, we don't then why are we shouting today when people who lived a distress lives and whose right to life has been exploited by one of our corrupted father in some years back?

No one wanna listen to the big questions and No one like the truth but everybody these days dream to become an activist in his or her own right at the cost of the money which their corrupted fathers/ forefathers exploited by executing illegal work in the govt. offices.

I was chatting with a friend in the evening. He got frustrated listening to the news of CC higher secondary and Model Secondary being burnt by the unknowns. He said he never wanted to go back to home and he has no share to this land. Understood enough of such feelings of frustration and even I used to get frustrated before but was it a solution? Or does it make any change to me, my family or society at large? Not at all then what is the fun of getting frustrated?

Simple question I wanted to ask is that in case these unknowns have got the enough facilities and sent them to higher education and have a respectful life...will they come and burn the CC higher sec and Model school just for fun? Are we born with some extra balls so we are so kind  and seems to know humanity today or these people are born as nuts? This is just an example. It doesn't justify their act but why are we so brave of pointing finger on those people who do illegal activities and declare themselves as unlawful. Life of people of Manipur would have been different if it is a routine from the ages if protest against those people who governs the law and practice illegal work legally. No one protest so far if an officer asked for the extra money to execute a file in a govt. office who has been paid from the money of the people. We think it is a pride and we should give it and nothing wrong in doing so if my work is done? From years it is habit for them to continue in the form of custom and who is the looser? Those people who are at the receiving end and their kids are today on the road and expressing their anger and not so respectful life lived by them by burning and destroying everything.
Whom to blame now? Those class X failed militants who are abusing every moment and are just a toy of those politicians and bureaucrats and rich maniacs? Or those politicians, corrupted fathers who asked for the extra money to execute his work and duty? By the way do we ever ponder to think that these class X failed millitants are also humans and have a soul and mortal like us?

Time to think. If require quite the foreign wine, cigar, stop reading Marx theory, communist theory and applying them in home. It's our miracle motherland, not Russia, French, or a Japan. It's a land we live so let’s put our brain instead of applying communist theory and let’s forget Che Guevera for a while..as we know no Guevera is possible among us because Guevera’s father was not a corrupted politicians, reckless doctor, mean bureaucrat, engineer.

Let’s not talk about raining gunshots, the merciless militants, corrupted politicians, bureaucrats, engineers and teachers. If you want to change then it's time to tight your sit belt and leave for home and be a participant instead of being a spectator. You don't need to challenge the politicians, militants and bureaucrats but only being as a performer in your field.

Whatever we say and people romanticised in the misery of Manipur, we can't forget how we grow up, how we sang those rhythm songs without a music in the vast fields, No one can enjoy those feelings of how our Ema's narrating those stories of Laikhushangbi, Kabu keiyoiba, mabung taret thabaton whenever we irritated her in the late night and denied to sleep. Can I forget those late nights of Krishna Jarma..when Ema and I would wait for the radio drama program in the midnight and sleeping in her lap. Nothing can buy such peace in life..not by luxury of the city and a life full of achievements, money and modern equipments. I no longer enjoy the air conditioned room in a corporate office where human dignity is raped every moment ....rather I would love to sleep behind those bunch of bamboo plants near my courtyard listening to the songs of births and watching those ants fighting so hard and collecting their food for an anticipating rainy day!!!

Isn't it so beautiful enough for us to remember and miss the land we are born?

Aha!! Thats why I called this land as "My miracle motherland....!!!"

Dedicated post to my gutsy  and beautiful friends in home. Kudos and salutes to you guys...I'm joining you guys soon.

I want you to pay for this!!!

Why sometime I became so weak and weird? Why sometime I lost control over my tears? Why I distrust the word "trust"? Who would pay for this?

It would be you who have to pay the due. I'm no longer the one who should bear the burden of your wrongdoings and cover you up everything from everybody, thinking that everything will be fined. Nothing is fined so far. Trying to cover up so many wrongdoings of people I have become just a volcano of emotions. I no longer burn me silently and left as nothing.

With so much of innocence in my eyes and with so many dreams I build up every relation but what I recieved it just a betrayal which still awake me every single night and living like a melancholic. I also wish for a peaceful sleep and I never wanted you meeting in my life and giving a name to the relations and broke every dream and play with my innocence.

It's so easy to forget and I tried hard because I don't blaming myself and you my friend but now I need to step out of your life and lead a life giving you any space. In fact you deserve space in anybody's life and space. What you see from a person is how much you can gain from that person. How wish to live life without betrayal. How wish to smile and laugh so loaudly without pulling myself with the feeling of doubt and fear.

Just like the ripples of waves repaeted strike the bank of the river, your betrayal, presence , absence and love, care, hatred, everything is just a useless space to me which I no longer wish to keep within me.

For everything you did I want it you to pay now.