Coding with a name??

Some friends including women brand me and Shreema as men-hated feminist. And this is something really funny and sometime annoying for the fact that giving an appropriate answer to a man who unreasonably show off his male ego is not an anti-men and this is not called a task of feminism. My way of calling a woman a feminist is not about asking the men and society that "I want to be like man" but simply asking don't encroach my space, let me enjoy my womanhood. I never wish to be a man, simply I don't have any intention to hate every man though most of them are not worth of loving.

It's a vague allegation that feminist hate man and they are against the man ideology. But the fact that feminist are the only women who can love a man without attaching to any social and material benefits. The only woman who can love a man for what he is; without looking for a gain and status is a feminist but they will never compromise their individuality and that may be a threat to most of the man. But branding them as man -hated bunch of women is a false implication. So far I set free my man to walk away from my life without even asking him to stay back for a moment when he chooses a different path then it does not mean I hate him or do not want to be with him. It's simply giving space to someone to enjoy their own freedom of taking a decision, I will never bind a man with few teardrops, blackmailing or whatever, that's beyond my dignity and that will disguise my concept of being in love. I believe in setting someone free and I don't believe in showing off to the world and society in large that we are together for a decade while they are not even together within four walls of the room.

Nowadays its a trend a husband and wife saying each other "I love You" and I miss you in Facebook and other social media. And literally I wonder when they even write they had wonderful sex in their marriage and this is how people are so obsessed of maintaining their image as so called lovely-dubby couple when they are pole apart even in their bedroom. Once a friend called me and we were seating in a restaurant to catch up after a long time and after 15 minutes what he started was about how his wife is nagging him and he being in trouble as he can not divorce her and from next day onward I stop taking his call but I still show both of them doing all kind love you honey in Facebook. I don't understand the meaning of such marriage and even maintaining a relationship of such kind. Why I hate such type of men is that they don't even have the respect of the woman whom he is sharing a bed and who else he can respect in this world? And I don't see any point of even sharing a conversation with such men who would open their mouth to criticize their own wife.

When I'm fond of someone or even in love I can not hide and it's very obvious from my behavior towards him. People are so conscious and so judgmental when it comes to someone telling their true emotions but how hypocritical they are when it comes to showing off. My concept of feminism is living in a world where I can freely express my love and saying freely to a man that I owe him my love without any fear of judgement. In school, I hardly interact with boys in my class and they all branded me as men-hated women. But I left everyone with a stunt face when they came to know that I asked out for a coffee date to my senior, who everyone thought of belonging to a different status. And everyone judged me as dominating girl who did something odd and out of tradition. When we broke off after his two-in-one theory was unfolded, everyone judged me again saying it was ought to happen instead of understanding my emotions of being cheated. When I confront everyone said why you had to do since you have asked him out. This is how the world judge when a woman choose the one they love instead of giving that decision only to a man. That's contrary to what pseudo-intellectuals thinking that feminist are male-hated group. And first of all demanding for a equal right and space does not mean shadowing the existence of men, rather than asking men to swallow their ego and give the space to the women that has been unnecessarily occupied by them.

Well and good. I don't mind some men even thinking that I hate their male chauvinist mind who claimed that men and women are not brought up equally and so it's justified to look down woman. I'm rather in a safer space if they hate me too. I know to whom I can fall in love and I do tell them for sure that I do owe my love to him; I will keep on telling whoever I fall in love and that's my concept of feminism where I will not have any fear to be in love with a real man!

Of politics without women!

I live in a super power country which is secular as written in constitution but people are too religious and even killed each other. I live in a country where women are put in a very high regard as according to the Shastra, the holy unused books but thousands of women die every year in the dowry death and some of them are even killed in the womb only.

Truly said by Indira Swaney that in our country caste is above the women. This country's politics has not included women as a part of the country. Lets take an example of women reservation bill still pending or blocked in the parliament. Some half baked intellectuals will argue now men and women are equal so why there should be a reservation. Only answer I can give is that do you know darling how does it feel like pre- mensuration syndrome and how much it pain? Simple reason is that a politics, a law which do not embrace the basic needs of the women can never be a complete politics and a complete law. A man howsoever good or gentle he is he can never understand every need of a women so as the requirement of women politicians, judges, police. Thousands of rape cases are never proved because of the male police atrocities when the complainant come to file the case. Most shocking case was one the rape case in which Karnataka High Court giving a mitigating factor to the accused saying he is already married, have children and have served the jail for two years then shockingly concluding that the parties have come to an agreement. Was rape a contract where an agreement can be brought between the parties by giving some compensation? This is where how even the law exploits women, which is believed to be established for protection of the weaker section of the society. Now the whole country will support both educated and uneducated BJP/RSS baby and its terrific leader as Prime Minister of this country. I'm not interested in Hindu-Muslim politics and it's beyond my understanding as I don't believe in belonging to any of the religion. For the fact that I would rather eat both pork and beef showing by distasteful flavor of belonging to both Hindu, Muslim or any religion. But I will not forget what RSS commented to the rape victim of Delhi being her own fault and attacking of the pub going girls in Banglore and of course the famous pink panty campaign. 

When it comes to suppression of women all the religion, all the politicians, all the lawmakers joined hand. Because it is not even secondary. What's making BJP a all time crying baby is that since Independence they have always been defeated by congress. I can bet everyone that they may bring down the rate of dollar, may end the corruption but will surely put veil on our face and the women of this country will see the doom day worst than we are seeing now. How can the whole mass of this country support or even not say a word when a bloody old men commented that women should not step out of the home, the whole problem arises when they do so and even blame the rape victim who was brutally murdered. 

What kind of development will happen to this country when even after the 67th Independence day, we still don't count women being a participant of the society rather than treating them as their subordinate and helper?  Of course law is male, politics is for male and for the good reason, no men will stand up for the rights of the women, on the funniest part they will never suggest to build a women's toilet in the highways! Huh they will still say how would it be possible for women travelling to a highway. This is for men and we don't need a toilet when there are so many standing trees waiting for us to give us a shade. 

This happens even from the pre-independence era where women folk who have initiated the demand of women's voting rights have been outcast as being nasty while the whole country was demanding for the Independence from British. That independence British has granted was for a country and for the men and their freedom, perhaps we remain in the same position as those colonized people to our men, our family, our society, our culture, our law and our politicians! 

Of a smile which never die!

When I get really tired and really surrender myself to my body, I simply wish everything around me looks as beautiful as his smiles! We don't talk, we don't communicate, but somehow I'm still hanging on every moments where he would pretend something from smiling and I would suddenly followed him with a crook smile without any reason. Life has given so many reasons to be worried, so many reasons to be defeated, many of them came to break me into pieces, left me with tears but somehow I have managed to reconcile myself to gather all the broken pieces at a place. And he came at a time when I was all conquered by fear of losing myself and leaving with nothing but every broken pieces of hateful memories. With him I learn nothing but to smile without a reason. May be that's the only thing I needed to learn at that time -just giving an effort to bring a smile on my face. I really could not find a reason to smile, everything lapses in front of me and everyone makes me feel I'm that loser and no one come and tell me where should I stop crying. I thought everything ends finally without leaving a hope of living on my own. Why was those bad days, why was those unfaithful people and why was those faithful tears, came together at one time only and tortured me, I still have answer for none.

Well, time changes everything, it's not like earlier I used to meet him everyday, had to rush for the day and catch up with him but still I try remembering his smile only. And simply there is no other reason of doing so, neither I wish to fall in love with him nor I'm dyeing without him, it just that his smile carries that magic, even by remembering him suddenly bring that moment where I learn smiling from him at those hard times. And I suddenly wish if he asked his usual question "why I'm laughing" just to excuse himself from smiling in front of everyone with or without reason known to everyone.

I know there is huge difference between us, a huge gap of ideology starting from the idea of nationalism, what he loved and what is he ready to fight for is something that can never be part of my ideology but best part is that we respect our own space and give due regard to that. I never cross my limit nor he does while he shows his affection to me without a dot of doubt and without any ill-feelings. Everyone accused me why did he give you more importance than us, why did he always agree if you ask him something and simply how come you know he does not take tea and he will be wearing a white shirt today! First time in my life,  my guess come true and I left everyone with a question mark. That was the fun part. But with due regard and respect to everyone's question, I will still rate him the best person, best human I have ever met, the one who do not hesitate to say what he feels is right, the one whose face for the first time I could see the human emotions. I was in love, in hate many a times but there I could never see any true emotions in one's face. Everyone of them looked so dull and fake. May be these are few things that pulled me sometime to walk alone in that lone corridors where I used to wait everyday of his coming and of his going till he walked beyond the fathom of my vision 

This memory has no end, it ties with nothingness, it bypassed the flying waves of time from it's attempt to erase what it acquired so hard. What we had was an unnamed love, affection, admiration, respect, a dignified relationship of comrades which seeks nothing but an unaffordable memory. A memory of two people who just love smiling across the empty corridors, across the crowd and sometime while seating alone and basking to a memory lane, without giving a reason, without answering anyone. 

Beloved!!

What's in the name? Exactly I'm questioning with myself from so many days why suddenly I'm so much in love with this word "beloved". So many things in mind and I keep on thinking when I'm travelling in metro, sitting in office bus and sometime alone with a cup of tea in the office corridor. Want to write a memoir of the home, the beautiful land, green fields, about those migratory birds in Loktak Lake, my beautiful childhood with my cousins and about those lives which are uncounted and lost in a blink, of those friends of mine in govt. school, whom I'm no longer in touch and a life without competition.

Have lots of friend now also and they are exceptionally good to me but still somewhere in the corner of my heart I still seek for a kind of friendship that I used to have with my school classmates in govt. school and my local friends. Their life was obviously without a career, competition and a dream to be success but apart from their love and simplicity, I could never feel anything else when I was with them. Whenever I go home, I usually switch off my Delhi number and used to hang out with my locality friends. One thing which make me so good is them saying you have not changed at all and that makes me feel that they still take me as one of the girl with whom I used to spend whole my childhood. Series of friends from different schools, colleges, Universities, job and so many but I rather miss those cute friends in the school.

In my last visit to home, met once my best friend Gangarani, still the chubby and talkative girl who used to do my homework whenever I ignore to do. She used to stand in the back handle of cycle and I used to drop her till her home. Life made me sometime too selfish and mean too. Have not asked even once after school how is she and never visited in so many years but life has changed the chubby girl to a someone who has to challenge every difficulties even from losing her father and had to bear all the financial burdens of family while working as a teacher to the same school we have studied.

And about Sangeeta, one of the most beautiful and lovely friend I have lost after my school. Met her after a long time when I was in graduation 2nd year in Miranda House. She could not recognize me with my change in the size, of course and I was almost shock to see her with two kids when she was so young. Lost with words I just hug her elder daughter and said make her studied till the highest degree. She understand what I meant to say and I said sorry to her for not even asking about her marriage. After I got so much engaged with my secondary school, I have lost contacts with all of them and most of them got married when they are not even 20 years without anyone to guide them and for them getting married was the only option they could see for future. Followed by another story of scandalous elopement of another classmate Roshini, believe to be one of the most beautiful and every boy in the school peep through the broken wall just to watch her but she too had the same faith.

Starting from schools, I was never fond of boys usually, its always a ego clash for me but when we met now they just smile and say you are a grown up girl now. We still remember you as the simplest and cutest among the girl though most of the time you ignore us like we are too bad. It was told by the guy against whom I report to the Principal for dancing on the teacher's table and make him penalized for a week. He proudly said to me congrats when I stopped by his shop to buy black petrol when there was economic blocked. He said, I will fill your scooty with the good quality petrol though I mixed them with kerosene. Everything seems just like yesterday how we used to fight in the school and now they took me as somebody in a different zone and that makes me more uncomfortable. He told me, I saw your book release picture in the newspaper, you are too famous now and it is written so nicely about you. I just told him, no one appreciates as much as you guys do and I felt so sorry for the fact that somewhere I also ignore them. Their thoughts never come to me and I didn't even count them as friend. When I look back all my invitees in the book release function was only from my teachers and friends in the private schools. I thought how come I have become so selfish when these friends still love me so much and still think that I'm one of them.

Whenever someone cheat me or hurt me, I always thought I'm getting it because I ignored one of the best friend/person without his help I would not even complete my secondary school. That's my friend Santosh who would wait for me every morning, evening and whenever I want him to be there for me. Even my boyfriend would never do that and they would not sacrifice and encourage me for my study as much as he did. In school days, he almost took it was his duty to take care of me as I'm the only girl among them to cycled for so long. He would even dropped me till my home though he was tired and hungry after the school. Waiting for me in my gate sometime in the early morning for the tuition and sometime waiting for me in the school gate for hours till my practical class gets over, I do not know someone else would ever do that in my life. That was not the end, none of my high-fi friends came to pick me up when I went to Bangalore for IPR course in National Law School. He came without asking him twice, picked me up, make the most delicious fish curry for me, introduced me proudly to his friend and said you know all friends know about you because I keep on telling about you. It was sometime too much for me to see so much of affection but he never change what he knew about me since school days and till today he hope we will be like those good friends in school.

He always kept his promise and it's me who always ignore him, even avoiding him to meet when he was staying for two years in Delhi. I don't know why I even hide from him in those days. I realized the fact that I was too afraid about what people talked about us. Once a too good friend and now he shifted to Delhi and he being so fond of her since school days. Moreover, I was afraid of hurting my parent's apprehension since school days that we might start seeing each other. That's main thing which kept me away from him. No doubt I was selfish responding someone with such a cold vibe but I could only say I was stupid. My friends in Delhi told me that what I did to him was wrong when he was so good to you. Still I find it too hard but do not want to remember the phase I used to ignore him without his fault. That's true that my mother do not like him as she saw him being drunk, flirting with girls, eating pan all the time and moreover his excuse of often visit to borrow my school notebooks were one of the most annoying thing for my mom. She thought he was trying to please me too much so that I fell for him. But mom did not know that I was already in a gone case regarding one of the most manipulative man I have even met till now. After mom got to know about the manipulative man when I was in 2nd year of graduation, mom like him so much when he visited me but we were already at the verge of fading a lifetime bye from each other. Well that's a history, I no longer want to talk.

But I lost the most beautiful people in my life. And this time I promise to visit the day I land home with a beautiful gift for him and I'm ready to say a series of Sorry. I hope after this write up I will feel little bit better and I know how hurtful it is when someone so close to me ignore me without my fault and I think I did the same to him. I wish I could go back and correct my behavior and enjoyed with one of the finest friend I have ever met. Whatever it is, this time I promise to myself that I will agree whatever help he asks from me-as he is already asking me to promote his coaching center and I'm ready to teach chemistry now for him. Whether I meet other friends or not I will make sure to at least make him feel that I'm always his friend and will always be there for him. It would be another trial for me to re-install his lost faith to me.

They will always be my inspiration!

It was on my last year Birthday, Sanahal wrote in my Facebook page that Sister God bless you and you are always in our prayer! That makes me shed two-three drops of tear. Ravichandra, Sanahal, Gaichuilung and Romeo are the boys in the first batch students belonging to a family of financially weaker section, which a virtual group used to support. Everyone deserves a credit for those fights, energy and time spent though I'm no longer in the group due to personal choice and differences. Sometime involving a good project is important and at the sometime saving one's dignity is rather more important. Well, leave that aside. 

Though I hardly respond to their Facebook message and request to meet them in Delhi, I do love them even as my own brother till today. Still remember the first meeting in Imphal, their innocent face and with no confidence as if they have no share in this world. With time they gain their confidence, live their own life now and it make me laugh when they wrote about their love and so many things in Facebook. I thought for a moment, they are inspiration to my life. For the rest of them, I hardly know about their family background but I'm too much attached to Ravi and his elder sister. It's not just my sympathy but of being someone so courageous and their will to fight the odds defeating every attempt of this cruel life. It was just near his class XI exam, Ravi lost his mother to cancer and he would randomly give me miss call and he was so frightened of seeing his own mother with so much of suffering. He would narrate me slowly like Ema was vomiting blood yesterday night and I had nothing say but just holding my tears and consoling him that she will be fine. We both knew that she will never be fine at that time but only thing which hold me so grounded all the time is that there are people for whom I can at least wipe their tears. I don't dream too big and make it too loud just as a noise but even giving a hope to one person that there is so much in this life is enough for me to live this life with eternity. 

Why do I have lots of conflict of interest with rest of the guy is that I wanted to help people not because I'm capable of showing sympathy, have money to help them but of because I have also lived and come across similar stages in my childhood. I don't want anybody to face it and don't want some bright student losing their life because of poverty. But finally, I do realized that I don't need a bunch of people too to help others. That's an example my friend Shreema really does. She never talked about her work and her achievements, except to me and few close friends because we discussed about what could be the best. 

I have not gone through a phase of life Ravi had experienced but I too had suffered many unwanted experiences in life, starting from living in a joint family with bunch of selfish aunties, my father being only the sole earner and my mother being the only victim as usual in any Indian lower middle class family. Like these four boys, our aim of education was different from the rest of the elite brats. We sacrificed everything for our education and that's the only path we saw to escape from potholes of poverty. My fear was more of losing my independence when I grew up as a woman and asking money from a man for doing/buying something I want. My mother is another reason I wanted to grow up soon, earn for myself and live with my own income. I set the target always and promise to myself that I will not take money from anyone once I reach the age of 24 Yrs. Just after M.Sc I decided to take up a job and do whatever I want though I sometime regretted for not continuing Ph.D or M.Phill. Then I'm much satisfied when I looked back and start thinking what would have happened to my brothers if I'm still stuck with a Ph.D? They would have been among those unfortunate kids from my locality who have been recruited or sold off (whatever it is) to some groups.  

I do not know why I'm feeling so nostalgic today of the hard time I have gone through and of those people who are inspirations in my life. Apart from my parents, people who have given me so much of support are my teachers at every stages and they are the reason for me to change from one step to another better steps in life. They are reason which I thought of giving back and even dedicating my time once to Ravi and his friends. 

Can't forget whole my life, of those beautiful people I have come across as my teachers in Khuman Maheikol especially Sir Ajit, for so much of affection and dedication he has shown to me. I still recalled that beautiful day when Sir came to my house bringing sweets to congratulate me when I came first in the state level GK and aptitude test and seeing my own photo next day in that small column in a newspaper. Throughout my school days, I used to paste it in front of my reading table and will lost into that moment. It was not about money but it was too huge at that time even getting a prize of Rs.2000 and how excited I was. That was the beginning and after that was a pleasant ride with so many teachers around me to support whenever I need them.  

After high school, I had another memorable journey in Little Master, another wonderful teacher cum founder of the school and his family being my support system. My parents sometime wonder of the fact that how come so many of your teachers have so much of affection to you when you are so arrogant and stubborn at home? It has been more than a decade that I passed out from schools but my school teachers came to bless me in the book release in Imphal and they proudly introduced me to their friends that she was one of the best student we ever had then my parents show me a question mark in their face ;). Not to forget my Physics and Chemistry teacher. In my school time, scoring the highest mark in every chemistry unit test was never been a surprise to anyone in the class and to my favorite teacher Sir Punya. I'm so proud of him as he is one of the most renowned Chemistry teacher in Manipur and founder of one of the best school too. I think at that time I was too possessive of chemistry as a subject whether I read other subject or not I was master in Chemistry sometime even solving the questions given in other textbook :). No one was surprised too when I didn't appear for any medical/engineering entrance and for coming directly too Delhi to pursue my graduation in Chemistry and then it's the university which kills all my interest in the subject making it the most useless subject I could have ever chosen to study. Lethargic professors, biased on their own choice of students, politics among them discourage us so much that I did not even think twice of returning to the faculty. But I had the most wonderful time, not to forget to mention- of my additional degree in the Law faculty. I enrolled for the course as I thought I will continue my career as a patent attorney but by the time I finished the course I set for a different plan. And now I'm in love with another subject that's Law but I still catch up with chemistry as a part of my job in the company and I do get excited whenever I have to deal with those numbers in the periodic table.  

And I wonder why I'm writing all these now? For no reason but just to sit down and start reading before it's too late and trying to back into those beautiful time to grasp some inspiration from the forgone days and from the people who had shown me so much of faith, support, love and hope towards me!

My writing and personal life?

There are people who could be included among the seven wonders! For the fact that they wish me luck to get over of my hang over in love of a old relationship, of a guy for whom I brutally hurt myself! That's really funny but I do not want to laugh in that but find rather stupid because if every writer in the world is writing something about their own personal life then I don't know what happen to Arundhati Roy which made her right God of Small things, what about Mahasweta Devi writing the breast stories? Well I do understand being unmarried of my age, people must be thinking I'm still in hang over for a long lost lover but the fact is that I'm not that mad about a man though I'm mad about love. Love is constant but not the man!

There are million love stories, million heart breaks too so I can write anything whichever I'm influenced to write but people started questioning like oh you got so angry with your guy! My goodness, that's something beyond my expectation! Why don't they understand one simple thing that I would not be writing if I'm a bonded labour in a relationship, that also in the middle of the night!

Three years back, in 2009 when we started writing poetry and was regularly updating in the blog, one of the unknown guy commented to Shreema's poem as she must be a prostitute because the poem talks about the sexual freedom a woman demanded from her life. We got so pissed off and angry but Shreema said that people are really instigated and made to think of what we write and that's a positive thing about our writing. Well, now I will have to think in the similar line. I would rather be so happy writing another Romeo-Juliet and people saying that poor girl has been left by her boyfriend of years so she is writing such a painful novel.

But in reality, I'm the most fun loving person in the world, could gel with girl in her teenage to a woman in 40's too. I'm blessed with one thing that people trust me with their heart and they share their painful moments in life that they don't even share with their own family. I have due respect for all of them and I feel that all their experiences is something I owe to them, so I do write. I would request please stop guessing about what I'm writing, just read and enjoy, that's the best option as there is nothing one can extract from my writing and nothing is related to my personal life!

Preparations !!

Everything seems to settle down and now I got so much of time after office to do what I want but for the last few months after the LLB exam I have been doing nothing but just wasting so much of time. Neither I'm writing nor I'm studying and I'm freaking out because of this! Sometime I asked myself why I'm wasting so much of time when this phase is the most crucial time for me and I wonder as I could not find any answer. Thought of joining for gym or dance classes to keep myself bit engage then I thought it would waste my time, better I concentrate on writing or study so I quit but now I'm doing nothing except sleeping 8 hrs every day and getting up late and reaching office late and coming back late :(  .

Truly I'm saddened by my own indiscipline nature. Want to get back on track and zeal that I used to have when I was in school. Waking up at 4am, cycling till Shamorou for 11 km every morning and coming back and studying till 11pm in the night and Mom sleeping in the sofa every night while waiting me to sleep. The best memory was the most relief face and hope I saw in my parents face when I was mad with my study, career and zeal to get out of the pit of poverty at childhood. Now I lack all that enthusiasm and I also know where I'm wasting my time. Huh! Giving importance to some crap and useless task! Well need not to define I feel ashamed of saying that I'm spending so much of time in so many useless task in a day!

Well, it was the first step, I deleted my account in Facebook, started to sit down and making an ambiance where I could remember of nothing but writing, writing, and studying!

I'm wishing a great luck for tomorrow morning!

Monsoon!!

The monsoon never break her seasonal visit! The muddy roads to my home, the overflowing pond in my courtyard, those tiny insects playing hide and seek and the wayward July rain quarreling on the tin roof of my house, everything drag me mercilessly into a moment of that last exchange! In every Monsoon, in every July, I counted for my lucky day, whispering on my prayers of decade old, anticipating another sudden visit, just happened in that gone July! Unlike the monsoon, unlike the July rain, you disrupted the seasonal flow and never to return!

Yellow pages!!

At my own disposal like a priest of the holy place, I turned to every page of an old diary, attempting to re-write of nothingness!! Some words still long for the untraceable memory, some are just erased significantly!!


That comes from a long way, that moment of eternity, that memory of foregone nights, that yellow pages of an old diary, I still tend to tear it off like worn out cloths, shed it away without a mercy, like you did, like you walk away, without even leaving behind trace of your footsteps!!!

Rain!

Nothing was yours, nothing was mine
I'm just asking, lets get lost
Everyone is hiding or sleeping 
It rains today 
Saving us from the peeping stars

Life's enduring journey!

Every night is like a drug to me, addicted to it's myth, it keeps me awake since the day I learn to dream. Who says that you can only dream when you fall asleep? With many untold story to narrate, with so many unrealized dreams to fulfill, I fought for every passing second until I finish to paint every piece of an enduring journey!

As usual was over the phone for more than an hour with Shreema and talking hell out of everything starting from A to Z of life, lover, betrayer and we being still the most crazy and witty women who loves life more than anyone else. Being a lover of self and knowing too much important of our own lives is the problem to the world. Sometime people are curious why are we still so happy when we are alone, lonely and have never wasted any time, money and energy on any looser in life? Hah! That's the mystery! We both lived with the believe that there is an absoluteness in love and until and unless we find that we will never compromise. What bind us so close though we lived 4000 miles away from each other is that we never judge each other and we never stop each other from enjoying life!

On loneliness
Just talking about one of our common friend and how she is falling into the trap of a dishonest man and we try to justify a bit with the loneliness of her! But then we question ourselves don't we feel lonely too but did we jump into any unworthy man so far until and unless there is something in that man. Even we think thousand times when it comes to occasional flirting. We are not thinking too much for being judgmental of whether it's moral or immoral. In fact this factor does not exist when it comes to love and it's own crazy world. It's more about why should we share the most important and most purest emotions to someone who is not worth of it?

I know many people who lived a lonely life when they are married and they are with their boyfriends and obviously talking of extra marital affairs and living with the guilt feeling whole life! Why would one do that I can not really understand. No doubt the brutality of being so truthful and strait forward nature thrown us in the bay of loneliness but we don't live with a guilt feeling and we never compromise our dignity at the cost of such loneliness!

Sometime I and Shreema talked about how fulfilling our life is when it comes to our nature of not living with a guilt feeling and our ability to stand with dignity in any situation. Whatever it is there is nothing, we would ever  compromise with self respect and dignity. That hold us so strong till today and so far we have walked thousand miles, done everything for parents that a girl of our age could never dream of, change the trend in the family, locality and we have parents who held their head so high whenever they talk about their daughter.

Whenever we count on what we both have done as a girl, on giving a different meaning to womanhood, a daughter, a sister, a writer and our involvement with the society, we both laugh out and said lets just relax and we have done so much in such a young age. For a woman of our age, they think of buying gold, furniture for marriage, finding a man with a handsome salary and more over -about settling down-that's something I don't understand till now! It's so funny when they talk about maturity and defining marriage as something settled position! I laugh out like there is something called divorce also! They find me crazy and said you are a pessimist but it's all about living with the truth and knowing the reality of life! I'm not saying that every couple should divorce but still living with my own principle that I will not compromise with something which will exploit me and my individuality!

Well, life is so far so pleasant and have gone through so much of pain but everything ends with a positive note, a great lesson of life, making me realized how important my life is and how much I enjoy my loneliness without letting any unworthy person to intrude it! So what when we have no one to hug and cry when we are alone! At least, we can walk in the rain, let it wash away the bleeding tears whilst it will leave us with an ever lasting smile.

I don't want to think too much about the future and never think about the past now. Discarded all the old scars of worthless lovers in mind just like the residue after a chemical test in the laboratory and this is not called moving on rather knowing the worth of my life than anyone else and loving something more worth than any one of them. Everything seems so fresh nowadays just like the first rain of the season, just like the charm of the innocent child, life seems too content. embracing everything in its way. It is no longer the end of the season of love rather spring's unusual visit-seeing only those smiling faces, watching only those people with so much of love, admiration at you and people who would do anything just for a spotless smile without any return and finally it learn to remember only those whose memory could make to you walk in the rain, sing and dance in its own rhythm!

Don't ask me know what I'm thinking? In fact I'm smiling thinking about someone's smiling face and literally thinking how would I say him that I missed terribly his smiling face! Nevertheless, I will not say that -what's fun when every mystery between us is broken!

There is one thing I have earned so hard in life -it is not about possessing the one you love or admired and running after him but rather giving each other a thousand watt smile and truly enjoyed to see someone living with his own freedom without bothering the chains of relations! 

Undying legacy!

Last year, I went to meet my school teacher in Little Master, Shamurou. It was such a pleasant moment when he saw his once-a-student after a long time. I could feel the joy of happiness and the warmth of his pride when he could not stop narrating his memories about how I, being a little girl, used to reach school those days with my classmate, Santosh on a bicycle from my distant village in that scary-to-remember environment and the challenges we faced. He still could not forget to care about me that he asked me to come back home, that I can earn even more than what I earn in Delhi, if I stay at home and teach Chemistry. His words made me realised how much I missed home.

What I miss the most are those school days when my teacher would wait for us at the school gate in the wee hours of winter morning making sure we reached school safely and tell such inspiring stories of how they also struggled to survive in their days, to always motivate and pour on me a hope that I also could fulfil my dream in spite of those hardship, although perhaps I didn’t even understand at that time what a dream would be like!

I always narrate these endless stories of school days and about the generosity of the people I have met to everyone I know, as a souvenir. It is such a precious episode of my life that they have created for me. May be that’s the reason I’m so attached to Shamurou, even more than my own home place, Mayang Imphal.

Even now, whenever I'm home or travelling, I would still count how many minutes it takes by a bus or a car from Mayang Imphal to Shamurou– a distance of 11 kms. I, now, feel it would be very hard for a girl to ride a cycle between them. I ask myself how, then, it used to be possible and easy for me and Santosh to cycle from Mayang Imphal to Shamurou for school daily in the early morning on those lonely roads and then again ride back after school in the evening. When I lose myself in memories of those days, sometimes I get scared and shaken, not just only about the exhaustive cycling, but also to remember how we used to be stopped by the patrolling armies in the fog, who interrogated us endlessly with clueless questions as dense as rain drops, while frisking our school bags and intimidating our little souls. Not only that, my friends in school would ask me, “Don't you get tired cycling with the boy for so long a distance?” Some would ask me, “Don't you fear cycling at 4:00 in the morning when it was still so dark?” I hardly ever used to speak to anyone those days, perhaps because I had no answer to their questions.

Our world was simple and small. We were neither blessed with luxurious and sophisticated air conditioner room nor a rich father to drop us by car or a scooter for tuition. It was neither by choice nor by passion that we rode bicycles to Shamurou every day, but by the compulsion and the strong spirit to study. For me, it was the only way to continue my studies. Neither my parents could afford a scooty nor did I wish to negotiate with their ability, just for an obstacle of the distance. Might be that's the reason I followed the legacy in the family. I took over the bicycle, which my father bought in the mid '90s for my sister, that was then passed on me. Besides, how can I ever miss to mention the love and support showered on me by my teacher that overrode that hurdle in my mind! He would smile and call us to make ourselves warm near the fireplace. He would always ask how much we had studied for the exam, an irritating question for most students perhaps, due to which most of other students were scared of him and kept away from his sight. But for me, he is the finest person I have ever met and a person near to God who has carved the lives of so many students like me and also changed the face of education in the vicinity of MayaiLambi. The warmth of his love and support was enough for me. I would call myself the luckiest among the lot to have got so much inspiration from everyone, from classmates to teachers, during my school days. It was not only during school-hours when he cared about me but also the trust and hope he had in me, the help they extended to me in those hard days. Sir would even call me out from class to inquire whether I had skipped my lunch or not. He would sometimes take me to his home and force me to eat along with his daughter in the same kitchen. Indomcha too, with a smiling face, would welcome me as her own child.

Imagine the rainy days; oh! One hand would hold the umbrella and the other would balance the cycle. Sometimes, it still angers me till now to remember. I used to complain myself the irritating attitude of those headstrongpeople driving on four wheelers when they dragged us away from the road towards the wet muddy side as if we did not pay any tax and they were the only rightful people! Even today, Roads luckily seem to have changed but people with such mind still exist on the roads.

In the mornings of Winter, where the road was so dark and foggy, we would talk loudly so that we could follow each other and would shout to hear each other – “I'm at your left; I’m at your right” That saved ourselves from crashing into each other. At times, we even had to close our eyes while riding in order to prevent from those intruding insects around and still make sure we did not fall on the ditches on the road. The biting cold, the morning dew, the mystery of the dark road and the patrolling armies were like our company, perhaps. We knew that, however, we could not take leave easily and so would meet again every morning. We were the one who would break the silence of every single dawn, wear the freezing cold air like warm jackets and dare against the cheerless questions of the patrolling armies who probably must be thinking they were guarding people in the dark. It was, in fact, joyful in the spirit of education rather than afraid of the challenges.

But time didn’t stop passing by, school days got over. I promised one thing to myself that I would never pass the legacy of this bicycle to my younger brothers, but I failed though. My brothers also, unluckily, had the same fate as mine. They took over the same cycle and also rode the same road, when one is offered with nothing more than a general strike!

I always have a mixed emotion of bittersweet nostalgia whenever I remember those years. Sometimes, I cherish it, sometimes I nurture the painful moments too. Some showed me mercy for travelling for that long distance and some raised their eyebrows with sarcasm. “Look at that girl riding a cycle as if her family can't afford even a scooty?” But the truth is that my family couldn't afford to buy a scooty for me that time. Everyone treatsbicycle as a poor man’s vehicle in Manipur, even today unfortunately. But I had to travel with that bicycle 22 km everyday to escape from a life within a hole and become capable to face the world ahead.

My journey has never been easy and I would not say today also that I loved cycling those days, though I'm still attached with the so-called poor man syndrome of riding bicycle! Huh! Funny part is, you won’t believe how the man I loved even looked down upon me during those days when he would pass by me sitting in his father's car, while I was waiting just to get a glimpse of him by the roadside, hoping he would look out for a moment from behind the window, just because of my legacy! Like his foolish heart, he built a wall between my legacy and his too. He inherited his father's old car and I, my sister's old bicycle on the same road, he also pushed me towards the wet muddy side of the road as if he deserved a bigger share of the road than me. But in our love I took a bigger share. He gave me so many dreams but he could not be part of any of my dreams! His legacy ended with time but my legacy and my dreams still keep on shining!

The Magical Six Sem!!

Finally the much awaited six semester exam got over. Now I will add another feather in my qualification. Ah! such a long list and people will get tired reading the list of my qualification. I have never thought this course will change the person I'm and will meet so many good people around. I can not recall much of having too much fun in Miranda House in my college time. May be I was too young and didn't understand exactly what I want in those days. Now I choose the subject and know what I want to learn from it.

Three years of painful, memorable and everlasting journey in the law faculty finally come to an end. I remembered the first day in the family law class and getting into an argument with few classmates who belong to a different era regarding the decriminalization of homosexuals. That was the first event which ask me to study law with my heart so that someday I can stand and fight for the one who is discriminated and ill-treated. I'm always commented of being radical in my view since my childhood. Still I'm radical about my idea of doing something different even falling in love with a worst man but I learnt to justify my radical view with the knowledge of law now. That's something so different and exciting about this subject. May be I would not have enjoyed it much if I study it just as any other subject to get a mere degree.

Well, in the past five semesters I was always in a crying mood for not able to manage office, classes, family, poetry and life beyond this. I had the most disastrous time in the personal life also in the last three years. I met so many people who taught me so many lessons, making me realized at the end of the day that you can not rely to anyone for your happiness. I learnt to embrace the solitude, melancholy nights, loneliness by choice and have started to enjoy my life as a single, independent, loving and caring woman with never blame yourself attitude.

Here come the magical six semester of LLB final year.

The classes were started as usual in the mid of January and I got few friends like Akriti, Ranjana Mam, Neha, Praveen, Ravi, Esha and Priyanka. Among them Akriti, Neha and Ranjana Mam were the closest friend to me. I started to have bonded so well with them and they have replaced my feelings of being so alone and lost in this strange city. Seems like I have slowly accepted and own this city as my adopted mother and sometime reciprocated her feelings of being my adopted mother though I always missed my real home.

I met Ranjana Mam in the fourth semester and sometime she used to drop me but I was reluctant to ask for help most of the time but she made me so comfortable that I have forgotten to realise she belong to a land which I have hated so far. She reminds me of my elder sister who is always calm and composed. She is one of the most caring and generous woman I have ever met. Seems like she had removed the hatred of being an alien inside me after few months of association with her.

 Remembered the constitution class? Some guys pointing out me for arguing in favour of Mandal commission and reservation. They even passed comments near the faculty gate as I'm being emotional as I might belong to one of the reserved category. It does not matter whether I belong to a reserve category or not, what matters is that what respect one owe to another human, also the fact is that I do not belong to any of the reserved category. Ranjana mam was one person who patiently listen and try to understand for what they do not see and understand at times. At the same time she opposed reservation! That makes me feel so special about her. Someone who is ready for a dialogue and discussion but not with a finger pointing attitude that you are  always wrong and I'm always right.

In the fourth semester she used to drop me in my earlier flat in Roop Nagar and when I have shifted to Vijay Nagar she changed her route to drop me in the present place. I'm not too good when it comes to showing gratitude but I have no words to thank her. Sometime she even used to drop the girls in my class till the metro station though her route is totally different. No idea how many people still believe in such kind of helping each other gives the pleasure proverb as we lived in a world where people even sell each other. Sometime, I would called her irrationally and ask so many things but she just laughed off to my funny questions. She is the best person to discuss about anything, whenever I needed any suggestion regarding my brothers and even buying my washing machine :) . She is open, liberal and more of a friend too so the age gap between us never brought a hindrance to our talks. We used to have so much fun on our way back while sharing my wildest new crush. Like a sister she also suggested one day you should control your smile sometime in the class because everything was making so obvious :) No doubt there is good people and I'm so lucky to meet her as my classmate, guide and a friend. She is also one person who never stops dreaming and have the guts to fight against the odd and the system in her capacity. That makes her different from the other people in the class who rather make noise instead of making a useful contribution :)

Then here comes the tallest girl in the class and the loveliest one. What has got my attention to Akriti was her selflessness. Sometime I don't bother to do proxy for the girls whom I hardly know and particularly do not like doing it. But she said one thing to me, do your part, for the rest, you should not think about it. She always carry a smile and never get angry with anyone and gel with everybody , at the same time she is not diplomatic and selfish. Loves eating pasta and always ready for fun. She is more of a free soul like me, never bother about looking back and holding back in life. As most of the classmates keep missing, we become the comrades who always stood for each other and ready to mingle all the time whether it is raining or super hot in Delhi. We live our life with the undying spirit of life-it is only once so just kick ass :) . That's how she owes her heart to everyone.

We bonded with each other so well for our love of talking, discussing and debating on any topic and our believe that essence of life lies to preserving human emotions. I have not met from a long time a person who wants to talk about love, relations, emotions and crush. People thought it's a useless talk and only teenagers can do such honey-money talks and we should discard it once we released that we are grown up. But I'm someone who romance with everything around me. With the nature, seasons and even with the words I'm writing now. Our endless talk about love, romance and crush bring us together and we grew up together making our journey in the faculty so memorable today.

I know I might not have enjoyed that much in the class and faculty if she was not there especially our classes from Wednesday to Friday ;). Sometime when I'm too much involved with someone I could not write much about them but rather lost with their memories. Though I must admit that after years I found another girl to add in my own selected gang. That's my girl Akriti. I wonder how come someone who is born and brought up in Delhi can be so gentle, soft, helping and nice. So far I met only bahenji who are jealous, nasty, insecure and frustrated of their caged life. Apart from her, thumps up to her parents for giving so much of freedom and liberty which made her so different from the rest. She shared my dearness to taste the most forbidden path of life. We enjoyed talking about our future plan of one adopted daughter and four dogs in my own flat and living like our dream girls in the Sex and the City movie.

Exam just got over without realizing that we won't be able to catch up everyday like before. Nothing else to do and caught up with our nostalgia moments we both were enjoying the up-down metro ride in CP without any reason. For no reason we catch up and talked about how we wish to be freed from every bonds of the society and we hardly realized that we have spent half of our time basking in DU garden, romancing the falling night and talking about how much we love those unfaithful lovers. Above all these, why I'm so fond of her is that she never gets tired of me talking endlessly about my hot new crush in the faculty ;)

Next is about my Einstein. What will I say about Einstein? We are unbreakable combination of Newton-Einstein of the law faculty. We shared the same birthday and sometime same temper which make us feel like the twins once separated in Kumbha Mela in a forgone year. Rightly said by her brother, 29 November-Pagal Diwas because of our overflowing emotions and temper!! My introduction to her just happened in 3rd semester when I was reading a super heavy book of Civil Service preparation in the class. She did not tell me what she is doing but from her question it was quite obvious for me that she was also interested in the same field. With time, we become like a long lost friend sharing so many things about life and our differences about the idea of nationalism, democracy, politics, love, marriage and life.

I remember her as that girl who for the first time said she wants to read something about Manipur and it's independent kingdom before the acquisition by India in 1950. I wish at that time, if all the people in India has at least this much soothing emotions for the people in Manipur and the north east states, there would not have been so far so much of hatred and racism in India just like today. What we lack is our ability to understand the differences rather being happy in rejecting each other and what we are. I learnt to accept her opinion that all people do not think the way people generally talk about the north-east states and the people. And she also respects and accepts the hurt feelings and the discriminated life we lead here. That's one of the reason we bonded but our love to aim something high and never stop dreaming attitude bring us together so far sharing so many special moments in the faculty and beyond the faculty too even watching our favorite movie with her mom. No doubt my Einstein is very different from the rest of the girls I have met when it comes to life, feminism, society and of course idea of love, emotions and marriage. Her desire to sail so long all alone and her ambition to reach the top is one thing we both shared forgetting what the world said about us ;)

Well, first question from this guy was a shocking and memorable one- do you find me sexy? It happened just near the gate of law faculty after the class. I just laughed off so loudly replying him I'm so sorry I didn't find you sexy and I have never looked at you from that angle. Above all I'm too senior to you so I never find the sexiness in a man younger to me. This question can be from none other than Praveen Sharma. But just love the way he asks and admire the way he feels about himself. Hmm he is one person who finds everything about himself sexy and irresistible but not self obsessed :D. No doubt he has the quality to gel like honey with everyone and lend his hand whenever any friend needs him. It was more in the six semester I have interaction with him and particularly he reminds me of the philosophy of life "never be too serious in life, nothing is permanent". Always carry a flirtatious smile and openly flirt with everyone. Best part of him is that he accepts both his good and bad quality and never tried to act like he is sacrosanct but still I adore the boyishness in him howsoever he try to act like he is very much mature. We share our craziness to talk un-talk-able and forbidden ones.

 For the first time I got the comfort level to talk freely with a man about sexuality of woman and what is the man's perspective. As this being an interesting subject for me to write in future. He is one person who is opened to talk about any topic and never judge anybody especially when it comes to a relationship between two people, except that he is born in a wrong place..hmm he should be in America :P. I was going through the bad time during the exams of  fifth semester and beginning days of six semester but whenever I called him to share my stupid stories he would patiently listen to it and make sure that I smile with one of his pathetic jokes ;) . Whenever we talk, we argue, that makes the things very interesting because that's a kind of my hobby since childhood ;) And thanks to you my buddy for every moment we have shared and for every smile you have tried to replace in my face. But somehow we seems to get no time for each other even in the last day to say a Good-Bye! Nevertheless, I wish you for a life blessed with lots of love and believe me, true love will come searching for you as you always rejected my concept of true love. Sometime you can rely to a poet when it comes to love :)


Here comes the hottest topic and most memorable part of the six semester. Hardly remember the date, may be in middle of February. There was a newly joined professor in the faculty. He looks quite young and energetic and we were bit excited when we saw him thinking that at least he won't make us sleep in the class like any other professor. But we never gave that much attention to him rather than shouting at each other whenever he asked any question. He used to raise question so that we can debate like lawyers in the class but that was again a part of fun for us. Then one fine day he begun with his desire to know opinion of each of us in the class regarding two problems in India and their solutions. Everyone was giving crap opinion and trying to act like moralist. They bored me like hell at the same time also igniting my anger which I have suppressed from so many years being a north-eastern in Delhi.

Finally he asked me to give my opinion. After that I do not remember from where I have started and what was the end. Only thing I can recall was that he was continuously saying me "keep talking" by looking at my face. I got so emotional and almost burst out talking about AFSPA,Sharmila, Manorama, fake encounters and massacre by the state owned gunmen in North east and Kashmir. Asked everyone in the class including him why they have become so human after the Delhi gang rape case when so many women have been raped and thrown without even acknowledging that rape happened, just because they are done at the cost of protecting the boundaries of this nation. Even in that class I do not know his name and never interested to know any professor's name so far no one seems to be truly honest when it comes to their intention to teach the students. But his last line before ending the class make me released that he is a person who value human emotions and still owe a hope to the lost confidence of the people towards the system and the country.

Needless to say, I still find this country hopeless after listening to his opinion also but do admire people who are honest in what they do and hope genuinely about improving the situation and changing something at their capacity without getting anything in return. What impressed me most about him was saying that he shared the pain of the people in NE and Kashmir and may be I can not see that emotions from his face. The word emotions click my mind. I was so upset that day and even got angry with him for a while also thinking why he has to start that kind of topic despite of knowing that nothing is going to change. But later on I thought if that discussion did not happen, I would never get an opportunity to know a nice person who values hope, dream, emotions, loves good politics but not selfish and screw up at the end.

Well, as of now his story will not end because it is an undeniable romance which will take little more time to die. But I must admit that he was one of the most honest professor we have met in our three year journey in the law faculty. Some of the professors came to the class to take attendance and finish syllabus but he came with an intention to share his knowledge and he did his best even taking extra classes after the stipulated date of the session. That makes him very different from the rest. About being a man, I do not know anything about him, have not tried to know more than I wish to know but just watching him sometime so carefully I can feel the vibe of a man who still owe value to emotions, love at the same time liberal and it's rare in our time to even witness little emotions in a man's eyes or in their face... especially when people die and doom for lust, sex and money only.

For the first time I wrote a paper without reading it from dukki and even hardly open the books. That makes me feel so proud and enthralled about the every single moments in his class. At the end of the day, I'm always left with an everlasting memory of his class of those hidden smiles, laughter and fun. That's something I define in my poetic language as a romantic ambiance but I do also understand what those peeping tom and dick misinterpret it. Someone passed a comment to me once as he is not of your type when I was waiting for his class in the corridor. I just smile and answer to her- I know he can never be of my type but what can I do if he is so much flattered with me and afterall he is irresistibly handsome ?? And I owe no explanation to anyone. Neither I was looking for an eternal love nor trying to write a story of an undying epic of love. But whenever I remember him, I just wish if I can grasp those irresistible smiles in his face and keep it for myself and watch it whenever I'm upset...

So far I have painted with the colors of sorrow, pain, anger, worries and betrayals of those departed ones in an empty canvass till their memories get eroded. For the first time, I thought why should not I paint with only emotions without attaching a string of lost and found but of something fresh, smiling, dreaming, hoping, non-ending, non-possessive, eternal, intangible and undefined emotions of those moments we have shared.

untitled

Didn't I teach you 
to talk to the moon 
in a silent night 
Didn't I make you feel
caresses of the breeze 
when you are alone
Didn't I let you hear 
love songs of the departed ones
Didn't I say so 
You will come searching for me 
When I'm gone

untitled

do not tell me
i fail to teach the language of love
didn't you talk to the moon
in the silent night
didn't you feel
that caresses of the wind
didn't you hear
that cry of the falling flowers
without anyone to pick her
do not lie to me
you have buried me forever
in your memories
didn't I tell you
you will be searching for me
when i'm gone

De-toxification!!!!

So tired beyond the limit. Brother's admission, phobia of shifting room, urgent projects in office, exam just a week away, not getting time to sleep, Delhi traffic taking away half of my time in a day, bad ass ex's mail popping up in the inbox, becoming vulnerable to the man like street dogs and last but not the least- falling in love with Mr. wrong in the wrong platform.

I know I can't control expression in my face. But there is one thing which makes me wonder whole my life is that no one has ever asked me the reason why I'm so happy when I can not hide my smile but when I do not smile everyone is like why are you so upset???? That question instigates the thought that I'm trying to ignore from a while. I don't like whatever happened in the faculty yesterday. At least my friends should know the joke before the class and after the class. I do say a lot about my fondness about the professor for whatever reason. But I attended his all classes till now because of his honesty to share his knowledge and of course for whatever reason I didn't compromise my study in the class. Already beaten up with so much by the Delhi traffic, took almost two hours reaching from office to faculty and suddenly saw some scene I don't like at all and trying to escape from the scene I'm provoked with much welcome question why do you look so upset? I'm so sorry for reacting so badly to my friends but what I could do? I'm left with no energy to explain, I was seeking for just a moment of solitude and to be with myself amidst the crowd and noises.

Next drama was extremely an unexpected one that blown up my temper irreparably. Sir suddenly saying in the class that your friends are laughing by looking at you. To my surprise I reacted as do I look like a joker? First of all no joke was going on and question paper discussion was going on.They could have hold back their laughter for a while instead of making him so obvious of what we talked about him outside the class. First of all even if I do talk all non-sense before class, I have never crossed the line and gone beyond the ethics of the platform he stood. That's certain thing that I would not want to happen from my end and that finally seem to happen and he making a point was that he does not like whatever it was beyond the ethics of the classroom. 

While laying down on my bed I was thinking  why I have become so reactive today. The main reason was that from the past two days I'm not sleeping for even five hours after the bad ass mail popped up in my inbox. I was telling Shreema, I literally feel like asking the bad ass what he wants now? But then even replying the mail or asking would be like keeping a contact and that's what they want too. A week before she have been haunted by that bad ass at home and I'm here virtually. I don't understand the logic behind they are doing. We being too busy with our own life seems like a problem to them and oh please I'm not going to mourn in your departure. I have been writing for exam on the day he got married and I got the highest marks beyond expectation. I have told you many a times to stop worrying about me and don't even think that I will even get angry with you. I'm not selfish to hide my emotions of lost, anger, sadness... but I'm not even left with such emotions for you, forget about affection, love and care. You proved yourself as a looser to me and to the world and gone to live in hell with a stranger for the sake of your parents. I don't have anything other than saying that please consult your mommy,daddy and the society of course whenever you are not satisfied with your life or wife instead of sending me mail. I'm not an antidote for detoxification to your life.  

Well, I do need detoxification for a peaceful day to start. Treated myself with my favorite breakfast and doing some dance steps of Shakira even in the kitchen. Time to study and there are lots! I'm starting to count the number of books yet again :-)

Those thin lines...

Those thin lines are very difficult to visualize and explain especially to those who has lived a life only shown to them by the world.

The difference between dream and imagination; love and attraction; sex and making love;  falling in love and falling into a pit for a lifetime. I'm condemned especially by some folk of the women for my fierce opinion about arrange marriage or compromise marriage. I don't have a bad opinion but I just said what I felt about it. The simple logic is that I can not share a room, of course a bed just because the society sanctioned me from today onward. Who is the society? 

What about the human feelings? Marriage is like buy and sell custom and a contract. If you can give baby, I'm ready to feed you with my money. Huh! How does it possible to love a man just because you are married to him? Even the dogs choose their own partner, I guess.

For some friends my personal life is a Pandora box, most of the time they are curious of the fact that they do not see me with a guy watching movie, roaming around the garden and so on, the way world has you expected when you are in love. 

One of my school friend told me just a day before, it's already too late, you should get married and feel the joy being with another person. I simply asked her how and to whom? She said, if you don't have anyone, we will find a guy. I said, I don't anyone to kill in my hand. You know better I have never share my space to anyone whom I can't fall for in love or at least fall together in hell. I know I can waste seven years of my life crying and lamenting for a man who has nothing to do with my life. I can ruin my life nurturing those painful moments and recalling all those sleepless nights and remembering all the worthless man in my life. But at least I will be alive and living with my own emotions, without letting anyone to encroach my space to love and hate. 

I'm beyond and not among those women who are forced to marry by the biological clock. One friend message me few days back, women getting menopause in the age of 29. I said just chill yaar. I still have the option to live in my own flat with a lovely adopted daughter and four dogs to take care of my security. I can not marry to any X, Y and Z without that zoobi-doobi feelings about a man. Of course, I was using my favorite quote

 "Every man dies for a winner less war, why I would not I die searching for that eternity of love even in the heart of a wrong person.I foresee million more defeat but I will no longer be among those million tribe condemned to die every moment without love" 

Yes I meant what I said. I can not live the same life as the generation my mother has lived where women has to get married because they are a burden to their family, they are getting old, they got a man with a high salary or rich guy to have a secure future. That's more like lending my life and womb to a man whom can afford my life. My life is beyond the concept of lending and borrowing. Whether I live it or waste it, it does belong to me and no one can perform their part on my life. The above mentioned criteria are no longer required in my life from a man. So only reason I would marry a man and give precious space in my life is that for zoobi-doobi factor and for a companionship. 

Simply because my biological clock is tickling away I would not lend myself in the name of marriage. No one will know the happiness of those lonely nights and chatting with another loner like me -the moon. Better be alone, dream, write, cry and embrace this lonesome journey than hanging a rope in my neck and try hard to run. 

It's better to fall in love thousand times and have thousand other heartbreaks than be falling in a pit called marriage without a way to return with a Mr. wrong pretending to be the right one!!!