De-toxification!!!!

So tired beyond the limit. Brother's admission, phobia of shifting room, urgent projects in office, exam just a week away, not getting time to sleep, Delhi traffic taking away half of my time in a day, bad ass ex's mail popping up in the inbox, becoming vulnerable to the man like street dogs and last but not the least- falling in love with Mr. wrong in the wrong platform.

I know I can't control expression in my face. But there is one thing which makes me wonder whole my life is that no one has ever asked me the reason why I'm so happy when I can not hide my smile but when I do not smile everyone is like why are you so upset???? That question instigates the thought that I'm trying to ignore from a while. I don't like whatever happened in the faculty yesterday. At least my friends should know the joke before the class and after the class. I do say a lot about my fondness about the professor for whatever reason. But I attended his all classes till now because of his honesty to share his knowledge and of course for whatever reason I didn't compromise my study in the class. Already beaten up with so much by the Delhi traffic, took almost two hours reaching from office to faculty and suddenly saw some scene I don't like at all and trying to escape from the scene I'm provoked with much welcome question why do you look so upset? I'm so sorry for reacting so badly to my friends but what I could do? I'm left with no energy to explain, I was seeking for just a moment of solitude and to be with myself amidst the crowd and noises.

Next drama was extremely an unexpected one that blown up my temper irreparably. Sir suddenly saying in the class that your friends are laughing by looking at you. To my surprise I reacted as do I look like a joker? First of all no joke was going on and question paper discussion was going on.They could have hold back their laughter for a while instead of making him so obvious of what we talked about him outside the class. First of all even if I do talk all non-sense before class, I have never crossed the line and gone beyond the ethics of the platform he stood. That's certain thing that I would not want to happen from my end and that finally seem to happen and he making a point was that he does not like whatever it was beyond the ethics of the classroom. 

While laying down on my bed I was thinking  why I have become so reactive today. The main reason was that from the past two days I'm not sleeping for even five hours after the bad ass mail popped up in my inbox. I was telling Shreema, I literally feel like asking the bad ass what he wants now? But then even replying the mail or asking would be like keeping a contact and that's what they want too. A week before she have been haunted by that bad ass at home and I'm here virtually. I don't understand the logic behind they are doing. We being too busy with our own life seems like a problem to them and oh please I'm not going to mourn in your departure. I have been writing for exam on the day he got married and I got the highest marks beyond expectation. I have told you many a times to stop worrying about me and don't even think that I will even get angry with you. I'm not selfish to hide my emotions of lost, anger, sadness... but I'm not even left with such emotions for you, forget about affection, love and care. You proved yourself as a looser to me and to the world and gone to live in hell with a stranger for the sake of your parents. I don't have anything other than saying that please consult your mommy,daddy and the society of course whenever you are not satisfied with your life or wife instead of sending me mail. I'm not an antidote for detoxification to your life.  

Well, I do need detoxification for a peaceful day to start. Treated myself with my favorite breakfast and doing some dance steps of Shakira even in the kitchen. Time to study and there are lots! I'm starting to count the number of books yet again :-)

Those thin lines...

Those thin lines are very difficult to visualize and explain especially to those who has lived a life only shown to them by the world.

The difference between dream and imagination; love and attraction; sex and making love;  falling in love and falling into a pit for a lifetime. I'm condemned especially by some folk of the women for my fierce opinion about arrange marriage or compromise marriage. I don't have a bad opinion but I just said what I felt about it. The simple logic is that I can not share a room, of course a bed just because the society sanctioned me from today onward. Who is the society? 

What about the human feelings? Marriage is like buy and sell custom and a contract. If you can give baby, I'm ready to feed you with my money. Huh! How does it possible to love a man just because you are married to him? Even the dogs choose their own partner, I guess.

For some friends my personal life is a Pandora box, most of the time they are curious of the fact that they do not see me with a guy watching movie, roaming around the garden and so on, the way world has you expected when you are in love. 

One of my school friend told me just a day before, it's already too late, you should get married and feel the joy being with another person. I simply asked her how and to whom? She said, if you don't have anyone, we will find a guy. I said, I don't anyone to kill in my hand. You know better I have never share my space to anyone whom I can't fall for in love or at least fall together in hell. I know I can waste seven years of my life crying and lamenting for a man who has nothing to do with my life. I can ruin my life nurturing those painful moments and recalling all those sleepless nights and remembering all the worthless man in my life. But at least I will be alive and living with my own emotions, without letting anyone to encroach my space to love and hate. 

I'm beyond and not among those women who are forced to marry by the biological clock. One friend message me few days back, women getting menopause in the age of 29. I said just chill yaar. I still have the option to live in my own flat with a lovely adopted daughter and four dogs to take care of my security. I can not marry to any X, Y and Z without that zoobi-doobi feelings about a man. Of course, I was using my favorite quote

 "Every man dies for a winner less war, why I would not I die searching for that eternity of love even in the heart of a wrong person.I foresee million more defeat but I will no longer be among those million tribe condemned to die every moment without love" 

Yes I meant what I said. I can not live the same life as the generation my mother has lived where women has to get married because they are a burden to their family, they are getting old, they got a man with a high salary or rich guy to have a secure future. That's more like lending my life and womb to a man whom can afford my life. My life is beyond the concept of lending and borrowing. Whether I live it or waste it, it does belong to me and no one can perform their part on my life. The above mentioned criteria are no longer required in my life from a man. So only reason I would marry a man and give precious space in my life is that for zoobi-doobi factor and for a companionship. 

Simply because my biological clock is tickling away I would not lend myself in the name of marriage. No one will know the happiness of those lonely nights and chatting with another loner like me -the moon. Better be alone, dream, write, cry and embrace this lonesome journey than hanging a rope in my neck and try hard to run. 

It's better to fall in love thousand times and have thousand other heartbreaks than be falling in a pit called marriage without a way to return with a Mr. wrong pretending to be the right one!!!

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another face off 
followed by a long silence 
without even a mummer 
of consoling 
how broken I'm today
knowing the real you 
impregnated with 
just a pretentious smile...

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I need not write
your name in a poetry 
I need not sing a song 
tracing you
amongst those buried one
long before 
you claimed 
to be my lover 
in a night
when you were not you...

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without a string to pull us back
without any unseen mystery called love 
we relived another unclaimed moment
and that has no name!

another untitled!

I wish I can bargain this night 
for an eclipse 
to conceal us 
from the peeping stars 
and the moon
for a midnight 
that never falls!

In an agreement with myself...!

Gone crazy with so many heavy duty work in office. Reading patents more than I can do as the timeline ticking next week, exam in the corner, PMS heating so hard every month and my anxiety and tension mounts so much. Everyday, I thought of reading at home after coming back from office but it's an impossible task. But why I'm writing when I can utilize this time in sleeping? Good question I know but this is a way I let myself feel that I'm alive, breathing and kicking. Nine hours confinement in the AC room of corporate among the people of different era and civilization. Everyone looks like a group of species to another world. It's all about money, marriage, making babies, faithful husband, cooking, washing and faking professional! No one of them talk about life, ambition, news, politics and etc..everyone of them looks like a dead body walking on battery to me. Nothing different from the robots. You can't be angry, you can't be emotional, you can't be loved, you can't be hated, only thing I don't know is what can be done!

Wow I'm a survivor it's almost going to be six years I'm living in the corporate world. But the only thing which makes me alive is my extra curricular activity. My LLB, catching with friends, attending my favorite class, eating pasta with friends and talking all those very human talks about love, relations, crush, hate, anger with those whom I shared a space to live.

Fighting with own's emotion is very difficult when it is involved with a person who is not emotional and who knows how to live without emotions and how to fake emotions! Well, I don't want to say this but I wanna get his thought from my mind right from the beginning only. It's not about blaming myself or him but it is just that it is not worth to think further and I know everything was stupid and truly worthless. Suddenly he pop up in my mind with his funky face and I'm like I'm gonna kill you! Seriously I don't want to kill him but it is just the way I fight with my own thoughts sometime so that I give a reason to get out of it and think something emotional, sentimental, worthy and lasting! I thought I can be like him, de-attaching my emotions from every conversation we have and every bond we try to build just to break but rather, I could not do but hurt myself for small issues, which I find very irritating in my own nature. I know I'm mature, I can handle it and in fact I don't care but some non-sensible thoughts rather attract to him sometime. That's where I'm stopping myself saying-It's a bog NO!

It's not about seeing an end, a destination out of every emotions I felt but rather escaping from another mess which I will create for myself. He is clever enough to escape from his own emotions, in fact he does not own any emotions for others, then why would I create a mess for such a person? It would be rather troubling myself and as confess to one of my friend what I felt about the whole situation, I will no longer talk about him and it's a forever bye-bye situation for us now. We won't get another opportunity to catch up with each other and I know we will not convince ourselves to dedicate time for each other. Rather it's a time I focus on my favorite class in faculty, at least I will score a good mark in my favorite paper :)


I would say this is the agreement I'm gonna have from today onward!!

Being a sister, daughter and a substituted mother...

Terrific weather and feeling the most nostalgic moments of life! Life is a treasure we should keep on exploring and its excites me when something is so unknown and unpredictable!

I got frustrated when I'm engaged with so many things then I ask myself what I would do if I'm not engaged? That's another frightening feeling-life without struggle and a meaningful journey and nothing to remember, nothing to hold on for a day in future when you can't do anything but live with the memories of those day!

It's not all about praising myself but I need to, I can't wait for the whole world to stand up and clap for me for whatever I'm managing in a day in just 24 hours!

Just reading Femist legal theory and doing so many things simultaneously. Asking youngest brother to revise for tomorrow's entrance test and cooking also. Standing and inclining to the kitchen wall and reading Indira Jai Singh's feminist theory and telling myself-the making of chutney of feminist in the kitchen!!!!

Well, can't help it what to do. I took charge of the responsibility of bringing brother's here in the wake of killing of  a pregnant woman and another person in fake encounter in 2009. Not a single penny in pocket and not a single moment to think and plan, I told my father to send them to Delhi, while my brother's career and life was in danger! It's really scared to remember June 23, when Rabina was killed with her 9 month old baby inside her womb in the middle of the market in Imphal. Followed by a general strike and suspension of schools and colleges in Manipur and it continued for six months. It must be the longest one in the history of the world where educational institutions and lives of lakhs of students are negotiated with the govt who gave a deaf ear for six months.

Never imagine life would be so challenging. After brother have come I have to screen every activity I have done earlier, staying away from poetry group and midnight party,singing and drinking. But that was the best time, we all have realized our feeling for a burning home called Manipur and start writing. Without that phase of life "tattooed with taboos" will never come out today!

Of course, a worst time for love-life too! Was myopic and blind , whatever people wants to say but I was in love with the most horrible man I have ever met. Always hated a man who is pretentious, loud, show off, attention seeker and ugly but I imagined something else in my mind and in love with my own imagination. One fine day everything broke up and I started to focus on my life, my hobby, my talent. Sometime, I told my friends that men are of great used in life! They gave me poetry, they make me realized the value of my life, they show how worthy I'm for this world and of course how honest I'm with myself and with the rest! Being honest with other's is not difficult but being honest with self is more important and through out my life I fear only for one moment. That's standing in front of a mirror and feeling ashamed of what I'm! I don't care till today what the world say about me but what I care is only what I'm in front of myself!

Well, living an exiled life in Delhi for almost 12 years, I'm still confused whether this land belong to me? Whether the people I met here belong to me and does they take me as one of them? But with time I have started feeling that I've become one of them. But I still long for the hills, green fields, the worrying faces of people, strikes, blocked, my school, teacher, parents, neighbors and everything about home! Have been almost one and half year, I have visited home and it's like I'm living a life without a soul. Missed those scents of the soil, the rain, the clear sky, the stars, the moon, the stories of so many happenings in our locality.

But above all these, there is only one thing which keep me alive all the time in Delhi. That's my law faculty evening classes and friends out there and some good teachers who are dedicated. Some teachers just come to show their face and take attendance and some came with a heart to share their knowledge and that's something we would carry in our heart too. With time love, attraction and so many things happened among us but at the end of the day we distance each other with a big NO!! Everything sounds interesting and I always pray when my LLB will finish so that I could read, write and rest but now I no longer wants to leave the faculty because of the year long attachment and some great friends.

Coming back to my brothers, sometime I feel like they are problem in my life and they are obstruction to my way to do what I dream to, then in a deepest corner of my heart, they are my gem, my heart and dream itself. I have never been tired of hard work, struggle and never lack of enthusiasm in life just for a dream to give a better life to them which I can't live in my childhood. I had to suffer the lower middle class joint family miseries and seeing mom crying in the abuses of aunts and grandmother! Terrible to remember those hard days? But time is the best best judge, it always do justice with everyone, of course not the Supreme Court when it comes to life and it's karma!! Today my mom is the most happiest mother and the strongest woman I have ever met. She is illiterate but biggest educationalist! When I was a kid and I'm not reading, then my mother would repeat her patent dialogue "you know how difficult it is to survive without knowing a script and when I have to take a bus I would not know which bus is going where and I'm like blind and deaf!! Do you wanna live like me?'

Next moment I would think and start dreaming of getting a car for mom and dad, sending brother's to the English school, which I can't attend in my time, when my father was busy focusing on his  sister's big fat marriages and performing the responsibilities and fulfilling the liabilities. Sometime I argue with my father, why are so obsessed with your sisters and look at them they don't even want to spend a rupee for you when you compromise my career and life while being busy in getting them married! My father would say nothing, just smile and say you should be a lawyer, you know nothing but argue and you know how to win over it!

And my friends, I don't know how my life would be without Shreema, Linda and Lanleima. My life is truly living, breathing and kicking because of the these three most beautiful, intelligent, talented, honest and terrific women. There is something I realized in life that I must have done something good in past life so I got them in this life. There is nothing I can hide from them and there nothing I can't share with them, even about stealing a kiss from a man. Best part of our friendship is that we cry for each other, we got angry for each other, we support each other, we love each other and moreover we never compete and we never judge each other. In these days when people are so corrupted morally I would not find a person whom I can be myself!

Everyday is a new day for us. Started with teasing with each other and with my one liners everyone of them break into laughter! Let the life go on and let the age count on but we would never loose our youth, smile, laughter, honesty and love for each other. They are my strength and sometime oxygen to survive.

So many man come and goes from life, with time, their memories erased from my mind but through out our life, we really proved that there is good people, good friendship and good life without a man too. We have never felt the vacuum of not having a man in life. When we have we enjoy our love life but we never compromise our friendship till now and it will remain forever!

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In that falling night
I trusted your lies
embraced your betrayal
Whilst you are forgotten
condemned forever
by love..

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uprooted myself
from the land we belong
left with an empty dream
I await for nothing today
I saw the spring falling
without a trace of hope
It paints another shadow of you
not with the color of March
but of sadness..

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Across the road
across the crowd
he suddenly turned up
shook my hand
as if
we met for the first time
and we dispersed
amidst the crowd
like any two strangers
while I stood motionless
lingering on
that sinfully beautiful night!!

Those Living Ghosts!

I'm a writer and wish to be one till my last breath. Whether people like to read or not is no longer my business nor I write so that people can enjoy it. Everything I wrote is an honest account on what I think and felt at the  moment.
Well, I love to paint those memoirs of life which are important to me and meaningful as being part of my life. No doubt everyone of them who I have met in my life were important and I gave them due respect during the time we spent and after the time that passed too. But I literally hate them getting back to me and haunting my day to day life from every nook and corner. Though they do not know what they want from their own life so obviously they also don't know what they want from me also. Just that they are hanging around just like those restless poor souls.
Delhi adore a different look from past few days and it reminds me of school days. Those rainy days, we would be going to school and slipping on the road while cycling and in fact I missed my mother who used to wait in the market with an umbrella, my friend Santosh without whom I would not have courage to cycle till school and of course my dream boy of those days, with his dream I grew up and swear to become a perfect lady :)
I was listening to the most romantic numbers of Ranbir Thouna and smiling alone thinking about all those kiddish moments in those days with him and even thought of some beautiful sentences to complete a poetry. Suddenly my colleague send a message in office communicator saying someone who knew me and her called and asking about me. Before I can't guess who it could be then I turned back to Linda and said wow the living Ghost are more dangerous and they can even haunt you in broad day light.

The fact is that the message has distorted whole my mood and feel like asking what else is left with me when he has got a trophy wife now after painful process of searching for a good and obedient wife. Probably they are stupid enough to act like they are so cool and I'm still calm and gentle even if you sought at me. After his marriage I requested him in a very nice manner not to haunt me (though I want to use the most abusive words) but still he wants to know how have I been without him. Huh! In fact I have no words if someone thinks that I'll be spending a miserable life without him then I can only be sorry for you. Only time I remember of having a miserable time was when departing from a man from my life was in early 2K when I got to know that my dream boy is nothing but a mere crap who knows how to play with my emotions and after that I'm a free bird and now I also know the game except that I don't play it. That's one reason sometime I missed my dream boy for giving me poetry, for letting me free from every emotional prison in my life. Now I know the difference between love and prison.

I know how to love a man and yes, I'm a very calculative woman, I don't love a man whose lifespan is expired in my daily life. I can not care for that man who has no contribution in motivating and inspiring me to dream for a better life. Frankly speaking, though I do claim myself  a very romantic person, I seriously won't die without a man so please stop caring about me and my well being. I'm a woman who loves to be free from everything and even from past. Past is heavy and useless and no one wants to carry such baggage.

You can excuse me and let me live life ahead just the way I wish too. Please don't donate your love for me, I can get that love from someone who has both respect and legitimacy only for me!!!

To a lost stranger!

It has been years I have not felt with that lost feelings in someone's eye or someone's thought. But simply it happened just like I happened for the first time when I was in school when I saw him in my class. We were in the same batch of weekend class. Sometime I would irrationally asked him question but he would always answered nicely. One day I ask for his copy and get the same to the photocopy shop. When I keep on chatting without stopping with my friend about how careless we are, he politely stand outside and wait for the photocopy to be completed. I just asked him what's your name and as always I treated as someone quite younger than me and I realised the way I called him must be irritating to him. After that we never talked and I don't even remember him after asking him to wait for photocopy. It was just begun in September in one of the weekend classes when I suddenly turned around to look for another freind I caught him watching me so carefully and that was very weird to me beacuse I had that kind of boyish romance in school days only. With the harsh life in Delhi I have never tried to find out the love and tenderness in someone's eye other than their lustful eyes.

First of all, I thought I must be looking very odd or something must be wrong with my dress so I checked the skrit I was wearing. Then, I lough off the whole scene after the class and forgot but it was in the another 2-3 weeks , I noticed that we seem to have given consensus to each other to express ourselves with our eyes only. And we continue without even asking anything to each other. I don't know but he makes me feel really nervous, lost and brings back those lost sense of love and tenderness which I used to feel once decades back.

Sometime we would sit opposite to each other and keep watching to each other's eyes till we get aware of some peeping tom are also sitting between us. Sometime the guy sitting in front of him thought that I'm looking at him and that's again so weird and unwanted. When he was absent, I used to literally sleep in the class and my mind would not worked anymore. I used to tell my friend I'm gonna ask him out for a coffee after my semister exam is over and I keep hoping I will meet him soon in a coffee date. But after my semister exam he has disappeared so suddenly while leaving me behind with so many questions where he could be. Rather I thought every weekend I will ask his friends in the class then I thought everything may be of my assumption. Well, I will agree to my assumption that let it I must be dreaming but after years I met someone whose eyes were so expressive and I could feel the lost scent of romance from those years.

Hope we will meet again if the destiny is there and I know you too must be having some questions to me. I wish in this midnight, I would be telling you how beautiful your eyes were and how different you are from the rest. Wherever you are I hope you must be doing good and keeping well. I wish you a great luck for the coming Judiciary exam. You will remain a stranger who were special for those days. My weekends were so pleasant because of you and I really wish every weekend, you suddenly reappear!

Tracing that root!

Trying to find the real the person I'm so I decided to spend the Diwali all alone. Witness the most empty road, metro and then office in a lifetime. Everybody seems to be in the festival mood. Neither I'm in the mood to play with the fire nor willing to pass a smile though I still look too happy in this moments of solitude. Sometime I called it romancing the pain, the greatest and purest one. On the way back from office while watching the silent conversations of so many living and non-living things and listening to the most heart rendering songs suddenly few unwarranted tears falls down on my cheek. I tried hard questioning why was it. It has flashed back the childhood, school time and the time I have spent in this monster city which took everything from me and which also gave me a new person in me.

Needless to say, it's in every gasp of my breathe, in every flowing streams of my bloods I do feel the presence of you. Sometime I'm scared why it has taken so long trying to erase you from the canvas of my memory. The meaning of romance in my life is no longer being with you or with anyone who love me unconditionally. It's always about you and how much I enjoy the feeling of lost in this life. Never had the guts to question you and asked you once why can't you ever love me in this lifetime. But still I feel so good with so much of pain being buried in myself for so many years and I don't know if this is the way I should feel about being in romance with your remnant.

Much have been written about you without getting any permission from you and without asking you to listen also. Everything I will take it as a gift in this lifetime and I will always enjoy catching up with those teardrops whenever it comes out without even taking my permission. I felt it was just yesterday we have met but it is more than a decade now. And we live as two untouchables of different caste today without even having a bridge to communicate. I'm not worried of my helpless feeling whenever I remember those days with you but I just need an answer to heal myself in this lifetime whatever I'm filled with emptiness without a reason and explanation. Why I have sometime become what I should not while pretending the one who is weak and miserable in front of you and your love!

Or else should I say this is another way to trace my root to love, romance and poetry and connecting to that undyeing feelings of living forever in your dream!

Nomad

where do I belong
not
in my own body
in
in my own soul

I'm homeless yet
though
I lived for years
I'm lifeless 
though
 I'm breathing for years

I belong nowhere
not
in my body
not
in my soul

I'm just a broken pieces 
sliced into many times
each of them are enjoying
with every slice of my soul
and body

what I'm ?
where I'm?

Am I that nomad
crying for herself
none will listen
none will hear
ignored cry
of century old statute!

 

Being with you..

Landslide is Kohima. I'm stuck in Guwahati, we need to change the time. I'm reaching home after the date we have talked earlier to meet at home. You know how eagerly waiting for that day we will be meeting after facing so much of inconveniences.

It's everything for me -being with you in my sub-conscious mind. Would you mind changing time? I rang up in his hostel 5 times standing for an hour in the telephone booth. Finally, the ring goes but he was not in the hostel but gone home for lairoi . What a bad luck I could not get a chance to talk to him and inform what's happening here. His home does not have a phone and same as mine since then the phone line starting from his place to my place has been burnt and dumped in the river my the miscreants. While living in a hotel in Guwahati I wrote the mail to him without any surety of when he will read and he can reply. No choice and can't complaint about this uncertainty but just have to trust in unpredictable luck.

What good time I spent with him being so close to him though we live virtually 5000 km away from each other. I was in Delhi doing my graduation second year and he was in Manipur. Still lingering on those paths of memory though it was so fragile and I can no longer hold on it. Till today I had only one wish- could I relive in those moments with him. Getting angry with him in petty issues, remembering every word he said over the phone and writing his name in every page of my notebook and jotting down everything he wrote to me in mail in my diary.

Yes, ruchell38 you have got a mail.

Your birthday is coming. Let's fix a chat on your birthday. I was excited from the two days thinking what all I will talk with him. Should I ask him how he looks like now after going to the new college. Does he change anything from the time I used to see him in the school when he drove in the evening in his cycle wearing his school dress to study English literature from Sir. I remember watching him from the window of my class but always worried that if someone noticed me and also scared of him coming to know about me. I used to literally walk away from him whenever he was in the school. May be he will get to know how nervous I'm whenever I saw him even from a distant place.

Well, everything was part of my story I have only shared with my diary in every night after I closed my books whilst watching the moons and smiling at her. I told the moon with a smile, I'm in ecstasy of his love! I will let him talk to you someday and he will be sitting besides me holding my hands, playing with my hair just like evening breeze would do. That day you will look so beautiful..

Sometime, the taunting call from mother disturbed my thoughts about him. In an annoying tone I always replied to my mother like I still have lots of things to study. My diary which I bought it from my friend's shop was the most special dairy, it was from that time I started to write poems in Manipuri. I wish I had that diary with me. That will be source of thousand other poems in my life. I only know how does it feel like living with a diary having so much of stories and love for someone who does not even know me. How sad I was especially when his smile drag me every moments of my life towards him while I was living helplessly in that tiny room of Delhi living with a big dream of becoming someone very independent to fulfill my parents aim without a string of hope of meeting with him someday. I thought his dream will make me a looser and distract me from fulfilling my aim in life. So I teared off every page of my diary and burnt it off. If he ever read those innocent stories written in that diary, would he be one of the most happiest man ever. Till today, he made me the most romantic person without filling the gap in my heart with any clutters and today I'm a writer because you are the one who taught me to feel the love, pain, anguish and hurt for the first time in my life. That flow of emotions will never end till my last breathe. That's the source of my writing and truly you are the poetry of my life.
I know it's late you should go. He would always tell me but we always wait for each other to leave the cyber cafe first. The bitterness of Delhi winter was not enough to stop me from chatting with him till 10pm in the night. Oh! how sweet of him bearing the hit of winter till 10 pm in a lonely cyber cafe in home where no one dares to walk after 8pm. It has been years from now and sometime memories are even fade away so easily, I could no longer hold on it. It's in that September you went away without even saying a goodbye. I don't know why I'm searching for your smile in this big city among the crowd with the hope that we will meet someday and we will be spending another memorable days in this life hiding away from the peeping eyes of the world just like we always did. I'm not tired yet on this long wait. It's the unpredictable faith and the mysterious destiny I'm trusting till now. It makes me disappointed every now and then though I always believe like we met in that July just after the Kanglen, you will come someday to fulfill my promise to the moon to watch her sitting by your side in your courtyard and wishing to her....

Cage..

Thoughts somersault in your wave
Adhering to be freed from your cage
it's in your cage I celebrate my freedom
It's in your wave I swim embracing the death
It's in your love I dwindle towards the heaven
Embrace me once before the heaven took the nest
It's in your love, I breath with poison
It's in your arms, I would one day rest with peace..

Life is not lying more eggs: We are not chicken

On waiting...

"Waiting for someone or a friend is something I hate the most. I know it's a bad habit but I do"

Once someone told me when we were about to meet a years of my waiting. Who knows the pain of those eyes who tirelessly watch his photographs even within the dim shadows of the lamppost on the road. I only know how painful it was just living on a hope which will never become a true. Didn't I try to calm the beating hearts of someone else saying that hope is something which makes things easier and lighter. But that's not the truth. Ask me to know the truth, how this one decade seems to went away from my life without even releasing how it was gone.

Once I was madly in love with the man of my own imagination. Almost seven years of hibernation in the love nest and suddenly I wake up with the feeling of hurt, distrust and never be serious attitude. I know I made so many mistakes hurting the one I should not be. Shedding the tears of the one who had loved me truly. I know he lied he never loved me but if I'm in his position I would say the same after whatever mistake I did to him. I know I'm insane for whatever I did to him though I have always complained about the one who hurt me brutally and let me think that I can't roam around in this world with an innocent heart and romantic mind. I don't remember a day, I was not romantic and feel passionate about the feeling of life. Feeling of life includes all, the love, hatred and the lost...

As the time passes everything seems of coming back without any reason. Again it is not a hope or expectation rather it is more about renunciation! This time I'm travelling another thousand miles with an excuse to meet him and make an apology to the one whom I have given a bad time once. I'm going with a baggage of smile and ask him if we can ever be friends. I know how much I long for the one I want to be with once but it was all about remnant and nothing is figurative. Though unlike earlier I will go with another empty heart and mind without asking anything to return from him. Rather I will be more than happy if he ever smile at me without a string of regret and take me back in his loop. I have not got what I want in life and that's not existing in real too. In fact, he is much better in my illusion than the real one. But this expensive journey would be another mission to bring at least 10 watts smile on the face of the one whom once took me as part of his life....

Hope the long wait will come to an end with this September and there be another beginning...

Beginning and the End

Let this be the beginning of an end!
I'm so drunk with this night after a long time. It is so special, I can't even waste it just by laying down and dreaming for some untrue hopes. Hope which has lost its meaning, the relation which I seek to belong for this lifetime but never have a knot to tie with each other.

Wishes put me into anxiety, dream without a truth kept at illusion of this life. Why I have so much for the one who has nothing for me, not even a crook smile. Life is sometime selfish and I feel I'm victim of choosing always "what I want" not like others being the one of other's chosen one.

Today, I wish to sit near the window of my study room and watched the moon. I somehow connect to you at those days where I would dedicate every word spring from my heart to you. The mark in my Table, the anticipated letter I would be sending one day to you are still hiding within my heart and soul. Everything looked so beautiful with you but you have never existed in my world till today. In every man I have come across, I have started to search you and identify you but I'm always failed.

Life has taken tolls over this life just for falling in love with you. I have never regretted till today, waiting to the bus stand to get a glimpse of you and watching you sitting in the school lawn from the windows of the school. I owe every credit of my writings to you but you would never know in your life that there is somebody existed in this world who gave you credit for everything she has acheived without even knowing you.