Kanchi gi leikol!!

While just lying inside my small cottage I dream to see through the freedom Khwairakpam Chauba expressed in his poems. Sometime I went around the "Kanchi gi leikol" planted by Lamabam Kamal in his Madhavi novel. I spent so many sleepless nights with his Urirei when her lover Biren left her without anyone to listen and mend her heart burning like those restless fire in the far sites of the hill. Dream was so huge and vast I felt like catching and hunting those fighter jets making noise in the sky and destroy them to bring my mother land her lost peace, after she was evaded by her enemy called "namesake civilization"; as anticipated a future which lost a human value and loss of human existence and dignity by R.K Surendrajit in his peom "Sabhyata gi Phum".

The poem "Meitei Chanu" by Lamabam Kamal has awaken the people of Manipur from their deep slumber and call to realize the importance of their own language and script after the great Bengali Giant Santi das Goshai brunt the sacred book of Meities "Puya" into ashes. How beautiful it would be if our own language is like a beautiful garland of colorful flowers, spreading its scents throughout the world. Today we express our own feelings through a borrowed language. I can't even recognize the scripts of my own language. What is civilization and what is development when we are even depended for the language we speak and communicate? When the British came to India to make its colonized state what have they done at the first place was spreading the English language in every nook and corner of India  by introducing English as a subject in institutions. No wonder if we all realize someday that we are still colonized people and still depended on Bengali scripts to express our thoughts and writings.

Reading Hijam Angahal's Khamba Thoibi made me agitated instead of being nurtured by the love story of Khamba and Thoibi, the Hero and Heroine of the true love story, though it is believed to be a myth. Instead of condemning the culture of untouchability introduced in our society after the Hindu religion conquered the then King and elites of Manipur, we are still happy to address and take it as an honour to call Khamba as "Shree Shree Khamba". What a sad moment it was for me, though I mend my broken heart with a poem dedicated to the famous writer, regretting him for a making this beautiful myth just an image of religious epic. No words of “Moirang Parva (Meitei version of musical opera)” have ever indicated Khamba dominating Thoibi or his sister Khamnu as subordinate because of their gender. Rather Thoibi enjoyed her freedom to choose to live in exile for her lover and sacrifice the princess title despite being a daughter of then King Khagemba. Does it show that our people are more liberated rather than caged with the religious believe, subordinate system and untouchability among the communities introduce after the invasion by the Hindu religion.

People in Manipur are believed to be nature prayers unlike the idol worshipers like Hindu, from ages and once in a year there is a celebration of such God's of nature and called as "lai harouba (festival of nature God)". Suring the “Lai Harouba” all the girls and women groom themselves, adored with the "leihou leirel (special type of flowers making a bunch to decorate in a women’s hair style)" and trying to attract the man they love or Liked. They dance together in front of the God with their dance moves and by joining hands with their counterparts. It was another platform for them to meet each other and express each other's love as depicted in Moirang Parva about the beautiful dance of Meitei Lovers Khamba and Thoibi in the courtyard of the God Thangjing . Love was never an offensive word and sex was never treated as sin in Manipuri society just like it is treated today in the present sacrosanct society blinded by religion.

Every Manipuri dream to fall in love just like Khamba-Thoibi, Henjuna-Laikhurembi, Tonu Laijinglembi-Kadeng Thangjahanba and Meinu Pemcha but where are we now? But where is the "Ningol-Ka" and where do we have freedom to meet our lover and play "likkol (a game of lovers played in the old times)" in the full moon night?

Toady no one wants to buy a Manipuri book which cost Rs. 50 bucks written by not so famous writer in home. The poetry books of Khawirakpam Chauba were already eaten half by the rats when I found the old copy lying in an old bag in my house. I pity for those writers who spent so many sleepless night for people like us. Can anybody imagine how many nights the Poet Kamal must have sacrifice while writing his novel “Madhavi”? Have anyone dream about the beauty of Urirei and Madhavi making garland in "Kanchi Leikol (in the garden of Kanchi)"?

Where have we lost? No one knows it. We are living with lost identity and dreaming for a false path where we don't care about our language, literature, folklore but never fail to read the great America story, the country which didn't even recognize the existence of Manipur. No one bother to think to spend Rs. 200 for English novel and we are proud if we can't read and write our language. No Cinderella live in Manipur, no Harry Porter hasn't driven his broom in the magic sky of Manipur.

Is it the time for us to sit and think which path we are choosing. Literature is taught in the schools and colleges just to bore the students, social sciences are introduced in the school and colleges for the students with low marks. Literature is not something to be taught but something to make feel. Social sciences are not just about theory of code of conduct but something to be adapted and change as the society walk ahead. But on contrary all professional analyst of society just to love filling the newspaper space with foreign theory which cannot be adopted in a place lived by people with different looks, language, food habit and climate....!!

Let's stop making bored of people through literature and social sciences instead let’s try to change people's thinking and ultimately their life through our poetry, stories and the folklores.

Home Sweet Home!!

"Writing and writing is my happiness". I'm simply jealous of this line said by Nobel prize winner of 2006 Orhan Pamuk. Haven't read any of his book as I got no time but like his interview in the Hindu.

Reading the review of his book made me do a round trip in my head. Aha my recent trip to home was such a blessing to myself. I came back from home as a peaceful person which I lost 10 years back from now. I thought I have regained everything name, dignity, human pride and sense of living by simply breathing in my homeland Manipur. So true "home is where the heart is" and finally I'm so lucky to feel this and realized that no gun can kill the peace inside a person. Moreover I met the right people who influence me to love this land which has been abandoned by thousands of her children just because someone turned her out as a whore 50 years back.

Now, I'm struggling hard to make a path for myself in my homeland and to buy my own comfort which I have sell off years back to the metro cities to gain a status of a refugee.

Reached home after two years and saw mom,aunt and cousin waiting for me in the airport. Also good to see my friend who came to see me and his friend landing on the same day. With many plans and dreams to do some pending work I went home but came without touching it. Though I have no regret as I spent most of the time with my family and my friends and playing with my two nephews.

It was the colour of holi which already made me too excited to recall the past and those days where I used to run after my sister for "nakhathengba". Met my best friend in class IX who eloped and married at the age of 17yrs, unable to bear the atrocities of poverty. Her daughter almost 11 years run after us calling "mamachoubi yousang paisa piramo". It was a nostalgic moment recalling those days when  I used to carry her mother in cycle from Yumnam Huidrom to Shamurou for morning tuition. Still my best friend Nandini is filled with so much of love, sacrifice and beautiful gesture just like she did in school time. Though she survives by running a small grossary shop in her house itself she used to welcome us with a warm gesture and was so eager to meet me as we are meeting after 12 years from those day.

The schooty ride with Tampha in the empty road of Mayai Lambi was memorable. She is still same. No ego of being a doctor and her ceaseless smile make her so beautiful. Unfortunate that I didn't meet her to be husband but want to tell him that he is the luckiest man on this earth. I planned to attend her marriage but it was postponed. Wish I can attend and fulfill our school time promises to be present at the marriage. Driving down the empty roads of Mayang Imphal to Shamorou flash back those memories of school where I used to ride cycle whenever there was a bus strike. I have been working here from many days but I could not gift anything for those people who helped me without seeking anything return from me. How could I forget one of the most influential person in Manipur especially in Mayai Lambi. That's none other than Sir Thoiba. The founder the school "The Little Master". He is the one who bring the wave of quality education in the Mayai Lambi by establishing a school which is compatible at the state level. My family had no capacity to send me in any of the schools in Imphal but for so many students like me are in Mayai Lambi who are given a shelter and opportunity to raise themselves. I have not admired him for establishing a school but his humanity. One could see only the anger and sometime abusive language from his mouth but if you see deep inside his heart you can realized the person he is. He raised up Tampha like his own daughter after Tampha lost her brother and father together in an accident. When He saw me and Tampha in front of him he narrated all those stories we used to talk 12 years back from now near the fireplace in the cold winter morning. He gets older but he is still so lively and filled with so much of hope and dream. He wants to established a hospital just in front of his school. People talked bad things about him but I wish every human is just good as him only. At least he gave life to many students in the Mayai Lambi who are deprived of quality education due to paralyze government schools.

Meeting so many of them which still owe a value in their heart already drag me into home. Every day what I pray to God is that please take me home soon and let me get that peace till my last breathe.



Home Sweet Home!!

Mama what is Love?

Is it too late to ask this question "Mamma what is Love?"

Aha!! Seeing too many things in a day make me so confused. The best question I can ever asked is only to "ME". These days biggest question is what's love and marraige? Just like I have written my status in my forehead people would ask me when are you going to marry? Hmm no one is understanding like my parents...they never asked me when do I wanna commit for the big step? Beacause they knew what I want from life other than a trophy husband. Sometime I surprise and asked is it getting married solution for everything. There is one advantage of living here in Punjab. That's I can realise how important is marraige to them. People go crazy with the name "marraige". If one is not getting married at the age of 26yrs, its like a crush...don't tell me now I'm critizing and looking at the negative side..!!! This is not my pre-conception and I'm not living in those era where man has to go the jungle and cut woods for cooking and hunting animals for food. I'm now living in a place where the corporate employees are filled by 60% of women?

Simple question is where are we going? Question is that why are women still lived with such a big sense of insecurities when they are enough to stand for themselves? There is no emotional bonding, if so how is it possible when somebody is marrying a man/woman after seeing a photograph or after a few days of show casting each other?

My roomate, a software engineer lived her life in frustation because she is 26 yrs now.Every weekend she has to showcase herself in front of a stranger. If he liked her then she will get married, otherwise she has to tolerate about people bitching around of man disapproving her. Why I feel pity is that they are not born with the fredom to dream. She would sometime cry like why is God not making me married me so soon and keeping my parents in so much of tension and stress. Another girl living in next door would come every night and chat with my roomate, what  has she learnt about cooking and what her gonna be husband love to eat. I'm like "this is too much" . If the self proclaimed feminist listen to their conversation, they would have been ostracised. Every night the only concern in my roomate mind is that she should get married before she reached the big 27 yrs. She would say her  beloved  boyfriend that she is ready to get married within 20 days if the guy is suitable for her. I surpringly aksed her what about your boyfriend if you both are not getting married. She simply answer "arre yaar..you don't know anything. we are going around for more than ten years, we can't forget each other but caste problems and I don't want to hurt my parents."

Just a big sighh and long hmmm from me and just replied like "badhiya hain..mast life hain".

Another senior of me going around with her boyfriend since then they were in class IX. they are going around from past 15 yrs. The guy was a poor and a lanky fellow at those days. The girl was rich and beautiful. The girl stood by his side for 15 yrs but now the guy is in good job and he is running away and he is commited and will marry her just for the shake that "what will people talked about me if I don't get married to her". Sometime I told my senior that just sit together and try to find out those essence of emotions when you guys met 15 years ago, but sadly those essence were pricelessly destroyed and they can't be together again and never be happy with each other. But I know they will get married for sure because I knwo very well this guy..he is afraid of the world and what people will talk about him if he dump his girl friend of 15 yrs. Now everythig is lost and where is the love? Can they find out again?

So now tell me... don't you still get confused and don't you wanna ask your mama the same question?

One fine day I called up my mother and asked do you really feel that I should get married now? Wow, my mom was so cool unlike other's mom..she was like..stayed at least fro  2 yrs...I think you should enjoy now.There is no life after marraige.

I jsut say Thank God. At least they are not in tension beacuse of me. When was growing up Mama used to advice me..don't go for money, looks of a man but the one who is honest and educated. I used to say..Mama I like handsome guys. Then Mama says looks will go with ages but honesty remains...but I didn't follow her words, I run after the most handsome senior in school, also most brilliant student. It ends up with a broken pieces of my heart. Some years later I fall a cute friend, then again I found his cuteness more irritating..further I enjoyed my singlehood for some years then I again caged myself with the love of a man "not so good looking", but he seemed to be an honest guy just like Mama mentioned. Aha..this time I'm following what my Mama said and I was happy thinking that finally I have become mature and understood real feelings. It again proved me so wrong and result was almost fetal...I still don't know how should I conclude this time...but I feel lucky to be escaped instead of feeling the pain of loosing him. Should I conclude finally like Mama he was not good looking but he was not honest too in my terms...

So this time I'm going home and I'm gonna sit next to my mama and ask promptly "Mama what is love?"

My miracle motherland....

It was just like yesterday how much I was frightened with the noise of gunshots just next to my gate...even the July rain was ashamed to compete with these artificial rainfall of gunshots. I was angry and thought this land has no share for me. I hate to remember what happened to this land. I feel like it is a crush even thinking  that Oh!I'm born in this place and it made me suffered with so many troubles. It made me work like hell..and it let me faced artificial calamities of poverty and stagnant life which leads nowhere.

But I realise lately that I was wrong and I'm also among those cowards who loved to complain and romanticised the misery of the people in home with a bottle of English wine, cigar and idolising the famous Cuban revolutionist Guevara. What about thinking ourselves to change? Let’s forget about being act now? Acting comes later after we think something..It depends on how we think but we need to think in the right way first to act correctly. Complaint enough about politicians, bureaucrats, teachers, engineers, doctors and peons etc etc. But what have we tried to correct it except shouting? Are we really helping to correct the system when we don't wanna get dirty of our hands and we are just coward that we are enjoying here a secure life while our parents are left amidst the blanket of stray bullets? Aren't their life not worth like ours or aren't we giving an excuse saying that there is no work?

Yes, there is no work but not for those who wanted to work? By the way who is complaining about corruption in home? Do we ever point to our parents if they are among those corrupted people? Nope, we don't then why are we shouting today when people who lived a distress lives and whose right to life has been exploited by one of our corrupted father in some years back?

No one wanna listen to the big questions and No one like the truth but everybody these days dream to become an activist in his or her own right at the cost of the money which their corrupted fathers/ forefathers exploited by executing illegal work in the govt. offices.

I was chatting with a friend in the evening. He got frustrated listening to the news of CC higher secondary and Model Secondary being burnt by the unknowns. He said he never wanted to go back to home and he has no share to this land. Understood enough of such feelings of frustration and even I used to get frustrated before but was it a solution? Or does it make any change to me, my family or society at large? Not at all then what is the fun of getting frustrated?

Simple question I wanted to ask is that in case these unknowns have got the enough facilities and sent them to higher education and have a respectful life...will they come and burn the CC higher sec and Model school just for fun? Are we born with some extra balls so we are so kind  and seems to know humanity today or these people are born as nuts? This is just an example. It doesn't justify their act but why are we so brave of pointing finger on those people who do illegal activities and declare themselves as unlawful. Life of people of Manipur would have been different if it is a routine from the ages if protest against those people who governs the law and practice illegal work legally. No one protest so far if an officer asked for the extra money to execute a file in a govt. office who has been paid from the money of the people. We think it is a pride and we should give it and nothing wrong in doing so if my work is done? From years it is habit for them to continue in the form of custom and who is the looser? Those people who are at the receiving end and their kids are today on the road and expressing their anger and not so respectful life lived by them by burning and destroying everything.
Whom to blame now? Those class X failed militants who are abusing every moment and are just a toy of those politicians and bureaucrats and rich maniacs? Or those politicians, corrupted fathers who asked for the extra money to execute his work and duty? By the way do we ever ponder to think that these class X failed millitants are also humans and have a soul and mortal like us?

Time to think. If require quite the foreign wine, cigar, stop reading Marx theory, communist theory and applying them in home. It's our miracle motherland, not Russia, French, or a Japan. It's a land we live so let’s put our brain instead of applying communist theory and let’s forget Che Guevera for a while..as we know no Guevera is possible among us because Guevera’s father was not a corrupted politicians, reckless doctor, mean bureaucrat, engineer.

Let’s not talk about raining gunshots, the merciless militants, corrupted politicians, bureaucrats, engineers and teachers. If you want to change then it's time to tight your sit belt and leave for home and be a participant instead of being a spectator. You don't need to challenge the politicians, militants and bureaucrats but only being as a performer in your field.

Whatever we say and people romanticised in the misery of Manipur, we can't forget how we grow up, how we sang those rhythm songs without a music in the vast fields, No one can enjoy those feelings of how our Ema's narrating those stories of Laikhushangbi, Kabu keiyoiba, mabung taret thabaton whenever we irritated her in the late night and denied to sleep. Can I forget those late nights of Krishna Jarma..when Ema and I would wait for the radio drama program in the midnight and sleeping in her lap. Nothing can buy such peace in life..not by luxury of the city and a life full of achievements, money and modern equipments. I no longer enjoy the air conditioned room in a corporate office where human dignity is raped every moment ....rather I would love to sleep behind those bunch of bamboo plants near my courtyard listening to the songs of births and watching those ants fighting so hard and collecting their food for an anticipating rainy day!!!

Isn't it so beautiful enough for us to remember and miss the land we are born?

Aha!! Thats why I called this land as "My miracle motherland....!!!"

Dedicated post to my gutsy  and beautiful friends in home. Kudos and salutes to you guys...I'm joining you guys soon.

I want you to pay for this!!!

Why sometime I became so weak and weird? Why sometime I lost control over my tears? Why I distrust the word "trust"? Who would pay for this?

It would be you who have to pay the due. I'm no longer the one who should bear the burden of your wrongdoings and cover you up everything from everybody, thinking that everything will be fined. Nothing is fined so far. Trying to cover up so many wrongdoings of people I have become just a volcano of emotions. I no longer burn me silently and left as nothing.

With so much of innocence in my eyes and with so many dreams I build up every relation but what I recieved it just a betrayal which still awake me every single night and living like a melancholic. I also wish for a peaceful sleep and I never wanted you meeting in my life and giving a name to the relations and broke every dream and play with my innocence.

It's so easy to forget and I tried hard because I don't blaming myself and you my friend but now I need to step out of your life and lead a life giving you any space. In fact you deserve space in anybody's life and space. What you see from a person is how much you can gain from that person. How wish to live life without betrayal. How wish to smile and laugh so loaudly without pulling myself with the feeling of doubt and fear.

Just like the ripples of waves repaeted strike the bank of the river, your betrayal, presence , absence and love, care, hatred, everything is just a useless space to me which I no longer wish to keep within me.

For everything you did I want it you to pay now.

Why I love Manipur so much?

These day I'm so much into self-interrogation as I seek freedom within during my self exiled period. I used to hate reading news of Manipur but these days when I'm tired of work in office I used to open the pages of e-pao and the sangai express to have a small sarcastic laugh.

I never knew the reason why I miss my blood-soaked motherland Manipur. Is it the only reason that my parents are there so I wanted to go back and live there but there is something unknown which is pulling me so towards the land of extortionist, looters, opportunist, MLA's MCA's Cammandos, IRB's etc. I know if I go I will not get a space to stand and survive then why I wanted to go still? This feeling is really haunting. I do need  "a big help"? do I? Yes, I don't think no Tamil, No Mumbailite, No Delhite would ever love their state just like some middle class Manipuris does it.

Now the MCA's exam is so near. So many friends staying outside Manipur are appearing with the hope of going back home. But I was joking to my friend who is also going to appear that is it better to look out for a loan from ICICI bank to transfer to the bank account of those in the selection board or better to study? We have two choice. First one is something which some of our seniors opted. What respect come from within when you saw them siting in such post. They can only loot us. By the way, contrary to the real meaning of "respect"..what is called respectable person or position is those who are in the position to give money for corruption and get a position through it. Someone feel proud when they can lend money for corruption. No doubt there are rarest of the rare who are willing to work genuinely, but lets see for how long they survive?

Am I not had enough now of my motherland or am I being too negative.... ?

Me and the exiled queen!!

Life takes different test and you need to taste every result of it. Whether bitter or sweet its your own, you just have to swallow it, if no choice is there.

Once I live the life of a self crowned queen in Delhi. I don't worry about the world so as the world doesn't notice the existence of this stubborn lady living like a wild breeze in a corner of the Delhi. She hates her corporate job but she needs to do it to earn a livelihood. But I was happy once I'm out from the corporate shits. My world is my imaginative creation, no one dare to disturb it , except me and my dreams. I know how much my parents worried if I'm ever drown with this high voltage dreams which I don't know I can ever achieve so.


I asked myself why I'm not happy even after I get enough money and I do whatever I felt till now. No one ever restricted to whatever I do. Then I realized that its my passion, love, dream which are going against my job. Nothing to feel shy while committing the truth. Biggest mistake lies when I continue chemistry for my higher study.It gives me job and money but it kills my passion. Sometime I blamed my dad saying that why did you ask me to continue in Science. Its so boring. Oh! common I fell in love once with Chemistry when I fell for my handsome chemistry teacher but what a big mistake I made now!! I love running with my loose kurti and jeans with a piece of paper and pen as my weapon. I don't like fancy corporate cloths which suffocates me and blocks my brain from thinking.Well this is short introduction of how I wish to be liberated from everything which hold me so tightly. Now, I'm like living in the desert without water. I live like a robot in a place where people talk nothing, except marriage. How much I got irriatated when it comes of Ma-ba-bahu story..only I can understand. Just to make the situation more melodramatic I keep on watching movies like monsson wedding and how big is punjabified marrige? God bless my Lord that's all I said the girls around me start talking about marriage. Where should I run?


One woman whom I adore and wish to be was Moirang Thoibi, the princess who had defiled everything. I wish to be like her not because she married a poor guy but her guts to defile the convention. Above all what I love about her is how she bravely accept the offer of being deprived of her luxurious kingdom when she was exiled in Kabo. Then I thought she must be getting the ultimate freedom once she was freed from the taboo of being a princess and tightly hold with so many chains of obligation. She must be wondering with the feeling of  walking all alone without anyone to guard her. She must be enthralled for the first time when she live her life without any obligation. Accepting to live a life in exile is like finally you wish to seek freedom within yourself. It's a myth which I don't believe but I thank the writer who had created such a imaginative character  which every woman wish to live.

Everyday when my friends called up I used to say I'm living a life like that of Moirang Thoibi who was exiled in Kabo. My friends obviously understood what I meant and said it's just temporary. But I wish the temporary time ends soon. What I need now is being free from every chain which binds me so tightly but not the oxygen which everybody is getting free of course.

My lady comrade!!

Oh! my lady comrade
don't arrest me with your freedom
the night is too late
don't let her play
with her madness

Have not we drunk enough
with the venom of such nights?
As the years passed away
I left the world we belong to,
I already defiled our dreams

Oh! my lady comrade
Don't remind me tonight
for what I was born here
I'm caged again
within the womb
of this earth!!

Another Madness!!

She wore only her skin,
though she walked without any fear
in the roadside of Delhi

Her petticoat was hanging on her shoulder..

Layers of dust covered
her body...

Some onlookers tease her
Some "shoo her away"
Some laugh at her
with atrocities....

Lost for some moments..
in the middle of the road
I run after her
lending my shawl...

She ignored my existence
suddenly
She turn back and shouted at me..
"why are you running after me
I have nothing else to give you
you all have taken away all"

Look at me
I carry nothing now?

I tried to tempt her with my sweet words
offering to accept my shawl to cover herself..

"She shouted at me again
don't treat me like I'm mad?

"for what you want to cover myself
for what you want me to feel ashamed"

You all have taken away everything
now I'm carrying nothing
to snatch by these people
I won't cover myself again

I'm not mad
I'm not mad
She return my shawl with a smile
and run away!!

Amidst the crowd
and dust
I stood motionless
with so many questions
she had hurled at me and all.

*excerpt from a victim who was found walking on the road of Delhi...

Nothing special!

I'm not writing this piece as a full of regret or heart broken story. In fact now-a-days I started hating my own poems fill with heart broken and mentally disturbed emotions. I love living now strangely these days. Neither I feel angry, bad, anxious nor too hurt and depressed. Hope I have finally erased their space from my mind and heart. Oh! how much peace it gave me, I can only sensed that. There is no less of stupid, idiots, fool, lunatics, psycho, etc in the world and in the little space you have to survive in this world. But  I cant break the head of them because it will only injure me.

Nothing special is just a word click in my mind when my friend called up as usual to complain about his ex-lover who disposed off him and get married but she is not satisfied enough, now also she is making juice of his remaining brain. Well, I'm also a good listener these days because I hate too much conversation with the people around and I face problems in communicating with them, mind you this is not language problem but brain  connectivity is very slow or does not exist , so I hardly talk but just smile and listen. What people loved talking about? Any guess? "Shaadi" , marriage, man, that's the beginning and end for everyone here. Unfortunately I have not  included that part in my dictionary as a part of casual discussion so I hardly talk to people around. I'm a quite, nice lady as known by people and it's just the opposite of what I'm!!


Asked me how much it is difficult and hard to live life without having anyone to stand besides, back, front etc, forget about God, that I never have come across. I hope its within me. Right. In the past ten years I have never visited a temple. I know I'm weird and people will treat me as a crazy but why should I is the only question raised in my mind whenever I show the Hanuman temple near ISBT where people make huge traffic jam every Tuesday and always help me to miss one class for my LLB. Why God make people so crazy about him/her or men are making God crazy, I had no idea. Let it be. Its again not my favorite topic, at least not in front of my roommate who will eat me if I say I don't care of her Gods keeping on the table besides my bed.


Sometime I felt life makes me such a great fool but I enjoyed all those experiences though it was quite tough and useless. I have never learn saying "No" to anyone. I'm someone who even wake up in the middle of the night to help a bitch who hurt me or loot me but they came back and loot again with the same weapons. Now I felt its a high and time to delete some useless numbers and people from my list and mind. So many best friends I had but now I don't see not even five who would stand for me even if I'm falling in hell..

Yes, I was in a similar situation. Two days back I came back from Delhi and as usual I have to land in Chandigarh by 9.30-10pm. Never thought I would travel in the middle of the night till Mohali all alone. My so called best friend from school called up in the last minute and said she should be going with her boyfriend of one month old so she will not be in hostel and staying in one of her friends place. Damn in this big state, I know only her, my school best friend and as far as I remember we know each other from last 12 years from now. I said nothing but just wish her all the best for the date and cheer her up because she was feeling guilty. She was happy because I support her to go for the dinner date and thank her for asking me to travel in the middle of the night all alone. I just took a deep breathe and said to myself "mom & dad" will save me. That's all I said whenever I felt extremely scared of something. I started forecasting the days when I took her to everywhere in Delhi for her job interview, waiting for her in the airport and waking up in the middle of the night to drop her in the airport. I can't even recall, I even bunk my office and bunk my classes. Such things made me sad for a moment but made me feel good thinking that I can never become a bitch.

At 11:30pm I reach my PG, eat some food and with heavy head I tried to sleep. Suddenly my best friend calling me for the first time in the three months from the day I land in Chandigarh. Starring at the number, I said this is not the first time you have been fooling me. If I pick up your call again, I will be fooling myself again. So cut the crab, and make it short. Life is short, so isn't it better for you too understand some bitter side of life? I wish my best friend a very happy life ahead with her new boyfriend. I wish you to survive through out your life with the believe that you can use people only when you need them without knowing the value of a relation.

So nothing special about you my best friend!!

To my brave brothers!!

Trying to fight against the life
I forgot to live this life
Trying to be survival of fittest
I forgot to breathe freely
While mending the broken heart
I have not sensed the true love ever
What a waste of life..
When the death knocks at my door
one fine day
I would just cry my heart out
for the moment I lost and wasted....!!!

..It has been just 8  months that my kid brothers have landed to this strange city with full of dreams...they knew nothing but with a hope to rely on me for their dreams and future. I'm now away from them and I really miss them. They are cooking all alone and facing the world without even having anyone to guide them and see them. It's my trust and my parents love which hold them so hard and still protecting their innocence. I always blam God and unseen devine but now I started looking as an opportunity. I hope someday they will surely cherish their lonely hard days in Delhi and miss those fights and insecurities surrounding them.

I know I'm the most harsh sister one brother can owe but what to do? Sometime trying to meet the end I loose my pateint and react on them. But this is so true and hurting to me ometime if I ever hurt them. If I scold them in the morning before I leave for office I would make sure to get something special to eat...They can't speak neither english nor hindi but they are brave enough now to meet any difficulties. I'm so happy for them seeing making their own faith. I  no longer scared that they will be drawn with the bad wind of my own society here money, corruption, guns and drugs pulled us so deep into the hell.

My brother in class eleven idn't get admission into sceince and he is quite disappointed but now he is doing too good in his new subject commerce. And youngest brother is my hero and dream. I could see how I was when I was a kid and I know I gave my parents a tough time growing m up. No one would ever challenge my stuborness. Thats how my youngest brother is and he loves challeges, except that I'm worried about his eating habit.
I could not see them everyday but only thing which keep me in peace is that they are trustworthy boys and I know they will never disappoint me and pur parents...thats the only hope and strength that keeps me moving ahead in life. I will never say that I'm tired whatever it comes in my way. I know I'm not born and blessed with rich parents but I would not that much in life if I have not faced all the hardships in life and I could not be so independent if I have to depend either on a rich parent or a rich boyfriend...

I don't have any complain in life. Evry moment brings surprises both sad or happy. I have to embrace both and wait for the next surprises coming along with uncertain gifts of life...

nothingness again!!

When the nights comes it always bring an eternal conflict within me and its me who has been swallowed and eaten and left with nothingness.....


I’m in a big mess in every perspective of life now. Office work almost killed me and disgust feeling of loosing freedom questions me every single minute. For what I had studied and worked so hard? For what I left my parents in home and why I had to miss so many important moments of life just to earn few bucks for livelihood. These questions are very hard to answer for me.

I no longer enjoy hearing people’s appreciating words like you are earning enough, taking responsibility for your kid brothers, doing law, writing poetry, stories, social works blah blah…etc…which are taking me nowhere…except it crushed me into pieces and fragments which can not be fixed together and get along…

At the end of the day I felt so empty and so called luck or faith dumped me in every movement of my life. More I try to wake up and walk fast it always pulls me back and drag me into the shit holes.

With so many disgust things I stop now to even type a paragraph of my thoughts and so called philosophy. Now I had to begin a life believing to the truth that there is no freedom after birth and before death. Every dream betrayed just like my unworthy lovers and every night I’m burnt with the memory of every dying moments where I could only see “a lone me” just sitting and doing nothing….

I do not wish to write a disguise poem or a story because it only remind me of useless time I have wasted. I had to betray my feelings, my thoughts, my freedom and my intuition to start living a life acceptable by all. No body would accept a chemist crazy with literature, politics, history, social works, poems and running after her non-ending stories lying untouched in her mind…..!!!

To an unknown or whatever?

Its fun sometime being so crazy that you forget of being a serious surviving haman. There is one wish I always wish to keep in my heart...I don't wanna grow up and wanna live in my world sorround by craziness, loneliness, melancholy and sadness. You might be thinking I have gone nuts and gone out of my mind when I say I'm romancing this night which I will not meet again. Well, its not new if I say something not realistic today beacuse you are used to hear all these from the past few months. Yes, I matter a lot for the every passing moments and the hours and I can't just lay myself like a statue in one place. Thats why I broke out today and blamed you.

You will be unknown to me soemday or whatever some months back or years back. But beleive me I'm not going to fall in love with you for sure for whatever you did, neither going to ask you to marry me because I don't beleive in marraige just like you do.Also, I don't believe in religion and God just like you follow.  But beleive me in this truth that no one has ever done so much for me and have not taken care of a crazy woman like me just way you do. I feel very bad at the end of the day for being so harsh to you and using those abussive language. Still you never react and say a bad word about me. Sometime I thought what if somebody used these word to me? Just like I asked you this evening...exactly the way you answer I would have killed the person for whatever reason I have done to him. Feeling sorry and saying sorry at the the day to you is easy I know but afterwords I feel so guilty and I don't know why you tolerate me so much. Please don't do that from next time onwards ..that makes me feel so terrible and lunatic. Throw me out and don't care where I'm and what I'm but don't treat me so well while I'm being so rude and harsh towards you for nothing.

Dreams are so bright and so many. I wish I could share with you but why should I again give you another reason get harrassed from me? You may find me crazy if you read this but you know how crazy I'm? Sometime I'm so puzzle that why you are taking care of me every minutes without asking me anything in return too. You neither ask for a name for this relation nor did you look down for the things you have done so far. I have nothing to say but I would miss you so much in life if we ever have to meet a day from where we could never talk and meet each other. And it will not so easy for me to forget you just like you said I will forget you once I'm among my old friends. Nothing will last forever to me except the love and care you have poured to an unkind me so far. I don't thank you because I have already thank to an unseen devine who had sent you in my way. Hope you would be another reason for me to gather the broken fragmnets of me and wake up again like a living soul.

Have a great night sleep and wishing you for a great morning tomorrow. I dedicate this beautiful night in your name while I'm  spending this night wrting this blog and romancing with the lonely moon and stars up in the sky.

I'm so content tonight as I'm so blessed with your unconditional love and care. Good night.

I'm a surviving Nut?

I'm too much broken these days. Not because I faught with somebody I love or I'm deprived of my livelihood. But while trying to fill the potholes in the messy road of my life I have broken myself into pieces now...

Before I worried about my brothers staying at home. Now I left them in Delhi midst the unknown crowd and environment. This is the most difficult decision I have taken so far. I assure my parents that nothing will happen to them and I will be visiting them every weekend but I could not do so. While trying to opt for a better route of career and money I need to take a break from my LLB course. Thats one of the saddest thing for me because this one course where my heart falls to study and learn...

I'm filling with the broken pieces of me gap in the road of my life. Don't ask me how I'm doing and feeling as I don't feel anything now. Parenting my parents, nurturing my kid brothers, trying to cope up career pressure I have almost become a living statue. I just know what to do, how to do to meet the deadline, to fulfill the requirement, nothing else...

Sometime I also wish to sing those old songs, dance to my favorite numbers, write those melancholy poems..and narrate those sattered stories and cry for things I have not got..but Ive gone nuts these days..doing nothing, juts sitting idle...I'm lost...

Time to free women and children from sex slavery!!

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Ex-priest-exposes-clergys-sex-secrets/articleshow/6471601.cms

Oh God!! Give the liberty to the self professed Godman to enjoy sex; save women and children from them.

It is not so new to all of us. Like food, water, air, sex is another basic necessities for living;  it is another ingredient for human to survive, reproduce and save the race. Then what  is illegal and illicit factor linked to this term? Why are we having a perception that somebody is cheap and looser if they talk frankly about these? And people devoid of this as Godman?

We are ashamed to accept the human feelings and open up and live the way we are, but rather covered, hidden, suppressed and suffocated. These are exactly happening in our society. The sex racket, scandals, prostitution, trafficking are result of human inability to accept a nature given body, henceforth their feelings are suppressed so far to make a norm in the society, to keep a rule for religion and culture. For me culture, religion and society are another way to victimize the life of those who are given a subordinate position in among the race. Religion is best way to exploit human, nothing related to GOD  and people, no God would ever told a human secretly in his ear that if you wish to be my special man then start living from now onwards devoid of sex and supressed your feelings. If God has ever  delivered such declaration then God is Crazy…!!

Even the epic of God shows his multiple wives, children and his mistresses. Then why are we being so hypocritec to become a big and special man at the cost of harassing those helpless women and the children to kill frustation? In a land of Kamasutra we want to believe the stories of virgin marry. Think universally and naturally, no lady has given birth to a baby without losing her virginity. That’s against her physical needs.

Well, the trafficking news from Manipur, Nagaland and the other NE states hit the news. Sometime I can’t hold back myself and think about the poor children who are almost abandoned by their parents due to severely affected socio-economic condion. They become a sex slave of the GOD man in the Church, Temple and the mosques. If the religion is a medium or platform to exploit , harass or abuse women, children and those who are helpless then religion is a crime and it’s a high time we should abolish the terror of religion from the world till it’s deep root and throw it away. I love living beyond culture, caste and religion because it attacks my freedom, independence and liberty to live freely. I’m born freely from my mother’s womb so nothing can bind me so hard, except my mother’s love.

The hills and the valleys of the NE states are deserted beyond survival. No food, no water, no job, no work and no money, except free air are available. Parent has no capability to raise their kid and feed them even for one meal. They become easy pray for the traffickers, God man’s agents and they took the kids in the name of the free education in the far flung places of South India mostly where there are culture of convent and wide spread Christianity.

I don’t want to give more comment on how and what happen but I’m just angry against these sex hunger priest. Why are they acting as they are unique piece of God and they can be survived devoid of the normal life? Shiv Khera truly said that if such God man can be treated by leading a normal married life then why should not they are allowed to marry instead of women and children become their target of abuse. Many God man lined up this year in the doorsteps of the court and in the police custody. The reports claimed them of owning million dollar properties and even private jet. From where all these money is coming? Surprising fact is that India is the first country in the world who believes that God will be happy by donating gold, silver, properties and money. What a silly people we are when we are into the era where the discussion to live further in moon has been going on. I don’t blame the villagers and uneducated people whose only way to live happily and prosperous is to believe in some unseen divine and getting courage to move ahead in life. But what about the educated fools?

Well it is also our fault that we love to be in the lime light even for the wrong reason and our newspaper love the TRP even if the news is not so important for human morality, ethics and survival. We make a person God in one minute and we can make them a devil and destroy in another minute. But my concern is only for those kids, women who become sex slave to the priest and the God man. They are helpless people who are devoid of survival needs. My only suggestion is that religion or God devotees should not be restricted from having a marital life so that we can live in a world free from abuse, harassment , frustation and discontentment which only led to a disfigure society.

Forget about the big scandal. My own state also suffers from the menace of child marriage. No one give a thought to save from this menance neither the Govt. nor the NGO? They  are happy of launching the drive to close down the restaurants and humilation.. very sad factor is that even the parents think that there is nothing beyond the marriage and having a husband for girl/women. Every women/girl needs a husband or a partner to live with , so as the man needs a wife but not at the cost of life and against the dignity, pride of the human. If the child of 16 yr old is eloped they think she is over and get her married without giving a second thought. We can’t blame the parents who are already beaten so badly by the society norms. What we need is a change to begin from self and education to resist against the norms and culture which are against our survival, not only literacy which gives nothing except a certificate.

Law campus fiasco!!!

After three years of completing M.Sc. from Delhi University I'm now back to campus as a Law student with a dream to give a boost to my career. But things are not so pleasant being a student in Law faculty. To get the degree from the one of the most reputed Law faculty in the country you have to tolerate unhygienic environment. Don’t take me wrong here. Let me elaborate the pain we are going through to become a dignified lawyer. It’s not about study, it is not related to the competitive law entrance to get a seat in this faculty. No doubt this faculty has a name and more than 10 thousand students appear every year to get a seat here. I’m the lucky one to avail a seat here.

But never thought sometime you have to face an unhygienic environment. Unlike the Science faculty where we have to spent our time from 8 to 6pm in the class and lab , you need only 3hrs of your time in Law Faculty. Unlike in Science faculty where the students show their talents in classroom and the Lab, here you need to flaunt more about your speaking & arguing skill. Above all, the fancy cars are additional assets of the law faculty students for the certain elite sections who studied law to break the law someday!!


Well, forget about everything. Now let me get back to what I want to write about this faculty. Working in a pharmaceutical company made me so concern about a hygienic environment. I believe more in protection rather than chewing tablets to protect from the diseases. Being into the law faculty means you have to explore into every available virus, fungus, bacteria, flies and Insects. Just after you get into the department you are welcome by potholes and the flood water and the clumsy environment where you don’t even have a place to stand for five minutes. Moreover if you stand you will be attacked by the insects, flies and mosquitoes who had built a permanent nest in the faculty. The faculty is suitable home for insects, ants and flies and mosquitoes.
Passing though the corridor towards your class, either you have to block your nose or you have to stop breathing for sometime till you cross the vicinity of the toilet. The evening breeze would bring the stinking smell of toilet, dustbins into your classroom and you have to spend the three hours in a classroom by closing all the windows and doors even during the hot sumer. In addition to this you have to fight with those irritating mosquitoes and insects in the class. The decades old ceiling fan no longer work and you always have a steam bath in the class free of course. There is no proper lighting in the classroom and again you have to run to get those seats where the natural lights help your visibility.

Now, it’s election time. The not so good looking DUSU candidates would come and interrupt every class to deliver their trademark campaigning speech. Oh!! So tired of them and their TM smile. Of course they are not so good looking as you can see in their posters posted in the walls of the DU which makes the campus as an old cinema hall instead of the institute.

The dusu candidates are not less than our politicians. In fact they are preparing themselves to become future politicians but India is not in such a stage so that students can opt for politics as a career. These candidates of DUSU and the law faculty, at the first place don’t have a clear mind and honest mentality. Everybody are followers of our politicians who become famous after  facing an allegation of scam, fraud etc. in fact the DU election is a simply a dirty politics and people who would like to involve into the dirty politics stand for the election. Their speech even challenges the decision of the highest Court of India. Sometime they make me so stunt and I keep on thinking OMG, there is lotza things I got to know about the world from this kids.

Then I told myself what this people would do when they can’t even ask the administration of the college to afford to have a clean toilet and a canteen of its own.  Well, well, nothing much to say more about but I’m bit scared these days to visit this reputed faculty because of the dengue problem which is now talk of the town. Just after I get down from my office cab in the metro station I started praying “Oh God protect me from the dangerous mosquitoes”.

Now Im inside the law faculty.... let me enjoy one more campus fiaso......

What if, the world is inhibited by UNISEX???

http://e-pao.net/GP.asp?src=20..280810.aug10

Girl-boy child sex-ratio alarmingly decreasing in state.....

What if there is only one gender? Nothing called as male and female. Hope it's too dreamy but it would be too good to be true because there won't be anything called as discrimination and suppression.
Sometime I keep on thinking and questions like what is the difference between a human and a woman arose in my mind. The pain of being a woman starts from the day we are created as a successful embryo in a mother’s womb. It’s sometime ashamed to say how girl child have been treated even in my own family decades back. Now the things have been changed in my family and there is no longer gender discrimination faced by my sister unlike me and my elder sister had faced while we were a kid.

The cited news of the Sangai Express on the girl-boy child sex ratio intrigues me to share my own experience. But life is full of stories, some are too good and some are not –so-good but they are never bad to learn and march ahead in life.

My experience of being born and brought up in a poor to middle class family in a village/small town is something different. Such experience made me felt that I had already lived a life of 50 years ahead. People search, analyze and do PhD but I don’t need go through all these research because life has taught me enough and I must say all these gave me a lot which no one can grasp from the reading, seeing and practicing.

May be that is the reason I never had any interest in such things as a subject rather I thought of finding something new in the field of Science & Law.

I don’t know who made the society and what the society, culture and traditions fit into our elder’s tiny brains then they become woman hatred. I leave such debates to God who is believed to have made the humans though humans are formed as an embryo in the womb of a woman, who is subjugated, suppressed, look down and had no clan, no surname etc, so far in our society. May be my words are too extreme but believe me reality is more extreme if you are a woman who dream to redraw the line of control drawn by the so called society between the human and the woman.


I have six aunties and my father is the only male child in the family. My grandmother and my great grandmother hated girl child like anything. She did not even touch my youngest sister after her dream to see a grandson was not fulfilled by my mother. Unfortunately, my mother is believed as an omen in the family because she delivered another three girl child and increases the number of female member. I’m happy to know that there was not even a proper “swasthi pooja” when I was born because of the tension arose in the house for another addition of a female candidate. It’s a long gone story, nothing to feel bad about it rather I feel special and lucky , except my mother felt that my notorious behavior is related to all these!!! When she is fed up with my arguments she joked at me “oh you had missed the swasthi pooja”. I’m rather glad because I didn’t listen to the Brahmin reading prayers in Sanskrit. May be that effected me a lot now because I don’t believe in blind & idol worshipping.

The reason of sharing my experience is not just putting complaint against my great grandma and my grandma who had not given us a not so good treatment to us because of being a girl child. They are no more in this world and I owe my deep respect, love and regard to them till their last breathe despite of everything; simply, for the fact that I’m here because of them and they are God for me. How the society, culture and the people living therein made them from human to women is not related to my eternal bonding with them. Their blood still runs through my veins and arteries but I have protected so far myself from being contaminated with the social norms.

They belong to a very poor family and their husbands expired in the very early age and they had to face the hardship of surviving and living both in a male-dominated society.

As a child I never agree to whatever my grandmother said because I felt that she ill-treated me, my elder sister & my mother but later on I changed my perception thinking that she loved us so much and don’t want us to face the same troubles they had faced being a woman.

They were always furious with my parents because of my dressing sense. I had never touched a phanek till class VIII just because they force me to wear it and its an offensive figure to them seeing a girl of my age roaming with the boys in the locality with half-pant, big Tees and short hair. They gave me examples of my neighbor beautiful girls wearing phanek, long hair. Sometime their words hurt me a lot and I even dreamt to walk like them, have a long hair and wear a phanek but I always failed. But I’m truly adored by my parents and never told me to wear a phanek. Rather they are happy with my performance in school and always encourage me to be what I’m. I still remember my father taking me to the tailor to stitch proper coat-trousers and a beautiful skirt for my elder sister. What a sweet memory it was and I might not be the person I wanted to be if they have not given me so much of freedom to pursue whatever I felt. They protected me so much from the suppressive norms of the society and let me enjoy my childhood without bothering which gender I belong to despite of all the harsh words from my aunties and grandma.

The feeling of ignorance, suppression and discrimination hurts undoubtedly. Some people say that I 'm thinking too much but when it comes to the question of being self, dignity, pride and respect of a human, it matters a lot. May be that is the reason I find it quite difficult to deal with certain section of the MCP who can see woman just an ornament and cultural ambassador of the society. We don't want to change and grow with time but we love being a copying cat of other's in the name of culture and tradition preservation. We bother more about the culture, tradition and society but never thought & discussed and try to rectify our mistakes of treating a girl child differently from her counterparts.

So, isn’t it the time for us to wake up and educate ourselves instead of killing a fetus in the womb of a mother and making her a criminal instead of a mother? True, we live in a lawless land but let’s not at least make a mother a criminal by enforcing her to do sex-determination of the fetus and depriving her from her motherhood. Nevertheless, I might be born as an unwanted child to my family; my parents never owe less love to anyone of us so lets not force a mother to kill her child. This thought must have killed them instead. Why should not we welcome a girl child with a smile instead of terminating her in the womb? Let them free from the taboo of the culture, tradition and society norms, they will outperformed what a man can ever do. Then why are we still so bound with the name namesake clan, surname and heritage. Who said that the bloods from the parents don’t run through a girl’s veins & arteries. They are same as a male child except that the society made them women/girl depriving from their basic rights to enjoy as a free human.

Silence is the hardest argument to refute!!!!

These few words have changed how I look into a situation and how I handle it.

Since then I thought of keeping silence to any circumstances where there would not be any justification of words, my life is too good and peaceful. These days I don't pay attention to the idiots and hypocrites, don't waste my time and energy to the issues which is created by some devil minds. lastly but not the least, those people who has a problem with their own life but they lead a different life like hypocrites in order to show to the world. That’s something I really hate,so sometime i love hating pople. Its more than enough for me to learn from the people around me regarding all facts & fakes of life. Sometime I keep on thinking how people must be feeling when they lei to themselves and how they must be leading a life in that way!!

Should you call m self centered or self obsessed for being  so quite but I can never lei to myself. I can never live an artificial life, can't believe to a lie that would kill me soon like a slow poisoning...

These days some funny things are happening in my own social network too. Obviously the victim would be people like me, I have faced the same situation innumerous times.
"Expecting the world to treat u fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a lion not to eat you just because you are a vegetarian"

I'm not anybody's side neither agaist anybody  but simply feel irritated when ppl played with emotions n sentiments . In the morning I read some words of Arundhati Roy regarding a movie made on poverty.

"People become rich by selling poverty, but not the poor. They sell poverty but not the poor because it is not attractive."

Same thing is happening in my own soceity. Some rich people from some rich family gathered to support the  poor and needy. But things turns out upside down. Sometime I pity those people who live life for money and happy with other's gratitude only. They can never be happy without getting something in return. What a shame?
What a shame for these people who are more concerned with winning an argument instead of understanding the situation and trying to help.

Here again I opt to keep silent because I know that they can never see/feel/understand how a poor lead their life. What can I ask more to those people who feel proud of growing up in a protecting family without acknowledging where they live, those people who drive a sleek car where the road deserves for a bullock cart?
This is how elite people look at the poor people, they are not helping the poor, and they want to feel good with the gratitude they have got from the pity mouths of the poor. They want to enjoy with the ecstasy of joy by spending their money to cover up the poverty. They want to feel worthy of their life and forget about the sin they have done or by their parents by doing same business of poverty, so called helping the poor and needy .....
 
written two years back after attending  a ngo meeting in Bassnt Kunj....thank god she didnt call back after my mail....

UNTITLED.......

Yes, I’m different. I’m a brave lady in your eyes. I have so many things in my life except you.

It’s also true that I can stand on my own. Even the sky falls over me, I shall not stop being myself. Your brave lady!!
She cried......
I’m not used to live without having him around me. I thought time will come and I will feel that it’s the time to move on. But how far I’m able to move on?

He went away with so many promises left behind without fulfilling it. He owns a wife now, he is a good son in his parent’s eyes and he is a father from his unwanted wife.
How would you justify me that you love me so much an you can’t live without me? My mistake lies with my perception being so liberal and living with my dream man. But he was someone who couldn’t understand himself. He is among that man who sadly can’t recognize his own feelings.

With an excuse of caste and religion he left me so easily. With such an easy excuse of fulfilling his parents dream he forgot to feel the nerves running in my body.

Have been years I never tend to involve and move ahead with another someone special. Life does not end here. I know I don’t wish anybody teaching me but what I’m looking now is just to recover from this phase of life.
Suddenly yesterday I was getting ready to go for office I found his ties left in my room. Suddenly in the back of my mind flash back that day I bought this tie for him for his promotion. I thought I sun will never set for us and will not leave me alone in the darkness. I dream that the romance will continue till I’m death. Now I have to live like a living death body. Dying for every moment and seconds makes me so tired of this life.

My landline numbers suddenly ring.

The heavy voice on the other side of the phone seems to be quite known to me. In fact his voice shattered my world suddenly. I could not hear his voice from last one year.

I don't know what he wanted from me now? Something left with me??
He said “I’m here in Delhi”. Can we meet for the last time?

I didn’t speak anything. The tears just roll down. I just replied “would you still call me a brave lady and I can face any situation?”

He didn’t answer. We hold the phone for some minutes. He keep saying “hello” in another end of the phone then I hang the phone repeating his words “I’m a brave lady and I should face every situation”.

While driving down the busy roads of Delhi, my mind keeps thinking of the woman whom he got married. For whom he has to abandon me emotionally and physically. How lucky she must be getting so much of love from her in-laws and her husband. Why I’m feeling so cheated when I know that nothing was wrong on my part. Though it was him.

On the side mirror of my car I was looking at myself. My eyes were swelling so I was trying to cover up with the thick dose of the eye-liner. Whatever you are and how sad your life is, office is not the place you should show your personal life. Learn with the past experience I try to own a lost smile and enter my department.

Just after I enter my office, I don’t know where I’m and I forgot now what should not do in the office.

Oh! Unbelieveble! This should not happen to me today! I have some important cleints to meet up today! Saying this I just rush to my cabin without noticing what's happening around.

My colleagues and seniors are congratulating him for his marriage and his new found baby. Suddenly I remember those days I would insist to sit near his system in the name of working and tease him whole day. How much he got annoyed with my unpredictable temper and tantrums.

His suddenly left me so numb.

Neither I cry nor do I say a word. Just sitting in my cabin and trying to hide my lost state in fronts of my colleagues. I don’t know how I should react now. Everybody in the office made so many stories about us is created when we were together and after he left to get married with another woman. Now I have to face another story of his sudden visit to my office. I don’t know which is more painful?

his sudden appearance with a gloomy face or the pinching stories of the onlooker? Both I have to suffer since he has already escape from such questions. Questions and lies are only thing he has left with me for the love he has owed.
When I’m already lost in my thought he suddenly peep through my cabin and said “may I come in….. “

What will happen when the heart bleeds for 64th years???

http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article572410.ece
http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article572596.ece?homepage=true

Like any human who owns a heart to feel I simply want to ask a simple question what will happen when the heart bleeds for 64th year??

Today is 64th Independence Day of India. The blue sky of political city Delhi is coloured with the triclour kites & flags. The kids are playing cricket on the empty road and every person is busy celebrating the 64th year of freedom. But I have no mood to celebrate but I have not still got the freedom included in every para of the constitution. I'm still a foriegner even being in my own country. I'm still a refugee run from home to escape from the stray bullets and granades. No life has a natural death in my home. Someday even I will also end my life in the hands of those stray bullets fying indiscreminately in the free air. They have no caste, sex, race and colour. They are unisex liberal killers.

Just reading the Hindu Newspaper. Every passing PM and the President give their speech to its people and it always has one common appeal for Kashmir and NE. How sad if you are living like this and for how long we will live like this. Since then I'm born to the Independent India we have never be part of the celebration. Whether I like it or dislike it I can never deny I'm an India. Whether I'm against the politicians and the people who are racist against my community we have never forgot to cheer for India when they are playing cricket against Pakistan. Whether we are called chiky or nepali we couldn't stop our tears when the Indian armies are killed in the Kargil War. When I isten to Lata Mangesker's song "mere waton ke logo" and AR Rahman's "Maa tujhe salam", my eyes become wet.

How sad again about these feeling which has not been recognised and disrespected for so many years.
Without knowing the meaning in my grandfather who was my teacher. But I'm sad about my grandfather who taught me this song but he have not seen that his childrens are not treated not so well by the Independent Bharat.

Good to hear the PM offering to the terrorist of NE and Kashmir to come to the dialogue table. We have only one dream to feel free from our bleeding heart and celebrate the true celebration of the Independence Day.

When you have seen your parents in home are living under the sky of bullets and their life is at stake how could you ask me to sit in peace and celebrate the 64th year of Independence. Is the Independence only destined for the people lives in the mainland then . Who can celebrate when their gates are shut down by the wires of AFSPA?

The politicians benefits from the bussiness of AFSPA. The millitants enjoy the opportunity to thrash us and cut our throat from survival taking its advantage. The police & army loot us, rape our body and dignity in the name of protecting the state but no one has bother about the people.

The law protects the country from the separatist, the army and the state force execute to suppressed the activism and the activist do good deal with the politicians to gain monetarily and to earn name, fame and position. Today's separatist is future politician, today's student Union leader who is shouting against the state and its policy is tomorrow's Chief Minister. The biggest bussiness in a state protected by AFSPA is you either become a millitant or enter state police, or a student union leader or then you have a bright future.

How sad it is to think about the fact that I'm born to a troumatised state where you have nowhere to land. It really bleeds out heart. This is the same feeling that must be happening to the every person who lives through the pain and anguish of living in Manipur and JK. Have they ever got the opportunity to celebrate the Indenpendence day without facing the genaral strike,Bundh and threat from the terrorist and I still ask the another question ...

Will they get the opportunity to celebrate the Independence Day by forgetting the gunshots, their lost fathers, mother, husband, bothers and sisters in their lifetime?

I'm eager to witness that day before I take my last breathe.
But for me I could never forget the sounds of the raining gunshots in the middle of the nights in my last visit to home. Can anyone stop my brothers from fearing from the sounds of crackers and the deeming sounds of heavy boots heard in the front of our door? What a sad feeling I had when my brothers got scared of the sounds of the crackers and fireworks in a neighbours marraige in Delhi. They thought the gunshots have followed them till here. They thought there is the police have come for a combing operation near our rented room.

So far I have forgotten to remember those gunshots while trying to engage with the struggle to survive as a refugee in the big city. Wish my brothers also learn to erase those erratic sounds from their memory.

But the heart bleeds when you remember your vacated home and your old parents living out there among the millitants, corrupted politicians, the police...

Our hearts are bleeding from the last 64th years...