Imprisonment!!

Living in prison of other kind within the four walls of transparent thick glass where humans are caged for nine hours. 

Here everything is scrutinized- temperature, talk, rules, policies and not to forget sexiest jokes greet us in the morning to bring a laughter. How sad it is that we have nothing to laugh at life apart from some dirty bedroom jokes by some frustrated soul.They called it liberalism, see how free women and men are, they can talk about their bedroom dirty secrets as an entertaining script.

It's more than a death sentence given to a criminal and you get this punishment after getting highest degree from highest rated university of this country. What a loser we have become at this capitalist world! You are trapped so as I'm. For how long one can be alive with such death sentence, how can one laugh with their heart when they are just living death.  
I missed the life in my village. Running in the field, catching fish in the rainy season, living without a dream but a life filled with laughter and love. The faces of those in village just become a memory, seems like everything is erased and screened from my head, I missed listening to the midnight songs of drunkard uncles in the neighboring road. They are more than a poet to me, their songs are so meaningful though no music to it. Some cry about their wife, some for lost lover and some are rebellious, against the meira paibi who spends the night in the village hut in a roadside chewing tobacco but shouting slogans against the drunkard.

The misery of this luxurious life in Delhi took away every memories of a childhood, it has stolen my innocence, crush this heart which only knows the colour of blue sky and green field. The evening falls with the noise of crows, devils and loud honking of desperate Delhite. Sadly,even the midnight moon no longer bring back the memories of lost lovers.

Living in this prison of other kind is like a guinea pig in the laboratory of a mad scientists, testing his medicine on us to make human like a robot..emotionless, voiceless and death!!!

Ode to all my dying dreams!

I wish I could bury my dreams
I wish I could envelope all of them
Wrap them layer by layer
Saved myself from burning me
From turning me into ashes

I feel soul-less all the time
I was wrong of existence of my own
When I'm only asked to kill every dream of my own

Everything is dying
The dreams, the hope
Love, loneliness,  midnight blue
Every moments which awaken my soul

Everything is dying slowly
With or without my consent

Some,I killed with my own hands
Some, killed by each of one of them
Killed by so called love
So called love
So selfish
So lifeless
Bloodless

Beyond those grey lines!!

Beyond those grey lines and beyond many broken dreams, the finest thing I have ever come across in this life is you. When I spend my time alone, when I'm with solitude only, I can not think of anything beyond you. I feel guilty for what I'm and for not loving you with all my heart at times and for dreaming to leave you behind from my life. But that remains in dream only. I could not think a life without you. Best part of our relation is that we have nothing to hide and for being oneself in front of each other. I do not know how far I was in love with you until I saw the other living with so many grey shadows and playing hide and seek in their relation. Only thing I fear was that one day I had to hide something from you so that you can love a person who is not me. Every relation is incomplete, every relation faced the bad times but I'm sure today that I can face anything which will come in our way without a spot of doubt. Many people came and gone in our lives but no one stood by us. No one understand us as a person just like you understand me. What I have dreamt ever in my life is to swim like a little mermaid in your world without any fear. But today I'm rather sinking slowly with my own thought of guilty because at a time I thought of leaving you just because I can't withstand your tantrums. I never tried to see the battlefield in front of you, I never thought I should be there to give you the strength and hold your hands when you were alone in front of everyone. Today, I tried searching for every word that comes in my mind to seek your forgiveness but I could not find any. I left you in pain, I left you alone when you needed me the most. I left you in a time when you need my love, care and hug to make you sleep and forget the pain. I must say I was selfish and weak so I run away from you. Everyday I saw your face with guilt in my heart and this will not last for long. I wanted to love you anew, just as before. I wanted to be as crazy as I'm whenever I see you. I wanted you to be sure of the fact that there is no one who can ever win my heart than you are. I wanted you to be sure that there is nothing which can stop me from loving you more than ever. I'm not saying this just to keep you hold of me but just for myself, just to love you more than I ever do.

I'm writing this not only for you but for us. For a life we would be spending together. I have no words to thank you for so much of love, for trusting me more than yourself, for having faith to me more than I do it to myself. Yes, I'm the luckiest woman ever to be loved by a man like you, thank you for holding my hands and walking with me during the hardest hours of my life. I was a fool and I ask you to forgive this fool for not seeing the love in your eyes, for not feeling the love in those precious hugs. I have no words to seek your forgiveness, but to make you understand that I will love you and only you till the last breath of my life. 

Beyond those grey line, beyond this incompleteness of life, our love will remain the same. I will never let you walk you alone. I will never make you feel alone. That's the promise I will keep with you for this lifetime. 

The definition of being Good women !!

Finally I have confirmed to myself and stretch myself till the farthest limitation that I could to conclude that I'm tired of being good, perhaps a good woman. My life seems to be more threaten with the men living around me in the form of father, brother, relative and any other relationship than any other terrorist. They only expect me to be a good daughter, sister, girlfriend or whatever but to be a good woman. You can no longer be a peaceful human to become a good woman. When you come back home after working 9 hours in office, travelling for 3 hours in metro, your brothers expect that I should cook and clean the room. Whether they are sitting at home whole day or not, it does not matter. But you have to do it because I'm the woman in the room. I really crushed this generation of mother who made themselves a servant and brought up their sons without a sense of responsibility at the house they are living and to understand the woman they are living or will live whole their life. Time is changed. Woman are changed. Woman are no longer playing one role of cooking, washing clothes and dishes but our men are yet to go for few more generation to catch up with the new generation of woman. They expect to earn good and smart because you can not survive with one man earning economy with so much of demand and live a comfortable life. But when you come back home, you forget everything that the same woman perhaps have spent the same or more number of hours than him in the office or travel. Let it be your father, brother, husband will never ask you if their daughter, sister or wife is tired or they can help them. If you do not do what they expect then you are a selfish you and the home is no longer home. Everything is blamed to a woman but they never thought of giving up their inherent selfish habit of what man should not do.

The world is always cruel. It can not tolerate a woman who is capable of managing their own life, taking their own decision but they do not mind they becoming a major financial contributor in the family. But in their eyes you can never grow beyond their outdated definition of what a good woman should be.

Who wants to welcome you at your room all the time with dusty floors, unwashed dishes, untidy bed ad dirty bathroom. Is all these stuffs are meant for woman only. What really put me numb is my teenage brother whenever they go home started to behave like my mother is their all time servant. Which civilisation has taught that man can not take their plate and wash themselves. I'm totally amazed with the definition of their love for their own mother, sisters which they can not see beyond being their maid to clean their room, bathroom, bed and wash the dishes. At times I felt that why such a foolish relationship for the sake of providing comfort to another while other is totally exploited and suppressed. Even if I'm more capable to do many other other things than any one my male siblings, I will be no where ten years down the line. It is easy to say anything and make any rules of society and family by male dominated world. But living under such expectation, systematic suppression and saving the false pride of man which are inherited from the selfish habit is truly tiring.

Yes, being good and being trustworthy is the most unworthy responsibility. My father has no expectation from his other sons and daughter. At time they called to inform one is having headache, other can not go to bathroom and other is doing this and that. In the whole process no one could even think for a moment that what I want from my own life and little time I get after slogging 9 hours in office and travelling for 3 hours daily in busy metro. At times I feel terrible about myself that no one even asked me once in this lifetime what I wanted to do with my life. It is all about meeting the end of what they want, what they expect and what they want me to do. The day you even spent a hour for yourself, even you sleep even an hour more than they expect then you are no longer a good woman. Their definition is too shallow, its third world definition of woman and I really need to find out a way what I really want to do now and it seems already too late living with so many expectations on me by so many people who could not even understand that I'm a simple human just like them and I too has limit and feel the pain in knees, joints just like anyone of them. I do not need to tell them that I'm a human or super human but it is better to leave them in their own way to treat their own selfishness.

Madness of many dreams !!

Nowadays I'm always dreaming about so many good memories. About love, lost, smile, memories of beautiful people who once was with me and sparkling moments of togetherness. Life never leave me alone without a reason to worry or excitement. Some people has a smooth and boring life in life but I never have a smooth road to get anything in life. Even falling in love cost everything for me. At times I feel that what a waste of emotions and time but I did the same mistakes. And I never learnt and could never become practical about life. Still I'm carried away with this life's roller coaster ride of love, relation, hatred and fear of losing someone close to you. I thought I'm the only one who fears the phobia of losing your love. However, the world love is never too beautiful and exciting without knowing the taste of heartbreak and some drunken nights end up with a missing day celebration. There was a time I missed somebody so much I used to get up in the middle of night just to cry having no other option. I always assume one thing that he must be feeling the same. Some dreams of being with the one whom you adore and admire remain unfulfilled. But they never stop you till today drawing you in their dream where you can rest for a moment forgetting the rest of the world and nagging of so many relations around. 

Some relation are for few moments only. Even if you do not want to end them it slips from your hand and you just could hold those droplets of tears in your hand as their memories. Some relation has no explanation of why we were together when we have nothing to be one. We just met just a stranger, we talk, walk hand in hand but share no dreams. And here comes a day we become no one for each other. Every single moment dies in front of our eyes, we walked away without even looking at each other's eye which hurled so many meanings. Why we made every relation so complicated and why we become such a hypocrite that if you do not gain anything then you can't love someone selflessly? 

In life, I'm never stunned by why one become a beast, a prostitute or a fallen woman as the society named them. But I'm always stunned by the woman who gives a moral judgement to other woman and they think that they can be a queen in a man's heart by selling the dignity of another woman. Giving judgement is so easy but understanding a woman and her broken hearts and dream is something one could never think of doing. Why woman always talked bad things about another woman. Why they feel that they will become good in the eyes of a man if other woman are bad? Being good or bad is not the criteria to be in love. But being true to self and having no double face is the way to win a heart. The other one of the girl was narrating to another that her friend having extra marital affairs and how bad it is. I wonder and pity that one should never have a friend like her who behaves like a parasite and could not be trusted. Where she saw a benefit she started talking about the another being fallen one. What should we call about the person who is taking benefits of people those who are fallen or bad one according to them? People are the scariest thing and I wonder if they know better before speaking about anybody's life. I wonder if she could ever try her friend's broken dreams and shattered moments which led her to involve with another relation out of wedlock. It is easy to make judgement but one should first learn to love and know the joy of being in love, hurt, ignorance and cheat by the one you love. It must be so easy for some woman dreaming that they could trap a man with a tongue twisted conversation but let me tell you the truth. It takes to win both his heart, mind and stomach to be in love and relation. Pleasing someone's ear is easy and some man may prefer to polish their ego by some dumb woman but please ask them once what actually is love to them before you pass your judgement. 

Becoming a woman ?

Life is a big circus where everyone around you tried hard to trap you from every angle in life. If my mind is free then they want me to stop thinking, if my long hairs are playing with the morning breeze then they want them to tight at its base and if you are a woman who wants to live a life of your own, dream and die for your dream only then they call you a selfish lady.

Yes, becoming a woman from a girl is the hardest transformation I have ever achieved. I missed those days walking anywhere I want to reach without a burden and expectation in my head. Life has trap me from every corner. Parents trap me saying that it is my responsibility to provide free food, free education and accommodation AC room in Delhi for my brothers who has no urge to dream and achieve something in life other than sleeping. To fulfil family's dream I cut every dream of my life into pieces to make it bearable. That's not the end. Finding freedom in where you work is impossible, corporate culture is extension of old colonising system, where your senior always make feel guilty of what you are and they make sure to feel that you only deserved what you get, so don't expect more.

Well, the every step of life is challenging and it's never easy to make people understand what kind of person I'm but I never wish to bow my head in front of them to understand me also. It is not my job to tell a man what I expect from a man since I do not want their free shopping in the mall, taking me in their car, expensive gifts etc. Only thing that wonder me till now is that there are some man on earth who do not know the value of the woman who has given a new direction in their life and she made him part of her life but only thing he could thing about it is that she is probably desperate to hang on me. One thing I have learnt from such selfish people is that no one in the world should not be treated unequally. There always come a dog's day and they still walk in the street like a lost dog without anyone to bring them home. Love is powerful and those who gave it selflessly are the most powerful people. One may exploit them, used them and thrown them out of their life but they never live life without a hope. It is always like a season to them and when there is a spring it again blooms like other seasonal flowers.

Becoming a woman was the hardest struggle in my life. It demands to forget myself and love others but it could not be the rule of life. There was a time I hurt myself because someone hurt me so badly that I was left with no courage to move on. I waited every night with my phone walking aimlessly in the trace but there was no end to it. I did not accepted the defeat but I realised that it was not worth. I did not move on but I learn to love myself rather than giving it to someone who would never know the meaning of love by default. The only changes I could bring in my life was that I learn to fall to love myself. I made my choices, rather than people enforcing their choices on. I keep writing in every pieces of paper to find out myself. Now onwards it is never a choice of other how I want to live but of choices to fall in love with one I want to be, to remember those memories which left with a everlasting smile of this lifetime without a bonding. And to live now for myself and him for another journey in life where we could only nurture a life of "ours" without the dream, expectation of how the rest of the world wants to see us. 

Corporate blue and my wayward siblings !

One thing I always pray in life was that if I was only sister to my elder sister. I never admire having a brother since from the day one my brothers due to discrimination by my grandmother. Seeing my brothers pamper beyond their control was irritating.

I do not know when I will get my freedom back in life. It is losing hope and day by day I have given up in all my dreams. Dream to spend life in home, work only for 4-5 hours, sing and dance just like no one is watching and write the rest of the day. Every night my eyes were in pain and I had to sleep forcefully just to make sure that next day I could go to office. At times I have started thinking that why I'm earning when no one even bother about what I have dream about them and how much sacrifice I have made for them. My brothers have become like a parasite to my family as they grow up. Till today my parents compromise their way of life just because they want to see their sons in good school,college and a successful career. But how easy it is for some people living like a parasite and still blame the others. There was a time my father do not have money to spend in my coaching and I had to say him I could study alone just to make him happy. But here is a pervert son who spent 80k in coaching and almost a lakh in school and then he said he could not study because everyone scolded him. I wish I have the courage to disown them and bring an orphan instead of them. After all who cares about another once they are out of their way. Better option would be that you adopt an orphan and make the life of someone who knows the value of other's life, sacrifice, money and dreams. 

I do not know do they even have a dream apart from taking money from sister and father, day dreaming of becoming someone big as in Rajnikant Movie without studying and doing everything they want to do without any hard work. They would never know it was truly pain in the ass driving cycle for 20 km a day and going school and then reaching Delhi without anyone's support. Again it is a heartburn, when you are made to sacrifice by your parent's blackmailing that your brothers should be made a "big man" so you start working even before I could give the final year exam. I wonder what are they up and what I was thinking in those days. I know it was dreamy, beautiful and full Hindi film family drama. My foot ! A film always based on a terrible mother on torn saree and handsome son with elite class girlfriend, a sacrificing sister doing everything for her brother and finally they abandon them on the roadside. But still the history continue though I'm not in a position that no one could abandon in the roadside. 

But who cares I'm still in the circus of corporate world where I met everyday so many people who holds so many degrees and studied from so many famous institute unlike me but still laugh at the sexist husband-wife jokes and so many sati savitri around to judge our character. Every morning is all about seeing so many frustrated with fake smiles in the metro who can kill each other for a seat. I don't mind seeing them everyday but for what ? The purpose has become very useless when you have all your wayward siblings only mean for your money and support to their perverseness. At times, I wish I had no siblings, apart from the burden and pain, I could never share with them momentd of happiness in life. Whenever I saw their face, I started thinking that they are the reason I'm here in corporate and living with such a shattered dream without having a moment of melancholy and loneliness. 

I have lived for so long with such a dying dreams of getting rid of this corporate blue but still I have to bear for few more years till I could get rid of my own wayward siblings. Only thing I'm doing is for my parents miserable thoughts of giving them a good life but I wonder if they could ever understand about success, hard work, sacrifices in life apart from being nasty, pathetic, and selfish. Now I no longer wonder about their career but rather about their humanity and being a good human who can understand poor, love, affection and sacrifices which a human must have to be able to differentiate from animals. What I do not want them is becoming another frustrating face in metro whose worth of life is just for getting a seat in Delhi metro !

Struggling with the life's melodrama !

I do not know life is really tough for me and is it the way I look at this life. Everything seems like a failure at times. No one seems around when you really need someone to hug and cry. And it looks so crowded at times, I'm left with nothingness. Is life really good for others who has nothing to worry about money, family, brothers, sisters and parents ? Or is it the nature of human that we always find a problem in our life ? Questions never stops coming at my mind and I always run after the answers which rather thrown me into another illusion of so called happiness. My own stand, ambition and affection seems to have trouble myself and I own willingness to become selfish always end up with a bitter feelings about myself.

I know there is no solution for my brother's careless attitude and my sister's child like nature even at an age when they should be able to stand on their own. I lose my patience and they made me truly crazy but I can not think of living my brother in a situation like Manipur. No one could say anything what will happen tomorrow to any person in Manipur. I do not know whom to blame? They tolerate my tantrums and my anger but at the end of the day I can't leave them at hell though I know they should also come close to the reality of this life. And I know its their duty to know that they can not always depend on me for years but leaving them at this stage is not a solution. It is difficult to find good people who would come to help but there are lots of them who can turn our life to hell in a given minute. My brothers make blunder which drives me crazy but I have seen them making more horrible decision in life whenever we abandon them with our care and family value. I have nothing to gain from whatever I'm doing today and what I always dream is all about my parents always wanted to see their all kids living an independent life without depending on anyone.

Life's melodrama keeps unfolding and it never stops. I have no option but to deal with it. Sometime its boyfriend drama, its brother drama and its my own drama. What else I can do about it. From every side I have to play this melodrama of life. If I don't play well it will unwind me to somewhere I would have no return.

Only thing I need to learn is about more patience and more energy to deal with it. 

Seeking an answer !

Why some people are born heartless? What turn them to become so selfish and shallow? Why they even feel that they are punishing the one who has done everything for them by destroying their own life. No one could understand the pain until they are injured and no one will appreciate what others have sacrificed their own life, career, ambition and everything until the sky falls on them. There should be a limit. Now I'm going to draw that limit. You can’t be good all the time when you are insulted and humiliated just because you are good. You can’t love a person any longer when they lost the value of your love and cheated in your emotions. No one is forbidden to choose what they want in their life but if that is at the cost of someone’s life and dignity then they are bound to pay for that. I'm no longer surprised about the science and its invention but about insensible people who are born heartless and shameless. One can be mad and insane but they can’t hurt their own so much that others lived in his pity.

Life was never easy for me from the day I was known to this life. Every stage was a struggle to survive and live a dignified life. It is harder when you are bound to live in a heartless city like Delhi where no one cares about another human when there is no money. I live with a dream to providing the minimum comfort one could give to their parents and a good education to my own siblings, from which I'm not going to gain anything and return anything. I have managed to survive every hardship just with a hope that at least they will make a good career and lead a good life unlike my parents had struggle. But some dreams are meant to be broken when it is attached to someone of your own and they are too selfish to see anything beyond their devastating dreams to destroying himself and rest of us.

Everyone come across the age of teenager. Everyone falls in love. Everyone gone crazy at a phase when someone you love thrown you mercilessly out of their life. But that was never the end and an excuse that you hurt the one who had not lived just thinking that you will live their dreams. One turning back years later and seeking for forgiveness to the one whom you have broken into pieces are not the only solution. Who has not been cheated in life and has not faced the hardship but that doesn't mean that you destroy everything around you. You cheat yourself and your own people. I wonder if turning back the clock of life would be so easy. I wonder I would have lived my own life and never worry about others and I wish I was a selfish and insensible too. May be that would have made them a good human. Giving them everything I had and leaving to live my own life and sharing everything I got was the mistake.

I would accept that the sky is never been blue. It is just an illusion. There is nothing like good people and sibling relations. They are just illusion which bound you for no good reason. Every relations end the moment one forgets to respect the other and one start mocking at others dream and hope. Everything must be easy for today’s kid to throw their tantrums to others and blame others. I'm not sad but rather surprised with the fact the how could someone of my own could be so insensible. How can one still think that they still owe something to me when they destroy every dream of mine? How can they expect that I would stand by their side when cut off every existing bond among us? I wish I can rewind the gone ages, I wish I could be selfish and insensible just like them.  I'm tired of this whole game of relations. I want to walk free without a bond, affection and love. At times it’s better to be a monster among the humans than to be a human among so many monsters.

Broken into pieces !!

You don't need an enemy to really destroy your dreams and broke you into pieces! It's your own siblings, your own relatives and the one you loved more than yourself who would break you into pieces. I'm not exception to this rule. I thought I could build a family where everyone will love each other and respect one's sacrifice and emotions. It is even sometime ashamed of what you see in your own siblings. I always dreamt that I will give them everything I could not get it in my time. Sending them to good school, best coaching centre and good life which I could not afford during my school time due to financial constraints. But I think I lived for so long in illusion. I tried to gather every broken pieces many a times and given them so many chances so that they realised the value of what I have been supporting to them till now. I want my parents to feel proud of each one of us and make them live a peaceful life. 

When my youngest brother scored more than 80% in tenth exam, I was on top of the world. More than my exams, my life, I gave everything to give him the best education. I spent all my earning to them just to see them as an independent person because I know how it is to be someone who have nothing in their life other than empty vessels. I know how does it feel to be hungry and having no money to buy your own food. But with such a shame I have to accept my own failure on every kind of sacrifices, effort and emotions I have invested on them so far. I always feel that they are my life and their success will be just like my own. But My brothers seems to lost their own humanity and I lost my faith on them after breaking me, my parents expectation in pieces. I remember submitting half of my salary every three months in the coaching centre just to provide him the best coaching in Delhi and best school. Now they turn the table and show us the way that it's their life to waste it and make it without even realising how much pain we have suffered for so many ears. It was never been easy financially and mentally to bring up two teenage brothers in Delhi. It need lots of sacrifices , not only my money but my personal life, career, ambitions and many more. What is a human when you forgot to respect the emotions of your own parents and sister. And it is totally ridiculous that at the end of the day they blame their own parents and siblings for their bad temper and scoldings when they broke them into pieces. I can't recall any longer my parents enjoying a movie in a cinema hall, going to theatre and shopping for fun. They sacrifice everything they earn to live just to facilitate them the best education in Delhi and what they return to them is broken dreams and shame in front of everyone. If today's kids are going to behave in this way, it is even better no one should have their own kid. Better they fed those hungry one in the roads and provide education to those who want to live their dreams. 

Today I felt that I failed everything in life after so much of struggle, sacrifices and effort to see their dream to come true. Rather I would have been selfish, enjoy my life watching every weekend movie, buy the clothes from Zara and even throw my salary in a dustbin instead of spending on their education. At least I would have felt better thinking that I didn't do anything for them so they have become like this. What a waste of emotions and years I have invested on them. More than myself, I feel bad for my parents and I feel sorry for them that they sacrificed so much for them. Better they would have enjoyed their life and let them live in footpath, the way they deserved to be. Today I lost all my faith on them, I don't know I could restore that again to them. I don't mind breaking my own expectation and dreams but I can't forgive them for playing to my parents emotions. They have no rights to make them feel guilty of having them as their son. 

I have no grudge to them but only my pity that I could not respect their parent's emotions and they feel that it is so easy to play with them.

Beyond the borders !!!

Seems like my life is also too much inspired by yash raj movies! Miracles happen I do agree but it is very difficult to hold on to that miracle and still be yours. Believing in what dream is courageous but when it comes to the dream of living with a man you loved beyond the borders, caste, creed and everything then it never become so easy. To be a desi bride itself is something I never wanted in my life, being married and compromising to whatever you believe, dream, live against your principles would be rather like killing half of the life I have lived. Everything is so complicated and never ending procedure and people lacks the simple understanding of being a human and respecting to that emotions. Specially when it comes to the emotions of a woman and their family, why we feel that they are always vulnerable? Everyone has their own daughters but when it comes to daughter's of someone why can't they give the same love and respect they have for their daughter? Isn't the basic common sense of a parent? Why are our elders are so mean and selfish that they could never let their own kids to choose the person they want to spend their life and take the liability on their head. What will happen in future who can predict? In such a short life we live, does it even worth to hurt and insult someone and disrespect one's love and decision, let it be their son or daughter? At times I got very agitated why have to claim whatever they did for their kids in terms of finding their own bride or groom. If the relation of a man and woman is something sacred and special why do not let the person decide on what he feels for the one who will live with him or her. It is astonishing that after years of civilization we still think that it is alright to decide on whom you should marry and sleep for whole life and enforcing one of the dearest son/daughter with a stranger whom they find on the basis of money, caste, colour, creed etc.

Life should not be lived beyond the boundaries of basic humanity. It does not lost anything to the one who has been hurt and insulted, rather it only reflected the nature of the person. I always believe in living with honesty and brutal truths of life. Whether it hurts me many a times or not it hardly matters. Those who thinks they can hurt and look down other person never raise from their own place. I still believe in miracles and its nothing more than the honesty you have earned for so long!

Politics of love and celebration !

Falling in love is the purest form of human emotions. It costs nothing, it asks no value, no religion, no caste. But reality something very different and the freedom to fall in love, to choose a life with the one you love is the costliest thing we face in the real India today. Sometime you are a Manipuri and he is a non-Manipuri, sometimes he is a Hindu, she is a Muslim, sometime it is even more difficult when there is a ban against those who believe in celebration of love. I don't believe in Valentine's day, walking with a rose, holding hands in public, and so on. But if people believe in the celebration of love in a particular day then what is the problem? Simply, valentine's day signify the celebration of love, and there is nothing wrong in those who wants to enjoy the day. The recent threat of an organisation of goons threatening those who celebrates Valentine's day was a threat to each one of us who has a feeling, who celebrates the love. The songs of love, poetry of love, one's courage to accept the human emotions is the biggest challenge we should show now. 

Unlike the old times, politics is always important to us. Today, we live in a very sad era where in a democracy, people won the vote by polarization in the name of religion, people who are working in the corporate feels that they should choose an illiterate to run a stable government, the CEO prays to a tyrant God to sends threat to those against who voice against him. Even our freedom to walk free in whatever cloths we choose, freedom to fall in love is threaten today. To everyone who dreams of a false dream of a stable government and good governance, where these ideology of good things will be applied when the country is broken down into pieces. The whole world will lough at us if we ever complaint of human rights violation. We don not even have right to fall in love, celebrate it and live a life of our own. 

May this Valentine's day be specific, let it be a day marked to challenge who threat each one of us from accepting what we feel, its a question of our basic freedom than anything else!

We must remember that if we don't resist someday we will become the jews in the hands of Hitler! Let it be our songs, poetry, our story or our love, lets protest against the tyrants. 

 

The myth of "happily ever after..." !

Many of my friends or lets say so many common man and woman tends to dream for a life of "happily ever after..."! They don't breath completely, they smile charging million dollars, they don't walk out from that myth of living in a time which they would never know whether they will be alive or dead! The myth of living happily ever after is a idea of fooling oneself and at times cheating on own life. Who can be happy in a future time when one can not smile, enjoy and dance in a time when you can eat what you want, you can dance without breaking your bones and muscles, you can roam the world without anyone to stop you. Even if someone comes and stops, we live in an age, era and an attitude that gives a damn to anyone comes between "me & my dreams".

Struggling for life to achieve what you dream, blinding the world to paint what you see and ignoring those noises which will fade away with time is part of life. But why one should stop thinking of living life today, cheat today's dream and prepare for a far future where you don't know where you can be put up?

Best part of my life was living like a child, dream like a little kids without bothering who will think what and what will happen tomorrow. This does not mean I'm not serious about my career, my life, my money etc. Everything will come along with life but I never want to compromise my life just for a myth of "happily ever after..". Many people plan so many horrible distant dreams of living happily while they sacrifice everything they could enjoy today. They become rather frustrated, intolerant and every single smile they saw on others burnt their heart. At times I feel sorry and want to come in their rescue but it is very difficult to make them live today's life, rather they try to consume and eat your brain.

Why everything fails today and how come everything will be so great in future? Nothing is wrong in today and so as in future too. I wonder at times why so much of insecurity and fear in this short span of life we live? One run away from promises just fear of breaking it, one cheats the one who loves them just fear of social ostracization, one never believes in love because they fear a heartbreak. So many questions in life but they are for making our life challenging and beautiful but not for binding us and threatening our survival. There were many dreams of mine shattered like the broken glasses despite my best efforts, there were many whom I love and trusted but left with tears and feeling of hatred. But I never stop walking away and dreaming a new life beyond the shadows of yesterday. Who wants to live a life of yesterday and an outdated dream of the one who could never learn a lesson in love and trust. Life was miserable at times, life could be miserable in any moment but they are not meant to stop living and dreaming. That's what I learnt from this little life I have lived. There were many who came and gone graciously without an expectation and not even without a dream of togetherness but we still live with the memories of smile and laughter. Nothing is costly in life even though we live in such a materialistic world. Trust can be earned and people can be loved without a cost. It just need a heart and a mind to accept a people without any judgement.

Life has been always great to me and my friends are my oxygen to survive. We spend nine hours of a day in a close and suffocating tall buildings of imperialism. I adore each one of them for whatever they are and all of them are courageous, alive and we never negotiate for a laughter, help and for our time. What else we need in life more than this? My life is always happy and happening not because I'm able to achieve what I want and dream, but just for the reason that I don't want to be unhappy for a longer time. Even in those darkest day of our lives, we share our moments of pain amidst those droplets of tears falling helplessly. We never try to wipe each other's tears, we just cry together. What else I will ask more from this life when I have so many of them to cry together and to laugh together till the last breath of our lives.

Lastly and very importantly, many people forgets that marriage is not the end of the world, being single does not imply one is alone and needs sympathy. Sympathy are required by those who lives a lonely life even when they are sleeping with their so called wife/husband. There are many ways one can live happily, the crowd has learnt only one of them, and we have learnt many of them. Even among the corporate elites, there are women and men descended from the era of Raja Harishchandra. Whenever a new girl join, first news which will be circulated is about her age, unmarried or what she is. We talk so much about gender equality, sensitivity and so on but some people goes back to the era where they belong.

Well, life never stops just because others does not want you to live and happy. Whenever I feel unhappy I remember I'm just going to make other people happy. So that's how the life goes on. It is wrong to say that there are no good people. There are lots of good people. I have uncountable numbers of them. And there is no end to a dream of finding the one whom you love and the one who love you with the heart and soul. There will always come a time, it is just a matter of time and above all it is just a matter of having faith and courage to love a person beyond those stigma, fear and lost. Life is always beautiful and it is just about different seasons and we must know what mood we should be in to paint our own dreams in every season the life brings to us. Life could never be alone and out of love when we have so many reasons to be in love million more times...

Life under the shadows !!

We do not need creative writing, fiction and thrillers but stories which narrate to the coming generation so that they can connect to the past and now what they are. Acute caste system, mistrust, suppression, racial attack and divided India is a symptom of lack of a good narrator and history. One would wonder why 90 % of the mainland India opposed to the removing of AFSPA, the draconian act inherited from the colonial rule of British. The very act initiated the British 200 years ago to suppress the movement of Indian revolution against them and we still have preventive detention act, which allows person to be detained on suspicion for any number of days on the ground colluded between the police and the judicial system. While talking to a friend he just unintentionally told me that Manipur has got a High court, another milestone for your state. I'm always sarcastic when it comes to such favoritism attitude of people towards North East. I said yes, that's a great achievement and it is written with blood in bold letter in our heart that judicial system is finally have a role in state after 67 years of Indian Independence. So does that also imply that India govt, whoever is the party, never thought that we need judicial system, law, equality and basic needs of live. So out of the blue everyone is showing so much of interest in the north east and kashmir, out of the fear of the invasion by the powerful and nuclear weapon enabled neighboring countries, not because the people of the states need the basic rights to be citizen of this country and the basic facility to live in this era. Memory is the only proof of our vulnerable life as a north east in the globalized and soon becoming super power India. Still remember the our group of girls all from Miranda House lining up in the railway station three months before going home. And another horrible journey in the sleeper class of North -East Express and the Brahmaputra mail. The train when it reached to the Bihar and UP takes a different look. One will come with five children and took over our seat and it is a fight we must win till we reach Guwahati for another two days. It never ends our painful journey, we have our neighbouring warrior brothers blocking the only national highway which take us to home all the time and extorting. Sometime, bus conductor used to say hide your valuables we are crossing that jungle, that pass and so on. Remember one such incident that we have having dinner in Khannapada in Assam and bus conductor asked everyone to wind up and board the bus so that we can rush back soon to cross the particular place before midnight and they heard the bus which was gone last night was looted by the militants. We all the girls were sitting in three four rows asked each other how much money you have and we advice each other don't restraint to anyone ask our money, watch and valuables. Such fear and prayers we used to travel home. Those were the time I used to believe in a non-existant God and ask him to make us travel safely till home.

Years had gone by. It is almost 14 years in Delhi now. Memories have faded but still somewhere those painful moments linger on us. But everything remain the same for us. Still so many college goers from Manipur lived with the same painful moments of travelling from Delhi to Imphal. It's our patience, poverty and lack of unity  among us, keeping the India Govt at the happy feet without even acknowledging that we are part of this country. What wonders me is when I heard one of my colleague told me I heard North East people wants to be part of China. When I asked who told you that, she said her husband told her and he is the defense force. And I do not wonder now why the armed forces almost acted on its on people as an enemy and always look at us with suspicion. Life was never easy when you are born in a family with huge population and no one is earning and the house looks just crowded. My memory of home is just crowded and noisy with so many aunties around without a privacy to solitude. Struggling out to come out of that misery of poverty struck family never been easy. Cycling to school with the boys for 20 km every day and again trying to cop up with the heavy books in the midnight. But life was never sad and unhappy for me till today. What I always seek was a good friend and honesty which lighten my journey till today. No doubt, I'm always poured with care and love in every stage of my life. Let it be in school, college, PG and my law college. Sometimes. I used to get jealous of those who are born up in a rich family and their parents used to drop them in the school, tuition but now I felt that it would have made me just a puppet for my parents and without having a scope of using my own brain. Here comes the big difference, especially when some dull literates comment on my Facebook status. So when you are criticizing a particular act of the govt and policy or law then soon you are an anti-Indian. Most of them are worked with me earlier and they are scientist and doctor but their brain is nothing less than that of a donkey following his mater's order. After walking miles, after studying so much if you stood as Modi supporter, Rahul supporter, Didi supporter than you are not less than a donkey. We are still doing the politics of favoritism. I can never support any govt which let us sleep in the roadside tent once when we were a kid. Let them buy nuclear weapon, become the super power, who cares? We have our memory which still remember those horrible days of army rules. Every night after the dinner, we, both sisters follow our grand mother to sleep in the roadside tent in our locality. Every night elders of the locality both men and women would guard the locality as it was fear that combing operation may happen any time. We used to hear the horrors of girls being raped in the operation and boys being picked up from home, never to return again. Gone are the days but we still live with those memories. Whenever I go home, I thought I have lost everything about this home, except those memories of hardship and horrors.  That's how I love and remember my home. Our home looks so beautiful, dear and full of love in comparison to this bullet free developed corporate world. I used to get so much of love, lived so freely, sleep so peacefully without a fear of dyeing among the gun fights and bomb blast. But here every day is a struggle, a war against inhumanity and racial war among each other. I don't know which one is worst but I prefer sleeping in my own bed underneath the bullets than to live with such a dishonesty, mistrust and inhuman society. 

Woman and caste !!

It seems like caste and woman are inseparable from the time immemorial!

The two are subject of discussion and controversies and suppressed categories in our society. Let it be anywhere. There is nothing new to discuss about the caste system and the extreme way mistreating woman in Northern India, set examples are dowry killing, forceful marriage and all time high percentage of domestic violence. While criticising and looking at the culture of other community, would not be a high time to discuss and count the number unfortunate incidents of domestic violence, socially ostracizing a woman for meeting a man in the dark restaurant, for the MMS scandal, man out rightly putting his wife name in the newspaper as "Missing Wife". 

Rape of minor, killing of woman by unidentified person and no one claiming a hand for such killing and police, booming market of social organisations and  everyone blaming the woman for the killing and finally trading the woman who are killed as immoral. So, immorality become a reasonable ground for terminating the life of a woman in the present Manipur. Where is the rock music loving, western influence society heading to? This is something to introspect before we lost ourselves in a racial war with the people who could never understand us. Main and biggest hypocrite being the people behind the printing press who are working beyond the reasonable man in order to entertain the psychologically ill bulk of man and woman in our society. So newspaper is truly a piece of entertainment at the cost of dignity of a woman. You could find people in the bus, roadside, in the local hotel, reading loudly with a sarcastic smile of the news heading titled "Missing of my wife " "My wife eloped with a younger man" etc. There is no law and authority who would cross check such a shameless crime of husbands defaming a wife and newspapers owe no morale responsibility as they get money and more subscribers for publishing such news. 

Coming back to another topic is the furious and ultimate reaction of patriots of Manipur when they saw a woman from Manipur marrying a man from Mainland India, perhaps dating per se. The kind of the language and abuses each of them used in the social networking site is truly scary. Few months back, someone just tag me in a photo where few girls are drinking beer in a personal party and may be they have uploaded the photo  in their FB, and the gonna be saviors of Manipur culture upload them in a group and called them with every name they could. The most fearful site I have ever encountered was some group in the Orkut saying "killed those Meitei woman who marry a Mayang (non-manipuri)". That was a shame and totally showing to the world or the people in other part of India that the concept of liberal culture, a society where woman are treated equally with man etc, is just a myth and I must say that it's still a myth. 

I would not say every Meitei man do ostracize and talk bad things about woman. There are man and woman who understands that every choice made is a personal and one should not interfere it  but what surprise me as well scare me is the part of anger, disheartening and revenging attitude of man of my own society towards the woman. It wonders me whenever they celebrate December 12-Nupilan Day and asked the woman to come wearing the traditional dress when the man do come comfortably in any dress they wishes. So, if we declare to the world that in our society, woman are the decision maker, they are the pioneers and it's the woman force which is protecting this trouble state of ours then why do the man in the society feel that they should police, advice and order woman for the dress, make-up and the man they should marry or date. We just make noise to the outsiders within and outside India that we have the woman market, we have meira-paibi association, we have nupilan memorials, woman top every competitive exams and it's woman who runs the home financially and morally then where is the man standing to do that job of policing? Our much hype convent school breeds who are proud of their exceptionally stylish English and rock music still feel uncomfortable to talk about woman, their fundamental and property rights and their problems. They simply ignore and become deaf and blind when it comes to the issues related to woman. They all have very traditionally inherited what their descendants used to say 'nupi naha gi wari se kya heinade". 

Everyone is an activist and celebrity in the age of social networking. One writes about politics, Modi, RaGa, Kejriwal, development, insurgency but no one is interested to talk and discuss about the very woman who they endorse to the world as an alternative form of their culture, in short the synonyms of woman is culture and again the synonyms of culture is our dress. Every day there is death of a woman, domestic violence, rape but everyone accepts it being a part of the "soon becoming " globalized Manipur? So,  basically, the most favorite topic about woman would be when there is a controversy run around them and everyone gets a chance to hurl abuses about the girl or woman in the social networking site. In addition to this there is Romi Meitei and Co, who are defining and redefining the moral, honest woman and the immoral, fallen and different type of woman in their movies. Why is no one defining the immorality of a man, it meant to say that our society also accepts the same theory said by Mulayam Singh Yadav, "boys are boys, they make mistake and why should hang them for rape". They may be making lots of money and enjoying the whole process of representing woman as pathetic, pitiable and irresponsible but this will cost hugely to the coming generation where every growing up boys will start treating woman as their property and object they can use and throw anytime. Every growing up girl will feel insecure, pitiable and pathetic about themselves.

After a long time, I went home, surrounded by little cousins who are not as fortunate as I'm to study in good school and colleges. They suggest I should watch a movie with them. I agreed and sit down to watch series of Manipur movie, in one movie, the girl from a poor family brought up by a widow eloped with a handsome rich family boy. The boy's family insulted them and the girl suicide, reason being she was left nothing to live with dignity. She is the fallen one, the mother followed and suicide. I just sip my coffee and said yuck, who is the bastard making this movie?? I started enjoying the weather and the torture of Manipur movie, I shift to another movie, an older man forcefully kidnap a beautiful young woman and his parents advice that you are a woman and your dignity will be over if you deny this  marriage, so here no IPC, no criminal law applied. There is traditionally acceptable culture of eloping but it should be between the consensual but our film makers still endorse the idea that woman lost their dignity even if it was a forceful eloping or kidnapping, so they should get married to the kidnapper. You have to marry the man who forcefully kidnapped you instead of filing a case as per the law so this is like how Eistein law of gravity failed in Rajnikant's movie, similar situation is with the Manipuri movie. In the serious note, it tremendously affects the growing girls, kills their confidence to be themselves and make them feel that they are living the most vulnerable, pitiable and meaningless life. 

I always believe that education will change the people and their thinking. But current generation of rock music, fashion lover and Korean style infected generation is redundant, retarded and sometime incurable.They simply become educated illiterates and their skill of language and the social networking is rather leading to a more chaotic society. So simply it becomes like technology being fed to the worms. 

We are yet to pass few more decades of miserable stereotyping of woman and caste. Just like the two sides of the coin, from one decade to another decade it just pass on like a tradition. 

Interview by finding the voices (Monica Ingudam)

So finally the interview is released in you tube by Finding the Voices. Many thanks to Monica Ingudam, the sole owner, cameraman, direction and everything behind the success of finding the voices. I would like to quote what she said to me once in an informal conversation over the phone : Manipur is known to the people for its sports and beautiful culture but at the same time, the shadow of conflict situation, insignificant killings and so many unfortunate happenings taken its place in the mind of the people slowly. So, I just want to make a little contribution by finding those beautiful things happening around us, helping the new talents in every field to occupy those spaces and showing to the world the beautiful side of Manipur.

Here is the link of the interview 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qvcoy99ng2M#t=124

Redefining Love ??

I hope I'm doing lot of redefining of some of the very important words and terms in everyday life. That's necessary, clauses are to be inserted and deleted with the change in the time, mood and meaning. I don't believe in public display of affection, let it be love for my parents, family or my lover.

I'm someone who was/is always madly in love. I never see love as a credit card just as today's world treat it. If I need something to gain and buy something out of love then I would no longer make it a part of my life, so I have to rewrite it's meaning. I think the world has almost become a bullshit and everyone is like a walking and talking calculator. No one looks human to me except  my few friends who selflessly fall in love without a calculation of profit and gain, probability of marriage and making babies. If love is all about somebody affording to buy all the expensive gift to you then I would rather marry an ATM, why would I marry a man? If falling in love, being crazy with the moments, where we almost forget there exist a world beyond you and I, is all about promising to each other for a future date for getting married and making our own baby then why would not I choose to be a cow whose whole purpose is to give milk and baby. Sometime I feel so pity and sympathize those who abandon the moments of love, craziness and those inevitable moments in life just because what the world will say and fearing of a day when one has to live without the one you love. Love is never meant to be together, love is meant to be felt and live at the present moment.

How does it matter if we are living together even for another century while building a wall between us even in the bedroom and with a fear of massive divorce and paying of a huge alimony? Everyone knows there are such relations and in fact there are only such relation in the present days. I don't want to live with a man just because once upon a time we decided to keep the promise of society and our family obligations. I would rather be happy, a man going away from my life and leaving with the memories of love and moments of truth. Only one thing I'm fear of,  is for a day, I will not be able to fall in love. Those magical feeling of waiting for your love, waking up whole night thinking about him, smiling alone remembering those memories of school and nothing has been wasted in life in living and reliving with those moments. Some people even scare to accept what they feel, they are always in the denial even if they are in love. I wonder why they do so and what made them think that the world will someday fall on them if one fine day they accept their feelings. This is something as important and as easy as breathing. I even learn to love the lie of my own lover. Sometime I thought why I'm still being in love with him when it seems no such feelings are shared from his side? I thought his efforts to make me smile, giving me time, even saying those three words and even trying that I should feel what he can't feel, is part of love only. Every effort of him though it looks questionable sometime about his feelings, about his intentions and his possible betrayal, it just become a part of love. With the hope someday when he will leave me, he will walk away with a memory of these precious moments where he tries to be in love with me though he was not actually, I hope that's the way he loves me, a different kind. Expectation spoils everything, it returns nothing except a heart break and waste every memory and turn it to bitter.

Everyone gives me long lecture why would you associate with a man who hardly seems to have a future, but I have my own reason. God forbidden, if one fine day I have to wake up to a future with a man, for him, I don't feel anything but we are together just because the world wants me to make his baby.That looks like I'm participating in a population race, so political and communal, nothing about love and feelings. I'm being very weird but this is what actually the world goes around. If anyone wants to know the truth of such people living with the pain of togetherness then list is going to be so long. Though on the contrary list of people celebrating  the pain, sorrow and joy of being in love is minimal. What all we see today in the social network is the biggest lie of a life specially for those who are happily married in Facebook. It's the social sanction, approval, declaration, acceptance and reaffirmation of a lie which people are seeking from social network. Sometime when I do have my routine conversation with my friends we used to have good laugh talking of such people who would show to the world that they are die hard lover but we still know they don't even want to see each other's face in their bedroom. My problem is running from living a such life where one has to cage to live a pretentious life.

There should be only one reason for being with a person, that's love, it may last for a moment, months, years or just forever. I can never deny every single moment I have lived just because it will not be written and recorded in a stamp paper. I would be crazy if I now deny that I wasn't in love with someone just because he will tie the knot with someone else, just because we never dated, just because we never chat over the phone for hours, just because we have not said those magical words. Then what name I should give to those moments of laughter we shared, those affection, admiration, smiles and memories which become part of our life every now and then.

I don't see a reason to stop falling in love just because someday one will leave you, you will be devastated, in that matter one also die and bodies are burnt to ashes so the love really ends there? If one ties so hard with morality of being in a society, seeking approval and living with an obligation of making baby then one can never be in love, one will remain coward and whole life they can only end up celebrating valentine's day, happy anniversary, happy love day, happy hate day, happy so and so day! 

The man in the uniform!

Whole my life I always hated the man in uniform. May be it was the memory and the experience which has been deeply painted in my mind since childhood. When I was a kid mom used to ask to rush back home and live inside the home whenever the military colour huge vehicles stop by our village. Then while growing up, my school bag would be searched every early morning by the patrolling army and they would asked us every morning where are we heading to in their broken Manipuri ascent. In the cold and bitching winter we have to answer with a heavy breath and holding our sweating forehead that we are going for tuition in our school, to a place 11 km away from my home. Sometime they intentionally made us scared while asking questions like in what party we belong to and helplessly & hopelessly we would stand like an accused ready to take any punishment they would give us.

Every morning mom and dad would drop me till the road where my friends used to wait for me to start for our cycle journey till school. Whenever I go home and the voices of honking buses at 3 am would suddenly awake my fear and anxiety of living in those time. I woke up with a haunted fear of losing myself every morning where I had to face the patrolling armies at 4 am and answer their questions. I would always stand with teary eyes beside my friend Santosh who would be standing in a long line of men pulled out from the local bus every morning for body search. After so many years and almost a decade of living in Delhi, after learning the meaning of democracy, learning the law of this land and knowing how much injustice has been done to us as a human and citizen of this country, I can never forgive the state, every silent men and women of this country which colonized not our home but our soul every now and then. Their grief, their malice would surely give a smile to me and those who lost their lives to their silence. What made me broke down and cry every time I visit home is not the sounds of gunshots and bloodshed of state and non state armed groups but how we have become immune to the unnatural death of so many people who lived among us. The very unnatural trait of this phenomenon has been made so natural in our day to day life. It's just part of our life, everyone said.

I could recall the day I was coming back from school with Santosh and Issac and they have been isolated and carried away in a corner to question. I had to stand nearby our cycle holding their bags and praying from inside please God don't let anything happen to my friends. At the same time, I dream many horrible things about myself. What would happen to me, will they kill me too after they killed my friends and apart from that many horrible things even horrible than death which could happen to a girl. Sometime we started living with so much of suspicion among each other. While cycling 3-4 of us together in that tiny road I would be doubting on my own friends in school uniform and asking myself what if anyone of them have been found out as related to some banned organisation and what if we all have been caught. Every morning and night the only haunting dream of my parents were to see me coming back home safely. I never assumed whole my life those men in uniform are human, have a soul, have a body which can been killed, filled with veins carrying the same red colour fluid like in my body. I saw them as bunch of machine gun walking tall and I thought they are sent from another planet everywhere, jumping like the scary animals in some jungles with their thorny hats till the time I listen to the human behind that uniform.

The space I have always avoided whole my life was being interacted with man in uniform. I even avoid my friends husband or boyfriend who joined the institution of uniform and defense. I always hated that it's a place where human machine are manufactured, human robots are preserved. I makes me more annoyed was stupid foolish women going gaga over the man in uniform rather knowing the politics of this institution and uniform. One of my colleague said girls go crazy with man in uniform and  I won't be surprised if my fiancee said one day that he slept with a woman. You know girls are crazy about them. I just said hmm and said it depends, first we have to check whether they are really human. Then she got what I mean to say and never start that topic in the lunch table. I literally hate this kind of corporate women without a brain except they know is how to use computer and of course whatsapp or whatsass!!

But life gets you different lesson. It was the episode of Dhantewalla in 2010 which shocked me seeing 76 dead bodies of CRPF people lining up on the road, most of them belonging to the remote villages of UP and for the first time I shed some tears for those man in uniform while seeing their family crying in the tv news, their mud house, their old parents and half naked kids. That was the time I started knowing the double facets of victim-hood. Now also I do not want to believe that they join the force because they aggressively love their country and they know what is the meaning of nationalism. I was not crying for that made-to-believe machine in the uniform but of the man behind that uniform made up of blood and flesh and who has been killed as pawn in the war for nothingness but for the benefits of corporate and politicians. Let it be state or non-state armed people both the category belong to poorest of the poor group or middle class family who either fight for an empty stomach which has been kicked mercilessly or a family who eats basic non-nutritional food but dream of a comfortable life of a live-able home, a car, a family, a happy wife with a pride. Both the group do not belong to the dynasty of Gandhi, kings or whatever. I will not go to the question of nationalism and love of this country. Till now that's not even in my illusion, I can't understand whole my life and I hate aggressive campaign of nationalism by the upper caste people in this country and I do not believe in the existence of their nation excluding the poor, north east, kashmir, tribals, dalits, beggars and women at large and without those who die without knowing a life they have been gifted with this life.

Then here I met some snobbish type of girls in an institution and told me I really like that army guy. He is too smart and dress so well. That's the first time I got so offended about what someone I like. I was like no way what the hell I was doing from last one year. I need to get over and run away from what I'm thinking and shared what I felt to my close friend saying I'm so shattered. But it was after giving some thoughts I initiated to have a conversation with that man in the uniform. What makes me more vulnerable was knowing the very human, filled with blood and flesh, insecurity and loved of his own life and unlimited dream like anyone of us. May be knowing him helps me to break every piece of my hatred and instead I'm more able to understand and blamed the politics, institution and rules set against their willingness.

But I'm still left with the illusion that whether those girls who were going gaga over him was really ready to feel that human behind that uniform, feel the pain of that man in uniform whenever he leaves for his operation in a dense jungle when he know that he is fighting for an unknown enemy created out of nothingness and at the same time he can not do anything against the institution, system and the rules of military law. I do not know really how love, affection and attraction has been defined by the women of this era, by their computerized brain and whatsapp addicted heart??

 As far as I know them I don't think any of them seems to reads politics of Maoist, Army, CRPF, Dams, minerals-mines, patents, corporate, border and the very man in uniform who they have been going gaga. I could not even see the anxiety in the eyes of that woman to understand the fear in his eyes of his life, dream and a willingness to be like anyone of us to live a safe life. What made me really annoyed and irritated was what they saw in him. A brave machine with six peck, high-tech mobiles, his personalized vehicle waiting outside the institution to escort him, his short and smart hair cut, his biceps and his cleanly ironed dress, but in all the above description, there have not mentioned anything related to his being a human, that willingness to be loved, cared, blood, flesh, insecurity, pain, fear and dream! Or may be they are just wanting a prospective body they can perfectly advertised to the world. What the world believes, the brave soldier!! But what I know was different, he is just fragile, insecure, love his life, dream like us, feel the pain just like anyone of us, has the tear-ducts and it is not the politics of his uniform all I know but the human behind that uniform and only thing I hated were what all those women like to own and love, apart from his soul, all I hated was that uniform which made him look like undead and immortal to those girls!!!

Malice of a lover!!

I thought I have learned enough to live this life with full recipe of how to protect my own emotions and to be happy all the time. But there is nothing like you will be happy all the time. In fact  that sounds to boring and deadly for me. Some moments of pain, shattered and making you feel you almost lose yourself is something push you ahead in life. Also I rather learn how to understand the deepest meaning of love and who could be the one for whom I should even give myself only when I feel so much of pain because of a malice of a lover and a friends. No one truly wants your sparkling smiles, let it be your lover, let it be your friend howsoever close he or she is. And truly it's a human psychology. What I love most about this life is that something is always changing and moving ahead every now and then.Nothing is permanent and everything is so exciting. It does not give the feelings of wearing the same old clothe and same old honey money talks. I'm someone who brutally loves to be honest and who brutally hurts everyone around me including my own parents saying what don't want them to be interfered in my own life. So this rule applies to everyone. I guess, sometime I hurt people with such a straightforward approach but I always believe they later on learn to understand what I want from my life and what line I want to draw between us.

This birthday was a very special one especially because I was free on my own birthday and not having any exam. This is the only birthday where I was living with very special emotions of being in love with the one I have dream of for a year, having that keys in my hand of my own flat and being so positive for the first time. Everything looks so beautiful for a while and I know something sooner or later will come to test me again whether I really stood by where I'm now. A bigger challenge and a bigger change in my emotions. And of course it happened. Even before I'm not able to sink into the emotions of falling in love with a guy I dream of, he suddenly has to break the bad news and of course good news for himself. What not I have done for a whole night. Spent a cocktail night with friend, talked to every good friend, every pathetic person on the earth to know what I'm thinking and what is in my mind. That's very funny part of me. Because when I choose to take decision unlike any other person, pursue a life of my own believing on the set rule of my own, why the hell I had gone to that extend to listen to the pathetic suggestions of those who can't even take a stand on their own and living a life which I can not dream of myself. I would be lying if I say I never feel lonely, I never wanted to be with the man of my dream but that does not again mean that I should keep all the time in a vulnerable position that anyone can come and hurt me.

There is nothing good or bad about this life. Except thing we could do is doing what makes us feel good. I was suffocated from a day when he almost compare with a fruit that he no longer wants to eat and I was feeling terrible of my own position and saying to myself Oh God he took me in that way!!! Sometime it's is terrible and pathetic to feel terrible about yourself but one should always cross check instead of pulling down oneself whether it is worth or not to own such comparison and such position one has put you in his life. I know love is terrible and difficult but I'm more fond of love's unconditional stand and honesty. May be I'm losing that thing to so soon or may be I'm right now standing on a terrible shoes and may be I just need to get rid of it. So I just spoke to my college friends and just asked them to catch up with me in the one of the most peaceful place-among the books and spent the wonderful time with ginger tea and lots of sandwich. Before paying the bill I just said, hey I'm beginning a new episode of my life and I have learnt a new lesson in life today so let it be called as a break-up party and let me pay the bill. What love about my friend was that so many of them are frantically calling me, engaging me and asking me where I'm and what I'm doing all the time. Everyone of them just hate to see a serious, moody and non-smiling face of mine and making every possible effort to restore every piece of smile on my face. Sometime I can't imagine a life without all of them. Missed terribly Shreema who would listen patiently every piece of my narration and absorb to herself just to make me feel lighter. Suddenly she has to leave for Philippines and we are not in touch somehow when I spend the difficult one day of this year. Linda already made the cocktail plan in the midnight, Rohit keep on calling just to make sure that I'm alright even though he was busy with his exam, Neha and Akriti were tapping me every now and then just to let out everything in my mind, Lanleima is making call and messaging me every now and then even compromising her court time. Not to forget Vijay skipping his lunch time and talking to me almost an hour and Prabha reminding me I'm not what I'm feeling now and it will be just momentary.
 I don't know to whom I should thank of this life and for so many friends who would do anything to bring the smiles on my face. Once I changed to a new dress which my friends gave me as a birthday gift and I always kept to wear when he will be here in Delhi, I suddenly change everything in my mind. I adore myself with the best thing I had today. The new make up kits, the new dress, the new shoes. And I said I did not buy this to make others pleasant but to make myself feel good and look good. Once I step out from home and catch up with my friends in the small corner of the Oxford library with so many interesting books and discussing about my all time favorite politics, Arundhati Roy, insurgency, Maoist, CRPF and north-east, Kashmir, corporate I truely feel powerful and all that pathetic and pitiful feeling seems to have drained away at bay. I thought the library was almost filled with our debate, laughter and full of positive energy. Moreover no one was judging on other though we all have different opinion about our life, politics and parties. I thought how terrible humans are, we never acknowledge the love and affection of so many people around us but we literally run after the one who would bring the pain and malice in your life. With a smile I cam e back home and I know I'm writing all the bullshits out here in my blog but this is really making me feel awesome.

Above all this night I'm again falling in love with the person I'm, again I'm that person who sets her own rule, always believe in smiling even in pathetic situation in life, disbelieve in anti ageing cream for looking alive and kicking and finally I regain I idea of falling in love again even after I thought he will took away everything I had and left me without a hope.

I know I choose the most difficult path in my life to follow my heart unlike other, without even a spot of doubt then I should no longer fear the malice, pain, sadness and moments of breaking down into pieces when it comes to falling in love with the one dream of, though I just have to be careful of the proviso that, unless the person don't have enough respect and can't maintain the dignity of my own stand, rather started thinking that I'm just an easy piece to get rid of, I should be just leaving at that moment only. There is no time in life to own one's opinion in my life.What one holds as his/her opinion about me is the reflection of the socialization they have been brought up. I'm no one to correct them and make them a better person. The one who does not deserve a space should never be wasted with a space in your life or even in your room.

The Goddess who fall in love!!

The recent news of Irom Sharmila claiming everyone around her who has been her backbone for so many years becoming a threat to her life was one of the most saddening news. The reason behind such development was pathetic, unreasonable, unacceptable and pity to all those who can not see the human, woman, a heart behind this Iron lady. Why all of us pretending to be giving her so much respect, dignity when we can not simply accept that she is also a woman who can fall in love, wants the affection of a man whoever he is and wherever he belongs. She being one person who has sacrificed her life for the people of Manipur, North-east and fighting against the colonized law of India-AFSPA does not indicate that she become public property and a property to be divided, chased and sliced by piece by piece to the NGO, Govt, and to those who claimed to be supporting to her for so long. Here the question came into my mind is that are they supporting her with the hope that someday they will walk the red carpet with her if she is ever selected for a Nobel Peace Prize and live a King's life with that money? I will not assume that too for all those who support her and still hoping that whoever they are and for whatever reason they have supported her for so long, then so suddenly why they have been dragging the issue in such a dirty manner that the struggle she has fought for so long years ended with a story as similar to that of a Bollywood item girl's personal life.

Leaving her in her own space, letting her to take her own decision is the ultimate respect we can pay to this extraordinary woman who has sacrificed her life for everyone of us. None of us has the right to even advice her to whom she would fall in love and she should not fall in love because her struggle will be gone in a different direction. If we leave the decision to her whether to fall in love, marry a man and even to quit her struggle and settle down with the man she love, then whatever she did will be more counted, respected and taken in a dignified manner by the whole world. Just because we treated her like a Goddess, we should not assume that she is incapable of falling in love, want to be in the arms of a man she love, want to lead a life just like any of us. Every woman whoever they are a Goddess, a prostitute, a whore, Girlfriend, wife or in any name, they will always  need that love, affection and care from a man they love. I don't see any reason why we should make a hue-cry over Eche Sharmila falling in love with a British citizen, the man admiring her, falling in love with her from last three years, continuously writing to her is something we should appreciate and let them have their space and respect the relation. No one would want keep a camera in their bedroom, and comment in their personal life. The same has been expressed by Eche Sharmila, of her wish to be with the man she love without anyone's judgmental eyes. How come we all have turned blind and start judging her suddenly, forgetting her sacrifice just because she fall in love with a man who does not belong to our country, state and the community. We should at least stop keeping an eye on her personal life and trying to sabotage the whole struggle she has done. Those govt agency, Armed forces who are still willing to continue the draconian act must be laughing at the recent news of her personal life being focus and totally diverting the whole issue. It's our immaturity and extend of our bloody patriarchal system where our brothers, fathers and husband/boyfriend think that we are their property and we should be in their protection and mercy all the time. So as even if falling in love with a man which they can't accept for his belonging to some other state/country is truly showing our insecurity and reflection of an uncivilized society.

She has done nothing wrong. Even if she done something wrong then also none has right to comment, that's her life, let her spoil, enjoy and die in the manner she wants. She just fall in love just like any one of us. Love has no eyes to identify like us and then focus whether he belongs to our community or not. Better we learn soon and let the woman enjoy and live their life just the way they want. More you try to protect, prevent and jailed them in your sub-conscious mind, the more they will become rebellious, furious and who knows there will come a day , your own sister and daughter will abandon you and fight against men's psyche of insecurity. I still believe with the saying that Meitei women are most the courageous and rebellious who even fight against the colonizer British, so don't let their knife turn on yourself. Sharmila is our Goddess and we should celebrate that our Goddess has fallen in love and we should be happy that she will live longer, healthier and her fight will continue endlessly. This is protest against all those who try to sabotage her struggle, politicized her personal life, judge her personal life and make it dirty.

To all those media who highlighted the issue of her affair more than her struggle, I have only few words-FUCK YOU ALL !! She is not a Bollywood heroin for whom you can write anything, even their bedroom story and treat like a prostitute. If you don't know how to address her with respect and dignity, then you should never write anything about her. That shows your level, mentality and your country's standard. There is nothing to proud about it.

With this I would pray for a longer life for her.