Woman and caste !!

It seems like caste and woman are inseparable from the time immemorial!

The two are subject of discussion and controversies and suppressed categories in our society. Let it be anywhere. There is nothing new to discuss about the caste system and the extreme way mistreating woman in Northern India, set examples are dowry killing, forceful marriage and all time high percentage of domestic violence. While criticising and looking at the culture of other community, would not be a high time to discuss and count the number unfortunate incidents of domestic violence, socially ostracizing a woman for meeting a man in the dark restaurant, for the MMS scandal, man out rightly putting his wife name in the newspaper as "Missing Wife". 

Rape of minor, killing of woman by unidentified person and no one claiming a hand for such killing and police, booming market of social organisations and  everyone blaming the woman for the killing and finally trading the woman who are killed as immoral. So, immorality become a reasonable ground for terminating the life of a woman in the present Manipur. Where is the rock music loving, western influence society heading to? This is something to introspect before we lost ourselves in a racial war with the people who could never understand us. Main and biggest hypocrite being the people behind the printing press who are working beyond the reasonable man in order to entertain the psychologically ill bulk of man and woman in our society. So newspaper is truly a piece of entertainment at the cost of dignity of a woman. You could find people in the bus, roadside, in the local hotel, reading loudly with a sarcastic smile of the news heading titled "Missing of my wife " "My wife eloped with a younger man" etc. There is no law and authority who would cross check such a shameless crime of husbands defaming a wife and newspapers owe no morale responsibility as they get money and more subscribers for publishing such news. 

Coming back to another topic is the furious and ultimate reaction of patriots of Manipur when they saw a woman from Manipur marrying a man from Mainland India, perhaps dating per se. The kind of the language and abuses each of them used in the social networking site is truly scary. Few months back, someone just tag me in a photo where few girls are drinking beer in a personal party and may be they have uploaded the photo  in their FB, and the gonna be saviors of Manipur culture upload them in a group and called them with every name they could. The most fearful site I have ever encountered was some group in the Orkut saying "killed those Meitei woman who marry a Mayang (non-manipuri)". That was a shame and totally showing to the world or the people in other part of India that the concept of liberal culture, a society where woman are treated equally with man etc, is just a myth and I must say that it's still a myth. 

I would not say every Meitei man do ostracize and talk bad things about woman. There are man and woman who understands that every choice made is a personal and one should not interfere it  but what surprise me as well scare me is the part of anger, disheartening and revenging attitude of man of my own society towards the woman. It wonders me whenever they celebrate December 12-Nupilan Day and asked the woman to come wearing the traditional dress when the man do come comfortably in any dress they wishes. So, if we declare to the world that in our society, woman are the decision maker, they are the pioneers and it's the woman force which is protecting this trouble state of ours then why do the man in the society feel that they should police, advice and order woman for the dress, make-up and the man they should marry or date. We just make noise to the outsiders within and outside India that we have the woman market, we have meira-paibi association, we have nupilan memorials, woman top every competitive exams and it's woman who runs the home financially and morally then where is the man standing to do that job of policing? Our much hype convent school breeds who are proud of their exceptionally stylish English and rock music still feel uncomfortable to talk about woman, their fundamental and property rights and their problems. They simply ignore and become deaf and blind when it comes to the issues related to woman. They all have very traditionally inherited what their descendants used to say 'nupi naha gi wari se kya heinade". 

Everyone is an activist and celebrity in the age of social networking. One writes about politics, Modi, RaGa, Kejriwal, development, insurgency but no one is interested to talk and discuss about the very woman who they endorse to the world as an alternative form of their culture, in short the synonyms of woman is culture and again the synonyms of culture is our dress. Every day there is death of a woman, domestic violence, rape but everyone accepts it being a part of the "soon becoming " globalized Manipur? So,  basically, the most favorite topic about woman would be when there is a controversy run around them and everyone gets a chance to hurl abuses about the girl or woman in the social networking site. In addition to this there is Romi Meitei and Co, who are defining and redefining the moral, honest woman and the immoral, fallen and different type of woman in their movies. Why is no one defining the immorality of a man, it meant to say that our society also accepts the same theory said by Mulayam Singh Yadav, "boys are boys, they make mistake and why should hang them for rape". They may be making lots of money and enjoying the whole process of representing woman as pathetic, pitiable and irresponsible but this will cost hugely to the coming generation where every growing up boys will start treating woman as their property and object they can use and throw anytime. Every growing up girl will feel insecure, pitiable and pathetic about themselves.

After a long time, I went home, surrounded by little cousins who are not as fortunate as I'm to study in good school and colleges. They suggest I should watch a movie with them. I agreed and sit down to watch series of Manipur movie, in one movie, the girl from a poor family brought up by a widow eloped with a handsome rich family boy. The boy's family insulted them and the girl suicide, reason being she was left nothing to live with dignity. She is the fallen one, the mother followed and suicide. I just sip my coffee and said yuck, who is the bastard making this movie?? I started enjoying the weather and the torture of Manipur movie, I shift to another movie, an older man forcefully kidnap a beautiful young woman and his parents advice that you are a woman and your dignity will be over if you deny this  marriage, so here no IPC, no criminal law applied. There is traditionally acceptable culture of eloping but it should be between the consensual but our film makers still endorse the idea that woman lost their dignity even if it was a forceful eloping or kidnapping, so they should get married to the kidnapper. You have to marry the man who forcefully kidnapped you instead of filing a case as per the law so this is like how Eistein law of gravity failed in Rajnikant's movie, similar situation is with the Manipuri movie. In the serious note, it tremendously affects the growing girls, kills their confidence to be themselves and make them feel that they are living the most vulnerable, pitiable and meaningless life. 

I always believe that education will change the people and their thinking. But current generation of rock music, fashion lover and Korean style infected generation is redundant, retarded and sometime incurable.They simply become educated illiterates and their skill of language and the social networking is rather leading to a more chaotic society. So simply it becomes like technology being fed to the worms. 

We are yet to pass few more decades of miserable stereotyping of woman and caste. Just like the two sides of the coin, from one decade to another decade it just pass on like a tradition. 

Interview by finding the voices (Monica Ingudam)

So finally the interview is released in you tube by Finding the Voices. Many thanks to Monica Ingudam, the sole owner, cameraman, direction and everything behind the success of finding the voices. I would like to quote what she said to me once in an informal conversation over the phone : Manipur is known to the people for its sports and beautiful culture but at the same time, the shadow of conflict situation, insignificant killings and so many unfortunate happenings taken its place in the mind of the people slowly. So, I just want to make a little contribution by finding those beautiful things happening around us, helping the new talents in every field to occupy those spaces and showing to the world the beautiful side of Manipur.

Here is the link of the interview 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qvcoy99ng2M#t=124

Redefining Love ??

I hope I'm doing lot of redefining of some of the very important words and terms in everyday life. That's necessary, clauses are to be inserted and deleted with the change in the time, mood and meaning. I don't believe in public display of affection, let it be love for my parents, family or my lover.

I'm someone who was/is always madly in love. I never see love as a credit card just as today's world treat it. If I need something to gain and buy something out of love then I would no longer make it a part of my life, so I have to rewrite it's meaning. I think the world has almost become a bullshit and everyone is like a walking and talking calculator. No one looks human to me except  my few friends who selflessly fall in love without a calculation of profit and gain, probability of marriage and making babies. If love is all about somebody affording to buy all the expensive gift to you then I would rather marry an ATM, why would I marry a man? If falling in love, being crazy with the moments, where we almost forget there exist a world beyond you and I, is all about promising to each other for a future date for getting married and making our own baby then why would not I choose to be a cow whose whole purpose is to give milk and baby. Sometime I feel so pity and sympathize those who abandon the moments of love, craziness and those inevitable moments in life just because what the world will say and fearing of a day when one has to live without the one you love. Love is never meant to be together, love is meant to be felt and live at the present moment.

How does it matter if we are living together even for another century while building a wall between us even in the bedroom and with a fear of massive divorce and paying of a huge alimony? Everyone knows there are such relations and in fact there are only such relation in the present days. I don't want to live with a man just because once upon a time we decided to keep the promise of society and our family obligations. I would rather be happy, a man going away from my life and leaving with the memories of love and moments of truth. Only one thing I'm fear of,  is for a day, I will not be able to fall in love. Those magical feeling of waiting for your love, waking up whole night thinking about him, smiling alone remembering those memories of school and nothing has been wasted in life in living and reliving with those moments. Some people even scare to accept what they feel, they are always in the denial even if they are in love. I wonder why they do so and what made them think that the world will someday fall on them if one fine day they accept their feelings. This is something as important and as easy as breathing. I even learn to love the lie of my own lover. Sometime I thought why I'm still being in love with him when it seems no such feelings are shared from his side? I thought his efforts to make me smile, giving me time, even saying those three words and even trying that I should feel what he can't feel, is part of love only. Every effort of him though it looks questionable sometime about his feelings, about his intentions and his possible betrayal, it just become a part of love. With the hope someday when he will leave me, he will walk away with a memory of these precious moments where he tries to be in love with me though he was not actually, I hope that's the way he loves me, a different kind. Expectation spoils everything, it returns nothing except a heart break and waste every memory and turn it to bitter.

Everyone gives me long lecture why would you associate with a man who hardly seems to have a future, but I have my own reason. God forbidden, if one fine day I have to wake up to a future with a man, for him, I don't feel anything but we are together just because the world wants me to make his baby.That looks like I'm participating in a population race, so political and communal, nothing about love and feelings. I'm being very weird but this is what actually the world goes around. If anyone wants to know the truth of such people living with the pain of togetherness then list is going to be so long. Though on the contrary list of people celebrating  the pain, sorrow and joy of being in love is minimal. What all we see today in the social network is the biggest lie of a life specially for those who are happily married in Facebook. It's the social sanction, approval, declaration, acceptance and reaffirmation of a lie which people are seeking from social network. Sometime when I do have my routine conversation with my friends we used to have good laugh talking of such people who would show to the world that they are die hard lover but we still know they don't even want to see each other's face in their bedroom. My problem is running from living a such life where one has to cage to live a pretentious life.

There should be only one reason for being with a person, that's love, it may last for a moment, months, years or just forever. I can never deny every single moment I have lived just because it will not be written and recorded in a stamp paper. I would be crazy if I now deny that I wasn't in love with someone just because he will tie the knot with someone else, just because we never dated, just because we never chat over the phone for hours, just because we have not said those magical words. Then what name I should give to those moments of laughter we shared, those affection, admiration, smiles and memories which become part of our life every now and then.

I don't see a reason to stop falling in love just because someday one will leave you, you will be devastated, in that matter one also die and bodies are burnt to ashes so the love really ends there? If one ties so hard with morality of being in a society, seeking approval and living with an obligation of making baby then one can never be in love, one will remain coward and whole life they can only end up celebrating valentine's day, happy anniversary, happy love day, happy hate day, happy so and so day! 

The man in the uniform!

Whole my life I always hated the man in uniform. May be it was the memory and the experience which has been deeply painted in my mind since childhood. When I was a kid mom used to ask to rush back home and live inside the home whenever the military colour huge vehicles stop by our village. Then while growing up, my school bag would be searched every early morning by the patrolling army and they would asked us every morning where are we heading to in their broken Manipuri ascent. In the cold and bitching winter we have to answer with a heavy breath and holding our sweating forehead that we are going for tuition in our school, to a place 11 km away from my home. Sometime they intentionally made us scared while asking questions like in what party we belong to and helplessly & hopelessly we would stand like an accused ready to take any punishment they would give us.

Every morning mom and dad would drop me till the road where my friends used to wait for me to start for our cycle journey till school. Whenever I go home and the voices of honking buses at 3 am would suddenly awake my fear and anxiety of living in those time. I woke up with a haunted fear of losing myself every morning where I had to face the patrolling armies at 4 am and answer their questions. I would always stand with teary eyes beside my friend Santosh who would be standing in a long line of men pulled out from the local bus every morning for body search. After so many years and almost a decade of living in Delhi, after learning the meaning of democracy, learning the law of this land and knowing how much injustice has been done to us as a human and citizen of this country, I can never forgive the state, every silent men and women of this country which colonized not our home but our soul every now and then. Their grief, their malice would surely give a smile to me and those who lost their lives to their silence. What made me broke down and cry every time I visit home is not the sounds of gunshots and bloodshed of state and non state armed groups but how we have become immune to the unnatural death of so many people who lived among us. The very unnatural trait of this phenomenon has been made so natural in our day to day life. It's just part of our life, everyone said.

I could recall the day I was coming back from school with Santosh and Issac and they have been isolated and carried away in a corner to question. I had to stand nearby our cycle holding their bags and praying from inside please God don't let anything happen to my friends. At the same time, I dream many horrible things about myself. What would happen to me, will they kill me too after they killed my friends and apart from that many horrible things even horrible than death which could happen to a girl. Sometime we started living with so much of suspicion among each other. While cycling 3-4 of us together in that tiny road I would be doubting on my own friends in school uniform and asking myself what if anyone of them have been found out as related to some banned organisation and what if we all have been caught. Every morning and night the only haunting dream of my parents were to see me coming back home safely. I never assumed whole my life those men in uniform are human, have a soul, have a body which can been killed, filled with veins carrying the same red colour fluid like in my body. I saw them as bunch of machine gun walking tall and I thought they are sent from another planet everywhere, jumping like the scary animals in some jungles with their thorny hats till the time I listen to the human behind that uniform.

The space I have always avoided whole my life was being interacted with man in uniform. I even avoid my friends husband or boyfriend who joined the institution of uniform and defense. I always hated that it's a place where human machine are manufactured, human robots are preserved. I makes me more annoyed was stupid foolish women going gaga over the man in uniform rather knowing the politics of this institution and uniform. One of my colleague said girls go crazy with man in uniform and  I won't be surprised if my fiancee said one day that he slept with a woman. You know girls are crazy about them. I just said hmm and said it depends, first we have to check whether they are really human. Then she got what I mean to say and never start that topic in the lunch table. I literally hate this kind of corporate women without a brain except they know is how to use computer and of course whatsapp or whatsass!!

But life gets you different lesson. It was the episode of Dhantewalla in 2010 which shocked me seeing 76 dead bodies of CRPF people lining up on the road, most of them belonging to the remote villages of UP and for the first time I shed some tears for those man in uniform while seeing their family crying in the tv news, their mud house, their old parents and half naked kids. That was the time I started knowing the double facets of victim-hood. Now also I do not want to believe that they join the force because they aggressively love their country and they know what is the meaning of nationalism. I was not crying for that made-to-believe machine in the uniform but of the man behind that uniform made up of blood and flesh and who has been killed as pawn in the war for nothingness but for the benefits of corporate and politicians. Let it be state or non-state armed people both the category belong to poorest of the poor group or middle class family who either fight for an empty stomach which has been kicked mercilessly or a family who eats basic non-nutritional food but dream of a comfortable life of a live-able home, a car, a family, a happy wife with a pride. Both the group do not belong to the dynasty of Gandhi, kings or whatever. I will not go to the question of nationalism and love of this country. Till now that's not even in my illusion, I can't understand whole my life and I hate aggressive campaign of nationalism by the upper caste people in this country and I do not believe in the existence of their nation excluding the poor, north east, kashmir, tribals, dalits, beggars and women at large and without those who die without knowing a life they have been gifted with this life.

Then here I met some snobbish type of girls in an institution and told me I really like that army guy. He is too smart and dress so well. That's the first time I got so offended about what someone I like. I was like no way what the hell I was doing from last one year. I need to get over and run away from what I'm thinking and shared what I felt to my close friend saying I'm so shattered. But it was after giving some thoughts I initiated to have a conversation with that man in the uniform. What makes me more vulnerable was knowing the very human, filled with blood and flesh, insecurity and loved of his own life and unlimited dream like anyone of us. May be knowing him helps me to break every piece of my hatred and instead I'm more able to understand and blamed the politics, institution and rules set against their willingness.

But I'm still left with the illusion that whether those girls who were going gaga over him was really ready to feel that human behind that uniform, feel the pain of that man in uniform whenever he leaves for his operation in a dense jungle when he know that he is fighting for an unknown enemy created out of nothingness and at the same time he can not do anything against the institution, system and the rules of military law. I do not know really how love, affection and attraction has been defined by the women of this era, by their computerized brain and whatsapp addicted heart??

 As far as I know them I don't think any of them seems to reads politics of Maoist, Army, CRPF, Dams, minerals-mines, patents, corporate, border and the very man in uniform who they have been going gaga. I could not even see the anxiety in the eyes of that woman to understand the fear in his eyes of his life, dream and a willingness to be like anyone of us to live a safe life. What made me really annoyed and irritated was what they saw in him. A brave machine with six peck, high-tech mobiles, his personalized vehicle waiting outside the institution to escort him, his short and smart hair cut, his biceps and his cleanly ironed dress, but in all the above description, there have not mentioned anything related to his being a human, that willingness to be loved, cared, blood, flesh, insecurity, pain, fear and dream! Or may be they are just wanting a prospective body they can perfectly advertised to the world. What the world believes, the brave soldier!! But what I know was different, he is just fragile, insecure, love his life, dream like us, feel the pain just like anyone of us, has the tear-ducts and it is not the politics of his uniform all I know but the human behind that uniform and only thing I hated were what all those women like to own and love, apart from his soul, all I hated was that uniform which made him look like undead and immortal to those girls!!!

Malice of a lover!!

I thought I have learned enough to live this life with full recipe of how to protect my own emotions and to be happy all the time. But there is nothing like you will be happy all the time. In fact  that sounds to boring and deadly for me. Some moments of pain, shattered and making you feel you almost lose yourself is something push you ahead in life. Also I rather learn how to understand the deepest meaning of love and who could be the one for whom I should even give myself only when I feel so much of pain because of a malice of a lover and a friends. No one truly wants your sparkling smiles, let it be your lover, let it be your friend howsoever close he or she is. And truly it's a human psychology. What I love most about this life is that something is always changing and moving ahead every now and then.Nothing is permanent and everything is so exciting. It does not give the feelings of wearing the same old clothe and same old honey money talks. I'm someone who brutally loves to be honest and who brutally hurts everyone around me including my own parents saying what don't want them to be interfered in my own life. So this rule applies to everyone. I guess, sometime I hurt people with such a straightforward approach but I always believe they later on learn to understand what I want from my life and what line I want to draw between us.

This birthday was a very special one especially because I was free on my own birthday and not having any exam. This is the only birthday where I was living with very special emotions of being in love with the one I have dream of for a year, having that keys in my hand of my own flat and being so positive for the first time. Everything looks so beautiful for a while and I know something sooner or later will come to test me again whether I really stood by where I'm now. A bigger challenge and a bigger change in my emotions. And of course it happened. Even before I'm not able to sink into the emotions of falling in love with a guy I dream of, he suddenly has to break the bad news and of course good news for himself. What not I have done for a whole night. Spent a cocktail night with friend, talked to every good friend, every pathetic person on the earth to know what I'm thinking and what is in my mind. That's very funny part of me. Because when I choose to take decision unlike any other person, pursue a life of my own believing on the set rule of my own, why the hell I had gone to that extend to listen to the pathetic suggestions of those who can't even take a stand on their own and living a life which I can not dream of myself. I would be lying if I say I never feel lonely, I never wanted to be with the man of my dream but that does not again mean that I should keep all the time in a vulnerable position that anyone can come and hurt me.

There is nothing good or bad about this life. Except thing we could do is doing what makes us feel good. I was suffocated from a day when he almost compare with a fruit that he no longer wants to eat and I was feeling terrible of my own position and saying to myself Oh God he took me in that way!!! Sometime it's is terrible and pathetic to feel terrible about yourself but one should always cross check instead of pulling down oneself whether it is worth or not to own such comparison and such position one has put you in his life. I know love is terrible and difficult but I'm more fond of love's unconditional stand and honesty. May be I'm losing that thing to so soon or may be I'm right now standing on a terrible shoes and may be I just need to get rid of it. So I just spoke to my college friends and just asked them to catch up with me in the one of the most peaceful place-among the books and spent the wonderful time with ginger tea and lots of sandwich. Before paying the bill I just said, hey I'm beginning a new episode of my life and I have learnt a new lesson in life today so let it be called as a break-up party and let me pay the bill. What love about my friend was that so many of them are frantically calling me, engaging me and asking me where I'm and what I'm doing all the time. Everyone of them just hate to see a serious, moody and non-smiling face of mine and making every possible effort to restore every piece of smile on my face. Sometime I can't imagine a life without all of them. Missed terribly Shreema who would listen patiently every piece of my narration and absorb to herself just to make me feel lighter. Suddenly she has to leave for Philippines and we are not in touch somehow when I spend the difficult one day of this year. Linda already made the cocktail plan in the midnight, Rohit keep on calling just to make sure that I'm alright even though he was busy with his exam, Neha and Akriti were tapping me every now and then just to let out everything in my mind, Lanleima is making call and messaging me every now and then even compromising her court time. Not to forget Vijay skipping his lunch time and talking to me almost an hour and Prabha reminding me I'm not what I'm feeling now and it will be just momentary.
 I don't know to whom I should thank of this life and for so many friends who would do anything to bring the smiles on my face. Once I changed to a new dress which my friends gave me as a birthday gift and I always kept to wear when he will be here in Delhi, I suddenly change everything in my mind. I adore myself with the best thing I had today. The new make up kits, the new dress, the new shoes. And I said I did not buy this to make others pleasant but to make myself feel good and look good. Once I step out from home and catch up with my friends in the small corner of the Oxford library with so many interesting books and discussing about my all time favorite politics, Arundhati Roy, insurgency, Maoist, CRPF and north-east, Kashmir, corporate I truely feel powerful and all that pathetic and pitiful feeling seems to have drained away at bay. I thought the library was almost filled with our debate, laughter and full of positive energy. Moreover no one was judging on other though we all have different opinion about our life, politics and parties. I thought how terrible humans are, we never acknowledge the love and affection of so many people around us but we literally run after the one who would bring the pain and malice in your life. With a smile I cam e back home and I know I'm writing all the bullshits out here in my blog but this is really making me feel awesome.

Above all this night I'm again falling in love with the person I'm, again I'm that person who sets her own rule, always believe in smiling even in pathetic situation in life, disbelieve in anti ageing cream for looking alive and kicking and finally I regain I idea of falling in love again even after I thought he will took away everything I had and left me without a hope.

I know I choose the most difficult path in my life to follow my heart unlike other, without even a spot of doubt then I should no longer fear the malice, pain, sadness and moments of breaking down into pieces when it comes to falling in love with the one dream of, though I just have to be careful of the proviso that, unless the person don't have enough respect and can't maintain the dignity of my own stand, rather started thinking that I'm just an easy piece to get rid of, I should be just leaving at that moment only. There is no time in life to own one's opinion in my life.What one holds as his/her opinion about me is the reflection of the socialization they have been brought up. I'm no one to correct them and make them a better person. The one who does not deserve a space should never be wasted with a space in your life or even in your room.

The Goddess who fall in love!!

The recent news of Irom Sharmila claiming everyone around her who has been her backbone for so many years becoming a threat to her life was one of the most saddening news. The reason behind such development was pathetic, unreasonable, unacceptable and pity to all those who can not see the human, woman, a heart behind this Iron lady. Why all of us pretending to be giving her so much respect, dignity when we can not simply accept that she is also a woman who can fall in love, wants the affection of a man whoever he is and wherever he belongs. She being one person who has sacrificed her life for the people of Manipur, North-east and fighting against the colonized law of India-AFSPA does not indicate that she become public property and a property to be divided, chased and sliced by piece by piece to the NGO, Govt, and to those who claimed to be supporting to her for so long. Here the question came into my mind is that are they supporting her with the hope that someday they will walk the red carpet with her if she is ever selected for a Nobel Peace Prize and live a King's life with that money? I will not assume that too for all those who support her and still hoping that whoever they are and for whatever reason they have supported her for so long, then so suddenly why they have been dragging the issue in such a dirty manner that the struggle she has fought for so long years ended with a story as similar to that of a Bollywood item girl's personal life.

Leaving her in her own space, letting her to take her own decision is the ultimate respect we can pay to this extraordinary woman who has sacrificed her life for everyone of us. None of us has the right to even advice her to whom she would fall in love and she should not fall in love because her struggle will be gone in a different direction. If we leave the decision to her whether to fall in love, marry a man and even to quit her struggle and settle down with the man she love, then whatever she did will be more counted, respected and taken in a dignified manner by the whole world. Just because we treated her like a Goddess, we should not assume that she is incapable of falling in love, want to be in the arms of a man she love, want to lead a life just like any of us. Every woman whoever they are a Goddess, a prostitute, a whore, Girlfriend, wife or in any name, they will always  need that love, affection and care from a man they love. I don't see any reason why we should make a hue-cry over Eche Sharmila falling in love with a British citizen, the man admiring her, falling in love with her from last three years, continuously writing to her is something we should appreciate and let them have their space and respect the relation. No one would want keep a camera in their bedroom, and comment in their personal life. The same has been expressed by Eche Sharmila, of her wish to be with the man she love without anyone's judgmental eyes. How come we all have turned blind and start judging her suddenly, forgetting her sacrifice just because she fall in love with a man who does not belong to our country, state and the community. We should at least stop keeping an eye on her personal life and trying to sabotage the whole struggle she has done. Those govt agency, Armed forces who are still willing to continue the draconian act must be laughing at the recent news of her personal life being focus and totally diverting the whole issue. It's our immaturity and extend of our bloody patriarchal system where our brothers, fathers and husband/boyfriend think that we are their property and we should be in their protection and mercy all the time. So as even if falling in love with a man which they can't accept for his belonging to some other state/country is truly showing our insecurity and reflection of an uncivilized society.

She has done nothing wrong. Even if she done something wrong then also none has right to comment, that's her life, let her spoil, enjoy and die in the manner she wants. She just fall in love just like any one of us. Love has no eyes to identify like us and then focus whether he belongs to our community or not. Better we learn soon and let the woman enjoy and live their life just the way they want. More you try to protect, prevent and jailed them in your sub-conscious mind, the more they will become rebellious, furious and who knows there will come a day , your own sister and daughter will abandon you and fight against men's psyche of insecurity. I still believe with the saying that Meitei women are most the courageous and rebellious who even fight against the colonizer British, so don't let their knife turn on yourself. Sharmila is our Goddess and we should celebrate that our Goddess has fallen in love and we should be happy that she will live longer, healthier and her fight will continue endlessly. This is protest against all those who try to sabotage her struggle, politicized her personal life, judge her personal life and make it dirty.

To all those media who highlighted the issue of her affair more than her struggle, I have only few words-FUCK YOU ALL !! She is not a Bollywood heroin for whom you can write anything, even their bedroom story and treat like a prostitute. If you don't know how to address her with respect and dignity, then you should never write anything about her. That shows your level, mentality and your country's standard. There is nothing to proud about it.

With this I would pray for a longer life for her.

The Terrible Two & Puzzle!

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
Sylvia Plath 

...Of course it is not a puzzle any longer to him and I should blame myself for what I thought the world has the people who would think the way you want, who would evolve the way you evolve many a times in one birth. May be I'm the only one among the lot, who has got the opportunity rather than guts to do so, to chase the dream you wish to, to live like the orphans who had nobody to interrupt your freedom and almost dream like a queen who has no one to question.

I'm not sure whether I'm lucky or rather a victim to endorse with so much of freedom and liberty to do what I want always in a time, faith and society which is bluffing me all the time with my emotions. Sometime I felt I'm rather a victim and trying to engulf and misuse my sense of purity to the emotions by those who could never dream of owning them. Everything & everyone came out to be just lie, unwanted, coward and pitiful this time and I'm literally confused who is wrong???

Should  I crush the man who has sold off his liberty to dream or the society which prostitute the human emotions in the name of tradition or the fallen faith and destiny which always threw me into a situation where I'm left with nothing in hand. Not even with a hope to dream again. May be all of them will line up one day and call me I'm just a fool who still do not know the reality of life. But I'm still too confused what is all about living with the reality? The world so far has defined it to me as something in which you have to lose yourself, rather become someone whom you can not be, rather shameful, coward and foolish. May be I need to rewrite a definition of my own though it may take years to scale its deepest truth. So far since the day I learn to dream of, I have never lose the hope of doing something new, something challenging, even falling in love with the most impossible man I have ever met but I never blame my faith for bluffing my emotions and I used to do believe and trust the destiny. Thought it will bring the things right for me but meeting so many flaws in the past few years, I have started losing my faith to the only hope I have in an unquestionable destiny. Is it really a way to prove me wrong or trying to strengthen my stand against the belief of the rest? Let it be, I don't want to think anything on this. Let the time tell, let the time come, either I will prove it wrong or they will make me wrong just to break me into pieces. Though I would love to spend the rest of my life gathering all those broken pieces hope, dreams and love, I would never surrender myself to something which I can not believe and live with it.

What else I can do and there is nothing wrong in dreaming, hoping and falling in love even for an impossible man. There is again nothing wrong, though painful, even to share a dream with a man who has no liberty to dream and fall in love. I only know, how beautiful it is to be lost in a dream of falling in love with a man you have been dreaming for so long; on the other hand I can not resist to feel the sadness of those blissful moments dyeing slowly in front of my own eyes. Every word of him, every note of love, every dream to escape to a dream land falls apart slowly without a destination. While I set back myself to a moment where he would be just sitting opposite of me and without a word, without a permission, I would keep dreaming for another day to come where I will be with him. For so long, he was too far from me though just sitting by my side sometime, and suddenly we become so close and more divided by a bigger wall where we stood like the untouchables though I'm left in a place which remain unchanged.

No one was wrong in their decision. Neither I nor him. I should let him stand in his position and take back what I dream off. Rather I would cherish the moments of my own and I would say I'm lucky to be enjoyed thoroughly even without his permission, more over without his notice for so long. Though I again have to prepare for another ceremony of his natural death in my dream with time and moments fading away from me and memories. Nothing is new, nothing is surprising, he will become another one among those buried one. And I'm ready to paint another canvas, so colourful, till it become pale and meaningless, until it gets the shades of my own. He will belong nowhere, in fact, nowhere!!!
  

Euthanasia of love!!!

Living in a place where lovers are killed, love is undignified, living with an assumption that everything is to be beautiful behind that curtain of marriage! I'm totally frustrated with the hypocrisy of people and their guts to boast a life about parents, society, tradition and culture and blah blah...as if those who could stand for love are wild animals, not tamed and trained. But the fact is that I'm proud to be one of the un-tammed, un-trained, wild animal who can die for love but can't live with hypocrisy and fake smile throughout the life. Those who are in love only knows how beautiful it is to be with the one you love, how hateful it is to be with the one you could never fall in love.

Love was everything I have ever wanted but unfortunately I landed in a land where love is all about ball, butts, boobs and obsession of physical needs. Agreed that relation revolves around both physical and emotion and both goes hand in hand but now a days its a fashion if a man think that he can kiss every passing woman on the road even regardless of a bad breathe, I guess. I do not know how many of them ever learn to see into the eyes of a person, feel it, watch him/her silently, passed a ignorant smile and follow the footsteps of the love. I do not know how far love has touched to the heart of this huge population who seems to be too lost with the smart phone like the monkeys hugging the coconut helplessly. After seeing all of them I cry for mercy killing of the love, only thing which makes human different from rest of the animals or a civilized animal.

Seems like I'm finally defeated and I have to agree with myself that love has been killed long ago and it would be just a dream which remain as a dream to be ever find a love. It's a terrible world where emotions are sold off for everything and I'm literally tired trying to still save that little human inside me in a jungli-zed society. So far wherever he is, whatever he does, I still miss those silent walk following his footsteps, waiting for him in a road where he would never turn up, trying to mimic his smiles, even smiling alone while catching up with him in my own memories. At least I love his guts to show his affection to me regardless of what we are for each other. I do not understand any longer why people live such an unsecured, cowardice life. They can not enjoy the love, emotions which sprouts like a rare spring from their own heart but gives a huge lecture on society, culture and tradition.

Love was something which taught me everything, just lying on the bed in my room in home as a teenager and reading Dr. Kamal's novel Madhabi, made me feel the pain of Urirei when Biren left for his study in Shillong, even holding my heavy heart with an imagination that what if someday my love left me in such a way. What a bizarre reality I live today, everything ends with such a pity death of human soul. All looks walking, talking, smart zombie. Really missed the way my aunties used to fall in love with their boyfriends, walking out silently from home in my father's absence, taking me along with them so that my father won't question them where they were, exchanging some sweet talks before they depart for the day and of course passing a letter to her hand with a shy smile. Love was never been an embarrassment, defamation and useless as it is treated in the modernized society. And the most romantic memory I had about them was about my aunties knitting sweater for their boyfriend to gift them in new year day. I recalled my aunty knitting a yellow sweater copying those days Salman Khan's sweater in Maine Pyaar Kiya. I never understood at those days how was love all about but it seems like though my blood and breathe that every sense of purity of love have been inhaled deeply. I'm still searching for that lost scent of love though I'm sure by now that it had the most unnatural death long ago.

 I'm too jealous of all my aunties now. Living here is like a life-imprisonment for me, a slow poisoning of my own emotions and at the end of the day loosing myself. It was in twelve, our English teacher taught the chapter of Titanic and I almost had the sleepless night of so many days thinking that how painful it would be losing the one you loved. Sir Thoiba's lecture on Manipuri famous story of lovers Kadeng-Thangjahanba and Tonu Laijinglembi almost made me fall in love with the strange and wildest notions attached to love. Everything seems to have been killed and I'm just trying to touch a mirage which no longer existed.

Somehow while coming back late today and travelling alone in the metro, I was missing him and his smile which he always try to hide from me and everyone but obvious to me and to everyone too. What makes him different from the rest was the invasion of a smile on my lips whenever I remember him. I only wish if I can keep hold of the moments but everything is gone with time though it could not erase shadows of his smiles. I never had an expectation from him and no dream of future with him but it was a boundless affection and careless smiles which I missed the most today. That respect, emotions and care was something which I will cherish about him forever. I know everyone finds us weird, mischievous and kiddish but it was of emotions which we never thought of controlling and judging from the beginning. I was prepared of his going even from my nocturnal dream but I was very sure of one thing that he will never leave me even with a droplet of tear in my eyes. As I assume so, he walked away from my dream, hope and memory from a time when I was ready to walk in another path of life and of a new dream and of a new bond.

I do not mind people judging me whether I'm old fashioned or anything but whole my life I'm ready to die to find the one who will bring back that magical wing of the lost love but I could never witness the euthanasia of love.

I live with what I believe till today, life was never interested for me to do only what others expected me of doing. At least I promise to myself that I will never lie to my emotions, and it will remain true forever. Till I die, I'm ready to fight thousand other winner-less war to restore every piece of love from its honour killing!!

Just questions & questions....!!!

Landed at home after two years for a week visit. Had the sleepless nights from a week for a dream of seeing the land which exiled me thirteen years before and seems like she wanted to disown me forever. Lived all these years in Delhi with the mirage of dream, hope and love of the land where I no longer live. Dream about mother's morning taunting call, dad's impatient hobby of  restlessly modifying the home, the endless argument between me and father and so on. But this time, the visit to home seems something else. I came back with such a heavy heart, I do not even watch in the eyes of my mother, I don't want to cry just like I stepped out thirteen years ago. Seeing the lonely school road, the kids cycling for morning tuition, every scene in front of my eyes seems to have questioned me what I'm thinking and what road I have chosen in this life and why?

Walked the lane where we used to play when we were kids and recall the incidents how we used to wake up  3 am in the morning and run just like life has no worry. Life was about dream, hope and love unlike today. Still I'm lost in this war of living between dream and reality. Everyone seems of run after after the reality of the life, while I'm too much engaged with my questions on existence of such reality. Everything was good, memorable and I missed the most the laughter I shared with my mother, youngest sister and me during the dinner. Laughing like there is no one else in the world to trouble us and we were the queens of a dreamland. Left hope with extremely heavy heart and as usual many memories try to encroach in my mind while I'm still confused with the such enchanting dreams of the present.

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed the trip to home especially the lunch in my place with all my friends then heading to the Loktak Lake for boating and followed by a trip to the most beautiful place Ukhrul. The visit to ukhrul was the most exciting thing trip ever happened in my life, except that we should not have eaten the unwanted call for the lunch in the zombie's house. Life taught us so many lessons and this would be one where I would have to take a stand and let know the people that whatever you are, whoever you are, you are no different from a toothless zombie when you do not know the etiquette of being a human living in a civilized society. The mood of whole trip was spoiled by one just episode though I still try to bring in my memories the scenic beauty of Ukhrul in a full moon night. I'm not sure I would get another chance in this lifetime to watch the moon caressing the falling slopes of the hills while the restless cloud watch it with so much of jealousy. It was a moment of this lifetime. Unforgettable and undying.

This home visit seems to special with so many walls built between so many relations and so many new relations again sprout in my way. Some looks promising, some looks just another chapter of this life. I'm excited and I'm scared too. Again it's an endless war between my willingness to follow the dream, do the wildest things in the world to fulfill what I dream for and a fear which is holding me from living it fearing of a future where I will have to face another chapter of life, of love, hurt, departure and living with the memories of those buried ones. As of now, I'm thinking nothing and just seems like I'm too much pull away in this tide of freedom to fall free with no one to catch hold of me. Even I'm not sure, it's gonna be a dream, hope or just another way of life trying to teach me the reality and asking to understand from past experiences. To many questions, too many walls between so many relations of this life, I'm no longer capable to thinking what is right and what is wrong. But after-all who defined us so far what is right and what is wrong? Isn't it just a part of life which we are made to come across and redefine our dream? 

I hate to say this!

I know I'm the most arrogant woman and always hate to show my tear in front of a man! But as of now I have to write, console and think right that all people are not same and cruel. And I still want to reconfirm my believe that there are people who can see the tears hidden behind layers of this arrogant face and this lady can cry all alone whole night without telling anyone.

Today, I seem to lost all my faith to everyone. I have never been so upset, feel weird and disgusting for so long. Moreover I have never seen one with such cruel face. And why suddenly I missed you so much today. Just because you always tolerated me, bear my temper, understand my frustration, responsibilities or what not? But at last still I have to be rude and say the same thing that you too were a coward for the fact that you too choose to leave and follow the whole crowd, forgetting that whatever we are, whoever we are, we will land someday only within a graveyard.

Why I feel so pathetic today is not because something bad is happening or has happened in my life but I saw the most cruel face of a man and love being killed and dyeing with such an insulting end. I wish I have the courage to forget and forgive him. Meanwhile when I saw the worst scene of my life today, when I saw one love abusing another, I suddenly could not stop doing a round trip in my mind how you have treated me. I don't know what we called our relation was, never wanted to give a name and bound for lifetime but I wish every man has the courage to love a woman like you do with so much of dignity. Most of the fight, most of the argument was because of my frustration over not able to handle my responsibility towards my family but you have not even used a single abusive word towards me, forget about raising your hand and showing me you are a man and m a weaker sex.

I still hated you for being a coward but don't know there will be another man on this earth who could understand me better than you do. I know I was never fair with you whenever there is a fight and it should be always a win-win condition for me but never say that I was wrong. Just talking to my friend saying I'm too disturbed today because of some reason and I wish you were here to say that I'm the most different girl and I could never be wrong. Sometime it feels too bad how I made hell out of your life even making you run from one place to another in the middle of the night but I think everything was happened to make me learn a lesson that the world is full of pathetic people but still someone like you will be there to stand for me without expecting anything in return. And it hurt me more whenever my friends said, you know he was unconditionally good to you and we wish everything ended with a good note.

But something else was written and you wrote that end for which I can never give an excuse to forgive you. You try to hurt me even after you are gone for so many months by making me realized how good you were to me and why the fuck you had to go like a coward to that hell!

May be by writing this I'm feeling much better and may be it is just like before, how I used to spit all the Hindi and English slangs in my vocab in any of our fight and try to hurt you intentionally thinking that I was always the winner. 

Why I need to write..??

Before I attempt to write poetry back in the year 2009, my first short story was written after I narrate a story of a woman in our locality to my friends and the fateful incident happen to her. I was in class XI and could recall the horrifying and most ashamed thing happened in my locality though everybody thinks that they were right.

Well, poetry was revived after a long time, in fact after the school days though I used to write so many things in my diary but not in the form of poetry. English is one of the most difficult language for me as I have studied from Manipuri medium till my high school and one reason why  I still make it a habit to write any damn thing in my diary was to overcome the language constraint and also to free myself from any burden. There were times, I can not say all the things to parents, friends and when I feel terrible about something, I usually write in my diary only. There were many things which I just wrote, never to read again. It was like a meditation and a treatment for me. Bought the first diary when I was in class, when nothing to write, I used to open English-Manipuri dictionary and used to keep a record of the most difficult English words. Still I wish to keep a beautiful diary and write everyday before I sleep but already addiction with laptop and internet is getting me no time.

So many things lined up, I do not know where to start. Moreover, I just want to give a final touch to the two landmark story, I have ever attempted so far. The draft of the story has been spread among so many of them, some part of the story seems to be diluted. Sometime it hurts when your interest conflicts with your profession. While I have to do a 8 am to 5 pm job for five days and then engage with so many other things, no time is left to even open the draft of the story.  My only dream of completing those two stories is because I want to tell the story of those two women and what happened to them. Every time I sit down in front of my laptop, I feel guilty of not completing the story and it was a burden to me for so long. So far, I try to adapt the best and worst part of their life but still I don't want to compromise with my writing when I'm narrating their story. That's my commitment to the social crime happened to those women. I wish to show to the world that they are the real hero and not those who drag them to a level where they live with shame. As a research to complete their story, I used to talk to many people in the locality, but no one still say a good word and have mercy towards them. It seems like world was cruel for them and I also watched her when she was insulted by the whole community without her fault. Well, hope I will pull up all my courage to portray as they wish to live without anyone's scrutiny in their life.

As I'm going home in few days, I'm just reviving my memory and I hope I'm ready for the last touch to the story after my home visit. Hope I can just walk around see their children and how their life has been changed from rich to rags in the one decade.

Scent of my Home!!

Trying to grasp with the lost scent of the homeland, not through the fragrance of the flowers, not through the melodies in the distant hills but the echoing songs of the gunshots that ceaselessly singing like the unbeatable July rain. Worth remembering was my first Diwali in Delhi, I got numb and hide behind the door hearing the sound of the crackers and I just thought the scent of the home followed me till my doorstep in Delhi.

September !!

When there were so many reason 

and the time was just right 

We did nothing and said nothing

We have told other people 

We love them, at the same time

We have leant on other's shoulder

feeling sense of total trust

Could it not happen?

Could it happen?

You, here for all these years

Me, for all these years
Our path have never crossed
except on this September night..!!

Time...!!

Like the Autumn leaflets, everything falls 
I fought like the warriors 
Gruesome time went away 
Slipped from my hands
Towards tomorrow
Leaving nothing to keep with me 
Memory, your smile 
All are scattered in the wind 
Never to come together
You and I , the lost worriers 
Against this unsanctioned clock of life..

Ode to my first Love!

Everything is allowed in our society except expressing what you feel. I think this is one challenge which led me to find out my first love and have even work so hard to be with him someday. Destiny has some other plan and that I do not know what is stored in future but I'm simply a happy go lucky girl now. I'm in love with my life now, hardly complaint about what I do and I do not think twice now unlike other woman but I simply can fall in love with a man without pros and cons. Finally, I'm able to identify love sans the materialistic and there lies the sense of being in love even without a bonding of a relationship. Love is all about you being happy even in the memory of a person who may or may not be living with you.

I like experimenting people's reaction when I asked them about weird non-traditional questions and I keep doing that since school days. This time I told my friends that I'm going to say a guy that I want to date him despite of knowing that there is no possibility of future for us. Just because I find him extremely handsome, attractive, charming and a good human. Everyone drop their cup of tea, no he is that kind, he is not that kind, you can not do that, he still belong to that family, that society, that community, that caste and so on. The direction of whole communication changes to a social drama; I was like watching real life Styagraha, a social drama. I got really pissed off and said why did not you object when a friend of ours married to a man without even liking him and his family just because she is turning 30 years and she won't get a suitable husband once she crossed that age. Which one is more important for you all and why are you all act like a moralist? I continue my argument saying I just said I want to express my feelings for him and I did not say anything beyond that. Did I say I'm going to pursue him, leave my job and fast unto death if he deny or if he says he does not have any soft corner for me. You guys are suicidal, why so judgmental about him just because he belong to a community we do not like it and I do not know where you all belong to. I added saying that you all will say yes go ahead if I say I'm ready to compromise and marry that guy whom I do not even want to see his face though he belong to my community. I know what is going on in the society better than anyone of you but it is just that I do not want to follow it and don't feel it worth to just jump in the bed with a person whom I'm not in love. One of them argue that what if he deny and cut all the existing relation with you and we do not want to see you hurt? I said I'm ready to accept happily whatever is his response as he has the right to make his choice and if cuts off everything with me then it's simple file work, I will add another name in my list cowards and losers. Above all once he become one of them, I can no longer have respect for him and love will cease automatically. That was the end of the conversation and somehow I'm rather affected by their conversation and decided to keep mum over the things we discussed.

Even my friends said why do you give credit of your writing and poetry to your first love and he is such a big loser. They told me about their meeting with him when they gave them a copy of the book. I said, leave him aside, he has not grown up yet. I told him I like him when I was just 19 years and till now if he thinks that I'm in hang over just because I honestly think that he was the reason for me to start writing in the late '90 then I'm not in the mood to explain to him. Whatever he thinks is not my headache now. Let him think but I honestly feel that I should thank him for inspiring me in those days, I even name my mother as one reason for writing, so what is the big D? I will not hesitate to name him as the one, from whom I learn the meaning of love, lost, anguish, pain and every emotions associated with him. I would not be an honest person towards others if he he has not betrayed me and did not make me feel that how painful it is when someone you love hurt you, cheat on you. That's one reason I always make sure that I never hurt anyone intentionally who are in love with me and I learn to show the utmost respect to the one who shows affection towards me unlike him.

After all, do you think that a chemistry student who was struggling in Miranda House to even write a correct sentence in English would be obsessed of  writing three volumes of diary within the span of four years with full record of every exchange of letters, postcards and mail between us. I would never know why was love so beautiful that let walk in the rain and be with him though he stayed miles away from me at those days, if not I was in love with him. No one has got the privileged to lost in a dream and even forgotten that she was travelling in a crowded north-east train and unbeaten by the hot north summer and even smile at everyone, if not he did not pay a surprise visit before I left home. Last but not the least, I would not have been so poetic and experiment too much about it if he has not hurt me and broke all the dreams about us and moreover for destroying his own image of good boy, papa's boy. I learnt to live with the reality, I learnt to trust people after knowing and I learnt that love was for me all the time, within my heart, it does not go away with him but he was just a person who was not destined for my precious love. But I'm not the unlucky one just because he denied and cheated on me. It's him, who will be condemned by the love whole his life, not me. I learnt from him that love is the most beautiful and irrational emotion which could ever happen in our life. I know he is not an honest guy, he cheated on me knowingly, play with my emotions and so on reasons but I was crazy for him even after knowing everything. I spent 7 years of my precious life just writing about him, piling up 3 volumes of diary, thinking about him, crying about him, searching him in every face, looking for his smile in every falling image but at the end of everything I have realized that love is not about possession and after our last conversation back in the year 2005, I have never called him, even asked anyone about him though I keep writing every possible dreams of a future where we would meet again and that never happen too. Even I tore up every expectation in my life about falling in love again with any other person because of him and spent hours in the place whenever I go home while trying to keep hold of the moment where we were laughing together and he was showing his photos of new college, future plan, his new friends and I was giggling about my new life in Delhi, new friends and how much I wish to come home as soon as I finish my study to be with him and my family.

Everything changes drastically, I never gave up, but it was the destiny which has given up on me. More than me, my mother was hurt of what I went through and sometime asked me if I'm seeing someone else? I said, do not worry everything is set and will fall in place and we do not need to run after it and I just have to fall in love where my heart say so. People commented frantically to our poem as love sick poem, that's too harsh for people to disregard one's expression of emotions in the purest form. I think our poems are rather a celebration of love and it's world than being sick of love and lovers. No one in our society, especially women express their emotions, that's nontraditional, irrational and unacceptable. Love means marriage, if not that is immoral, what's moral is agreeing to sleep with a stranger by giving a name called husband, that's society's custom. Whatever stand I took till today is against this and I will do the same for the rest of my life too. I know my friends are concerned about me but I feel that it is crazy sometime if they ask me to date every good friend of mine. I wish love is something I can manipulate and love only those who would not hurt me, but this does not happen all the time. May be you can still call me crazy, but I still enjoy the most irrational way of falling in love with an impossible man. Yes, you all deny my theory of asking for a date to the new guy but do you guys think that he is that stupid and dumb who could not see from my smiles, over zealous expression whenever we met and about so many things I have said and written about him. Though I'm not sending a confidential and secret letter of saying what I feel, I have almost done my part saying him all I can say when we got the chance to meet earlier. And I'm least expecting of any fall out between us and as of now I do not rate him as a coward. Here again, I still thank my first love for teaching me to fall in love with the eyes of a man and notice that emotional flow in his face just like an unstoppable flow of a river.

Home!

Things have been changed or I'm have become immune now to whatever situation happened to the home? I'm still trying solve this puzzle. When I was quite new in Delhi and whenever I heard of any gunfight or bomb blast in home, I used to get so scarred and in case I did not get through my father's office land line number, I would start crying in the telephone booth. As usual we used to line up in the telephone booth and the only thing we were confirming was that our parents and family members are safe and not among the people who are killed or hurt.

Yesterday, there was a twin blast in Nagamapal which killed nine people and hurt 13 more but I did not call home immediately. I pick up my mobile then drop it again without a reason. In the night called mom, asked where has father gone and got hyper unnecessarily saying why he has not come home till 9 pm when the situations are so bad. Mom trying to calm me down saying nothing happens here. Its too far, bomb was blast was in Imphal. While having dinner, brother said, there are two bomb blast in Imphal, I just replied to him without answering to his answer-do you still want to go home? He was arguing with me since March after parents left Delhi to visit home. I know it will sound weird when I do not want my brother to go home but may be I'm too scared with my own thought of what if something happens to them. I would go crazy and will try my best effort to stop them whenever they asked about going home. I kept saying things may get better in next year so you go home at that time, sometime I said, you can go home with me when I plan next time.

Things are worst in my place because of its being one of the most favorable place for transit to every neighboring place. Most of the news of army's operation at night due to troubling neighbor's association with insurgents, brother being questioned by the commandos are just a hearsay information to me so far. But it did really happened when I was in Delhi, except that parents have preferred to hide it from me. When my uncle was alive things were better because of his earlier association with BSF but after his death, things got worst. My useless neighbor's free lunch dream and rumors of their association with the insurgents are really giving us a bad time for the last few years.

Just a month away for the home journey. Excited of the fact that I have not gone home for the last two years but so many things are there to worry also. What if there is a general strike, what if there is another gun fight or bomb blast or another national highway blocked. In all the situations we will be like a house arrested criminal without an option to step out of the home for a week and will re-pack the bag and struggle to catch the flight by taking a route where there is no sign of protest. Hope we have a pleasant journey to home this time.

Whatever it is, home is always home. Till the last breath, we will always love it and we can't even die peacefully without worrying about our home. 

Death sentence-an end to rape?

Even the death sentence seems to be not a justice to for the heinous crime of rape. But is the real solution to deter the rape in the rape city and of course the rape continent. Recently a survey indicated that 1 out of the 10 men in Asia confessed that they have raped a women. Reason being for entertainment, boredom, to show their muscularity or so on. 

The whole mass is rejoicing with the death sentence of the four accused and deep down the line I could not stop crushing this society for which even these rapist are victims. On the one side for the rape and torture they have done to the girl, I have to pity for them even if they are burnt. But don't really need to sit down and think what make them inhuman, not even an animal. While reading the statement of the judge saying that rod has been inserted to her body, her abdomen has been destroyed and her body part has been pulled out, I could not stop my tears. I just take a deep breath, trying to control from crying and said who make these monsters? I do not really know whether they could still be judged, rectified or talked in the human language. Not even an animal would do to another animal just like they did to the girl. Quite upset for the whole day thinking what would have gone through to the parents and brothers standing in the court watching them and hearing again and again that how much they torture their daughter and sister. She has left for a better place but her family will live with such a miserable pain throughout their life. 

She was still too young and has not lived her life and I really wish she got little more time to enjoy this beautiful life which is given only once. When I lost my cousin when he was just 24 years in an accident, I kept asking why so soon and keep blaming the faith but at least in years I'm able to reconcile thinking it's just the way we live. But when someone like Nirbhaya has been killed so unnaturally, it's unforgivable for all the rapist and this society should also own the responsibility because we are also played making the monsters in our society.    

Instead of just rejoicing with the death penalty, would it be better every parents start teaching their sons to respect the women and let them enjoy their life instead of encouraging their useless man-ego. Saying that oh you are a boy or man, you can do anything. Still this death sentence is not going to deter the crime against the women, in some years it will become like another dowry law. Till now we have so many legitimized laws under which rape is not taken as a crime. All the political parties came under one umbrella while rejecting the Justice Verma commission which includes the marital rape and bringing the armed forces to try by ordinary court while committing a crime at the personal level such as rape. So there are thousand questions every women like me would ask that would rape would be allowed if it is by husband or by the armed forces.

 Until and unless when rape as a concept of man flexing their muscle power against the women and their mindset of  thinking that women can be tortured this way, it can not be eradicated. Above all these, the male chauvinist pigs who gives speeches in the form of politician, bureaucrats and leaders should stop blaming like why women are walking in the road in the night, why did they wear that kind of clothes and she is of that type of character. For instance, prostitutes sale their body for survival but even they are not allowed to rape if they don't give a consent to it. So what is the need would be not eating gulab jamum in the death sentence  of the rapist bt rectifying your own kid so that they don't become another rapist and another women. It was surprising when RSS leader addressed the mass that it was the fault of the girl why she was out of the home in the late hour? To add to this many politicians rather blame on the girl who are raped,. Same comment has been passed by our own Delhi CM Sheila Dixit, commenting on the 2005 rape case of the Mizoram girl in the Dhaula Kaun. 

What India needs to change is to come out of highly morale society where they are making human bomb who can explode any time once they are out of the home.The morale, respect and their humanity ends they step out of their home. Their respect to elders, women and other male counterparts is for show off only. What is the point when you shout from the roof top that we are highly cultural society when you can't even teach your sons to respect women, at the same time when you always ask your daughters to compromise their freedom, respect and dignity for the sake of your meaningless dignity and culture. May be India just have to come out beyond this image of being the sacrosanct country while still rated as the rape country. Better is to understand the changing society, mindset of younger and give them the space to breath and live beyond the suffocating cultural factory of rapist and murderers. 

Just like a long lost lover!

Somehow in my words, in my deeds and in my talks you have become a reason to laugh and bring a smile for the past few months. And finally I'm feeling sad of the fact that everything will go away with time. The time will swallow every remnants of the memory. Of your smile, of your laughter and I do not know I'm trying to gather everything and bind them so hard that it never left my memories. Nothing have been told between us except through the eyes and the smiles across the crowd. I know you do not think anything serious about any kind of emotional involvement neither do I but every part of the memory was a reason to smile and laugh for me. That's only reason I was left at that time. I know we stand poles apart and there could never be a meeting point. I never thought of losing of a such a moment, everyone seems to be moved on including you, except me, seems to be still standing there and waiting for you all alone.

 How would I even tell you that I even had the most painful wait of this lifetime, without even having the courage to tell that for hours I waited across the road where I used to wait for you. Every weekend just passed by mercilessly and I thought at least in a faithful Saturday you would suddenly cross my way and pass a smile just like earlier. With a hopeless thought I search for you in the crowd with series of cup of tea and used to spend hours. What I miss the most is the way we hide our smiles and you obviously know the reason why I ask you so many questions sometime and why I even get so annoyed when someone else try to get your attention. May be it was for the first time for me, I saw somebody with such a true emotions in the eyes.
Somehow I felt that at least you have the respect for what I'm, you do not deny the way I used to adore you without a spotless mind. At least you don't insult me with a response that how could you do that being a girl?I felt that every moment was a miracle when you come in front of me, as if something is going to change forever and nothing bad could happen to me again when I'm with you. I'm still trying to paint every enduring moments of those few months. I wish it was just longer than this life and we tend to forget the beginning and the end. Or does it become so nostalgic and unforgettable because it was for a little time and we have to walked our way apart just as it is decided.

 I'm sad for the fact that everyone said, it was just a fun part and you have to move on! Why I have to move on, when there is an undying smile which keeps me alive, which dazzles like raindrops reviving my soul. In another thought, it just looks like my own imagination and nothing was there to be serious. I hate the hypocrisy of this world when I'm not even allowed to even say what I feel for you but they will sleep at the end of the day with a stranger in the name of marriage.

Somehow it seems like I also have to go with the flow of the time till the memory lapse without living a space to remember you and your smiles. But I will never let you die and will paint every memory we had in those beautiful days in every pieces of my pages. That will be a true ode to you and my love for you. Last and for all I have never hesitated in saying what I felt till today but your bastardy society is so dirty that there is no space for such love. Let it have the most peaceful death!

Sleepless in Delhi :)

Mom correctly say that do not ever make fun of someone's misery, it falls on you so quickly in the Kali youge. I was talking with a friend about a frantic call from a college time friend about asking some urgent money requirement. I was just confirming whether she is still honest as I'm afraid of her liability. First of all, she lied in the first word of call. My friend told me, don't try to argue with her, she is facing lots of problem and even having sleeping problem so eating pills. I just said, oh poor girl, she really messed up everything as usual!

I came back home so tired and hectic schedule in office, then routine work in home and trying to sleep by 1.00 am, my usual timing. Suddenly I felt so awkward, uneasy and it was like those horrible days where I used to spent the whole night writing poetry, watching movie and sometime walking alone in the terrace without even talking to anyone. That feelings of emptiness seems to encroach my space of comfort life after years. Bad days, bad people! But I'm hardly affected with any of his news nowadays and I don't even bother he is dead or even become a prime minister. I try to sleep by reading some boring chapters, even trying to write the worst things in the world but quarter to 3 am I could not resist myself from crying while watching the movie Sleepless in Seattle and my favorite Tom Hank. I felt more horrible because I don't know why I was crying. I repeatedly thinking what happened to me and was there anything to worry? I even asked myself the most weird question? Am I in love with the charming guy in my mind? Then again I rejected the question, nope! Love never comes beyond Sharukh Khan's screen in their world, so cut the big crap!

It become more weird when I only remember so many wonderful things happened in this month. My wishes to walk in the Vizag beach, roaming with best buddy in Hydrabad, and so many good news about Tattooed with Taboos, everything was so fulfilling. Then I gave the liberty to my tears, let it fall until it gets tired and dry. After a soulful cry I felt so content and it was like falling in love again. I wish I can dedicate the wonderful tears to someone I do really love. Alas! No one was there in mind for whom I can cry for.

With a smile and love in mind about a dazzling smile, I fell asleep, just to open my eyes again before 7 am in the morning. And I thought why not have a sleepless night in Delhi, if it can happen in Seattle. Got into the kitchen, make breakfast and get ready for office only to surprise everyone "how come Chaoba, you came so early?" . But who knows that I was enjoying the Sleepless in Seattle in real life :)

Silencing those voices!

Finally I'm hatting the social networking especially Facebook. Bunch of crook people ready to judge if we talk of the topics out of the box. Only reason why I'm still engaged in Facebook is that it gives me a boost to write, think and sometime feel encouraged with some friends honest opinion. If you talk about politics, about love, about relation, about feminism and gender conflict then you are gone. That's happening with me.

I love thinking about what should I write, even a simple conversation with a friend, I try to make it in a nice line and make it poetic. That's how I try to improve my writing and command in the language. Above all, I do not care what people are tagging me with any name. Let it be. But it does surprised me with their questions. After all I'm not writing to become answerable to anyone of them. I know even among the friends they find me weird because I talk about politics, parties, gender and my conflict situation with the religious and God-loving people. They said why do you bother? This annoyed with more than anything. What we should be talking all the time. About the boyfriends, how nice it was his new haircut, how sexy he looks like, all the time and 24 x 7. Forgive me I could never do that. I can not be in a conversation of men, marriage, kid and shopping not more than an hour. I do have my limits. After all I'm never impressed by kind of  men whose attitude and personality are only identifiable by their branded clothes and socially and politically looks totally dumb and stupid. So as I can not tolerate a man who talks all the time about zero size woman and their horny dreams.

There are so many topics we can engage and have fun while talking and all of them are relevant to our day to day life. It's our negligence to talk, discuss and analyse the things around and just following what others are doing, later on we can not blame when it becomes a culture and burden to us. And we can't blame men for not understanding. If you are not interested in talking about the things related to your life who will take charge and discuss about it. Here comes the major reason of lack of participation of women and those who stood up become a victim of the mass including of their female counterparts.

We have many examples whose voices are silence in many ways by threat, by killing, by eliminating them from their way and that's reason we still stand in a place where everything looks motionless for women, having no option but following to the already set laws/norms/culture.

Why we still feel that making law, bringing the change, voicing against the wrong doers is only a men's job and we have no part to play in it other than talking about what should we cook in the dinner, what colour of bed sheet/curtain will be suitable to my bedroom, how can I impress my boyfriend/husband, what dress he will like? It's quite pity so far, so many educated women can not engage their conversation beyond this topic. Those who does the talk are ostracized and treated as a alien.

Why don't we admire Arundhati Roy, Medha Patkar, Banerjee Bhuto, Kiran Bedi, Taslima Nasreen, Mahasweta Devi and so many of them who change the niche of woman from kitchen to politics and society at large. Do we still have to follow what our mothers have done, taking care of our father and washing their family clothes and at the end of the day living in their mercy. I'm not being pessimistic about family life. No one can better understand a family life than me and I don not need a lesson to it. I know how it is like adopting and taking care of two teenage brothers in Delhi. Everything is possible, even managing them and living a life of my own, having a career, social life, talking about politics and so many things. But simply denying to talk and even discuss of the raising issues around us will be a foolish step for all of us and we are already bearing the consequences of the man-made laws, rules and culture.

It was just few years back, the school going girls are forced to wear sarongs, then asking us not to wear jeans, in future they can ask us  to wear a veil and we should not be surprised if we ignore to talk, discuss and bring it a negotiable table where we can also talk about what a woman want from their life apart from obliging to the set rules of patriarchal organisations in our society.