Kindness!

 Some of us are born with fragile heart and we can't unsee when someone needs help and they are in trouble. It's not that we want the kindness to be returned or we want a blessing from them. But we lived in a time in a similar situation or even worst. We met on our way extremely kind people who helped us without seeing my identity and my relationship with them. Or we have also met with people from the same bloodline breaking us into pieces and left bleeding. Of us looks strong because we know we can't stop living and hoping and we tried everything to heal our broken souls to begin with new set of hope and dreams. 

When someone helped you with extra care, they don't have any hidden agenda. They just want to be treated in the same way she has treated you. 

Hello November

 May be this is the new Me! 

Little bit mature, little bit old but still the same happy go lucky girl. The same person who will never shy away from telling the truth on your face. The same person you can read from the smiles and the shrinking muscles around my eyes. 

Things are hopeless for many months. Misery fell on us like we all had committed a big sin. Like we all have been published. Our grief has been ignored by every human alive around the world. We all wept silently in the middle of the night without anyone to console us. We still do not know who is at fault and who brought all these misery to our lives. But we all have been living with a broken heart and some of us share our pains and we talk about depression and sometimes we laughed talking about our miseries. 

Things have gone too far. We are like those unread poems ..hidden somewhere in the corner of the world, unknown to everyone and still suffering from an eternal battle we can never win. 

Hello November, we have suffered enough. Hope you bring the hope and love to live again. What we need the most now is not the mercy but hope and the will to live and love this life again. 

Hello November wake us up before we all are doomed forever!! 

untitled!

Sometimes you have to be quit enough to listen to yourself. sometimes I have to acknowledge that I'm tired of living with so many people who has no will to live. You can not be just a baggage on other's life and claim for luxury. Some stories are better not told be told. Some stories are of our own being so inhumane and insane. Some are of your own blood yet they are worst than your own enemy.

You may give the whole life to others but no one will stand with you when you need a push to stand on your own. And there is no God which knows your limit and it only wants to kill yourself and the foolish will survive his his divine world. You may have to just run like insane or live like foolish who has no ambition, no complaint till the time you give your blood to suck by them. 

I wish..

Does anybody ask what other's wishes are..?
I hope for a gentleman coming and asking me what I will do if I'am given the magic chant to fulfill my wishes..
I can only choose to have wings on my back, fly back to those time so that I don't have to come back where I'm today
I wish I was little wiser, I was little selfish, more kind to myself..
People are born to be selfish, cruel and seek their comfort..I know nothing about the world but why didn't I know myself enough, why I had so less time for myself. Where was the whole world when I needed them. Sometime you have to be shameful that you have no one to wipe your tears, no one to share your pain and love. All has their purpose for coming to my life but what was my purpose to making them part of my self? I feel what a waste of time, memory and laughter when you have nothing for each other when the moments are lapsed and you found all are selfish being who just want to grab your blood and flesh like the vultures. Humans are awful, their hypocrisy is limitless, they can survive on others blood and blood if that comfort them..I don't know what do you called yourself when you know everything but you live in their comfort zone. Be their victim. I'm amused and lost all the time when people are forgetful of their deeds and be nice to me..I have kind heart to forgive people but I can't be pleasing people who bullshitted what I'm. Life is beyond the kitchen politics and some people can't live in my heart even after their trivial attempts. Some people remain insignificant in other's life because they never gave an effort to love people with their own heart. They  may not be heartless but they are not taught to be honest, respect and kind to others even when there were sea of difference in opinion. Once you broke the trust, respect and faith, it's forever you just turn to pleasing business.
Well I simply wish If I had a wing to fly, never to come back where I'm.
I'm tired of business of relationship, that's hollow, insignificant and non-lasting..

I'm not a feminist but I want to connect with women!

I heard many educated, liberal, well dressed and westernized women often saying such dumb statement ! I'm not a feminist but I want to connect with women! So it is like I'm not dumb but I'm not wise either.
What kind of women they are quoting in their famous statement? Why do they need to connect when the reliance Jio is already in free service. Was it for building a museum? A rare species museum to keep woman who wants to fight for equality but ashamed of being a feminist?
Who are feminist according to such women? Options please:
1. Feminist are men eaters or haters?
2. Those who file petition to free women from kitchen and demand for men to work in kitchen
3. Those ugly cotton kurta adorned women who took off their bra and threaten to walk bare chest ?
4. Those who wants to wipe off men species from earth?

I'm guessing if these are some of the frightening thoughts which make them uncomfortable and refrain from coming out as feminist. When they are so afraid of calling themselves as feminist then what kind of equality they are referring in their fancy sweet talks? Feminism is all about equality whether it is men or women, it benefits both the gender and it is never about kicking out one gender to replace another. Some serious thought please? In fact, we are tired of dumb literate women who still lived in illusion and make foolish statement.

I have met wonderful women in my life who challenged their family, society, husband and everyone who come in their way to live a life in their terms. They break taboos by challenging in different ways and live without obeying the patriarchal norms against them. These women are feminist for me but they are the true winner. Even for living in a space of our own without fear of time, intimation, shame and ownership by others we need to fight and raise our voice. Nothing was for free when it comes to basic rights of women. Whatever we got today, some countable rights to survive with dignity is because of those women who fought for us. Because of their fight for right to property, right to vote, right to marry a man or woman of their choice and right to even give name to a child they carry in their womb for nine months. Equality is not just a trophy you are rewarded after a wresting fight with a opposite gender. It's the result of blood, sweat, tears and sacrifices of many feminist in every generation. So, let's not ridicule their contribution in our life by insulting one's stand to be a feminist.

It requires courage, determination and guts to stand up against those who are threaten to the freedom to be a women. Women had fight against the churches, temples, mosques, fathers, brothers, khaps, millitants and many others to claim their right. They are the one who bring us the trophy of equality. Virginia Wolf argue about what if Shakespeare had a sister? Would her parents gave her the time to dream, read books, write poetry and walk in the woods? She will be as famous as Shakespeare or will you just conclude that women's place is in the kitchen! So she can never be female Shakespeare. Women even have to fight to own a room of her own till today. Before marriage she will be sharing her rooms with her sisters or mother, after marriage with husband and child. Where was the time women would dream of stories, poetry, wilderness and write their thought under a tree. You can your finger who walk in the midnight in the middle of the night in a wood to witness the beauty of the moon. Our thought, dream, choices are confined within circumferences drawn by our society.

During my LLB, I read one of the jurisprudence article written by Indra Jai Singh on selection procedure of the highest court of India-Supreme court. She argue that the law itself is against the women as it is made for conveniences of  women and there can never a fair judgement passed by a panel of judges where the gender ratio itself is unequal. You can't ask about making law on the mensuration cramp leave when men can't understand really feel what pain women goes through during menstruation . This is as simple as that pain of menstruation women can only feel. The men boss in the corporate elite offices jokes about women being a problem. Oh here she is! She has so many problem, sometime menstruation , sometime cramp and sometime pregnancy. And you need a jaw breaking feminist to challenge such environment, not just a equality statement!

 It's so fancy to use the word equality without a due respect to generations of women who sacrificed their life for our basic right to step out, breath freely and enjoy a life we lived today. Simply using statement like " I'm not a feminist but I want to connect with women, I want equality is just showing one degree of dumbness."

There can not be equality if one is so desperate of mercy from a superior gender! Equality is a joke when you are still seeking approval from the men who subjugated women for century. You can't sing of mothers sacrifice and at the same time criticize another women for having her freedom. You can not connect a women until and unless you know what feminist do and what they fight for? One can be only in one side. You can't praise the patriarchal system and afraid of walking out from your your comfort zone and still claim for equality. You can be either a slave or a ruler but not both!

There is nothing like slave ruler so there can't be a women who wants equality but do not wish to be a feminist! Let the chapter of feminist rest in its comfort zone! Peace!

The mission of making a good woman!

People are so worried about woman especially the bad woman who did not follow the norms! The woman who eats meat, who do not go to temple, wake up late, eat before husband are bad woman according to many people living around me. They do not like me because I don't cook for my husband, doesn't make tea in the morning.
One of such person is helper in our house. In many instances he tried to lecture me in good woman. Once he said eating meat is bad so I asked why but he said human become bad after eating. I didn't reply ignoring his stupidity. Then he extended his definition saying women should not eat. Mocktingly I rejected his argument and start cooking the delicious chicken curry. One Sunday morning he said he got Hanuman Chalisa. I said ok, then he said why I don't pray as he has seen only my husband praying. I got little pissed off and said which one you got! The Hanuman Chalisa read by the Ambanis or by the slum dwellers who lived next to his 27 floor building antila? He defended saying god is all one! I said it's not only one so you should bring me Ambani's Hanuman Chalisa then only I will read.
After few weeks when I came back office he was making roti and I was too hungry I just picked up one roti and some vegetable to eat. He was offended and said madam in our side women eats after husband so it's not good habit. In fact it's for your husband. That time my patience to tolerate him as substitute to my mother was over done. I said see aurat are stupid because they are made by man and so I can't help them. But I'm human who knows logic but not rules made by man. I eat because I'm hungry that's the logic, other aurat is nlt eating because she is stupid and has no courage to say what she wants. From that day he started showing his attitude in working in our home. I didn't try to bring peace, rather I ask him to complete his work before I get home as I don't want his advice after nine hours of nagging office and travelling for almost three hours every day.
Sad part is that every one think that they have a right to advice a woman on chapters of morality and good woman.
In my in laws place, some neighbours have big problem because I don't touch feet if each and every passing man and woman as part if their custom, women have problems because don't wear anything to symbolise my marriage. What I do feel for my husband, how much we respect and stood for each other is not part of anybody's moral lesson but why I'm not showing off to the wo is a bigger problem. Sometime ny husband got irritated because people keep on complaining about my carelessness and arrogance, as they said. But I explained saying what about those women with red bangles, long mangalchutra and big bindi, sindur and so on and sitting in a shady corner of a park with another man. Do they really symbolise their honesty, commitment just because they are walking as a symbolic piece to the institution called marriage! Do man and woman need to feel so insecure if one doesn't do something to let the world know about their relationship! When are we going to come out from trauma of Jash Raj institution of marriage and pump some fresh air in our life and relationship? 

Monumental Celebration of Nupi Lan and Hypocrisy!

So, Manipur women are very active in politics because we celebrate Nupi Lan every year beating the chilling winter of December. That's the statement of liberal society of Manipur which can't come out of feudal culture of glamorizing the women's role. On the contrary, they can still die for their notion of attaching culture in our clothe, our body. They have their right to censor the clothe, the man we should get married and at the worst they can not acknowledge the identity of the women without attaching her identity either to a father or husband,

There were many scholars, men and wannabe politicians who celebrated the ban of skirt in school and claiming that this will help the craftsman of the state and boost the economy! So nice to hear such explanation and it's such a pain to live in such a society where women are idolize but can't respect the individual choice of a woman. When it comes to active participation of women in distress politics of Manipur, how many woman has been involved in decision making, part from using them to shied bullets from Army, make them in sit front in protest. We should be able to identify the politics of using as puppets and active involvement. The mass and scholars are still rejoicing the puppet business of women's clothe and body. For now, they only claimed our clothes are flags of their tradition and culture but you never know by tomorrow they will start claiming that the body of meitei women are part of Manipuri culture. In fact it is already happening! Take the case of actor Kamala who married to a non-Manipuri was boycotted and did not allow to work again in the Manipuri films. But no civil body, organisation, scholars and individual of this liberal society which celebrated "Nupi Lan' question such public shaming of a woman and violation of an individual's right to make her choice. That's the mirror of our society which claimed its liberty statue somewhere near the Nambul river filled with dirt and plastic bottle.

Every kind of glamorization comes with huge price! One great example of victim of glamorization is the motherhood. Oh the creator, the mother who makes the home, the whole bullshit of sacrifice notion attached to it., the morality thread that goes along with the name till her graveyard. No mother could be a whore, except she should be able to burn in the fire to prove her sacred soul. This is the true reward of glamorizing an institution called mother. It comes with a heavy price, from generation to generation, most of the children remember their mothers are there to clean their poops, clean their dirty clothes, clean their plates from the table and not as a decision maker of the house. Yes, most of the children remember their mother for the comfort they sacrifice but not for her wit, intellect, politics, knowledge or individual. From all these dead end of glamorization benefits the opposite gender which still rules the world, lined themselves as intellectual, leaders and scholars shamelessly when their brain is size of a potato only. So in every society, there is such politics of celebrating the women, their role in politics in a man's world. There is nothing to be happy in Miss Manipur, Nupi Lan and so on celebration when individual choice are violated and chained forever.

Let's ban such nameshake celebration of women, women's day and Nupi Lan!

Khudie hangampal scholars !!

Khudie hangampal scholars are generic group of patriots that one can club to those of saffron party who openly abuses anyone whose opinion are different. We so called well educated Manipuri shared a small population to discuss or understand a burning home. Everyone loved their state or country. Anyone can have different opinion. But there is always a way of how a person deal with different opinions.

But there is extraordinary trait in both saffron party and khudie hangampal party flying directly from those invisible space of social networking. Common dialogue used by saffron party are :

1. You are anti national, you support terrorist

2. Our soldiers die in the borders 

3. Leave Bharat so you should leave in Pakistan

4. If you happen to be a woman then abuses start from our mother. Your mother must be  so and so. In the next level you are threatened for rape. That's their way to love their country. 

Well done to the country lovers. The notion of nation starts from series of crime scene created in our mind. 

Now let's draw similar trait in our own state scholars who are happily living in scholarship till 40 years of their life and criticising the economy of country. What they forgot is that there is life beyond scholarship they get for unlimited years of phd, m.phil. God knows what they studied but they knows well how to show intellectual superiority in the social network by selling "f***" word. Oh they don't know anything so they should "f**** off". Oh they are "f**"** the anti colonial struggle. They should better learn wrestling than wasting money for a government as they have no common sense that everyone has right to speak about their own state or country. Well, let's accept the fact that I don't know anything or somebody doesn't pinch of what the f*** is going on in Manipur, then you just provide one answer that they are just f****. 

So if one' half the life of education is all about how can you easily use abusive language, then he just show his retarded mindset. Many you could find everywhere in Facebook, Twitter. Oh well feminist , f*** it, how can they think there could be such topic when we are so concerned with saving our broken economy by forcing women to wear phanek in the school and college. You know we believe in woman empowerment. See ema keithel where ypu can find women only sell vegetables, fruits or sometimes their life and body to give a luxury life to husband and family. That's the only women market in imphal. Our meira paibi are so powerful they can stop bullets punching our body, that's women empowerment. But you can't trust them to take any decision, you know women are meant to make home so they don't understand politics, they are illiterate. That's how khudie hangampal patriots comes in Manipur politics. Women should be submissive, dumb and should not speak. If they do, you can open fire so many flying f*** you learned from most famous university in India or world. 

There is a bigger issue to fight but women then why all these khudie hangampal hide behind their keyboard and what imagination they have mapped in their mind that only women should be a protestors. There could be difference in opinion between man and woman, woman and woman also, but what these groups of scholars failed to learn is respect of difference. They feel that women are piece of joke, they are so intelligent but less they forget that they are brought to this world by a woman unfortunately. 

Best way to deal with such half baked , rotten mind who desperately seek brain orgasm by abusing others is to leave them in their own stand. If you are in the mood to engage to check their intellectual growth, you can find time after a decade also. They all would be doing the same business. They read all those books which people can't read or even heard of names so that they can thrash and abuse people. They forgot to come out of high profile books they read, probably they failed to understand human outside the books. You can be pity, pour your blessings but you can't have human conversation with them.

One's own room

Living alone in one's room, living a life of my wishes, touring the world with the girls of great mind but never to fall in the trap of family, society, men, tradition, culture..are all I have dream and the push behind the crazy thoughts to become an independent woman who would not fear of anything in life, not even those men in uniforms guarding their country in the darkness who never hesitate to frisk our bag before the dawn.

This little feet have walked a life of millions, met many monsters and still survive. Life always has a different plan, somehow I end up in a whirlpool of family circus, relationship and my struggle to come out of all was way difficult than those war-field. Nevertheless, I will not stop fighting to earn a room of my own, where I will not hesitate of anyone, I will not beg in front of anyone fearing hurting someone I love, I will love only those whom I heart , yes I do not need to keep dreaming of saying so many things to you. 

You would come someday in a room of my own, where there won't be a world of peeping eyes, we would be all alone. There will not be any disturbance from the whistle of the mothers who kept you away from your love. All those milestones were too hard but no struggle was comparable for a woman who dream to sing alone, dance in the rain, walk in the forest in a moonlit night and say the truth in her heart. Everyone hates you for speaking your mind except few could love unconditionally and stand forever. Far away there are lives who sleeps in your lullaby, he keeps you close in his heart until you wake him up from his solitude.

Journey

I could only sense the moving train
taking me miles away from him
I was at his arms , not in real but in dream, imagination and in my dead
Love was so deep, so brutal at the first sight
I recall even the single pores in his hand
Those hands softly adjusting his sophisticated watch
why everything was so beautiful and insane when he was around
Love was like a superstition, non-existent but still fear the lost
You pray, try to grasp it
Sadly gone too fast beyond my control
Tears were ugly, painful
though it was a need for survival
a way to breath out the brutal air in the lungs
So as time flies, wounds are healed
we move on
he is a different man, so as I'm
some scars disappear, some reappear in every monsoon

Imprisonment!!

Living in prison of other kind within the four walls of transparent thick glass where humans are caged for nine hours. 

Here everything is scrutinized- temperature, talk, rules, policies and not to forget sexiest jokes greet us in the morning to bring a laughter. How sad it is that we have nothing to laugh at life apart from some dirty bedroom jokes by some frustrated soul.They called it liberalism, see how free women and men are, they can talk about their bedroom dirty secrets as an entertaining script.

It's more than a death sentence given to a criminal and you get this punishment after getting highest degree from highest rated university of this country. What a loser we have become at this capitalist world! You are trapped so as I'm. For how long one can be alive with such death sentence, how can one laugh with their heart when they are just living death.  
I missed the life in my village. Running in the field, catching fish in the rainy season, living without a dream but a life filled with laughter and love. The faces of those in village just become a memory, seems like everything is erased and screened from my head, I missed listening to the midnight songs of drunkard uncles in the neighboring road. They are more than a poet to me, their songs are so meaningful though no music to it. Some cry about their wife, some for lost lover and some are rebellious, against the meira paibi who spends the night in the village hut in a roadside chewing tobacco but shouting slogans against the drunkard.

The misery of this luxurious life in Delhi took away every memories of a childhood, it has stolen my innocence, crush this heart which only knows the colour of blue sky and green field. The evening falls with the noise of crows, devils and loud honking of desperate Delhite. Sadly,even the midnight moon no longer bring back the memories of lost lovers.

Living in this prison of other kind is like a guinea pig in the laboratory of a mad scientists, testing his medicine on us to make human like a robot..emotionless, voiceless and death!!!

Ode to all my dying dreams!

I wish I could bury my dreams
I wish I could envelope all of them
Wrap them layer by layer
Saved myself from burning me
From turning me into ashes

I feel soul-less all the time
I was wrong of existence of my own
When I'm only asked to kill every dream of my own

Everything is dying
The dreams, the hope
Love, loneliness,  midnight blue
Every moments which awaken my soul

Everything is dying slowly
With or without my consent

Some,I killed with my own hands
Some, killed by each of one of them
Killed by so called love
So called love
So selfish
So lifeless
Bloodless

Beyond those grey lines!!

Beyond those grey lines and beyond many broken dreams, the finest thing I have ever come across in this life is you. When I spend my time alone, when I'm with solitude only, I can not think of anything beyond you. I feel guilty for what I'm and for not loving you with all my heart at times and for dreaming to leave you behind from my life. But that remains in dream only. I could not think a life without you. Best part of our relation is that we have nothing to hide and for being oneself in front of each other. I do not know how far I was in love with you until I saw the other living with so many grey shadows and playing hide and seek in their relation. Only thing I fear was that one day I had to hide something from you so that you can love a person who is not me. Every relation is incomplete, every relation faced the bad times but I'm sure today that I can face anything which will come in our way without a spot of doubt. Many people came and gone in our lives but no one stood by us. No one understand us as a person just like you understand me. What I have dreamt ever in my life is to swim like a little mermaid in your world without any fear. But today I'm rather sinking slowly with my own thought of guilty because at a time I thought of leaving you just because I can't withstand your tantrums. I never tried to see the battlefield in front of you, I never thought I should be there to give you the strength and hold your hands when you were alone in front of everyone. Today, I tried searching for every word that comes in my mind to seek your forgiveness but I could not find any. I left you in pain, I left you alone when you needed me the most. I left you in a time when you need my love, care and hug to make you sleep and forget the pain. I must say I was selfish and weak so I run away from you. Everyday I saw your face with guilt in my heart and this will not last for long. I wanted to love you anew, just as before. I wanted to be as crazy as I'm whenever I see you. I wanted you to be sure of the fact that there is no one who can ever win my heart than you are. I wanted you to be sure that there is nothing which can stop me from loving you more than ever. I'm not saying this just to keep you hold of me but just for myself, just to love you more than I ever do.

I'm writing this not only for you but for us. For a life we would be spending together. I have no words to thank you for so much of love, for trusting me more than yourself, for having faith to me more than I do it to myself. Yes, I'm the luckiest woman ever to be loved by a man like you, thank you for holding my hands and walking with me during the hardest hours of my life. I was a fool and I ask you to forgive this fool for not seeing the love in your eyes, for not feeling the love in those precious hugs. I have no words to seek your forgiveness, but to make you understand that I will love you and only you till the last breath of my life. 

Beyond those grey line, beyond this incompleteness of life, our love will remain the same. I will never let you walk you alone. I will never make you feel alone. That's the promise I will keep with you for this lifetime. 

The definition of being Good women !!

Finally I have confirmed to myself and stretch myself till the farthest limitation that I could to conclude that I'm tired of being good, perhaps a good woman. My life seems to be more threaten with the men living around me in the form of father, brother, relative and any other relationship than any other terrorist. They only expect me to be a good daughter, sister, girlfriend or whatever but to be a good woman. You can no longer be a peaceful human to become a good woman. When you come back home after working 9 hours in office, travelling for 3 hours in metro, your brothers expect that I should cook and clean the room. Whether they are sitting at home whole day or not, it does not matter. But you have to do it because I'm the woman in the room. I really crushed this generation of mother who made themselves a servant and brought up their sons without a sense of responsibility at the house they are living and to understand the woman they are living or will live whole their life. Time is changed. Woman are changed. Woman are no longer playing one role of cooking, washing clothes and dishes but our men are yet to go for few more generation to catch up with the new generation of woman. They expect to earn good and smart because you can not survive with one man earning economy with so much of demand and live a comfortable life. But when you come back home, you forget everything that the same woman perhaps have spent the same or more number of hours than him in the office or travel. Let it be your father, brother, husband will never ask you if their daughter, sister or wife is tired or they can help them. If you do not do what they expect then you are a selfish you and the home is no longer home. Everything is blamed to a woman but they never thought of giving up their inherent selfish habit of what man should not do.

The world is always cruel. It can not tolerate a woman who is capable of managing their own life, taking their own decision but they do not mind they becoming a major financial contributor in the family. But in their eyes you can never grow beyond their outdated definition of what a good woman should be.

Who wants to welcome you at your room all the time with dusty floors, unwashed dishes, untidy bed ad dirty bathroom. Is all these stuffs are meant for woman only. What really put me numb is my teenage brother whenever they go home started to behave like my mother is their all time servant. Which civilisation has taught that man can not take their plate and wash themselves. I'm totally amazed with the definition of their love for their own mother, sisters which they can not see beyond being their maid to clean their room, bathroom, bed and wash the dishes. At times I felt that why such a foolish relationship for the sake of providing comfort to another while other is totally exploited and suppressed. Even if I'm more capable to do many other other things than any one my male siblings, I will be no where ten years down the line. It is easy to say anything and make any rules of society and family by male dominated world. But living under such expectation, systematic suppression and saving the false pride of man which are inherited from the selfish habit is truly tiring.

Yes, being good and being trustworthy is the most unworthy responsibility. My father has no expectation from his other sons and daughter. At time they called to inform one is having headache, other can not go to bathroom and other is doing this and that. In the whole process no one could even think for a moment that what I want from my own life and little time I get after slogging 9 hours in office and travelling for 3 hours daily in busy metro. At times I feel terrible about myself that no one even asked me once in this lifetime what I wanted to do with my life. It is all about meeting the end of what they want, what they expect and what they want me to do. The day you even spent a hour for yourself, even you sleep even an hour more than they expect then you are no longer a good woman. Their definition is too shallow, its third world definition of woman and I really need to find out a way what I really want to do now and it seems already too late living with so many expectations on me by so many people who could not even understand that I'm a simple human just like them and I too has limit and feel the pain in knees, joints just like anyone of them. I do not need to tell them that I'm a human or super human but it is better to leave them in their own way to treat their own selfishness.

Madness of many dreams !!

Nowadays I'm always dreaming about so many good memories. About love, lost, smile, memories of beautiful people who once was with me and sparkling moments of togetherness. Life never leave me alone without a reason to worry or excitement. Some people has a smooth and boring life in life but I never have a smooth road to get anything in life. Even falling in love cost everything for me. At times I feel that what a waste of emotions and time but I did the same mistakes. And I never learnt and could never become practical about life. Still I'm carried away with this life's roller coaster ride of love, relation, hatred and fear of losing someone close to you. I thought I'm the only one who fears the phobia of losing your love. However, the world love is never too beautiful and exciting without knowing the taste of heartbreak and some drunken nights end up with a missing day celebration. There was a time I missed somebody so much I used to get up in the middle of night just to cry having no other option. I always assume one thing that he must be feeling the same. Some dreams of being with the one whom you adore and admire remain unfulfilled. But they never stop you till today drawing you in their dream where you can rest for a moment forgetting the rest of the world and nagging of so many relations around. 

Some relation are for few moments only. Even if you do not want to end them it slips from your hand and you just could hold those droplets of tears in your hand as their memories. Some relation has no explanation of why we were together when we have nothing to be one. We just met just a stranger, we talk, walk hand in hand but share no dreams. And here comes a day we become no one for each other. Every single moment dies in front of our eyes, we walked away without even looking at each other's eye which hurled so many meanings. Why we made every relation so complicated and why we become such a hypocrite that if you do not gain anything then you can't love someone selflessly? 

In life, I'm never stunned by why one become a beast, a prostitute or a fallen woman as the society named them. But I'm always stunned by the woman who gives a moral judgement to other woman and they think that they can be a queen in a man's heart by selling the dignity of another woman. Giving judgement is so easy but understanding a woman and her broken hearts and dream is something one could never think of doing. Why woman always talked bad things about another woman. Why they feel that they will become good in the eyes of a man if other woman are bad? Being good or bad is not the criteria to be in love. But being true to self and having no double face is the way to win a heart. The other one of the girl was narrating to another that her friend having extra marital affairs and how bad it is. I wonder and pity that one should never have a friend like her who behaves like a parasite and could not be trusted. Where she saw a benefit she started talking about the another being fallen one. What should we call about the person who is taking benefits of people those who are fallen or bad one according to them? People are the scariest thing and I wonder if they know better before speaking about anybody's life. I wonder if she could ever try her friend's broken dreams and shattered moments which led her to involve with another relation out of wedlock. It is easy to make judgement but one should first learn to love and know the joy of being in love, hurt, ignorance and cheat by the one you love. It must be so easy for some woman dreaming that they could trap a man with a tongue twisted conversation but let me tell you the truth. It takes to win both his heart, mind and stomach to be in love and relation. Pleasing someone's ear is easy and some man may prefer to polish their ego by some dumb woman but please ask them once what actually is love to them before you pass your judgement. 

Becoming a woman ?

Life is a big circus where everyone around you tried hard to trap you from every angle in life. If my mind is free then they want me to stop thinking, if my long hairs are playing with the morning breeze then they want them to tight at its base and if you are a woman who wants to live a life of your own, dream and die for your dream only then they call you a selfish lady.

Yes, becoming a woman from a girl is the hardest transformation I have ever achieved. I missed those days walking anywhere I want to reach without a burden and expectation in my head. Life has trap me from every corner. Parents trap me saying that it is my responsibility to provide free food, free education and accommodation AC room in Delhi for my brothers who has no urge to dream and achieve something in life other than sleeping. To fulfil family's dream I cut every dream of my life into pieces to make it bearable. That's not the end. Finding freedom in where you work is impossible, corporate culture is extension of old colonising system, where your senior always make feel guilty of what you are and they make sure to feel that you only deserved what you get, so don't expect more.

Well, the every step of life is challenging and it's never easy to make people understand what kind of person I'm but I never wish to bow my head in front of them to understand me also. It is not my job to tell a man what I expect from a man since I do not want their free shopping in the mall, taking me in their car, expensive gifts etc. Only thing that wonder me till now is that there are some man on earth who do not know the value of the woman who has given a new direction in their life and she made him part of her life but only thing he could thing about it is that she is probably desperate to hang on me. One thing I have learnt from such selfish people is that no one in the world should not be treated unequally. There always come a dog's day and they still walk in the street like a lost dog without anyone to bring them home. Love is powerful and those who gave it selflessly are the most powerful people. One may exploit them, used them and thrown them out of their life but they never live life without a hope. It is always like a season to them and when there is a spring it again blooms like other seasonal flowers.

Becoming a woman was the hardest struggle in my life. It demands to forget myself and love others but it could not be the rule of life. There was a time I hurt myself because someone hurt me so badly that I was left with no courage to move on. I waited every night with my phone walking aimlessly in the trace but there was no end to it. I did not accepted the defeat but I realised that it was not worth. I did not move on but I learn to love myself rather than giving it to someone who would never know the meaning of love by default. The only changes I could bring in my life was that I learn to fall to love myself. I made my choices, rather than people enforcing their choices on. I keep writing in every pieces of paper to find out myself. Now onwards it is never a choice of other how I want to live but of choices to fall in love with one I want to be, to remember those memories which left with a everlasting smile of this lifetime without a bonding. And to live now for myself and him for another journey in life where we could only nurture a life of "ours" without the dream, expectation of how the rest of the world wants to see us. 

Corporate blue and my wayward siblings !

One thing I always pray in life was that if I was only sister to my elder sister. I never admire having a brother since from the day one my brothers due to discrimination by my grandmother. Seeing my brothers pamper beyond their control was irritating.

I do not know when I will get my freedom back in life. It is losing hope and day by day I have given up in all my dreams. Dream to spend life in home, work only for 4-5 hours, sing and dance just like no one is watching and write the rest of the day. Every night my eyes were in pain and I had to sleep forcefully just to make sure that next day I could go to office. At times I have started thinking that why I'm earning when no one even bother about what I have dream about them and how much sacrifice I have made for them. My brothers have become like a parasite to my family as they grow up. Till today my parents compromise their way of life just because they want to see their sons in good school,college and a successful career. But how easy it is for some people living like a parasite and still blame the others. There was a time my father do not have money to spend in my coaching and I had to say him I could study alone just to make him happy. But here is a pervert son who spent 80k in coaching and almost a lakh in school and then he said he could not study because everyone scolded him. I wish I have the courage to disown them and bring an orphan instead of them. After all who cares about another once they are out of their way. Better option would be that you adopt an orphan and make the life of someone who knows the value of other's life, sacrifice, money and dreams. 

I do not know do they even have a dream apart from taking money from sister and father, day dreaming of becoming someone big as in Rajnikant Movie without studying and doing everything they want to do without any hard work. They would never know it was truly pain in the ass driving cycle for 20 km a day and going school and then reaching Delhi without anyone's support. Again it is a heartburn, when you are made to sacrifice by your parent's blackmailing that your brothers should be made a "big man" so you start working even before I could give the final year exam. I wonder what are they up and what I was thinking in those days. I know it was dreamy, beautiful and full Hindi film family drama. My foot ! A film always based on a terrible mother on torn saree and handsome son with elite class girlfriend, a sacrificing sister doing everything for her brother and finally they abandon them on the roadside. But still the history continue though I'm not in a position that no one could abandon in the roadside. 

But who cares I'm still in the circus of corporate world where I met everyday so many people who holds so many degrees and studied from so many famous institute unlike me but still laugh at the sexist husband-wife jokes and so many sati savitri around to judge our character. Every morning is all about seeing so many frustrated with fake smiles in the metro who can kill each other for a seat. I don't mind seeing them everyday but for what ? The purpose has become very useless when you have all your wayward siblings only mean for your money and support to their perverseness. At times, I wish I had no siblings, apart from the burden and pain, I could never share with them momentd of happiness in life. Whenever I saw their face, I started thinking that they are the reason I'm here in corporate and living with such a shattered dream without having a moment of melancholy and loneliness. 

I have lived for so long with such a dying dreams of getting rid of this corporate blue but still I have to bear for few more years till I could get rid of my own wayward siblings. Only thing I'm doing is for my parents miserable thoughts of giving them a good life but I wonder if they could ever understand about success, hard work, sacrifices in life apart from being nasty, pathetic, and selfish. Now I no longer wonder about their career but rather about their humanity and being a good human who can understand poor, love, affection and sacrifices which a human must have to be able to differentiate from animals. What I do not want them is becoming another frustrating face in metro whose worth of life is just for getting a seat in Delhi metro !

Struggling with the life's melodrama !

I do not know life is really tough for me and is it the way I look at this life. Everything seems like a failure at times. No one seems around when you really need someone to hug and cry. And it looks so crowded at times, I'm left with nothingness. Is life really good for others who has nothing to worry about money, family, brothers, sisters and parents ? Or is it the nature of human that we always find a problem in our life ? Questions never stops coming at my mind and I always run after the answers which rather thrown me into another illusion of so called happiness. My own stand, ambition and affection seems to have trouble myself and I own willingness to become selfish always end up with a bitter feelings about myself.

I know there is no solution for my brother's careless attitude and my sister's child like nature even at an age when they should be able to stand on their own. I lose my patience and they made me truly crazy but I can not think of living my brother in a situation like Manipur. No one could say anything what will happen tomorrow to any person in Manipur. I do not know whom to blame? They tolerate my tantrums and my anger but at the end of the day I can't leave them at hell though I know they should also come close to the reality of this life. And I know its their duty to know that they can not always depend on me for years but leaving them at this stage is not a solution. It is difficult to find good people who would come to help but there are lots of them who can turn our life to hell in a given minute. My brothers make blunder which drives me crazy but I have seen them making more horrible decision in life whenever we abandon them with our care and family value. I have nothing to gain from whatever I'm doing today and what I always dream is all about my parents always wanted to see their all kids living an independent life without depending on anyone.

Life's melodrama keeps unfolding and it never stops. I have no option but to deal with it. Sometime its boyfriend drama, its brother drama and its my own drama. What else I can do about it. From every side I have to play this melodrama of life. If I don't play well it will unwind me to somewhere I would have no return.

Only thing I need to learn is about more patience and more energy to deal with it. 

Seeking an answer !

Why some people are born heartless? What turn them to become so selfish and shallow? Why they even feel that they are punishing the one who has done everything for them by destroying their own life. No one could understand the pain until they are injured and no one will appreciate what others have sacrificed their own life, career, ambition and everything until the sky falls on them. There should be a limit. Now I'm going to draw that limit. You can’t be good all the time when you are insulted and humiliated just because you are good. You can’t love a person any longer when they lost the value of your love and cheated in your emotions. No one is forbidden to choose what they want in their life but if that is at the cost of someone’s life and dignity then they are bound to pay for that. I'm no longer surprised about the science and its invention but about insensible people who are born heartless and shameless. One can be mad and insane but they can’t hurt their own so much that others lived in his pity.

Life was never easy for me from the day I was known to this life. Every stage was a struggle to survive and live a dignified life. It is harder when you are bound to live in a heartless city like Delhi where no one cares about another human when there is no money. I live with a dream to providing the minimum comfort one could give to their parents and a good education to my own siblings, from which I'm not going to gain anything and return anything. I have managed to survive every hardship just with a hope that at least they will make a good career and lead a good life unlike my parents had struggle. But some dreams are meant to be broken when it is attached to someone of your own and they are too selfish to see anything beyond their devastating dreams to destroying himself and rest of us.

Everyone come across the age of teenager. Everyone falls in love. Everyone gone crazy at a phase when someone you love thrown you mercilessly out of their life. But that was never the end and an excuse that you hurt the one who had not lived just thinking that you will live their dreams. One turning back years later and seeking for forgiveness to the one whom you have broken into pieces are not the only solution. Who has not been cheated in life and has not faced the hardship but that doesn't mean that you destroy everything around you. You cheat yourself and your own people. I wonder if turning back the clock of life would be so easy. I wonder I would have lived my own life and never worry about others and I wish I was a selfish and insensible too. May be that would have made them a good human. Giving them everything I had and leaving to live my own life and sharing everything I got was the mistake.

I would accept that the sky is never been blue. It is just an illusion. There is nothing like good people and sibling relations. They are just illusion which bound you for no good reason. Every relations end the moment one forgets to respect the other and one start mocking at others dream and hope. Everything must be easy for today’s kid to throw their tantrums to others and blame others. I'm not sad but rather surprised with the fact the how could someone of my own could be so insensible. How can one still think that they still owe something to me when they destroy every dream of mine? How can they expect that I would stand by their side when cut off every existing bond among us? I wish I can rewind the gone ages, I wish I could be selfish and insensible just like them.  I'm tired of this whole game of relations. I want to walk free without a bond, affection and love. At times it’s better to be a monster among the humans than to be a human among so many monsters.

Broken into pieces !!

You don't need an enemy to really destroy your dreams and broke you into pieces! It's your own siblings, your own relatives and the one you loved more than yourself who would break you into pieces. I'm not exception to this rule. I thought I could build a family where everyone will love each other and respect one's sacrifice and emotions. It is even sometime ashamed of what you see in your own siblings. I always dreamt that I will give them everything I could not get it in my time. Sending them to good school, best coaching centre and good life which I could not afford during my school time due to financial constraints. But I think I lived for so long in illusion. I tried to gather every broken pieces many a times and given them so many chances so that they realised the value of what I have been supporting to them till now. I want my parents to feel proud of each one of us and make them live a peaceful life. 

When my youngest brother scored more than 80% in tenth exam, I was on top of the world. More than my exams, my life, I gave everything to give him the best education. I spent all my earning to them just to see them as an independent person because I know how it is to be someone who have nothing in their life other than empty vessels. I know how does it feel to be hungry and having no money to buy your own food. But with such a shame I have to accept my own failure on every kind of sacrifices, effort and emotions I have invested on them so far. I always feel that they are my life and their success will be just like my own. But My brothers seems to lost their own humanity and I lost my faith on them after breaking me, my parents expectation in pieces. I remember submitting half of my salary every three months in the coaching centre just to provide him the best coaching in Delhi and best school. Now they turn the table and show us the way that it's their life to waste it and make it without even realising how much pain we have suffered for so many ears. It was never been easy financially and mentally to bring up two teenage brothers in Delhi. It need lots of sacrifices , not only my money but my personal life, career, ambitions and many more. What is a human when you forgot to respect the emotions of your own parents and sister. And it is totally ridiculous that at the end of the day they blame their own parents and siblings for their bad temper and scoldings when they broke them into pieces. I can't recall any longer my parents enjoying a movie in a cinema hall, going to theatre and shopping for fun. They sacrifice everything they earn to live just to facilitate them the best education in Delhi and what they return to them is broken dreams and shame in front of everyone. If today's kids are going to behave in this way, it is even better no one should have their own kid. Better they fed those hungry one in the roads and provide education to those who want to live their dreams. 

Today I felt that I failed everything in life after so much of struggle, sacrifices and effort to see their dream to come true. Rather I would have been selfish, enjoy my life watching every weekend movie, buy the clothes from Zara and even throw my salary in a dustbin instead of spending on their education. At least I would have felt better thinking that I didn't do anything for them so they have become like this. What a waste of emotions and years I have invested on them. More than myself, I feel bad for my parents and I feel sorry for them that they sacrificed so much for them. Better they would have enjoyed their life and let them live in footpath, the way they deserved to be. Today I lost all my faith on them, I don't know I could restore that again to them. I don't mind breaking my own expectation and dreams but I can't forgive them for playing to my parents emotions. They have no rights to make them feel guilty of having them as their son. 

I have no grudge to them but only my pity that I could not respect their parent's emotions and they feel that it is so easy to play with them.