The man in the uniform!

Whole my life I always hated the man in uniform. May be it was the memory and the experience which has been deeply painted in my mind since childhood. When I was a kid mom used to ask to rush back home and live inside the home whenever the military colour huge vehicles stop by our village. Then while growing up, my school bag would be searched every early morning by the patrolling army and they would asked us every morning where are we heading to in their broken Manipuri ascent. In the cold and bitching winter we have to answer with a heavy breath and holding our sweating forehead that we are going for tuition in our school, to a place 11 km away from my home. Sometime they intentionally made us scared while asking questions like in what party we belong to and helplessly & hopelessly we would stand like an accused ready to take any punishment they would give us.

Every morning mom and dad would drop me till the road where my friends used to wait for me to start for our cycle journey till school. Whenever I go home and the voices of honking buses at 3 am would suddenly awake my fear and anxiety of living in those time. I woke up with a haunted fear of losing myself every morning where I had to face the patrolling armies at 4 am and answer their questions. I would always stand with teary eyes beside my friend Santosh who would be standing in a long line of men pulled out from the local bus every morning for body search. After so many years and almost a decade of living in Delhi, after learning the meaning of democracy, learning the law of this land and knowing how much injustice has been done to us as a human and citizen of this country, I can never forgive the state, every silent men and women of this country which colonized not our home but our soul every now and then. Their grief, their malice would surely give a smile to me and those who lost their lives to their silence. What made me broke down and cry every time I visit home is not the sounds of gunshots and bloodshed of state and non state armed groups but how we have become immune to the unnatural death of so many people who lived among us. The very unnatural trait of this phenomenon has been made so natural in our day to day life. It's just part of our life, everyone said.

I could recall the day I was coming back from school with Santosh and Issac and they have been isolated and carried away in a corner to question. I had to stand nearby our cycle holding their bags and praying from inside please God don't let anything happen to my friends. At the same time, I dream many horrible things about myself. What would happen to me, will they kill me too after they killed my friends and apart from that many horrible things even horrible than death which could happen to a girl. Sometime we started living with so much of suspicion among each other. While cycling 3-4 of us together in that tiny road I would be doubting on my own friends in school uniform and asking myself what if anyone of them have been found out as related to some banned organisation and what if we all have been caught. Every morning and night the only haunting dream of my parents were to see me coming back home safely. I never assumed whole my life those men in uniform are human, have a soul, have a body which can been killed, filled with veins carrying the same red colour fluid like in my body. I saw them as bunch of machine gun walking tall and I thought they are sent from another planet everywhere, jumping like the scary animals in some jungles with their thorny hats till the time I listen to the human behind that uniform.

The space I have always avoided whole my life was being interacted with man in uniform. I even avoid my friends husband or boyfriend who joined the institution of uniform and defense. I always hated that it's a place where human machine are manufactured, human robots are preserved. I makes me more annoyed was stupid foolish women going gaga over the man in uniform rather knowing the politics of this institution and uniform. One of my colleague said girls go crazy with man in uniform and  I won't be surprised if my fiancee said one day that he slept with a woman. You know girls are crazy about them. I just said hmm and said it depends, first we have to check whether they are really human. Then she got what I mean to say and never start that topic in the lunch table. I literally hate this kind of corporate women without a brain except they know is how to use computer and of course whatsapp or whatsass!!

But life gets you different lesson. It was the episode of Dhantewalla in 2010 which shocked me seeing 76 dead bodies of CRPF people lining up on the road, most of them belonging to the remote villages of UP and for the first time I shed some tears for those man in uniform while seeing their family crying in the tv news, their mud house, their old parents and half naked kids. That was the time I started knowing the double facets of victim-hood. Now also I do not want to believe that they join the force because they aggressively love their country and they know what is the meaning of nationalism. I was not crying for that made-to-believe machine in the uniform but of the man behind that uniform made up of blood and flesh and who has been killed as pawn in the war for nothingness but for the benefits of corporate and politicians. Let it be state or non-state armed people both the category belong to poorest of the poor group or middle class family who either fight for an empty stomach which has been kicked mercilessly or a family who eats basic non-nutritional food but dream of a comfortable life of a live-able home, a car, a family, a happy wife with a pride. Both the group do not belong to the dynasty of Gandhi, kings or whatever. I will not go to the question of nationalism and love of this country. Till now that's not even in my illusion, I can't understand whole my life and I hate aggressive campaign of nationalism by the upper caste people in this country and I do not believe in the existence of their nation excluding the poor, north east, kashmir, tribals, dalits, beggars and women at large and without those who die without knowing a life they have been gifted with this life.

Then here I met some snobbish type of girls in an institution and told me I really like that army guy. He is too smart and dress so well. That's the first time I got so offended about what someone I like. I was like no way what the hell I was doing from last one year. I need to get over and run away from what I'm thinking and shared what I felt to my close friend saying I'm so shattered. But it was after giving some thoughts I initiated to have a conversation with that man in the uniform. What makes me more vulnerable was knowing the very human, filled with blood and flesh, insecurity and loved of his own life and unlimited dream like anyone of us. May be knowing him helps me to break every piece of my hatred and instead I'm more able to understand and blamed the politics, institution and rules set against their willingness.

But I'm still left with the illusion that whether those girls who were going gaga over him was really ready to feel that human behind that uniform, feel the pain of that man in uniform whenever he leaves for his operation in a dense jungle when he know that he is fighting for an unknown enemy created out of nothingness and at the same time he can not do anything against the institution, system and the rules of military law. I do not know really how love, affection and attraction has been defined by the women of this era, by their computerized brain and whatsapp addicted heart??

 As far as I know them I don't think any of them seems to reads politics of Maoist, Army, CRPF, Dams, minerals-mines, patents, corporate, border and the very man in uniform who they have been going gaga. I could not even see the anxiety in the eyes of that woman to understand the fear in his eyes of his life, dream and a willingness to be like anyone of us to live a safe life. What made me really annoyed and irritated was what they saw in him. A brave machine with six peck, high-tech mobiles, his personalized vehicle waiting outside the institution to escort him, his short and smart hair cut, his biceps and his cleanly ironed dress, but in all the above description, there have not mentioned anything related to his being a human, that willingness to be loved, cared, blood, flesh, insecurity, pain, fear and dream! Or may be they are just wanting a prospective body they can perfectly advertised to the world. What the world believes, the brave soldier!! But what I know was different, he is just fragile, insecure, love his life, dream like us, feel the pain just like anyone of us, has the tear-ducts and it is not the politics of his uniform all I know but the human behind that uniform and only thing I hated were what all those women like to own and love, apart from his soul, all I hated was that uniform which made him look like undead and immortal to those girls!!!

Malice of a lover!!

I thought I have learned enough to live this life with full recipe of how to protect my own emotions and to be happy all the time. But there is nothing like you will be happy all the time. In fact  that sounds to boring and deadly for me. Some moments of pain, shattered and making you feel you almost lose yourself is something push you ahead in life. Also I rather learn how to understand the deepest meaning of love and who could be the one for whom I should even give myself only when I feel so much of pain because of a malice of a lover and a friends. No one truly wants your sparkling smiles, let it be your lover, let it be your friend howsoever close he or she is. And truly it's a human psychology. What I love most about this life is that something is always changing and moving ahead every now and then.Nothing is permanent and everything is so exciting. It does not give the feelings of wearing the same old clothe and same old honey money talks. I'm someone who brutally loves to be honest and who brutally hurts everyone around me including my own parents saying what don't want them to be interfered in my own life. So this rule applies to everyone. I guess, sometime I hurt people with such a straightforward approach but I always believe they later on learn to understand what I want from my life and what line I want to draw between us.

This birthday was a very special one especially because I was free on my own birthday and not having any exam. This is the only birthday where I was living with very special emotions of being in love with the one I have dream of for a year, having that keys in my hand of my own flat and being so positive for the first time. Everything looks so beautiful for a while and I know something sooner or later will come to test me again whether I really stood by where I'm now. A bigger challenge and a bigger change in my emotions. And of course it happened. Even before I'm not able to sink into the emotions of falling in love with a guy I dream of, he suddenly has to break the bad news and of course good news for himself. What not I have done for a whole night. Spent a cocktail night with friend, talked to every good friend, every pathetic person on the earth to know what I'm thinking and what is in my mind. That's very funny part of me. Because when I choose to take decision unlike any other person, pursue a life of my own believing on the set rule of my own, why the hell I had gone to that extend to listen to the pathetic suggestions of those who can't even take a stand on their own and living a life which I can not dream of myself. I would be lying if I say I never feel lonely, I never wanted to be with the man of my dream but that does not again mean that I should keep all the time in a vulnerable position that anyone can come and hurt me.

There is nothing good or bad about this life. Except thing we could do is doing what makes us feel good. I was suffocated from a day when he almost compare with a fruit that he no longer wants to eat and I was feeling terrible of my own position and saying to myself Oh God he took me in that way!!! Sometime it's is terrible and pathetic to feel terrible about yourself but one should always cross check instead of pulling down oneself whether it is worth or not to own such comparison and such position one has put you in his life. I know love is terrible and difficult but I'm more fond of love's unconditional stand and honesty. May be I'm losing that thing to so soon or may be I'm right now standing on a terrible shoes and may be I just need to get rid of it. So I just spoke to my college friends and just asked them to catch up with me in the one of the most peaceful place-among the books and spent the wonderful time with ginger tea and lots of sandwich. Before paying the bill I just said, hey I'm beginning a new episode of my life and I have learnt a new lesson in life today so let it be called as a break-up party and let me pay the bill. What love about my friend was that so many of them are frantically calling me, engaging me and asking me where I'm and what I'm doing all the time. Everyone of them just hate to see a serious, moody and non-smiling face of mine and making every possible effort to restore every piece of smile on my face. Sometime I can't imagine a life without all of them. Missed terribly Shreema who would listen patiently every piece of my narration and absorb to herself just to make me feel lighter. Suddenly she has to leave for Philippines and we are not in touch somehow when I spend the difficult one day of this year. Linda already made the cocktail plan in the midnight, Rohit keep on calling just to make sure that I'm alright even though he was busy with his exam, Neha and Akriti were tapping me every now and then just to let out everything in my mind, Lanleima is making call and messaging me every now and then even compromising her court time. Not to forget Vijay skipping his lunch time and talking to me almost an hour and Prabha reminding me I'm not what I'm feeling now and it will be just momentary.
 I don't know to whom I should thank of this life and for so many friends who would do anything to bring the smiles on my face. Once I changed to a new dress which my friends gave me as a birthday gift and I always kept to wear when he will be here in Delhi, I suddenly change everything in my mind. I adore myself with the best thing I had today. The new make up kits, the new dress, the new shoes. And I said I did not buy this to make others pleasant but to make myself feel good and look good. Once I step out from home and catch up with my friends in the small corner of the Oxford library with so many interesting books and discussing about my all time favorite politics, Arundhati Roy, insurgency, Maoist, CRPF and north-east, Kashmir, corporate I truely feel powerful and all that pathetic and pitiful feeling seems to have drained away at bay. I thought the library was almost filled with our debate, laughter and full of positive energy. Moreover no one was judging on other though we all have different opinion about our life, politics and parties. I thought how terrible humans are, we never acknowledge the love and affection of so many people around us but we literally run after the one who would bring the pain and malice in your life. With a smile I cam e back home and I know I'm writing all the bullshits out here in my blog but this is really making me feel awesome.

Above all this night I'm again falling in love with the person I'm, again I'm that person who sets her own rule, always believe in smiling even in pathetic situation in life, disbelieve in anti ageing cream for looking alive and kicking and finally I regain I idea of falling in love again even after I thought he will took away everything I had and left me without a hope.

I know I choose the most difficult path in my life to follow my heart unlike other, without even a spot of doubt then I should no longer fear the malice, pain, sadness and moments of breaking down into pieces when it comes to falling in love with the one dream of, though I just have to be careful of the proviso that, unless the person don't have enough respect and can't maintain the dignity of my own stand, rather started thinking that I'm just an easy piece to get rid of, I should be just leaving at that moment only. There is no time in life to own one's opinion in my life.What one holds as his/her opinion about me is the reflection of the socialization they have been brought up. I'm no one to correct them and make them a better person. The one who does not deserve a space should never be wasted with a space in your life or even in your room.

The Goddess who fall in love!!

The recent news of Irom Sharmila claiming everyone around her who has been her backbone for so many years becoming a threat to her life was one of the most saddening news. The reason behind such development was pathetic, unreasonable, unacceptable and pity to all those who can not see the human, woman, a heart behind this Iron lady. Why all of us pretending to be giving her so much respect, dignity when we can not simply accept that she is also a woman who can fall in love, wants the affection of a man whoever he is and wherever he belongs. She being one person who has sacrificed her life for the people of Manipur, North-east and fighting against the colonized law of India-AFSPA does not indicate that she become public property and a property to be divided, chased and sliced by piece by piece to the NGO, Govt, and to those who claimed to be supporting to her for so long. Here the question came into my mind is that are they supporting her with the hope that someday they will walk the red carpet with her if she is ever selected for a Nobel Peace Prize and live a King's life with that money? I will not assume that too for all those who support her and still hoping that whoever they are and for whatever reason they have supported her for so long, then so suddenly why they have been dragging the issue in such a dirty manner that the struggle she has fought for so long years ended with a story as similar to that of a Bollywood item girl's personal life.

Leaving her in her own space, letting her to take her own decision is the ultimate respect we can pay to this extraordinary woman who has sacrificed her life for everyone of us. None of us has the right to even advice her to whom she would fall in love and she should not fall in love because her struggle will be gone in a different direction. If we leave the decision to her whether to fall in love, marry a man and even to quit her struggle and settle down with the man she love, then whatever she did will be more counted, respected and taken in a dignified manner by the whole world. Just because we treated her like a Goddess, we should not assume that she is incapable of falling in love, want to be in the arms of a man she love, want to lead a life just like any of us. Every woman whoever they are a Goddess, a prostitute, a whore, Girlfriend, wife or in any name, they will always  need that love, affection and care from a man they love. I don't see any reason why we should make a hue-cry over Eche Sharmila falling in love with a British citizen, the man admiring her, falling in love with her from last three years, continuously writing to her is something we should appreciate and let them have their space and respect the relation. No one would want keep a camera in their bedroom, and comment in their personal life. The same has been expressed by Eche Sharmila, of her wish to be with the man she love without anyone's judgmental eyes. How come we all have turned blind and start judging her suddenly, forgetting her sacrifice just because she fall in love with a man who does not belong to our country, state and the community. We should at least stop keeping an eye on her personal life and trying to sabotage the whole struggle she has done. Those govt agency, Armed forces who are still willing to continue the draconian act must be laughing at the recent news of her personal life being focus and totally diverting the whole issue. It's our immaturity and extend of our bloody patriarchal system where our brothers, fathers and husband/boyfriend think that we are their property and we should be in their protection and mercy all the time. So as even if falling in love with a man which they can't accept for his belonging to some other state/country is truly showing our insecurity and reflection of an uncivilized society.

She has done nothing wrong. Even if she done something wrong then also none has right to comment, that's her life, let her spoil, enjoy and die in the manner she wants. She just fall in love just like any one of us. Love has no eyes to identify like us and then focus whether he belongs to our community or not. Better we learn soon and let the woman enjoy and live their life just the way they want. More you try to protect, prevent and jailed them in your sub-conscious mind, the more they will become rebellious, furious and who knows there will come a day , your own sister and daughter will abandon you and fight against men's psyche of insecurity. I still believe with the saying that Meitei women are most the courageous and rebellious who even fight against the colonizer British, so don't let their knife turn on yourself. Sharmila is our Goddess and we should celebrate that our Goddess has fallen in love and we should be happy that she will live longer, healthier and her fight will continue endlessly. This is protest against all those who try to sabotage her struggle, politicized her personal life, judge her personal life and make it dirty.

To all those media who highlighted the issue of her affair more than her struggle, I have only few words-FUCK YOU ALL !! She is not a Bollywood heroin for whom you can write anything, even their bedroom story and treat like a prostitute. If you don't know how to address her with respect and dignity, then you should never write anything about her. That shows your level, mentality and your country's standard. There is nothing to proud about it.

With this I would pray for a longer life for her.

The Terrible Two & Puzzle!

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
Sylvia Plath 

...Of course it is not a puzzle any longer to him and I should blame myself for what I thought the world has the people who would think the way you want, who would evolve the way you evolve many a times in one birth. May be I'm the only one among the lot, who has got the opportunity rather than guts to do so, to chase the dream you wish to, to live like the orphans who had nobody to interrupt your freedom and almost dream like a queen who has no one to question.

I'm not sure whether I'm lucky or rather a victim to endorse with so much of freedom and liberty to do what I want always in a time, faith and society which is bluffing me all the time with my emotions. Sometime I felt I'm rather a victim and trying to engulf and misuse my sense of purity to the emotions by those who could never dream of owning them. Everything & everyone came out to be just lie, unwanted, coward and pitiful this time and I'm literally confused who is wrong???

Should  I crush the man who has sold off his liberty to dream or the society which prostitute the human emotions in the name of tradition or the fallen faith and destiny which always threw me into a situation where I'm left with nothing in hand. Not even with a hope to dream again. May be all of them will line up one day and call me I'm just a fool who still do not know the reality of life. But I'm still too confused what is all about living with the reality? The world so far has defined it to me as something in which you have to lose yourself, rather become someone whom you can not be, rather shameful, coward and foolish. May be I need to rewrite a definition of my own though it may take years to scale its deepest truth. So far since the day I learn to dream of, I have never lose the hope of doing something new, something challenging, even falling in love with the most impossible man I have ever met but I never blame my faith for bluffing my emotions and I used to do believe and trust the destiny. Thought it will bring the things right for me but meeting so many flaws in the past few years, I have started losing my faith to the only hope I have in an unquestionable destiny. Is it really a way to prove me wrong or trying to strengthen my stand against the belief of the rest? Let it be, I don't want to think anything on this. Let the time tell, let the time come, either I will prove it wrong or they will make me wrong just to break me into pieces. Though I would love to spend the rest of my life gathering all those broken pieces hope, dreams and love, I would never surrender myself to something which I can not believe and live with it.

What else I can do and there is nothing wrong in dreaming, hoping and falling in love even for an impossible man. There is again nothing wrong, though painful, even to share a dream with a man who has no liberty to dream and fall in love. I only know, how beautiful it is to be lost in a dream of falling in love with a man you have been dreaming for so long; on the other hand I can not resist to feel the sadness of those blissful moments dyeing slowly in front of my own eyes. Every word of him, every note of love, every dream to escape to a dream land falls apart slowly without a destination. While I set back myself to a moment where he would be just sitting opposite of me and without a word, without a permission, I would keep dreaming for another day to come where I will be with him. For so long, he was too far from me though just sitting by my side sometime, and suddenly we become so close and more divided by a bigger wall where we stood like the untouchables though I'm left in a place which remain unchanged.

No one was wrong in their decision. Neither I nor him. I should let him stand in his position and take back what I dream off. Rather I would cherish the moments of my own and I would say I'm lucky to be enjoyed thoroughly even without his permission, more over without his notice for so long. Though I again have to prepare for another ceremony of his natural death in my dream with time and moments fading away from me and memories. Nothing is new, nothing is surprising, he will become another one among those buried one. And I'm ready to paint another canvas, so colourful, till it become pale and meaningless, until it gets the shades of my own. He will belong nowhere, in fact, nowhere!!!
  

Euthanasia of love!!!

Living in a place where lovers are killed, love is undignified, living with an assumption that everything is to be beautiful behind that curtain of marriage! I'm totally frustrated with the hypocrisy of people and their guts to boast a life about parents, society, tradition and culture and blah blah...as if those who could stand for love are wild animals, not tamed and trained. But the fact is that I'm proud to be one of the un-tammed, un-trained, wild animal who can die for love but can't live with hypocrisy and fake smile throughout the life. Those who are in love only knows how beautiful it is to be with the one you love, how hateful it is to be with the one you could never fall in love.

Love was everything I have ever wanted but unfortunately I landed in a land where love is all about ball, butts, boobs and obsession of physical needs. Agreed that relation revolves around both physical and emotion and both goes hand in hand but now a days its a fashion if a man think that he can kiss every passing woman on the road even regardless of a bad breathe, I guess. I do not know how many of them ever learn to see into the eyes of a person, feel it, watch him/her silently, passed a ignorant smile and follow the footsteps of the love. I do not know how far love has touched to the heart of this huge population who seems to be too lost with the smart phone like the monkeys hugging the coconut helplessly. After seeing all of them I cry for mercy killing of the love, only thing which makes human different from rest of the animals or a civilized animal.

Seems like I'm finally defeated and I have to agree with myself that love has been killed long ago and it would be just a dream which remain as a dream to be ever find a love. It's a terrible world where emotions are sold off for everything and I'm literally tired trying to still save that little human inside me in a jungli-zed society. So far wherever he is, whatever he does, I still miss those silent walk following his footsteps, waiting for him in a road where he would never turn up, trying to mimic his smiles, even smiling alone while catching up with him in my own memories. At least I love his guts to show his affection to me regardless of what we are for each other. I do not understand any longer why people live such an unsecured, cowardice life. They can not enjoy the love, emotions which sprouts like a rare spring from their own heart but gives a huge lecture on society, culture and tradition.

Love was something which taught me everything, just lying on the bed in my room in home as a teenager and reading Dr. Kamal's novel Madhabi, made me feel the pain of Urirei when Biren left for his study in Shillong, even holding my heavy heart with an imagination that what if someday my love left me in such a way. What a bizarre reality I live today, everything ends with such a pity death of human soul. All looks walking, talking, smart zombie. Really missed the way my aunties used to fall in love with their boyfriends, walking out silently from home in my father's absence, taking me along with them so that my father won't question them where they were, exchanging some sweet talks before they depart for the day and of course passing a letter to her hand with a shy smile. Love was never been an embarrassment, defamation and useless as it is treated in the modernized society. And the most romantic memory I had about them was about my aunties knitting sweater for their boyfriend to gift them in new year day. I recalled my aunty knitting a yellow sweater copying those days Salman Khan's sweater in Maine Pyaar Kiya. I never understood at those days how was love all about but it seems like though my blood and breathe that every sense of purity of love have been inhaled deeply. I'm still searching for that lost scent of love though I'm sure by now that it had the most unnatural death long ago.

 I'm too jealous of all my aunties now. Living here is like a life-imprisonment for me, a slow poisoning of my own emotions and at the end of the day loosing myself. It was in twelve, our English teacher taught the chapter of Titanic and I almost had the sleepless night of so many days thinking that how painful it would be losing the one you loved. Sir Thoiba's lecture on Manipuri famous story of lovers Kadeng-Thangjahanba and Tonu Laijinglembi almost made me fall in love with the strange and wildest notions attached to love. Everything seems to have been killed and I'm just trying to touch a mirage which no longer existed.

Somehow while coming back late today and travelling alone in the metro, I was missing him and his smile which he always try to hide from me and everyone but obvious to me and to everyone too. What makes him different from the rest was the invasion of a smile on my lips whenever I remember him. I only wish if I can keep hold of the moments but everything is gone with time though it could not erase shadows of his smiles. I never had an expectation from him and no dream of future with him but it was a boundless affection and careless smiles which I missed the most today. That respect, emotions and care was something which I will cherish about him forever. I know everyone finds us weird, mischievous and kiddish but it was of emotions which we never thought of controlling and judging from the beginning. I was prepared of his going even from my nocturnal dream but I was very sure of one thing that he will never leave me even with a droplet of tear in my eyes. As I assume so, he walked away from my dream, hope and memory from a time when I was ready to walk in another path of life and of a new dream and of a new bond.

I do not mind people judging me whether I'm old fashioned or anything but whole my life I'm ready to die to find the one who will bring back that magical wing of the lost love but I could never witness the euthanasia of love.

I live with what I believe till today, life was never interested for me to do only what others expected me of doing. At least I promise to myself that I will never lie to my emotions, and it will remain true forever. Till I die, I'm ready to fight thousand other winner-less war to restore every piece of love from its honour killing!!

Just questions & questions....!!!

Landed at home after two years for a week visit. Had the sleepless nights from a week for a dream of seeing the land which exiled me thirteen years before and seems like she wanted to disown me forever. Lived all these years in Delhi with the mirage of dream, hope and love of the land where I no longer live. Dream about mother's morning taunting call, dad's impatient hobby of  restlessly modifying the home, the endless argument between me and father and so on. But this time, the visit to home seems something else. I came back with such a heavy heart, I do not even watch in the eyes of my mother, I don't want to cry just like I stepped out thirteen years ago. Seeing the lonely school road, the kids cycling for morning tuition, every scene in front of my eyes seems to have questioned me what I'm thinking and what road I have chosen in this life and why?

Walked the lane where we used to play when we were kids and recall the incidents how we used to wake up  3 am in the morning and run just like life has no worry. Life was about dream, hope and love unlike today. Still I'm lost in this war of living between dream and reality. Everyone seems of run after after the reality of the life, while I'm too much engaged with my questions on existence of such reality. Everything was good, memorable and I missed the most the laughter I shared with my mother, youngest sister and me during the dinner. Laughing like there is no one else in the world to trouble us and we were the queens of a dreamland. Left hope with extremely heavy heart and as usual many memories try to encroach in my mind while I'm still confused with the such enchanting dreams of the present.

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed the trip to home especially the lunch in my place with all my friends then heading to the Loktak Lake for boating and followed by a trip to the most beautiful place Ukhrul. The visit to ukhrul was the most exciting thing trip ever happened in my life, except that we should not have eaten the unwanted call for the lunch in the zombie's house. Life taught us so many lessons and this would be one where I would have to take a stand and let know the people that whatever you are, whoever you are, you are no different from a toothless zombie when you do not know the etiquette of being a human living in a civilized society. The mood of whole trip was spoiled by one just episode though I still try to bring in my memories the scenic beauty of Ukhrul in a full moon night. I'm not sure I would get another chance in this lifetime to watch the moon caressing the falling slopes of the hills while the restless cloud watch it with so much of jealousy. It was a moment of this lifetime. Unforgettable and undying.

This home visit seems to special with so many walls built between so many relations and so many new relations again sprout in my way. Some looks promising, some looks just another chapter of this life. I'm excited and I'm scared too. Again it's an endless war between my willingness to follow the dream, do the wildest things in the world to fulfill what I dream for and a fear which is holding me from living it fearing of a future where I will have to face another chapter of life, of love, hurt, departure and living with the memories of those buried ones. As of now, I'm thinking nothing and just seems like I'm too much pull away in this tide of freedom to fall free with no one to catch hold of me. Even I'm not sure, it's gonna be a dream, hope or just another way of life trying to teach me the reality and asking to understand from past experiences. To many questions, too many walls between so many relations of this life, I'm no longer capable to thinking what is right and what is wrong. But after-all who defined us so far what is right and what is wrong? Isn't it just a part of life which we are made to come across and redefine our dream? 

I hate to say this!

I know I'm the most arrogant woman and always hate to show my tear in front of a man! But as of now I have to write, console and think right that all people are not same and cruel. And I still want to reconfirm my believe that there are people who can see the tears hidden behind layers of this arrogant face and this lady can cry all alone whole night without telling anyone.

Today, I seem to lost all my faith to everyone. I have never been so upset, feel weird and disgusting for so long. Moreover I have never seen one with such cruel face. And why suddenly I missed you so much today. Just because you always tolerated me, bear my temper, understand my frustration, responsibilities or what not? But at last still I have to be rude and say the same thing that you too were a coward for the fact that you too choose to leave and follow the whole crowd, forgetting that whatever we are, whoever we are, we will land someday only within a graveyard.

Why I feel so pathetic today is not because something bad is happening or has happened in my life but I saw the most cruel face of a man and love being killed and dyeing with such an insulting end. I wish I have the courage to forget and forgive him. Meanwhile when I saw the worst scene of my life today, when I saw one love abusing another, I suddenly could not stop doing a round trip in my mind how you have treated me. I don't know what we called our relation was, never wanted to give a name and bound for lifetime but I wish every man has the courage to love a woman like you do with so much of dignity. Most of the fight, most of the argument was because of my frustration over not able to handle my responsibility towards my family but you have not even used a single abusive word towards me, forget about raising your hand and showing me you are a man and m a weaker sex.

I still hated you for being a coward but don't know there will be another man on this earth who could understand me better than you do. I know I was never fair with you whenever there is a fight and it should be always a win-win condition for me but never say that I was wrong. Just talking to my friend saying I'm too disturbed today because of some reason and I wish you were here to say that I'm the most different girl and I could never be wrong. Sometime it feels too bad how I made hell out of your life even making you run from one place to another in the middle of the night but I think everything was happened to make me learn a lesson that the world is full of pathetic people but still someone like you will be there to stand for me without expecting anything in return. And it hurt me more whenever my friends said, you know he was unconditionally good to you and we wish everything ended with a good note.

But something else was written and you wrote that end for which I can never give an excuse to forgive you. You try to hurt me even after you are gone for so many months by making me realized how good you were to me and why the fuck you had to go like a coward to that hell!

May be by writing this I'm feeling much better and may be it is just like before, how I used to spit all the Hindi and English slangs in my vocab in any of our fight and try to hurt you intentionally thinking that I was always the winner. 

Why I need to write..??

Before I attempt to write poetry back in the year 2009, my first short story was written after I narrate a story of a woman in our locality to my friends and the fateful incident happen to her. I was in class XI and could recall the horrifying and most ashamed thing happened in my locality though everybody thinks that they were right.

Well, poetry was revived after a long time, in fact after the school days though I used to write so many things in my diary but not in the form of poetry. English is one of the most difficult language for me as I have studied from Manipuri medium till my high school and one reason why  I still make it a habit to write any damn thing in my diary was to overcome the language constraint and also to free myself from any burden. There were times, I can not say all the things to parents, friends and when I feel terrible about something, I usually write in my diary only. There were many things which I just wrote, never to read again. It was like a meditation and a treatment for me. Bought the first diary when I was in class, when nothing to write, I used to open English-Manipuri dictionary and used to keep a record of the most difficult English words. Still I wish to keep a beautiful diary and write everyday before I sleep but already addiction with laptop and internet is getting me no time.

So many things lined up, I do not know where to start. Moreover, I just want to give a final touch to the two landmark story, I have ever attempted so far. The draft of the story has been spread among so many of them, some part of the story seems to be diluted. Sometime it hurts when your interest conflicts with your profession. While I have to do a 8 am to 5 pm job for five days and then engage with so many other things, no time is left to even open the draft of the story.  My only dream of completing those two stories is because I want to tell the story of those two women and what happened to them. Every time I sit down in front of my laptop, I feel guilty of not completing the story and it was a burden to me for so long. So far, I try to adapt the best and worst part of their life but still I don't want to compromise with my writing when I'm narrating their story. That's my commitment to the social crime happened to those women. I wish to show to the world that they are the real hero and not those who drag them to a level where they live with shame. As a research to complete their story, I used to talk to many people in the locality, but no one still say a good word and have mercy towards them. It seems like world was cruel for them and I also watched her when she was insulted by the whole community without her fault. Well, hope I will pull up all my courage to portray as they wish to live without anyone's scrutiny in their life.

As I'm going home in few days, I'm just reviving my memory and I hope I'm ready for the last touch to the story after my home visit. Hope I can just walk around see their children and how their life has been changed from rich to rags in the one decade.

Scent of my Home!!

Trying to grasp with the lost scent of the homeland, not through the fragrance of the flowers, not through the melodies in the distant hills but the echoing songs of the gunshots that ceaselessly singing like the unbeatable July rain. Worth remembering was my first Diwali in Delhi, I got numb and hide behind the door hearing the sound of the crackers and I just thought the scent of the home followed me till my doorstep in Delhi.

September !!

When there were so many reason 

and the time was just right 

We did nothing and said nothing

We have told other people 

We love them, at the same time

We have leant on other's shoulder

feeling sense of total trust

Could it not happen?

Could it happen?

You, here for all these years

Me, for all these years
Our path have never crossed
except on this September night..!!

Time...!!

Like the Autumn leaflets, everything falls 
I fought like the warriors 
Gruesome time went away 
Slipped from my hands
Towards tomorrow
Leaving nothing to keep with me 
Memory, your smile 
All are scattered in the wind 
Never to come together
You and I , the lost worriers 
Against this unsanctioned clock of life..

Ode to my first Love!

Everything is allowed in our society except expressing what you feel. I think this is one challenge which led me to find out my first love and have even work so hard to be with him someday. Destiny has some other plan and that I do not know what is stored in future but I'm simply a happy go lucky girl now. I'm in love with my life now, hardly complaint about what I do and I do not think twice now unlike other woman but I simply can fall in love with a man without pros and cons. Finally, I'm able to identify love sans the materialistic and there lies the sense of being in love even without a bonding of a relationship. Love is all about you being happy even in the memory of a person who may or may not be living with you.

I like experimenting people's reaction when I asked them about weird non-traditional questions and I keep doing that since school days. This time I told my friends that I'm going to say a guy that I want to date him despite of knowing that there is no possibility of future for us. Just because I find him extremely handsome, attractive, charming and a good human. Everyone drop their cup of tea, no he is that kind, he is not that kind, you can not do that, he still belong to that family, that society, that community, that caste and so on. The direction of whole communication changes to a social drama; I was like watching real life Styagraha, a social drama. I got really pissed off and said why did not you object when a friend of ours married to a man without even liking him and his family just because she is turning 30 years and she won't get a suitable husband once she crossed that age. Which one is more important for you all and why are you all act like a moralist? I continue my argument saying I just said I want to express my feelings for him and I did not say anything beyond that. Did I say I'm going to pursue him, leave my job and fast unto death if he deny or if he says he does not have any soft corner for me. You guys are suicidal, why so judgmental about him just because he belong to a community we do not like it and I do not know where you all belong to. I added saying that you all will say yes go ahead if I say I'm ready to compromise and marry that guy whom I do not even want to see his face though he belong to my community. I know what is going on in the society better than anyone of you but it is just that I do not want to follow it and don't feel it worth to just jump in the bed with a person whom I'm not in love. One of them argue that what if he deny and cut all the existing relation with you and we do not want to see you hurt? I said I'm ready to accept happily whatever is his response as he has the right to make his choice and if cuts off everything with me then it's simple file work, I will add another name in my list cowards and losers. Above all once he become one of them, I can no longer have respect for him and love will cease automatically. That was the end of the conversation and somehow I'm rather affected by their conversation and decided to keep mum over the things we discussed.

Even my friends said why do you give credit of your writing and poetry to your first love and he is such a big loser. They told me about their meeting with him when they gave them a copy of the book. I said, leave him aside, he has not grown up yet. I told him I like him when I was just 19 years and till now if he thinks that I'm in hang over just because I honestly think that he was the reason for me to start writing in the late '90 then I'm not in the mood to explain to him. Whatever he thinks is not my headache now. Let him think but I honestly feel that I should thank him for inspiring me in those days, I even name my mother as one reason for writing, so what is the big D? I will not hesitate to name him as the one, from whom I learn the meaning of love, lost, anguish, pain and every emotions associated with him. I would not be an honest person towards others if he he has not betrayed me and did not make me feel that how painful it is when someone you love hurt you, cheat on you. That's one reason I always make sure that I never hurt anyone intentionally who are in love with me and I learn to show the utmost respect to the one who shows affection towards me unlike him.

After all, do you think that a chemistry student who was struggling in Miranda House to even write a correct sentence in English would be obsessed of  writing three volumes of diary within the span of four years with full record of every exchange of letters, postcards and mail between us. I would never know why was love so beautiful that let walk in the rain and be with him though he stayed miles away from me at those days, if not I was in love with him. No one has got the privileged to lost in a dream and even forgotten that she was travelling in a crowded north-east train and unbeaten by the hot north summer and even smile at everyone, if not he did not pay a surprise visit before I left home. Last but not the least, I would not have been so poetic and experiment too much about it if he has not hurt me and broke all the dreams about us and moreover for destroying his own image of good boy, papa's boy. I learnt to live with the reality, I learnt to trust people after knowing and I learnt that love was for me all the time, within my heart, it does not go away with him but he was just a person who was not destined for my precious love. But I'm not the unlucky one just because he denied and cheated on me. It's him, who will be condemned by the love whole his life, not me. I learnt from him that love is the most beautiful and irrational emotion which could ever happen in our life. I know he is not an honest guy, he cheated on me knowingly, play with my emotions and so on reasons but I was crazy for him even after knowing everything. I spent 7 years of my precious life just writing about him, piling up 3 volumes of diary, thinking about him, crying about him, searching him in every face, looking for his smile in every falling image but at the end of everything I have realized that love is not about possession and after our last conversation back in the year 2005, I have never called him, even asked anyone about him though I keep writing every possible dreams of a future where we would meet again and that never happen too. Even I tore up every expectation in my life about falling in love again with any other person because of him and spent hours in the place whenever I go home while trying to keep hold of the moment where we were laughing together and he was showing his photos of new college, future plan, his new friends and I was giggling about my new life in Delhi, new friends and how much I wish to come home as soon as I finish my study to be with him and my family.

Everything changes drastically, I never gave up, but it was the destiny which has given up on me. More than me, my mother was hurt of what I went through and sometime asked me if I'm seeing someone else? I said, do not worry everything is set and will fall in place and we do not need to run after it and I just have to fall in love where my heart say so. People commented frantically to our poem as love sick poem, that's too harsh for people to disregard one's expression of emotions in the purest form. I think our poems are rather a celebration of love and it's world than being sick of love and lovers. No one in our society, especially women express their emotions, that's nontraditional, irrational and unacceptable. Love means marriage, if not that is immoral, what's moral is agreeing to sleep with a stranger by giving a name called husband, that's society's custom. Whatever stand I took till today is against this and I will do the same for the rest of my life too. I know my friends are concerned about me but I feel that it is crazy sometime if they ask me to date every good friend of mine. I wish love is something I can manipulate and love only those who would not hurt me, but this does not happen all the time. May be you can still call me crazy, but I still enjoy the most irrational way of falling in love with an impossible man. Yes, you all deny my theory of asking for a date to the new guy but do you guys think that he is that stupid and dumb who could not see from my smiles, over zealous expression whenever we met and about so many things I have said and written about him. Though I'm not sending a confidential and secret letter of saying what I feel, I have almost done my part saying him all I can say when we got the chance to meet earlier. And I'm least expecting of any fall out between us and as of now I do not rate him as a coward. Here again, I still thank my first love for teaching me to fall in love with the eyes of a man and notice that emotional flow in his face just like an unstoppable flow of a river.

Home!

Things have been changed or I'm have become immune now to whatever situation happened to the home? I'm still trying solve this puzzle. When I was quite new in Delhi and whenever I heard of any gunfight or bomb blast in home, I used to get so scarred and in case I did not get through my father's office land line number, I would start crying in the telephone booth. As usual we used to line up in the telephone booth and the only thing we were confirming was that our parents and family members are safe and not among the people who are killed or hurt.

Yesterday, there was a twin blast in Nagamapal which killed nine people and hurt 13 more but I did not call home immediately. I pick up my mobile then drop it again without a reason. In the night called mom, asked where has father gone and got hyper unnecessarily saying why he has not come home till 9 pm when the situations are so bad. Mom trying to calm me down saying nothing happens here. Its too far, bomb was blast was in Imphal. While having dinner, brother said, there are two bomb blast in Imphal, I just replied to him without answering to his answer-do you still want to go home? He was arguing with me since March after parents left Delhi to visit home. I know it will sound weird when I do not want my brother to go home but may be I'm too scared with my own thought of what if something happens to them. I would go crazy and will try my best effort to stop them whenever they asked about going home. I kept saying things may get better in next year so you go home at that time, sometime I said, you can go home with me when I plan next time.

Things are worst in my place because of its being one of the most favorable place for transit to every neighboring place. Most of the news of army's operation at night due to troubling neighbor's association with insurgents, brother being questioned by the commandos are just a hearsay information to me so far. But it did really happened when I was in Delhi, except that parents have preferred to hide it from me. When my uncle was alive things were better because of his earlier association with BSF but after his death, things got worst. My useless neighbor's free lunch dream and rumors of their association with the insurgents are really giving us a bad time for the last few years.

Just a month away for the home journey. Excited of the fact that I have not gone home for the last two years but so many things are there to worry also. What if there is a general strike, what if there is another gun fight or bomb blast or another national highway blocked. In all the situations we will be like a house arrested criminal without an option to step out of the home for a week and will re-pack the bag and struggle to catch the flight by taking a route where there is no sign of protest. Hope we have a pleasant journey to home this time.

Whatever it is, home is always home. Till the last breath, we will always love it and we can't even die peacefully without worrying about our home. 

Death sentence-an end to rape?

Even the death sentence seems to be not a justice to for the heinous crime of rape. But is the real solution to deter the rape in the rape city and of course the rape continent. Recently a survey indicated that 1 out of the 10 men in Asia confessed that they have raped a women. Reason being for entertainment, boredom, to show their muscularity or so on. 

The whole mass is rejoicing with the death sentence of the four accused and deep down the line I could not stop crushing this society for which even these rapist are victims. On the one side for the rape and torture they have done to the girl, I have to pity for them even if they are burnt. But don't really need to sit down and think what make them inhuman, not even an animal. While reading the statement of the judge saying that rod has been inserted to her body, her abdomen has been destroyed and her body part has been pulled out, I could not stop my tears. I just take a deep breath, trying to control from crying and said who make these monsters? I do not really know whether they could still be judged, rectified or talked in the human language. Not even an animal would do to another animal just like they did to the girl. Quite upset for the whole day thinking what would have gone through to the parents and brothers standing in the court watching them and hearing again and again that how much they torture their daughter and sister. She has left for a better place but her family will live with such a miserable pain throughout their life. 

She was still too young and has not lived her life and I really wish she got little more time to enjoy this beautiful life which is given only once. When I lost my cousin when he was just 24 years in an accident, I kept asking why so soon and keep blaming the faith but at least in years I'm able to reconcile thinking it's just the way we live. But when someone like Nirbhaya has been killed so unnaturally, it's unforgivable for all the rapist and this society should also own the responsibility because we are also played making the monsters in our society.    

Instead of just rejoicing with the death penalty, would it be better every parents start teaching their sons to respect the women and let them enjoy their life instead of encouraging their useless man-ego. Saying that oh you are a boy or man, you can do anything. Still this death sentence is not going to deter the crime against the women, in some years it will become like another dowry law. Till now we have so many legitimized laws under which rape is not taken as a crime. All the political parties came under one umbrella while rejecting the Justice Verma commission which includes the marital rape and bringing the armed forces to try by ordinary court while committing a crime at the personal level such as rape. So there are thousand questions every women like me would ask that would rape would be allowed if it is by husband or by the armed forces.

 Until and unless when rape as a concept of man flexing their muscle power against the women and their mindset of  thinking that women can be tortured this way, it can not be eradicated. Above all these, the male chauvinist pigs who gives speeches in the form of politician, bureaucrats and leaders should stop blaming like why women are walking in the road in the night, why did they wear that kind of clothes and she is of that type of character. For instance, prostitutes sale their body for survival but even they are not allowed to rape if they don't give a consent to it. So what is the need would be not eating gulab jamum in the death sentence  of the rapist bt rectifying your own kid so that they don't become another rapist and another women. It was surprising when RSS leader addressed the mass that it was the fault of the girl why she was out of the home in the late hour? To add to this many politicians rather blame on the girl who are raped,. Same comment has been passed by our own Delhi CM Sheila Dixit, commenting on the 2005 rape case of the Mizoram girl in the Dhaula Kaun. 

What India needs to change is to come out of highly morale society where they are making human bomb who can explode any time once they are out of the home.The morale, respect and their humanity ends they step out of their home. Their respect to elders, women and other male counterparts is for show off only. What is the point when you shout from the roof top that we are highly cultural society when you can't even teach your sons to respect women, at the same time when you always ask your daughters to compromise their freedom, respect and dignity for the sake of your meaningless dignity and culture. May be India just have to come out beyond this image of being the sacrosanct country while still rated as the rape country. Better is to understand the changing society, mindset of younger and give them the space to breath and live beyond the suffocating cultural factory of rapist and murderers. 

Just like a long lost lover!

Somehow in my words, in my deeds and in my talks you have become a reason to laugh and bring a smile for the past few months. And finally I'm feeling sad of the fact that everything will go away with time. The time will swallow every remnants of the memory. Of your smile, of your laughter and I do not know I'm trying to gather everything and bind them so hard that it never left my memories. Nothing have been told between us except through the eyes and the smiles across the crowd. I know you do not think anything serious about any kind of emotional involvement neither do I but every part of the memory was a reason to smile and laugh for me. That's only reason I was left at that time. I know we stand poles apart and there could never be a meeting point. I never thought of losing of a such a moment, everyone seems to be moved on including you, except me, seems to be still standing there and waiting for you all alone.

 How would I even tell you that I even had the most painful wait of this lifetime, without even having the courage to tell that for hours I waited across the road where I used to wait for you. Every weekend just passed by mercilessly and I thought at least in a faithful Saturday you would suddenly cross my way and pass a smile just like earlier. With a hopeless thought I search for you in the crowd with series of cup of tea and used to spend hours. What I miss the most is the way we hide our smiles and you obviously know the reason why I ask you so many questions sometime and why I even get so annoyed when someone else try to get your attention. May be it was for the first time for me, I saw somebody with such a true emotions in the eyes.
Somehow I felt that at least you have the respect for what I'm, you do not deny the way I used to adore you without a spotless mind. At least you don't insult me with a response that how could you do that being a girl?I felt that every moment was a miracle when you come in front of me, as if something is going to change forever and nothing bad could happen to me again when I'm with you. I'm still trying to paint every enduring moments of those few months. I wish it was just longer than this life and we tend to forget the beginning and the end. Or does it become so nostalgic and unforgettable because it was for a little time and we have to walked our way apart just as it is decided.

 I'm sad for the fact that everyone said, it was just a fun part and you have to move on! Why I have to move on, when there is an undying smile which keeps me alive, which dazzles like raindrops reviving my soul. In another thought, it just looks like my own imagination and nothing was there to be serious. I hate the hypocrisy of this world when I'm not even allowed to even say what I feel for you but they will sleep at the end of the day with a stranger in the name of marriage.

Somehow it seems like I also have to go with the flow of the time till the memory lapse without living a space to remember you and your smiles. But I will never let you die and will paint every memory we had in those beautiful days in every pieces of my pages. That will be a true ode to you and my love for you. Last and for all I have never hesitated in saying what I felt till today but your bastardy society is so dirty that there is no space for such love. Let it have the most peaceful death!

Sleepless in Delhi :)

Mom correctly say that do not ever make fun of someone's misery, it falls on you so quickly in the Kali youge. I was talking with a friend about a frantic call from a college time friend about asking some urgent money requirement. I was just confirming whether she is still honest as I'm afraid of her liability. First of all, she lied in the first word of call. My friend told me, don't try to argue with her, she is facing lots of problem and even having sleeping problem so eating pills. I just said, oh poor girl, she really messed up everything as usual!

I came back home so tired and hectic schedule in office, then routine work in home and trying to sleep by 1.00 am, my usual timing. Suddenly I felt so awkward, uneasy and it was like those horrible days where I used to spent the whole night writing poetry, watching movie and sometime walking alone in the terrace without even talking to anyone. That feelings of emptiness seems to encroach my space of comfort life after years. Bad days, bad people! But I'm hardly affected with any of his news nowadays and I don't even bother he is dead or even become a prime minister. I try to sleep by reading some boring chapters, even trying to write the worst things in the world but quarter to 3 am I could not resist myself from crying while watching the movie Sleepless in Seattle and my favorite Tom Hank. I felt more horrible because I don't know why I was crying. I repeatedly thinking what happened to me and was there anything to worry? I even asked myself the most weird question? Am I in love with the charming guy in my mind? Then again I rejected the question, nope! Love never comes beyond Sharukh Khan's screen in their world, so cut the big crap!

It become more weird when I only remember so many wonderful things happened in this month. My wishes to walk in the Vizag beach, roaming with best buddy in Hydrabad, and so many good news about Tattooed with Taboos, everything was so fulfilling. Then I gave the liberty to my tears, let it fall until it gets tired and dry. After a soulful cry I felt so content and it was like falling in love again. I wish I can dedicate the wonderful tears to someone I do really love. Alas! No one was there in mind for whom I can cry for.

With a smile and love in mind about a dazzling smile, I fell asleep, just to open my eyes again before 7 am in the morning. And I thought why not have a sleepless night in Delhi, if it can happen in Seattle. Got into the kitchen, make breakfast and get ready for office only to surprise everyone "how come Chaoba, you came so early?" . But who knows that I was enjoying the Sleepless in Seattle in real life :)

Silencing those voices!

Finally I'm hatting the social networking especially Facebook. Bunch of crook people ready to judge if we talk of the topics out of the box. Only reason why I'm still engaged in Facebook is that it gives me a boost to write, think and sometime feel encouraged with some friends honest opinion. If you talk about politics, about love, about relation, about feminism and gender conflict then you are gone. That's happening with me.

I love thinking about what should I write, even a simple conversation with a friend, I try to make it in a nice line and make it poetic. That's how I try to improve my writing and command in the language. Above all, I do not care what people are tagging me with any name. Let it be. But it does surprised me with their questions. After all I'm not writing to become answerable to anyone of them. I know even among the friends they find me weird because I talk about politics, parties, gender and my conflict situation with the religious and God-loving people. They said why do you bother? This annoyed with more than anything. What we should be talking all the time. About the boyfriends, how nice it was his new haircut, how sexy he looks like, all the time and 24 x 7. Forgive me I could never do that. I can not be in a conversation of men, marriage, kid and shopping not more than an hour. I do have my limits. After all I'm never impressed by kind of  men whose attitude and personality are only identifiable by their branded clothes and socially and politically looks totally dumb and stupid. So as I can not tolerate a man who talks all the time about zero size woman and their horny dreams.

There are so many topics we can engage and have fun while talking and all of them are relevant to our day to day life. It's our negligence to talk, discuss and analyse the things around and just following what others are doing, later on we can not blame when it becomes a culture and burden to us. And we can't blame men for not understanding. If you are not interested in talking about the things related to your life who will take charge and discuss about it. Here comes the major reason of lack of participation of women and those who stood up become a victim of the mass including of their female counterparts.

We have many examples whose voices are silence in many ways by threat, by killing, by eliminating them from their way and that's reason we still stand in a place where everything looks motionless for women, having no option but following to the already set laws/norms/culture.

Why we still feel that making law, bringing the change, voicing against the wrong doers is only a men's job and we have no part to play in it other than talking about what should we cook in the dinner, what colour of bed sheet/curtain will be suitable to my bedroom, how can I impress my boyfriend/husband, what dress he will like? It's quite pity so far, so many educated women can not engage their conversation beyond this topic. Those who does the talk are ostracized and treated as a alien.

Why don't we admire Arundhati Roy, Medha Patkar, Banerjee Bhuto, Kiran Bedi, Taslima Nasreen, Mahasweta Devi and so many of them who change the niche of woman from kitchen to politics and society at large. Do we still have to follow what our mothers have done, taking care of our father and washing their family clothes and at the end of the day living in their mercy. I'm not being pessimistic about family life. No one can better understand a family life than me and I don not need a lesson to it. I know how it is like adopting and taking care of two teenage brothers in Delhi. Everything is possible, even managing them and living a life of my own, having a career, social life, talking about politics and so many things. But simply denying to talk and even discuss of the raising issues around us will be a foolish step for all of us and we are already bearing the consequences of the man-made laws, rules and culture.

It was just few years back, the school going girls are forced to wear sarongs, then asking us not to wear jeans, in future they can ask us  to wear a veil and we should not be surprised if we ignore to talk, discuss and bring it a negotiable table where we can also talk about what a woman want from their life apart from obliging to the set rules of patriarchal organisations in our society. 

Coding with a name??

Some friends including women brand me and Shreema as men-hated feminist. And this is something really funny and sometime annoying for the fact that giving an appropriate answer to a man who unreasonably show off his male ego is not an anti-men and this is not called a task of feminism. My way of calling a woman a feminist is not about asking the men and society that "I want to be like man" but simply asking don't encroach my space, let me enjoy my womanhood. I never wish to be a man, simply I don't have any intention to hate every man though most of them are not worth of loving.

It's a vague allegation that feminist hate man and they are against the man ideology. But the fact that feminist are the only women who can love a man without attaching to any social and material benefits. The only woman who can love a man for what he is; without looking for a gain and status is a feminist but they will never compromise their individuality and that may be a threat to most of the man. But branding them as man -hated bunch of women is a false implication. So far I set free my man to walk away from my life without even asking him to stay back for a moment when he chooses a different path then it does not mean I hate him or do not want to be with him. It's simply giving space to someone to enjoy their own freedom of taking a decision, I will never bind a man with few teardrops, blackmailing or whatever, that's beyond my dignity and that will disguise my concept of being in love. I believe in setting someone free and I don't believe in showing off to the world and society in large that we are together for a decade while they are not even together within four walls of the room.

Nowadays its a trend a husband and wife saying each other "I love You" and I miss you in Facebook and other social media. And literally I wonder when they even write they had wonderful sex in their marriage and this is how people are so obsessed of maintaining their image as so called lovely-dubby couple when they are pole apart even in their bedroom. Once a friend called me and we were seating in a restaurant to catch up after a long time and after 15 minutes what he started was about how his wife is nagging him and he being in trouble as he can not divorce her and from next day onward I stop taking his call but I still show both of them doing all kind love you honey in Facebook. I don't understand the meaning of such marriage and even maintaining a relationship of such kind. Why I hate such type of men is that they don't even have the respect of the woman whom he is sharing a bed and who else he can respect in this world? And I don't see any point of even sharing a conversation with such men who would open their mouth to criticize their own wife.

When I'm fond of someone or even in love I can not hide and it's very obvious from my behavior towards him. People are so conscious and so judgmental when it comes to someone telling their true emotions but how hypocritical they are when it comes to showing off. My concept of feminism is living in a world where I can freely express my love and saying freely to a man that I owe him my love without any fear of judgement. In school, I hardly interact with boys in my class and they all branded me as men-hated women. But I left everyone with a stunt face when they came to know that I asked out for a coffee date to my senior, who everyone thought of belonging to a different status. And everyone judged me as dominating girl who did something odd and out of tradition. When we broke off after his two-in-one theory was unfolded, everyone judged me again saying it was ought to happen instead of understanding my emotions of being cheated. When I confront everyone said why you had to do since you have asked him out. This is how the world judge when a woman choose the one they love instead of giving that decision only to a man. That's contrary to what pseudo-intellectuals thinking that feminist are male-hated group. And first of all demanding for a equal right and space does not mean shadowing the existence of men, rather than asking men to swallow their ego and give the space to the women that has been unnecessarily occupied by them.

Well and good. I don't mind some men even thinking that I hate their male chauvinist mind who claimed that men and women are not brought up equally and so it's justified to look down woman. I'm rather in a safer space if they hate me too. I know to whom I can fall in love and I do tell them for sure that I do owe my love to him; I will keep on telling whoever I fall in love and that's my concept of feminism where I will not have any fear to be in love with a real man!

Of politics without women!

I live in a super power country which is secular as written in constitution but people are too religious and even killed each other. I live in a country where women are put in a very high regard as according to the Shastra, the holy unused books but thousands of women die every year in the dowry death and some of them are even killed in the womb only.

Truly said by Indira Swaney that in our country caste is above the women. This country's politics has not included women as a part of the country. Lets take an example of women reservation bill still pending or blocked in the parliament. Some half baked intellectuals will argue now men and women are equal so why there should be a reservation. Only answer I can give is that do you know darling how does it feel like pre- mensuration syndrome and how much it pain? Simple reason is that a politics, a law which do not embrace the basic needs of the women can never be a complete politics and a complete law. A man howsoever good or gentle he is he can never understand every need of a women so as the requirement of women politicians, judges, police. Thousands of rape cases are never proved because of the male police atrocities when the complainant come to file the case. Most shocking case was one the rape case in which Karnataka High Court giving a mitigating factor to the accused saying he is already married, have children and have served the jail for two years then shockingly concluding that the parties have come to an agreement. Was rape a contract where an agreement can be brought between the parties by giving some compensation? This is where how even the law exploits women, which is believed to be established for protection of the weaker section of the society. Now the whole country will support both educated and uneducated BJP/RSS baby and its terrific leader as Prime Minister of this country. I'm not interested in Hindu-Muslim politics and it's beyond my understanding as I don't believe in belonging to any of the religion. For the fact that I would rather eat both pork and beef showing by distasteful flavor of belonging to both Hindu, Muslim or any religion. But I will not forget what RSS commented to the rape victim of Delhi being her own fault and attacking of the pub going girls in Banglore and of course the famous pink panty campaign. 

When it comes to suppression of women all the religion, all the politicians, all the lawmakers joined hand. Because it is not even secondary. What's making BJP a all time crying baby is that since Independence they have always been defeated by congress. I can bet everyone that they may bring down the rate of dollar, may end the corruption but will surely put veil on our face and the women of this country will see the doom day worst than we are seeing now. How can the whole mass of this country support or even not say a word when a bloody old men commented that women should not step out of the home, the whole problem arises when they do so and even blame the rape victim who was brutally murdered. 

What kind of development will happen to this country when even after the 67th Independence day, we still don't count women being a participant of the society rather than treating them as their subordinate and helper?  Of course law is male, politics is for male and for the good reason, no men will stand up for the rights of the women, on the funniest part they will never suggest to build a women's toilet in the highways! Huh they will still say how would it be possible for women travelling to a highway. This is for men and we don't need a toilet when there are so many standing trees waiting for us to give us a shade. 

This happens even from the pre-independence era where women folk who have initiated the demand of women's voting rights have been outcast as being nasty while the whole country was demanding for the Independence from British. That independence British has granted was for a country and for the men and their freedom, perhaps we remain in the same position as those colonized people to our men, our family, our society, our culture, our law and our politicians! 

Of a smile which never die!

When I get really tired and really surrender myself to my body, I simply wish everything around me looks as beautiful as his smiles! We don't talk, we don't communicate, but somehow I'm still hanging on every moments where he would pretend something from smiling and I would suddenly followed him with a crook smile without any reason. Life has given so many reasons to be worried, so many reasons to be defeated, many of them came to break me into pieces, left me with tears but somehow I have managed to reconcile myself to gather all the broken pieces at a place. And he came at a time when I was all conquered by fear of losing myself and leaving with nothing but every broken pieces of hateful memories. With him I learn nothing but to smile without a reason. May be that's the only thing I needed to learn at that time -just giving an effort to bring a smile on my face. I really could not find a reason to smile, everything lapses in front of me and everyone makes me feel I'm that loser and no one come and tell me where should I stop crying. I thought everything ends finally without leaving a hope of living on my own. Why was those bad days, why was those unfaithful people and why was those faithful tears, came together at one time only and tortured me, I still have answer for none.

Well, time changes everything, it's not like earlier I used to meet him everyday, had to rush for the day and catch up with him but still I try remembering his smile only. And simply there is no other reason of doing so, neither I wish to fall in love with him nor I'm dyeing without him, it just that his smile carries that magic, even by remembering him suddenly bring that moment where I learn smiling from him at those hard times. And I suddenly wish if he asked his usual question "why I'm laughing" just to excuse himself from smiling in front of everyone with or without reason known to everyone.

I know there is huge difference between us, a huge gap of ideology starting from the idea of nationalism, what he loved and what is he ready to fight for is something that can never be part of my ideology but best part is that we respect our own space and give due regard to that. I never cross my limit nor he does while he shows his affection to me without a dot of doubt and without any ill-feelings. Everyone accused me why did he give you more importance than us, why did he always agree if you ask him something and simply how come you know he does not take tea and he will be wearing a white shirt today! First time in my life,  my guess come true and I left everyone with a question mark. That was the fun part. But with due regard and respect to everyone's question, I will still rate him the best person, best human I have ever met, the one who do not hesitate to say what he feels is right, the one whose face for the first time I could see the human emotions. I was in love, in hate many a times but there I could never see any true emotions in one's face. Everyone of them looked so dull and fake. May be these are few things that pulled me sometime to walk alone in that lone corridors where I used to wait everyday of his coming and of his going till he walked beyond the fathom of my vision 

This memory has no end, it ties with nothingness, it bypassed the flying waves of time from it's attempt to erase what it acquired so hard. What we had was an unnamed love, affection, admiration, respect, a dignified relationship of comrades which seeks nothing but an unaffordable memory. A memory of two people who just love smiling across the empty corridors, across the crowd and sometime while seating alone and basking to a memory lane, without giving a reason, without answering anyone. 

Beloved!!

What's in the name? Exactly I'm questioning with myself from so many days why suddenly I'm so much in love with this word "beloved". So many things in mind and I keep on thinking when I'm travelling in metro, sitting in office bus and sometime alone with a cup of tea in the office corridor. Want to write a memoir of the home, the beautiful land, green fields, about those migratory birds in Loktak Lake, my beautiful childhood with my cousins and about those lives which are uncounted and lost in a blink, of those friends of mine in govt. school, whom I'm no longer in touch and a life without competition.

Have lots of friend now also and they are exceptionally good to me but still somewhere in the corner of my heart I still seek for a kind of friendship that I used to have with my school classmates in govt. school and my local friends. Their life was obviously without a career, competition and a dream to be success but apart from their love and simplicity, I could never feel anything else when I was with them. Whenever I go home, I usually switch off my Delhi number and used to hang out with my locality friends. One thing which make me so good is them saying you have not changed at all and that makes me feel that they still take me as one of the girl with whom I used to spend whole my childhood. Series of friends from different schools, colleges, Universities, job and so many but I rather miss those cute friends in the school.

In my last visit to home, met once my best friend Gangarani, still the chubby and talkative girl who used to do my homework whenever I ignore to do. She used to stand in the back handle of cycle and I used to drop her till her home. Life made me sometime too selfish and mean too. Have not asked even once after school how is she and never visited in so many years but life has changed the chubby girl to a someone who has to challenge every difficulties even from losing her father and had to bear all the financial burdens of family while working as a teacher to the same school we have studied.

And about Sangeeta, one of the most beautiful and lovely friend I have lost after my school. Met her after a long time when I was in graduation 2nd year in Miranda House. She could not recognize me with my change in the size, of course and I was almost shock to see her with two kids when she was so young. Lost with words I just hug her elder daughter and said make her studied till the highest degree. She understand what I meant to say and I said sorry to her for not even asking about her marriage. After I got so much engaged with my secondary school, I have lost contacts with all of them and most of them got married when they are not even 20 years without anyone to guide them and for them getting married was the only option they could see for future. Followed by another story of scandalous elopement of another classmate Roshini, believe to be one of the most beautiful and every boy in the school peep through the broken wall just to watch her but she too had the same faith.

Starting from schools, I was never fond of boys usually, its always a ego clash for me but when we met now they just smile and say you are a grown up girl now. We still remember you as the simplest and cutest among the girl though most of the time you ignore us like we are too bad. It was told by the guy against whom I report to the Principal for dancing on the teacher's table and make him penalized for a week. He proudly said to me congrats when I stopped by his shop to buy black petrol when there was economic blocked. He said, I will fill your scooty with the good quality petrol though I mixed them with kerosene. Everything seems just like yesterday how we used to fight in the school and now they took me as somebody in a different zone and that makes me more uncomfortable. He told me, I saw your book release picture in the newspaper, you are too famous now and it is written so nicely about you. I just told him, no one appreciates as much as you guys do and I felt so sorry for the fact that somewhere I also ignore them. Their thoughts never come to me and I didn't even count them as friend. When I look back all my invitees in the book release function was only from my teachers and friends in the private schools. I thought how come I have become so selfish when these friends still love me so much and still think that I'm one of them.

Whenever someone cheat me or hurt me, I always thought I'm getting it because I ignored one of the best friend/person without his help I would not even complete my secondary school. That's my friend Santosh who would wait for me every morning, evening and whenever I want him to be there for me. Even my boyfriend would never do that and they would not sacrifice and encourage me for my study as much as he did. In school days, he almost took it was his duty to take care of me as I'm the only girl among them to cycled for so long. He would even dropped me till my home though he was tired and hungry after the school. Waiting for me in my gate sometime in the early morning for the tuition and sometime waiting for me in the school gate for hours till my practical class gets over, I do not know someone else would ever do that in my life. That was not the end, none of my high-fi friends came to pick me up when I went to Bangalore for IPR course in National Law School. He came without asking him twice, picked me up, make the most delicious fish curry for me, introduced me proudly to his friend and said you know all friends know about you because I keep on telling about you. It was sometime too much for me to see so much of affection but he never change what he knew about me since school days and till today he hope we will be like those good friends in school.

He always kept his promise and it's me who always ignore him, even avoiding him to meet when he was staying for two years in Delhi. I don't know why I even hide from him in those days. I realized the fact that I was too afraid about what people talked about us. Once a too good friend and now he shifted to Delhi and he being so fond of her since school days. Moreover, I was afraid of hurting my parent's apprehension since school days that we might start seeing each other. That's main thing which kept me away from him. No doubt I was selfish responding someone with such a cold vibe but I could only say I was stupid. My friends in Delhi told me that what I did to him was wrong when he was so good to you. Still I find it too hard but do not want to remember the phase I used to ignore him without his fault. That's true that my mother do not like him as she saw him being drunk, flirting with girls, eating pan all the time and moreover his excuse of often visit to borrow my school notebooks were one of the most annoying thing for my mom. She thought he was trying to please me too much so that I fell for him. But mom did not know that I was already in a gone case regarding one of the most manipulative man I have even met till now. After mom got to know about the manipulative man when I was in 2nd year of graduation, mom like him so much when he visited me but we were already at the verge of fading a lifetime bye from each other. Well that's a history, I no longer want to talk.

But I lost the most beautiful people in my life. And this time I promise to visit the day I land home with a beautiful gift for him and I'm ready to say a series of Sorry. I hope after this write up I will feel little bit better and I know how hurtful it is when someone so close to me ignore me without my fault and I think I did the same to him. I wish I could go back and correct my behavior and enjoyed with one of the finest friend I have ever met. Whatever it is, this time I promise to myself that I will agree whatever help he asks from me-as he is already asking me to promote his coaching center and I'm ready to teach chemistry now for him. Whether I meet other friends or not I will make sure to at least make him feel that I'm always his friend and will always be there for him. It would be another trial for me to re-install his lost faith to me.