Nomad

where do I belong
not
in my own body
in
in my own soul

I'm homeless yet
though
I lived for years
I'm lifeless 
though
 I'm breathing for years

I belong nowhere
not
in my body
not
in my soul

I'm just a broken pieces 
sliced into many times
each of them are enjoying
with every slice of my soul
and body

what I'm ?
where I'm?

Am I that nomad
crying for herself
none will listen
none will hear
ignored cry
of century old statute!

 

Being with you..

Landslide is Kohima. I'm stuck in Guwahati, we need to change the time. I'm reaching home after the date we have talked earlier to meet at home. You know how eagerly waiting for that day we will be meeting after facing so much of inconveniences.

It's everything for me -being with you in my sub-conscious mind. Would you mind changing time? I rang up in his hostel 5 times standing for an hour in the telephone booth. Finally, the ring goes but he was not in the hostel but gone home for lairoi . What a bad luck I could not get a chance to talk to him and inform what's happening here. His home does not have a phone and same as mine since then the phone line starting from his place to my place has been burnt and dumped in the river my the miscreants. While living in a hotel in Guwahati I wrote the mail to him without any surety of when he will read and he can reply. No choice and can't complaint about this uncertainty but just have to trust in unpredictable luck.

What good time I spent with him being so close to him though we live virtually 5000 km away from each other. I was in Delhi doing my graduation second year and he was in Manipur. Still lingering on those paths of memory though it was so fragile and I can no longer hold on it. Till today I had only one wish- could I relive in those moments with him. Getting angry with him in petty issues, remembering every word he said over the phone and writing his name in every page of my notebook and jotting down everything he wrote to me in mail in my diary.

Yes, ruchell38 you have got a mail.

Your birthday is coming. Let's fix a chat on your birthday. I was excited from the two days thinking what all I will talk with him. Should I ask him how he looks like now after going to the new college. Does he change anything from the time I used to see him in the school when he drove in the evening in his cycle wearing his school dress to study English literature from Sir. I remember watching him from the window of my class but always worried that if someone noticed me and also scared of him coming to know about me. I used to literally walk away from him whenever he was in the school. May be he will get to know how nervous I'm whenever I saw him even from a distant place.

Well, everything was part of my story I have only shared with my diary in every night after I closed my books whilst watching the moons and smiling at her. I told the moon with a smile, I'm in ecstasy of his love! I will let him talk to you someday and he will be sitting besides me holding my hands, playing with my hair just like evening breeze would do. That day you will look so beautiful..

Sometime, the taunting call from mother disturbed my thoughts about him. In an annoying tone I always replied to my mother like I still have lots of things to study. My diary which I bought it from my friend's shop was the most special dairy, it was from that time I started to write poems in Manipuri. I wish I had that diary with me. That will be source of thousand other poems in my life. I only know how does it feel like living with a diary having so much of stories and love for someone who does not even know me. How sad I was especially when his smile drag me every moments of my life towards him while I was living helplessly in that tiny room of Delhi living with a big dream of becoming someone very independent to fulfill my parents aim without a string of hope of meeting with him someday. I thought his dream will make me a looser and distract me from fulfilling my aim in life. So I teared off every page of my diary and burnt it off. If he ever read those innocent stories written in that diary, would he be one of the most happiest man ever. Till today, he made me the most romantic person without filling the gap in my heart with any clutters and today I'm a writer because you are the one who taught me to feel the love, pain, anguish and hurt for the first time in my life. That flow of emotions will never end till my last breathe. That's the source of my writing and truly you are the poetry of my life.
I know it's late you should go. He would always tell me but we always wait for each other to leave the cyber cafe first. The bitterness of Delhi winter was not enough to stop me from chatting with him till 10pm in the night. Oh! how sweet of him bearing the hit of winter till 10 pm in a lonely cyber cafe in home where no one dares to walk after 8pm. It has been years from now and sometime memories are even fade away so easily, I could no longer hold on it. It's in that September you went away without even saying a goodbye. I don't know why I'm searching for your smile in this big city among the crowd with the hope that we will meet someday and we will be spending another memorable days in this life hiding away from the peeping eyes of the world just like we always did. I'm not tired yet on this long wait. It's the unpredictable faith and the mysterious destiny I'm trusting till now. It makes me disappointed every now and then though I always believe like we met in that July just after the Kanglen, you will come someday to fulfill my promise to the moon to watch her sitting by your side in your courtyard and wishing to her....

Cage..

Thoughts somersault in your wave
Adhering to be freed from your cage
it's in your cage I celebrate my freedom
It's in your wave I swim embracing the death
It's in your love I dwindle towards the heaven
Embrace me once before the heaven took the nest
It's in your love, I breath with poison
It's in your arms, I would one day rest with peace..

Life is not lying more eggs: We are not chicken

On waiting...

"Waiting for someone or a friend is something I hate the most. I know it's a bad habit but I do"

Once someone told me when we were about to meet a years of my waiting. Who knows the pain of those eyes who tirelessly watch his photographs even within the dim shadows of the lamppost on the road. I only know how painful it was just living on a hope which will never become a true. Didn't I try to calm the beating hearts of someone else saying that hope is something which makes things easier and lighter. But that's not the truth. Ask me to know the truth, how this one decade seems to went away from my life without even releasing how it was gone.

Once I was madly in love with the man of my own imagination. Almost seven years of hibernation in the love nest and suddenly I wake up with the feeling of hurt, distrust and never be serious attitude. I know I made so many mistakes hurting the one I should not be. Shedding the tears of the one who had loved me truly. I know he lied he never loved me but if I'm in his position I would say the same after whatever mistake I did to him. I know I'm insane for whatever I did to him though I have always complained about the one who hurt me brutally and let me think that I can't roam around in this world with an innocent heart and romantic mind. I don't remember a day, I was not romantic and feel passionate about the feeling of life. Feeling of life includes all, the love, hatred and the lost...

As the time passes everything seems of coming back without any reason. Again it is not a hope or expectation rather it is more about renunciation! This time I'm travelling another thousand miles with an excuse to meet him and make an apology to the one whom I have given a bad time once. I'm going with a baggage of smile and ask him if we can ever be friends. I know how much I long for the one I want to be with once but it was all about remnant and nothing is figurative. Though unlike earlier I will go with another empty heart and mind without asking anything to return from him. Rather I will be more than happy if he ever smile at me without a string of regret and take me back in his loop. I have not got what I want in life and that's not existing in real too. In fact, he is much better in my illusion than the real one. But this expensive journey would be another mission to bring at least 10 watts smile on the face of the one whom once took me as part of his life....

Hope the long wait will come to an end with this September and there be another beginning...

Beginning and the End

Let this be the beginning of an end!
I'm so drunk with this night after a long time. It is so special, I can't even waste it just by laying down and dreaming for some untrue hopes. Hope which has lost its meaning, the relation which I seek to belong for this lifetime but never have a knot to tie with each other.

Wishes put me into anxiety, dream without a truth kept at illusion of this life. Why I have so much for the one who has nothing for me, not even a crook smile. Life is sometime selfish and I feel I'm victim of choosing always "what I want" not like others being the one of other's chosen one.

Today, I wish to sit near the window of my study room and watched the moon. I somehow connect to you at those days where I would dedicate every word spring from my heart to you. The mark in my Table, the anticipated letter I would be sending one day to you are still hiding within my heart and soul. Everything looked so beautiful with you but you have never existed in my world till today. In every man I have come across, I have started to search you and identify you but I'm always failed.

Life has taken tolls over this life just for falling in love with you. I have never regretted till today, waiting to the bus stand to get a glimpse of you and watching you sitting in the school lawn from the windows of the school. I owe every credit of my writings to you but you would never know in your life that there is somebody existed in this world who gave you credit for everything she has acheived without even knowing you.

Beginning....

Midnight blue left bruishes of hatred
Though the moon conceals shadow of memories
Whilst we played shamelessly like Adam and Eve 
Abandoning the whole world 
for another beginning of our love....

Kathmandu-Pokhra journey

After months finally I went to experience a long vacation in the lap of beautiful Nepal. The two days fun of team building in Kathmandu, trying out new hairdo, new dresses and make up. It was a nice feeling to look myself adoring so much after a long time without bothering of returning home soon, attending classes, office and so on. The end of the fun in Kathmandu excites me more as there as another extended trip to Pokhara, a most visited place in Nepal for its untouched beauty.

The sunrise in the Sarangkot valley made me feel like I was in heaven. The clouds flying beneath the mountains, the river cutting through the arrogant and adamant rocks to make their ways to meet the seas of origin. It seems like the place was like just another painting, just an imagination from a famour painter. The clouds slowly uncovered the ranges of Annapurna mountains. It's snow enveloped looks and a trisul seen among the green hill ranges was another peice of nature's gift to this earth. Sometime I could not believe how can it be so beautiful. The scenenic beauty and the warm gestures of the people almost gave me a reason to miss home.


After the visit in the Sarangkot valley, we were ready for another series of excitement of travelling to so me famous cave but I didn't enjoy much as I hate the wet dark places of the cave. But I was truely enchanted with another place just near our hotel. That's the beautiful Phewa Lake. Crowded by tourist but still it was much cleaner than any of the lake in India. There are certain things I like about people in Nepal, especially in Pokhara. They never try to contaminate the surroundings with polybags and throw anything in the lake unlike irresponsible Indian tourist which dumps anything in their baggage to anywhere.

Well, the excitement never ends and the next day was all about thrill, fun, scary and memorable one. It was scared to see the flow of Trisuli river while we were driving on its bank as it's flow was quite fast and sometime it's wave was too high. Finally on the way back to Kathmandu we have reached the place from where we have begun rafting in the Trisuli river. Before starting we all took a deep breath thinking that whether it is safe or not. I enquired the guide who is going to take us for the ride about the deepness of the river. He said it is 100 feet. Then I just prayed, save me from this journey to be back at home safely. Six people in one boat were trained for a while by the guide how we would sail when there is a wave with his constant advice of when to put the pressure with our paddles in the wave or when to stop. It was a 10 kilometer long drive in the river Trisuli. After a long time I got the opportunity to swim and freed myself, of course with the life saving jacket. It was another kind of meditation, floating in the water and shouting as much as you can.

to be continued...