Thursday, November 18, 2010

To my brave brothers!!

Trying to fight against the life
I forgot to live this life
Trying to be survival of fittest
I forgot to breathe freely
While mending the broken heart
I have not sensed the true love ever
What a waste of life..
When the death knocks at my door
one fine day
I would just cry my heart out
for the moment I lost and wasted....!!!

..It has been just 8  months that my kid brothers have landed to this strange city with full of dreams...they knew nothing but with a hope to rely on me for their dreams and future. I'm now away from them and I really miss them. They are cooking all alone and facing the world without even having anyone to guide them and see them. It's my trust and my parents love which hold them so hard and still protecting their innocence. I always blam God and unseen devine but now I started looking as an opportunity. I hope someday they will surely cherish their lonely hard days in Delhi and miss those fights and insecurities surrounding them.

I know I'm the most harsh sister one brother can owe but what to do? Sometime trying to meet the end I loose my pateint and react on them. But this is so true and hurting to me ometime if I ever hurt them. If I scold them in the morning before I leave for office I would make sure to get something special to eat...They can't speak neither english nor hindi but they are brave enough now to meet any difficulties. I'm so happy for them seeing making their own faith. I  no longer scared that they will be drawn with the bad wind of my own society here money, corruption, guns and drugs pulled us so deep into the hell.

My brother in class eleven idn't get admission into sceince and he is quite disappointed but now he is doing too good in his new subject commerce. And youngest brother is my hero and dream. I could see how I was when I was a kid and I know I gave my parents a tough time growing m up. No one would ever challenge my stuborness. Thats how my youngest brother is and he loves challeges, except that I'm worried about his eating habit.
I could not see them everyday but only thing which keep me in peace is that they are trustworthy boys and I know they will never disappoint me and pur parents...thats the only hope and strength that keeps me moving ahead in life. I will never say that I'm tired whatever it comes in my way. I know I'm not born and blessed with rich parents but I would not that much in life if I have not faced all the hardships in life and I could not be so independent if I have to depend either on a rich parent or a rich boyfriend...

I don't have any complain in life. Evry moment brings surprises both sad or happy. I have to embrace both and wait for the next surprises coming along with uncertain gifts of life...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

nothingness again!!

When the nights comes it always bring an eternal conflict within me and its me who has been swallowed and eaten and left with nothingness.....

I’m in a big mess in every perspective of life now. Office work almost killed me and disgust feeling of loosing freedom questions me every single minute. For what I had studied and worked so hard? For what I left my parents in home and why I had to miss so many important moments of life just to earn few bucks for livelihood. These questions are very hard to answer for me.

I no longer enjoy hearing people’s appreciating words like you are earning enough, taking responsibility for your kid brothers, doing law, writing poetry, stories, social works blah blah…etc…which are taking me nowhere…except it crushed me into pieces and fragments which can not be fixed together and get along…

At the end of the day I felt so empty and so called luck or faith dumped me in every movement of my life. More I try to wake up and walk fast it always pulls me back and drag me into the shit holes.

With so many disgust things I stop now to even type a paragraph of my thoughts and so called philosophy. Now I had to begin a life believing to the truth that there is no freedom after birth and before death. Every dream betrayed just like my unworthy lovers and every night I’m burnt with the memory of every dying moments where I could only see “a lone me” just sitting and doing nothing….

I do not wish to write a disguise poem or a story because it only remind me of useless time I have wasted. I had to betray my feelings, my thoughts, my freedom and my intuition to start living a life acceptable by all. No body would accept a chemist crazy with literature, politics, history, social works, poems and running after her non-ending stories lying untouched in her mind…..!!!